2 Years Jokes

No one wants to do it.

Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he promised to pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he also promised to provide child suppor... read more

I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night

...but Quasimodo has a hunch.

I finally got it

Mainly because I didn’t want any lids whatsoever, but when I got home from the hospital after the operation, they were still there…

I don’t have 2020 vision for gods sakes quit asking me

I haven't heard from him since

I guess hindsight is 2020

And if I'm being honest with myself, I'm kind of nervous to tell her.

Me: So how do they look?

Dentist: Damn, your teeth are so straight and white they were offered positions in Trump's cabinet.

...the judge gave me 15 years in prison

They should call it Catch-22.

George Weasley

After 2 years the job still sucks

Even a global pandemic doesn't want me.

''Oh John, come on. Not now! If you
don't open your mouth ..." She glanced at an old man sitting right next to her and whispered under her breath ''I will nurse the old man!"

But the baby kept crying and whining.

''John. Stop crying. Or I'll nurse the old man! Now open your mouth!"... read more

But I'm clean now...

against each other about who has the longest memory.

1st boy said: I remember when I was about 2 years, I almost died from a nasty dog bite.

2nd boy said: That's nothing, I can remember before I was born. I went to the park with my dad and came home with my mum.

The box said 5+ years.

Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up

Until they shut down the restaurant

I did it against all odds. Just take a look at me now.

There's a sign at every court with her mugshot that says "do not serve this woman".

I really should’ve seen the Signs sooner

At least he'll still be able to enjoy footlongs

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'll have a marriage, on the rocks." The bartender says "you better keep comin' here then!"

I guess you could say I lost interest in the relationship,

I mean, it wasnt hard to see the problem.

He only needed an elor's degree.

but none of them work

Because they finished a thousand year Reich in just twelve years.

2 years later I went camping at Yellowstone and my wife got pregnant again.

After that when I went camping at Yellowstone I took my wife with me.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what ... read more

Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.

The priest was called first, and St Peter said, "For your life long career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay at for the rest of eternity."

Then St Peter turns to... read more

Paddy says to Mick,
“I’m ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant, last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks,
"So what are you going... read more

A man comes home after 5 years in the army, his wife says “I had a son while you were away, he’s yours”. The child looks 2 years old at most so the husband tried to argue that it can’t be his but his wife refuses to budge. After days of drinking and nagging the man loses it, grabs a gun and shoots h... read more

The guy says to the bartender, "Can my cat and I watch the Browns game here?
My TV at home is broke, and my cat and I always watch the game together."

The bartender replies, "Normally, cats wouldn't be allowed in the bar, but
it's not very busy in here right now, so you and the cat can ... read more