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20 Dollar Jokes

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Have you seen a 20 dollar bill crumpled up?

While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the c...

A homeless man asked me for money I had 20 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it to just go towards crack and alcohol

So I gave it to the homeless man

What's the difference between a 20 dollar steak and a 55 dollar steak?

February 14th

Yesterday I found a 20 dollar bill on the street. I was told to do the same thing Jesus would have done.

So I took it and turned it into wine.

A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of the house in a beautiful Porsche.

Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.

“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.
“I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly.
“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how much a...

The Doctor and the Rich Man

An immigrant doctor decided to start his own clinic one day.
He put a sign in front of it that says if he can't cure your illness, he'll give you 100 dollars. If he can, you have to pay 20 dollars.
A young rich man passes by, sees the sign, and thinks it's a good opportunity to earn 100 bu...

My professor told me that I’m failing my ethics class

So I slid 20 dollars across the table and said _what about now...?_

A policeman is driving past a roadside apple stand when he notices the sign: "Apple seeds, guaranteed to make you smarter, $20 per seed."

He pulls over and informs the vendor that it is fraud and false advertising to make absurd claims like this.

"No, no, no," the vendor tells the cop, "my apples are a special variety. A scientific miracle. Buy just one seed, eat it, and you will notice an increase in intelligence. If not, I pr...

Accidentally dropped a 20 dollar bill in a porta potty

Thought “Damn, no way I’m reaching in there for a measly 20”

So I took out a hundred from my wallet and dropped it in.

Now for 120, I’ll definitely go in.

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Henry, you are 97 years old…

- Henry, you are 97 years old, what’s your secret?
- well I sucked a penis once for 20 dollars
- uh… I mean what’s your secret to long life?
- Eating a lot of vegetables and fruits

An Old Lady Walks Down the Street with 20 Dollar Bills Spilling from Her Bags...

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
<...

Did someone lose a roll of 20 dollar bills wrapped in a rubber band?

Cause' I found the rubber band

I paid $20 dollars to see Prince...

But i partied like it was 1999

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20 dollars in my pocket.

One night, George went to the bar. He's having a good time, having some drinks, all is well. As the night goes on, George keeps drinking and ends up throwing up all over his shirt.

"Ah shit my wife's going to kill me! She's going to know i stayed out all night and got drunk! "

Barte...

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$20 dollars for sex

I man and woman get married, on the night of their wedding, the man approaches his wife, ready to make love for the first time. She smiles sweetly and sticks her hand out. "That will be $20 please!" He goes along with her game and gives her $20. As the years of their marriage go by, she continues he...

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A young man and his date

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker, and I charge 20 dollars for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After...

A man decides to start a business

He puts a billboard on the door saying "If we can cure you, you have to pay 100 dollars, if we can't you get 500 dollars"

A doctor sees the billboard and decides to get in and win 500 dollars.

He says that his sense of taste is gone.

The man says to his assistant: Can you please...

Little Timmy was told that everybody has a secret.

Little Timmy was told at school today, that everybody had a secret, so dark that they would do anything to keep it a secret.

So he decided to test this out.

He went to his mom and looked straight into her eyes and said : Mom I know your secret.
And without a moment passing his mom b...

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Billy-Bob goes out back to the outhouse and sees his brother Bubba throwing 5s, 10s, and a 20 dollar bill into the hole of the crapper...

"The hell y'all doin' that fer, Bubba!? That's there's good cash money! And yer throwin' it down the shitter!"

Bubba says, "Well, I was sittin' here a-takin' me a shit, when all a sudden, a bunch of change fell out of muh dad-blame pocket. And I'll be damned if I's gonna climb down in there f...

Bills

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much. The twenty answered, I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the ...

Drunk guy at a bar

So there’s a drunk guy at a bar and all of a sudden he starts to vomit. “Oh no, I vomited on my t-shirt, my wife is gonna kill me!” Says the drunkard. “Let me help you with that”, says the bartender. The bartender goes to the drunk guy and says: tell your wife some idiot vomited on your t-shirt and ...

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A man takes a taxi in the pouring rain...

He tells the driver to head for the airport, shaking water off his hat and fanning his coat to get some more off the whole time. It is then, halfway through the drive, that he notices he's forgotten his wallet. He frantically searches his pockets, but all he finds is a 20 dollar bill.

He asks...

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[NSFW] A female prostitute gives a southern man the time of his life...

When they finish the man asks "Geee Miss, how much do I owe ya?"

The prostitute replies "For you, hon? Only 20 dollars."

The southern man replies, "Well golly, miss. I thought the rate was 50 dollars."

The prostitute looks at the man, smiles and says...

"Not for you, b...

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So this guy has been working really hard

...all week on a super important project. Its late Friday evening and he and a coworker are finally finishing up.

His co-worker says, “We have to go out for a beer tonight, man. This week has been pure hell.”

The guy replies, “Man, you know I can’t. My wife will kill me.”

“C’mon...

A man comes walking out of a brothel

Right as he walks out i to the street, there's a little boy, smiling and pointing at the man, saying "Hah! I know what you've done! Ooh, I know *exactly* what you've done!"

The man is red with embarassment. "Would you keep it down, son? ", he said and gave the boy 10 dollars. "Take this and f...

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A man staggers home drunk at 2am to an irate wife.

Man arrives home drunk. He's plowed, staggering, reeking of booze and his shirt is covered in vomit.

"I can't believe you let yourself get like this! Look at your shirt, you've puked all over yourself!"

"No... honey, honeshtly... it washn't me, it was thish other guy who puked on me....

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Two buddies were getting drunk together.

One drink too many one of them rushes to the bathroom and moments later comes out with his shirt covered in vomit.

"Jesus Steve, what happened to you?" Asked his buddy.

"Ah, shit I puked all over myself, my wife is going to kill me when she finds out I messed up my nicest shirt from dr...

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A guy is sitting in a bar, drinking heavily...

Suddenly he throws up down the front of his shirt and starts sobbing to himself. "What's wrong?", the bartender asks. "I can't go home like this. My wife would rip my head off if she saw me staggering through the door in this state." "Aha!", said the bartender, "here's what you'll do. Put a 20 dolla...

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A father is called into the principle's office because his son is in big trouble.

The father sits down next to his son with the principle across at his desk.

"We caught your son selling pot for 15 dollars a joint out back. He's permanently expelled. You're lucky we didn't call the cops."

The father looks at his son with horror and disgust. He gets up quickly and dra...

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A man is paying for sex with the lovely woman on the corner and asks how much she charges.

She replies "10 dollars to strip slowly and teasingly and 20 dollars to remove my clothes as fast as I possibly can to get down to business".

The man responds "20 dollars?! That's a rip off!"

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A married guy goes to the bar…

A married guy goes to the bar, gets drunk out of his mind, and throws up on himself. He turns to a friend and says - “Holy shit, my wife’s gonna be so mad. I’d promised her a year of sobriety and here I am on day 7 all boozed up..”

The friend goes - “Don’t worry, man! I got a trick,” puts a $...

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Once upon a time there was a man who was richer than his boss.

One day the boss called him to his office, and asked:
“how are you richer than me? I’m your boss but you can afford cars and houses, but I can’t. Tell me, how are you doing this?”

“I make bets with people,” replied the man.

“What kind of bets?” Asked the boss.

“For example: ...

A man visits his doctor, complaining of hearing voices in his leg.

The doctor asks if the man has seen his psychiatrist, but the man insisted, "You are the family doctor, you are the only one that I trust with this."

The doctor uses his stethoscope on his patient's knee. He hears "Hey, hey doc, can you lend me 5 dollars?"

The doctor is alarmed, but co...

I went shopping with my wife.

Going down one of the aisles I noticed they had beer on sale $10 a case. I put it in the cart and she told me to put it back we couldn’t afford it.

A couple aisles later she picks up a jar of face cream for 20 dollars.

I asked how come we can afford this and not the beer.

Sh...

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A man is using an outhouse....

and is taking a pleasant dump one hot summer evening. As he finishes, he stands up, wipes, and begins to pull his pants up. As his pants are coming up a dollar and fifty cents falls out of his pocket and lands in the hole from which he has just risen. "Goddamnit!" he exclaims in anger as he hurriedl...

A man is walking home from work on Monday, when he sees an old man talking to a young man.

The old man says “did you know I’m psychic?”. The young man of course doesn’t believe this, and demands proof. Nearby, a child is walking towards a store. The old man says “watch this. I predict that child will look in the window of the store, then turn around and go back home”. The young man bets 2...

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My girlfriend got a bill for 200 dollars at the gynecologist...

She said I should pay my share since I use her vagina too, so I wrote her a check for 100 dollars and she said I only owed her 20 dollars. She's such a sweet heart!

This lady was checking me out today...

So I figured I'd hand her a 20 dollar bill. She said: "That's not enough"
I handed her another 20 and she said:
"Would you like paper or plastic?"

If I had twenty dollars for every macklemore song I know

I'd have 20 dollars in my pocket.

What’s the difference between a chic pea and a garbanzo bean?

I wouldn’t pay 20 dollars to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

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Drunken adventure

George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.

George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."

George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all n...

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A man is in a bar drinking

He gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt. He tells the barkeep in his drunken stupor, "I'm in trouble now man, if my wife finds out i got so drunk that i puked on my shirt, she'll kill me!" The barkeep says, "don't worry man, here's what you do, you take a $10 dollar bill and put it in your...

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A guy walks into a bar (I know original, right?)

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot. He notices a jar on the bar full of 20 dollar bills and asks the bartender what's up with it. The bartender tells him put a 20 in and he'll give him three tasks, upon completion he'd receive the jar of money. The guy thinks this to be obsurd and decides to k...

A man sees a beautiful woman...

...and he asks her: would you be willing to sleep with me if I pay you 1,000,000 dollars?

She blushes, and replies: I guess so.

He then says: What about for 20 dollars?

The woman is greatly offended and replies indignantly: What kind of woman do you think I am??

He: We’ve...

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a joke that i have been told by one of my friends(long)

im not a native speaker, but i will do my best

A woman has three daughters, 13, 14 and 15 years old

One day while she was cooking they come to the kitchen and say "mom can you give us a bit of money, we were studying all day" the mom says yes, and gives each one of them 20 dollars.
...

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A guy walks into a bar

He sits down and orders a scotch, he takes a few sips and notices a jar filled with 20 dollar bills on the counter. He asks the bartender, " what's with the jar?" The bartender replies, "you put in a 20 to enter, if you complete the 3 challenges I give you, you get all the money in the jar." The guy...

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a man hires a prostitute

and they go up to his place. she sits down on his couch and he says "comfy?" and she says "20 dollars"

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$40 Drunk

A man is drinking a beer at the bar when his friend walks in and asks him if he wants to do some shots.
"Nah, I shouldn't. Every time I do shots, I get really drunk and throw up and then my wife gets really pissed at me when she goes to do the laundry."
The friend laughs at this and says, "Ea...

A guy was walking home at night.

When out of nowhere a hooker appeared and said “20 dollars.” The man replies “Hmmm... I’ve never been with a hooker before. At that point the man and the hooker walk over to some nearby bushes. They start going at it and about a minute or two in an officer walks over to the bushes and shines his li...

A Buddhist monk orders a hot dog

A Buddhist monk orders a hot dog and gives the vendor a 20 dollar bill. After eating the hot dog he is still waiting and asks the vendor for his change. The vendor replied, "Change only comes from within."

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A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday.

Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.

"And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked. 

"It's very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then preach in a monotone...

Make us happy!

There was Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton on a helicopter flying over New York, when Donald said “I will throw this 20 dollars out of the helicopter and make someone happy”, Hillary replay “I will throw this two 10 dollars bills out of the helicopter and make two people happy”, Donald with disgust ...

A Jewish boy asks his father for $20

Jewish boy: dad can I please have 20 dollars?

Jewish dad: 10 dollars?!? What do you need 5 dollars for?

Dave and Johnny were abroad on holiday.

One evening, they decided to visit a local bar.
"Be careful of scammers," warned their tour guide. "There's a lot of dishonest people in this neighborhood."

Dave shrugged and laughed. "Don't worry mate, I can always spot a liar."

They went to the bar. At the door, the bouncer stood ...

I needed a new hobby, so I bought a paper mache book.

What a waste of 20 dollars! I was only able to make 1 piñata out of it before I ran out of pages.

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Inflation

Three generations of prostitutes are all living in one house. One day the daughter prostitute comes home.

"I just got $40 for a blowjob!" she says.

"Thats ridiculous!" says the mother prostitute, "back in my day I only got $20 dollars for a blowjob!"

The grandmother prostitute p...

A jewish boy asked his father for money

Did you hear about the jewish boy that asked his father for 30 dollars?

His father exclaimed in surprise 25 DOLLARS?!? What are you gonna buy with 20 dollars?!?

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I was at the pub last night...

My wife was waiting for me to come home, but the guys promised to buy me a drink. One turned to ten and before I knew it I was so drunk I threw up on my clothes.

"Oh no", I uttered, knowing my wife would be really mad. Luckily one of the guys had an idea. He slipped 10 dollars into my pocket....

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A drunk vomits on himself at a bar

The drunk starts crying. The bartender asks him why he's crying and the drunk says "my wife told me if I get so drunk that I throw up on myself again, she's gonna divorce me." The bartender thinks for a minute and slips the drunk a 20 dollar bill in his shirt pocket. The drunk says "what's this for...

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A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a couple shots of whiskey. After he downs his whiskey he notices a jar filled with coins and a couple dollar bills on top. He then asks the bartender what's the jar for and the bartender points to the big guy on the other side of the bar and says "you see that lug ...

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A man has an elephant...

A man has an elephant that is getting too expensive to feed, so he puts an ad in the paper for a 50/50 contest. 20 dollars to enter, and if you can make the elephant jump, you win half the pot. Many people try but nobody can do it. One day, a slick guy in a Cadillac shows up puts money in the jar...

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A man walks into a bar [NSFW]

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of 20 dollar bills on the table. He asks the bartender what the jar was for.

"We're having a contest" the bartender replies. "You put a 20 dollar bill in the jar and then have to complete 3 challenges. If you can complete them succesfully, you get th...

families

so a young boy was told by one of his friends that if he told adults he knows the whole truth they'll give him stuff. so he went home and told his mom i know the whole truth. the mother responded by saying " take these 20 dollars and shut up", so the next day he said the same thing to his dad his da...

A gorilla walks into a bar

The gorilla walks past the barkeeper and takes a seat.
The Barkeeper is confused and scared at the same time.
*"A gorilla in my bar? Well thats not happening very often..."* thinks the barkeeper and starts shaking
Then the gorilla stands up, goes to the bar and says "I would like to h...

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