UPJOKE

18 Hole Jokes

Bought the book: Tiger Woods best 18 holes.

I was incredibly disappointed when I found out it was about golf.

18 Holes a Day.

And Tiger Woods still finds time for golfing.

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A man decides to go golfing one Sunday. He's in the clubhouse paying for 18 holes when a gorgeous blonde woman approaches him. "Hey, I noticed you're golfing alone," she said...

"I'm golfing alone too. Can I join you?"

The man enthusiastically agrees and they head to the course.

She's good. *Really* good, and beats the man's score by many strokes. The man is feeling self conscious for losing so soundly to a woman. The woman notices his change in mood and says,...

Just got scammed out of $15.

Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.

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The old man and the golf pro

At the golf course one day, an elderly man challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side.

"But," said the man, "since you're obviously much better than me, to even things up a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."

The pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but ...

I was just scammed out of 25 dollars.

I purchased a dvd titled "Tiger Woods' favorite 18 holes." It turned out to be about golf. Tell others so that they can avoid this scam too!!

What does a golf course have in common with half a dozen hookers?

18 holes.

Guy dies and finds himself standing before Satan.

"Oh no! Am I in Hell?"

Satan replies, "Ahh, its not so bad. Let me show you around."

Satan takes the guy past a tennis court. "It's open 24-7. And over here is the 18 hole golf course, over there is the Olympic sized pool, and beyond that is the beach and marina, where you can take out...

Two couples were golfing together

John shanked his tee shot on the 18th hole. Way way off the fairway, behind a barn. His buddy and his wife offered to open the barn doors so John could hit a worm burner directly through the building, saving a few shots. That went badly. John clanged his shot off the barn and it came back awkwardly...

18 Beautiful Women (long)

Three guys get lost hiking and stumble upon a farm with three barns and decide to spend the night. They agree to sleep in separate barns.

The first barn has 18 sheep, the second barn has 18 cows, and the third barn has 18 beautiful women. The guys draw straws and select their barn to sleep i...

A priest goes golfing.

At the end of his sermons every single Sunday, a priest proclaims to his congregation that they should go out and do community service in the name of God. He then goes on even longer about how he is going to be feeding homeless people, building schools, etc etc, for the rest of the day. After the se...

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A farmer has 18 beautiful daughters

One day three brothers were traveling when they stopped at this farmer's farmstead to rest. The farmer let them in and gave them food and drink.

Upon seeing the many beautiful maidens, the eldest brother approached the farmer, and asked, "Farmer, can I sleep with your 18 daughters?"

Th...

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The Golf Fairy

A man was playing 18 holes by himself. On the 15th tee he hooked his ball into some buttercups along the left of the fairway. Being an honorable man, he penalized himself one stroke and moved his ball out of the pretty flowers.

Then a fairy appeared. She said “Thank you for moving your ball o...

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Three men walk into a hotel

The hotel owner has 18 daughters. The first man says "may I sleep with your 18 daughters?" The owner replies "no you may sleep with the chikens". The second man enters and says "may I sleep with your 18 daughters?" "No, you may sleep with the horses" The third man enters and says "may I sleep with y...

You can't lose this ball

Two golfers are about to play 18 holes when one of them says he's going to the pro shop to buy some golf balls, and asks his friend if he needs any balls.

His friend says, "No thanks, I have a ball."

The golfer says, "You only have ONE ball?? You're going to lose that, and then what w...

What's the difference between a cemetery and a golf course?

There's only 18 holes in a golf course.

I thought of this but maybe it's already a thing.
Edit: spelling

A guy plays golf every Sunday morning with his friends...

This coming Sunday happens to be his 25th wedding anniversary. He wants to play golf as usual. His wife wants him to spend the whole day with her. They come to a compromise - he'll play 9 holes first thing in the morning and then come straight home.

The wife is expecting him home at around 10...

Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?

He does 18 holes a day.

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Since it was such a crappy day, I sat in my recliner and started thinking about life.

I came to realize that as I have grown older I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore, a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Lance Armstrong ... I think i...

A man is on a journey through the rural countryside

On the first night of his journey, he stops at a farm and asks if he can spend the night. The farmer agrees, but tells the man he must sleep in the barn with his 18 sheep. The man does so and in the morning, the farmer asks the traveller how he feels. "I feel like wool. Wouldn't you feel like wo...

A guy goes to a public golf course.

He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, “I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie.”

The man behind the counter says, “The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 shiney brand ...

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A nun goes golfing...

*[I was playing a round of golf the other day with a fellow who asked me if I knew any golf jokes. When I replied that I did not, he said you should always have a golf joke or two in your repertoire. I asked him for a joke then, and he told me this one. I now have one in my repertoire, and so wil...

A priest decides to take a Sunday off

He feels a little guilty, but is sick of church, and tells himself that he deserves it. Just one Sunday off, what could it hurt? He arranges for a guest priest to give the service, and when Sunday comes, he goes golfing.

The priest gets to the golf course, and sets the ball on the tee. He li...

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What's the difference between a pedophile and a pro golfer?

A pedophile always finishes in under 18 holes.

Why did Tiger Woods cheat on his wife?

He's used to playing 18 holes.

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Dave and his wife were checking out of a hotel...

"Double bed, that will be £300" says the receptionist.


"£300?" Says Dave, "But we only stayed for one night!"


"Yes, but you have to understand, the Royal Hotel is the most illustrious hotel in Ireland, we have a top of the range spar and a 18 hole golf course"


"But I...

Three guys were traveling on the road and they were tired, so they stopped at a nearby farm.

The farmer goes to the first guy "You can sleep with the pigs," to the second guy "You can sleep with the cows," and to the third guy "You can sleep with my 18 lovely daughters."

In the morning, the ranch owner asks the three men how they felt.

The first guy said "like a pig."

T...

A man finds a magic lamp.

You know the drill, he rubs the lamp, Genie pops out and says he can have 3 wishes. “But there’s a catch”, says the Genie. “I won’t grant any of your wishes until you are done making all 3”.

“Okay”, replies the man. He knows these things can go poorly so he deliberates for a bit before respon...

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the golfer

So a guy gets married and one of the first things he does after the honeymoon is to play 18 holes of golf with his buds, and they also have a few drinks afterwards.

When he gets home his wife confronts him: "I can't believe you'd go out all day after we're married, and to play golf! And you r...

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three men go to heaven

Three men died and went to heaven, one was a philosopher, one was a mathematician, and one was a common idiot. Well due to overcrowding in heaven, the devil and St.Paul decided that to get into heaven you would have to pass a test. The three men arrive at the pearly gates and St.Paul says "Alright, ...

An 80y/o bloke goes to the doctor for his regular checkup.

Doc: "How are you feeling then Mr Tabernackle?" Mr Tabernackle: 'I feel amazing. I just hit a 90 on 18 holes at the club, went for a great swim and my 21 year old wife is pregnant!' Doc: "That's incredible!" Mr Tabernackle: 'Well you don't have to be so astounded. I may be 80 but I keep myself in go...

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Lady Golfer NSFW

Jerry asks the clubhouse barman if there is anyone available to join him for a round of golf. The barman says "Only that lady over there, Susan" Jerry is a little reluctant to play with a woman but the barman assures him that she's quite good in fact she plays off the same 9 handicap as him. They pl...

Three blokes come across a castle while wandering the woods..

They knock on the door and an older man answers

The first of the three men ask if there's any place they can spend the night, as it was getting dark out and night was coming soon.

The old man responded to the first man "yes, but I don't like you. You'll have to sleep with the cows." ...

A guy goes to his local golf course...

The club pro asks him if he wants to try out one of their experimental new robot caddies...on the house.

"Sure, why not?" the man says.

He returns after playing 18 holes and raves to the club pro about the caddy. The robot gave him swing tips throughout the round and always chose the ...

Three friends are lost in the woods...

As they try to find their way out, they chance upon a beautiful house and farm. Puzzled by this house in the middle of nowhere, they decide to look inside one of the windows to see if they can get any idea of what's going on. Upon looking in, they see an old man with his eighteen young, beautiful da...

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