UPJOKE

2 Guys Jokes

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I saw 2 guys in matching outfits and asked if they were gay...

They arrested me.

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2 guys are down to their last 10 bucks....

Its a friday and theyre hungry but wanna get drunk too. So guy1 tells guy2, "Hey i got an idea, lets get a sausage and ill put it in my pants. Then pretend to give me a blowjob after we order our drinks!" So guy 2 agrees and go the first bar. Bartender asks what theyll have and they both respond a ...

2 guys were eating breakfast together

"Do you want some of my bacon?"

"No thanks I'm Jewish"

"Don't worry it's free"

2 guys walk into a bar. The first guys says I'll get H2O. The second guys says I'll get H2O too.

He died.

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2 Guys take a piss

Two buddies walking in the woods after drinking plenty of beer, come across a bridge and decide it's a good spot to take a piss. First guys wips it out and confidently exclaims "Damn, the water is cold!".
Second guy then takes his out and not to be outdone, says " Yeah and it's deep too!"

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2 Guys in a Bar

2 guys in a bar.

John: "I have sex with my wife once a month"

Jack: "We do it twice a week"

John: "But Jack, you're not even married!"

Jack: "Oh, I thought we were talking about your wife"

2 guys walk into a bar

"Hey donkey get the beers in" shouts one guy to the other.

The man walks up to the barman and stutters " two bee... two bee... two beers please?" the barman starts to pour the mans beer when the guys friend shouts "Donkey! get me some nuts too"

The man stood at the bar says to the barm...

Did you hear about the 2 guys that stole a calendar?

They each got 6 months.

yesterday on the street I saw 2 guys vaccinating themselves

It must have been their second shot because they looked woozy pretty soon afterwards

2 guys crossing the desert on a camel

All of a sudden the camel falls from exhaustion. One guy says "what are we gonna do?" His friend says "see that big puddle over there? We will drag him up there I will hold his head in the puddle and you suck on his behind try and get water in his stomach." So they drag the camel to the puddle. ...

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2 guys talking over coffee and one guys says to the other…

Have you ever said one thing but meant to say something completely different?

The other guys says “Yeah! I was at the airport and when the lady asked where I was going, I said Tits-berg instead of Pittsburgh!”

The first guy then said “EXACTLY! Like last night when I was having dinner ...

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I overheard 2 guys talking

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.

One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired."

His buddy says, ​“Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. ​She’s after me 3 and 4 times a day.​ I just don'...

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2 guys are talking at a bar

one guy tells the other "unbelievable my 3rd wife died" the other guy says" what happened to the first one? "he says" she ate poisonous mushrooms" "and the second?" he replies "poisonous mushrooms" shocked the other guy says "and let me guess the third one ate some poisonous mushrooms" the other gu...

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2 guys get caught by jungle people

One day 2 guys are going somewhere via a dense forest. Suddenly they get surrounded by tribals.
"You have dared to cross our private territory. You must pay now. Either face the leader's punishment or face death"

Guy 1 opts for the leader's punishment.
The leader shows up: "you have t...

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2 guys are hunting..

In the woods and they come across a sheep stuck in the fence. 1st guy says, "hey dude, I'm not gonna lie, I haven't had sex in a while. I'm going to fuck that sheep."

So the guy bangs the sheep from behind and says, "you want a turn?"

2nd guy says, "hell yeah, that looks fun."
...

2 guys walk into a bar....

...you'd think the second one would duck.

This is the best dad joke I've got.. happy Fathers Day.

2 guys sitting in a bar watching the news.

A news story comes on about someone threatening to jump off a building. One guy turns to the other and says, " I'll bet you $500.00 he will jump". The other guy says, "You're on"!

A few minutes pass and the guy on TV jumps.

The loser of the bet says, " Well, here is your $500.00. I ...

I'm gonna watch 2 guys duke it out in the Indian Boxing Championships this weekend.

Now that is a pun jab I would like to see.

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2 Guys At A Urinal NSFW

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being ...

2 guys have 4 cigarettes on a boat but nothing to light them with so they throw one cigarette overboard

And the boat becomes a cigarette lighter

2 guys are hiding a bomb under a car.

Guy 1 - What if the bomb goes off while we're still under the car.

Guy 2 - Don't worry, I've got a second one in my backpack.

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2 guys in a bar chatting. The first says “have you ever said something wrong by mistake”, Guy 2 says “like what?”

Guy 1 says “well, this one time I was at the airline desk and the woman behind the counter had HUGE breasts. I was supposed to ask for 2 tickets to Pittsburgh but I asked for 2 tickets to Titsburgh”

Guy 2 says “Oh yeah, I see what you mean. The other day I was having breakfast with my wife. I...

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What do you call 2 guys having sex outside?

A Dick-nic

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2 guys are hiking in the woods

They stop to urinate when a venomous snake springs out of a bush and sinks its fangs into the unlucky one's manhood. He falls to the ground writhing in pain while his friend pulls out his cell phone and calls 911.

"My friend was bitten by a snake! What should I do?", he asks the call taker....

2 guys on the road. One was digging a hole , the other one waited a minute and filled the hole back

Then they moved on and after about 10 feet they did the same - digging up , waiting a minute , and filling it back up.

They went on doing this the whole morning, covering almost 3 miles of land. One guy who was watching them eagerly just couldn’t resist any more, and asked - are you guys mad...

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2 guys are watching a naked man free fall from a cliff

one guy says: I thought he was crazy at first, but now I realise he has got balls of steel

the other says: Yes, i know. And its making him fall even faster!!


(original joke, hope you like!!)

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2 Guys Were Sitting On The Train

When one guy pulls out his phone and shows a picture of his girlfriend and says to the other guy “hey man check out my gf, isn’t she beautiful?”

The second man, somewhat confused at why this guy is showing him a photo of his girlfriend replies “Wow if you think she’s beautiful you should see...

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So these 2 guys are pretty studious.

They both study pretty hard. Finals are the next day, so they make plans to have a study session. Their teacher is very strict, and says anyone late to class will fail. However, they hear of a party going on. They know they should study, but they can’t reisist a good party.

Predictably,...

2 guys holding hands were refused service at a local spa...

It was a mask man date.

2 guys go moose hunting for the 1st time

They stop at a gun shop to get all the gear they will need. The clerk helping them out decided to have a little fun with the newbies.


CLERK: Best way to hunt a moose is in one of these female moose costumes. You both get in it, make a moose mating call, when the male moose shows up just...

2 guys locked in a lunatic asylum.

See, there were 2 guys locked in a lunatic asylum. One night, they decided to escape. They made it up to the rooftop, across this narrow gap, they see rooftops. Stretching out into freedom.

The first guy, he jumps across no problem. But his friend, nope, afraid of falling. First guy thinks of...

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<nsfw> Saw 2 guys in hobby lobby dipping their testicles in glitter.

I thought they were pretty nuts.

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2 GUYS WALK INTO A BAR

Two guys were walking their dogs and came across a bar. Since they were hot and tired from walking the dogs they decided to go in and have a drink. Unfortunately, the bar didn't allow dogs. There was no place to safely secure the dogs, so they started thinking of ideas to get in the bar. Then one of...

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2 guys had to catch a 5 am flight.

But they didn't have a watch with them. So the guy asks his friend, what do we do?

His friend says follow my lead. He starts singing loudly, at the top of his voice.

After some time, one of the neighbors yells - dude, let us fucking sleep. It's 1:30 am already.

2 Guys go Camping...

They both fall asleep in a tent. The first guy wakes up in the middle of the night, and wakes the second guy up.

Guy 1: "Hey, look up, what do you see?"

Guy 2: "I see stars"

Guy 1: "Yeah, and what do you think that means?"

Guy 2: "Well, considering how many stars I see, t...

What do you call 2 guys with no arms and no legs hanging from a window?

Curt and Rod

2 Guys walk out of the gym together.

The first guy has a big bulge near his pocket. The second guy points at and and asks what it is.

"Tennis ball."

The second guy makes a face like he's thinking, and then says "Well I had tennis elbow once..."

An Irish fellow in New York turns to the gentleman next to him....

“Well hey there friend! Where do ya hail from?”

“I’m from Ireland.”

“No kidding! I’m from Ireland myself! What part of Ireland?”

“Grew up in Wexford.”

“Wexford?! No kidding! I grew up in Wexford myself!”

“Well what are the chances of that?! Say, what secondary scho...

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2 guys at a restaurant

2 guys are at a restaurant on the roof of a tall building.

the 1st guy says, 'I bet you a beer that I can jump off the ledge and the wind will blow me right back up to this restaurant.'

the 2nd guy says, 'you're on!' (not sure if he was kidding or not)

So the 1st guy jumps off t...

2 guys walk into a chocolate shop

When they leave, one of them pulls 3 chocolate bars out of his pocket and tells the other, "no one can steal like me!"

The other guy tells him, "let's go back into the shop and I'll prove you wrong", so back in the shop they go.

They walk up to the cashier and the guy asks him if he wa...

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2 guys go to a party

When they get there, the doorman says "you can't come in here boys! This is a fancy dress party. You need to be dressed as an emotion."

The two blokes go over to the local corner store, buy what they need and come back 3 minutes later. One of them had his dick jammed in a pear, and the other...

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3 men die and go to Heaven

3 men die and go to Heaven. St Peter meets them and starts reviewing their files.

He starts talking to the first guy: “I see that you lived a good life, but you cheated on your wife 30 times. That’s not very good, but not bad enough to send you to hell. So you can stay in heaven, but you’ll h...

2 guys walk into a delicatessen

A waiter comes up and asks the two friends "what can I get you?" The first guy says "well, what are your specials today?"To which the waiter replies "today, sir, we have a tongue sandwich. Yes, the tongue sandwich is our special today." Sitting quietly for a moment the man replies "...you know I thi...

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2 guys get paired up on a golf course...

after a few holes of not talking to each other, Tom decides to break the Ice.

Tom: Probably should of introduced my self before we started golfing. I'm Tom, nice to meet you.

Michael: Michael, nice to meet you too.

Tom: So, Michael... What do you do for a living?

Michael:...

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2 guys are sitting the waiting room

of the venereologist. The one guy asks, "what are you here for?"
He answers, "I have this ring around my dick." Other guy says, "yeah, me too"
First guy goes in and comes out with a look of relief and says, "The doc said I has nothing to worry about." The second guy enters the examination room...

2 guys are in ready to tee off on a par 5 and a funeral procession drives by.

One of the guys takes off his hat and holds it over his heart.

The other guy asks: Did you know that person?

Know her? I was married to her for 30 years.

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