My doctor told me I would be deaf in 2 years

I haven't heard from him since

A man completely blindsided his wife of 2 years, asking her for a divorce.

Although she was shocked and heart-broken, she asked the man *why* he wanted a divorce.

**Man:** Do you remember when we first met?

**Wife:** Yes…

**Man:** Well back then I had awesome long hair, I didn’t have a car but I had a janky motorcycle that I loved, I worked in a Bar,...

It has been 2 years and still nobody knows why Notre Dame caught fire....

...but Quasimodo has a hunch.

The doctor gave me 2 years to live so I killed him

...the judge gave me 15 years in prison

After 2 years of keeping braces, I finally had them taken off.

Me: So how do they look?

Dentist: Damn, your teeth are so straight and white they were offered positions in Trump's cabinet.

I've spent the last 2 years looking for my ex girlfriend's killer

...no one would do it

If we have another pandemic in 2 years,

They should call it Catch-22.

Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago?

I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night

I am proud of myself; it only took me 2 years to finish the puzzle

The box said 5+ years.

I hate it when people ask where I see myself in 2 years

I don’t have 2020 vision for gods sakes quit asking me

For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman......

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he promised to pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he also promised to provide child suppor...

What's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in over 2 years?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

I finally found a home after being homeless for 2 years.

The owners were pretty surprised to see me in their house when they got home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some guy came up to me and said "I haven't gone to the bathroom in 2 years"

I said, "you're full of crap"

Imagine being on Reddit for 2 years...

And and only getting a lousy cake.
Why can't I have a doughnut.

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me, and after 2 years, when we broke up, she returned the $100.

I guess you could say I lost interest in the relationship,

What’s born with 8 legs, walks on 4 at 2 years old and then only 2 at 20 years old?

George Weasley

Macron said the rebuild of Notre Dame will take 2 Years and he will get the Germans to do it

Because they finished a thousand year Reich in just twelve years.

We just found out my friend had a collapsed iris 2 years after he got it.

I mean, it wasnt hard to see the problem.

I first became addicted to soap 2 years ago

But I'm clean now...

Just Found out that my Girlfriend’s Deaf after 2 Years

I really should’ve seen the Signs sooner

I spent 2 years in rehab for my Phil Collins addiction.

I did it against all odds. Just take a look at me now.

I tried my best to cheer up a friend that had been jobless for 2 years...

but none of them work

Maria Sharipova has been banned from tennis for 2 years

There's a sign at every court with her mugshot that says "do not serve this woman".

For almost 2 years I couldn't walk, talk, or eat on my own.

Being a baby sucked.

My girlfriend of 2 years just told me her ex used to beat her really badly, and she never told me b/c it's really painful for her to talk about. I feel bad I didn't figure it out sooner.

I always thought she just really hated high fives.

I came up with this one about 2 years ago

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'll have a marriage, on the rocks." The bartender says "you better keep comin' here then!"

Jared Fogle gets sentenced 15 1/2 years in prison

At least he'll still be able to enjoy footlongs

Why did Johann Sebastian only go to college for 2 years?

He only needed an elor's degree.

I served 2 years in Iraq

Until they shut down the restaurant

2 thirteen year olds competing

against each other about who has the longest memory.

1st boy said: I remember when I was about 2 years, I almost died from a nasty dog bite.

2nd boy said: That's nothing, I can remember before I was born. I went to the park with my dad and came home with my mum.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Farmer Greg

A seasoned farmer named Greg had finally mastered his craft. He toiled day and night to understand every detail to growing the perfect crop. After 30 years he had made enough money to retire, but Greg wanted more. He wanted local recognition and fame.


So he decided to grow the state’s ...

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