UPJOKE

20 Dollars Jokes

A homeless man asked me for money I had 20 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it to just go towards crack and alcohol

So I gave it to the homeless man

I paid $20 dollars to see Prince...

But i partied like it was 1999

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20 dollars in my pocket.

One night, George went to the bar. He's having a good time, having some drinks, all is well. As the night goes on, George keeps drinking and ends up throwing up all over his shirt.

"Ah shit my wife's going to kill me! She's going to know i stayed out all night and got drunk! "

Barte...

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$20 dollars for sex

I man and woman get married, on the night of their wedding, the man approaches his wife, ready to make love for the first time. She smiles sweetly and sticks her hand out. "That will be $20 please!" He goes along with her game and gives her $20. As the years of their marriage go by, she continues he...

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A married guy goes to the bar…

A married guy goes to the bar, gets drunk out of his mind, and throws up on himself. He turns to a friend and says - “Holy shit, my wife’s gonna be so mad. I’d promised her a year of sobriety and here I am on day 7 all boozed up..”

The friend goes - “Don’t worry, man! I got a trick,” puts a $...

I found a wallet what do i do?

I found a wallet with 20 dollars in it. I wasn't sure what to do, but then I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

So I turned it into wine.

A policeman is driving past a roadside apple stand when he notices the sign: "Apple seeds, guaranteed to make you smarter, $20 per seed."

He pulls over and informs the vendor that it is fraud and false advertising to make absurd claims like this.

"No, no, no," the vendor tells the cop, "my apples are a special variety. A scientific miracle. Buy just one seed, eat it, and you will notice an increase in intelligence. If not, I pr...

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Henry, you are 97 years old…

- Henry, you are 97 years old, what’s your secret?
- well I sucked a penis once for 20 dollars
- uh… I mean what’s your secret to long life?
- Eating a lot of vegetables and fruits

My professor told me that I’m failing my ethics class

So I slid 20 dollars across the table and said _what about now...?_

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An elderly couple are driving back to Pennsylvania…

They stop at a gas station in New Jersey and the attendant comes out to offer his services.
The wife is very hard of hearing so the husband handles the interaction.

He asks the attendant to top off the gas tank.

“Anything else sir?” the attendant asks.
“Maybe check the tire p...

A man comes walking out of a brothel

Right as he walks out i to the street, there's a little boy, smiling and pointing at the man, saying "Hah! I know what you've done! Ooh, I know *exactly* what you've done!"

The man is red with embarassment. "Would you keep it down, son? ", he said and gave the boy 10 dollars. "Take this and f...

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A young man and his date

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker, and I charge 20 dollars for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After...

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The guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!"

"I understood every word," says the pa...

Dave and Johnny were abroad on holiday.

One evening, they decided to visit a local bar.
"Be careful of scammers," warned their tour guide. "There's a lot of dishonest people in this neighborhood."

Dave shrugged and laughed. "Don't worry mate, I can always spot a liar."

They went to the bar. At the door, the bouncer stood ...

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A challenge you can't win...

A man walks into a bar, and spots a jar full of 20 dollar bills. He asks the bartender what its for. He says "We have a little contest going on. If you put down 20 dollars, you have to walk up to the big guy at the end of the bar and slug him in the face". The man says "Hmm, not bad, I think I could...

A man decides to start a business

He puts a billboard on the door saying "If we can cure you, you have to pay 100 dollars, if we can't you get 500 dollars"

A doctor sees the billboard and decides to get in and win 500 dollars.

He says that his sense of taste is gone.

The man says to his assistant: Can you please...

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Every Time

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for 20 dollars for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated every time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking it was a cute way ...

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A man has an elephant...

A man has an elephant that is getting too expensive to feed, so he puts an ad in the paper for a 50/50 contest. 20 dollars to enter, and if you can make the elephant jump, you win half the pot. Many people try but nobody can do it. One day, a slick guy in a Cadillac shows up puts money in the jar...

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A father is called into the principle's office because his son is in big trouble.

The father sits down next to his son with the principle across at his desk.

"We caught your son selling pot for 15 dollars a joint out back. He's permanently expelled. You're lucky we didn't call the cops."

The father looks at his son with horror and disgust. He gets up quickly and dra...

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a joke that i have been told by one of my friends(long)

im not a native speaker, but i will do my best

A woman has three daughters, 13, 14 and 15 years old

One day while she was cooking they come to the kitchen and say "mom can you give us a bit of money, we were studying all day" the mom says yes, and gives each one of them 20 dollars.
...

Little Timmy was told that everybody has a secret.

Little Timmy was told at school today, that everybody had a secret, so dark that they would do anything to keep it a secret.

So he decided to test this out.

He went to his mom and looked straight into her eyes and said : Mom I know your secret.
And without a moment passing his mom b...

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A guy is sitting in a bar, drinking heavily...

Suddenly he throws up down the front of his shirt and starts sobbing to himself. "What's wrong?", the bartender asks. "I can't go home like this. My wife would rip my head off if she saw me staggering through the door in this state." "Aha!", said the bartender, "here's what you'll do. Put a 20 dolla...

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Once upon a time there was a man who was richer than his boss.

One day the boss called him to his office, and asked:
“how are you richer than me? I’m your boss but you can afford cars and houses, but I can’t. Tell me, how are you doing this?”

“I make bets with people,” replied the man.

“What kind of bets?” Asked the boss.

“For example: ...

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A man staggers home drunk at 2am to an irate wife.

Man arrives home drunk. He's plowed, staggering, reeking of booze and his shirt is covered in vomit.

"I can't believe you let yourself get like this! Look at your shirt, you've puked all over yourself!"

"No... honey, honeshtly... it washn't me, it was thish other guy who puked on me....

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Oh.. those Marines!

*A Marine walks into a bar and notices a Jar on the counter top with money in it.*

**Marine**: "This is new, what's it for?"

**Bartender**: "Its for our weekly challenge"

**Marine**: "Oh I love challenges, what is it for this week?"

**Bartender**: "Oh this one is a specia...

I went shopping with my wife.

Going down one of the aisles I noticed they had beer on sale $10 a case. I put it in the cart and she told me to put it back we couldn’t afford it.

A couple aisles later she picks up a jar of face cream for 20 dollars.

I asked how come we can afford this and not the beer.

Sh...

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[NSFW] A female prostitute gives a southern man the time of his life...

When they finish the man asks "Geee Miss, how much do I owe ya?"

The prostitute replies "For you, hon? Only 20 dollars."

The southern man replies, "Well golly, miss. I thought the rate was 50 dollars."

The prostitute looks at the man, smiles and says...

"Not for you, b...

A guy was walking home at night.

When out of nowhere a hooker appeared and said “20 dollars.” The man replies “Hmmm... I’ve never been with a hooker before. At that point the man and the hooker walk over to some nearby bushes. They start going at it and about a minute or two in an officer walks over to the bushes and shines his li...

If I had twenty dollars for every macklemore song I know

I'd have 20 dollars in my pocket.

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A man is in a bar drinking

He gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt. He tells the barkeep in his drunken stupor, "I'm in trouble now man, if my wife finds out i got so drunk that i puked on my shirt, she'll kill me!" The barkeep says, "don't worry man, here's what you do, you take a $10 dollar bill and put it in your...

What’s the difference between a chic pea and a garbanzo bean?

I wouldn’t pay 20 dollars to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

A man is walking home from work on Monday, when he sees an old man talking to a young man.

The old man says “did you know I’m psychic?”. The young man of course doesn’t believe this, and demands proof. Nearby, a child is walking towards a store. The old man says “watch this. I predict that child will look in the window of the store, then turn around and go back home”. The young man bets 2...

A 17-year-old boy who works part time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of his house in a beautiful Porche

Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.
“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.

“I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly.

“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how mu...

A couple went to the county fair.

They ate all the food and rode all the rides. When it came time to leave the woman asked her husband if there was anything else he wanted to do. "I would like to take a ride in that airplane, but it costs $20." She replied "20 dollars is 20 dollars."
He nodded sagely and they went home.

Ne...

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A guy goes out for some drinks at a bar with a coworker on a Friday night and they get shitfaced...

The guy goes to the bathroom and stumbles back to the bar with puke on his shirt...

"Oh man, my wife ish gonna kill me." he says, "I just puked on my shirt and she's gonna know I was out drinking all night!"

"Don't worry about it," slurs his coworker. "take $20 and put it in your shirt...

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My girlfriend got a bill for 200 dollars at the gynecologist...

She said I should pay my share since I use her vagina too, so I wrote her a check for 100 dollars and she said I only owed her 20 dollars. She's such a sweet heart!

A man sees a beautiful woman...

...and he asks her: would you be willing to sleep with me if I pay you 1,000,000 dollars?

She blushes, and replies: I guess so.

He then says: What about for 20 dollars?

The woman is greatly offended and replies indignantly: What kind of woman do you think I am??

He: We’ve...

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Inflation

Three generations of prostitutes are all living in one house. One day the daughter prostitute comes home.

"I just got $40 for a blowjob!" she says.

"Thats ridiculous!" says the mother prostitute, "back in my day I only got $20 dollars for a blowjob!"

The grandmother prostitute p...

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I was at the pub last night...

My wife was waiting for me to come home, but the guys promised to buy me a drink. One turned to ten and before I knew it I was so drunk I threw up on my clothes.

"Oh no", I uttered, knowing my wife would be really mad. Luckily one of the guys had an idea. He slipped 10 dollars into my pocket....

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Oh crap!!

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the
collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he
might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just
how would I go about doing that?" he asked.

"It is very simple. First you tur...

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a man hires a prostitute

and they go up to his place. she sits down on his couch and he says "comfy?" and she says "20 dollars"

A man visits his doctor, complaining of hearing voices in his leg.

The doctor asks if the man has seen his psychiatrist, but the man insisted, "You are the family doctor, you are the only one that I trust with this."

The doctor uses his stethoscope on his patient's knee. He hears "Hey, hey doc, can you lend me 5 dollars?"

The doctor is alarmed, but co...

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A man is paying for sex with the lovely woman on the corner and asks how much she charges.

She replies "10 dollars to strip slowly and teasingly and 20 dollars to remove my clothes as fast as I possibly can to get down to business".

The man responds "20 dollars?! That's a rip off!"

A gorilla walks into a bar

The gorilla walks past the barkeeper and takes a seat.
The Barkeeper is confused and scared at the same time.
*"A gorilla in my bar? Well thats not happening very often..."* thinks the barkeeper and starts shaking
Then the gorilla stands up, goes to the bar and says "I would like to h...

Make us happy!

There was Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton on a helicopter flying over New York, when Donald said “I will throw this 20 dollars out of the helicopter and make someone happy”, Hillary replay “I will throw this two 10 dollars bills out of the helicopter and make two people happy”, Donald with disgust ...

families

so a young boy was told by one of his friends that if he told adults he knows the whole truth they'll give him stuff. so he went home and told his mom i know the whole truth. the mother responded by saying " take these 20 dollars and shut up", so the next day he said the same thing to his dad his da...

I needed a new hobby, so I bought a paper mache book.

What a waste of 20 dollars! I was only able to make 1 piñata out of it before I ran out of pages.

Tiny Concerto

So, a guy walks into a bar. It's early in the afternoon, and he's the only customer, so he sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The bartender brings it, sets it down, and says, "That'll be 20 dollars." The man looks at him, wide-eyed, and says "Twenty dollars? For one freaking beer?" "Oh no", say...

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Common! Just have one drink, she won't mind.

These two coworkers are talking and the one invites the other for a drink. "No, I can't. I promised her I wouldn't drink anymore." says the one. "Just come along and have one drink, one drink." says the other and the one finally agrees.

They get to the bar and have a drink and shoot a game o...

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One day...

.....out on the farm the owner of the farm goes to his 13 year old son and says, "Son, take this last duck to town and sell it so we can buy our cow some food."

The son agrees to, and as he is walking down the road he passes by a woman. The woman says to the boy, "Son I will fuck you for that...

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A man is hiring a girl at his bar

He is faced with three girls, but only one one will get the job.

He asks them what they would do is they found 20 dollars on the ground near the cash register.

1st girl: 'I'd pick it up and put it in the register.'

2nd girl: 'I'd pick it up, ask the manager of it was his THEN ...

An elderly couple

An elderly couple, he was 93 and she was 94, got broke. They didn’t have a single dime and all options were exhausted.
They decided that she had to sell herself on the street, so she went out for a day of hard labor.
After a day she came back and put 20 dollars and 10 cents on the table.
...

A Jewish boy asks his father for $20

Jewish boy: dad can I please have 20 dollars?

Jewish dad: 10 dollars?!? What do you need 5 dollars for?

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Man in a brothel. . . .

So there is this guy, who is rather horny but not in a relationship and in a rough place in his life. He goes to a brothel with about 10 bucks... He asks the woman at the counter, I know this isn't much but what can this get me? See replies follow me. She leads him down a hallway with 2 adjacent doo...

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The Rabbi's Blessing

A rabbi was walking down the street when, suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew his shtreimel (fur hat) off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away. He just couldn't catch up with it.
A young gentile man, witnessing this eve...

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$40 Drunk

A man is drinking a beer at the bar when his friend walks in and asks him if he wants to do some shots.
"Nah, I shouldn't. Every time I do shots, I get really drunk and throw up and then my wife gets really pissed at me when she goes to do the laundry."
The friend laughs at this and says, "Ea...

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A man named John is looking to buy a dog...

He sees a listing for a dog and it's a 10 year old cockerspaniels. Being a fan of that breed he goes to check it out.

John arrives at the house and an old man answers. He says the dog is for sale for 20 dollars. John is pleased with the price, but wants to check out the dog first before makin...

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