UPJOKE

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I met a 14 year old girl on the internet...

She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy.

I suggested we meet up.

She turned out to be an undercover detective.

How cool is that at her age?

The fortune teller told me I’d lose one of my closest friends in 13-14 years.

To cope with this news, I bought a puppy.

A prisoner slipped on the stairs 5 years into his 14 year sentence.

He suffered some minor injuries but he decided to pretend to be in a coma for rest of his sentence.

When he finally decided to drop the act on the last day of his sentence, the warden arrested him again, because you aren't supposed to end a sentence with a coma.

What do you call a 70 year old man trapped in the emotional state of a 14 year old girl?

Mr. President.

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A father wants to have "the" talk with his 14 year old son

'Son, the time has come for me to tell you how children are actually made!'

The boy puts his hands over his ears and yells:

'No! I don't wanna know!'

'But why not?' asks the father, surprised.

'Look, Dad! When I was 7, you told me that Santa doesn't exist. When I was 8, y...

I had 180 people under me at my first job and I was only 14 years old.

I mowed the town cemetery.

It was a 14 year olds birthday

It was a 14 year olds birthday and his family was very poor, and could only afford one gift for him. His father wanted to get him a new toy to play with, his mother wanted to get him new clothes, so they decided to compromise and get him coveralls with the pockets cut out.


(My grandpa tol...

Why did Elon Musk choose SpaceX to land on mars?

Because if he chose SpaceY he’d land on 14 year old boys.

What do women astronauts and my 14 year old daughter have in common?

"I have nothing to wear!"

So my girlfriend wants to roleplay as a 14 year old...

I told her "why bother? You'll be 14 in a few years anyway"

Today I celebrated my 365th day sober!!

And it only took me 14 years

My 14 year old girl asked me what hairstyle would look good on her

Don’t ever google tips for grooming a teenage girl. I’m now on a list somewhere….

How can you tell if a 14 year old smokes weed?

Just wait. They'll tell you.

My 14 year old is finally taking an interest in me. Last night he asked me my date of birth.

Then he asked me what street I grew up on.

This morning he even asked where I met his mom and what was the name of my first pet! ❤❤❤❤❤

The Pope, Donald Trump, Lionel Messi, and a 14 year old boy are flying on a plane together.

Halfway into the flight, the pilots announce that the plane is going down, and that there are only three parachutes on board.

Lionel Messi grabs a parachute and says “Well guys, I’m the best football player in the world. My fans and millions of people worldwide need me!”, and jumps out of th...

my 14 year old came back with this after his biology class

Q. who was the Jewish prophet that led the water molecules across the partially permeable membrane?
A. osmoses

I overheard my 14 year old daughter telling this joke to a friend.

-"Every time I say something, you say the word addicted"

-"ok"

-"Drugs"

-"Addicted"

-"Alcohol"

-"Addicted"

-"What slapped you across the face last night? "

" Addicted"

I told my 14 year old son I thought 'Fortnite' was a stupid name for a computer game.



I think it is just too weak.

A 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 14 year old walk into a bar...

the 5 year old walks under it.

A husband and wife had been married for 14 years, and were having problems.

They both realized that they needed to see a marriage counselor. They found one that some friends said had helped them immensely. He invited them in and asked them what was going on. The husband just looked down, not knowing what to say, but the wife talked for 15 minutes straight, laying out issue ...

What did R. Kelly say to the 14 year old?

Urine for a treat

Overheard from a 14 year old: Why does Donald Trump watch the Olympics?

To see how high Mexicans can pole vault

What kind of music do 14 year old Tusken Raiders listen to?

Tatooinewave

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My friend just fucked his 14 year old escort.

So, does anyone here know how to fix a 2002 Ford? It's pretty messed up from the event.

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Similarity between pregnant 14 year old and the fetus inside her

They are both thinking "o shit my mom is gonna kill me"

How many 14 year old boys does it take to screw in a lightbulb

Hehe I said screw

14 years ago, my wife and I had our first child.

We were so excited. We have never had a child before so the parenting thing was new to us. The doctor came in and asked, “what will you name her?” I had a good idea, when suddenly my wife said “Love. Her name is Love.” I wasn’t so sure what to think of that, but I decided to go along with it. Love ...

A Vietnamese couple and their 14 year old son have newly immigrated to Canada.

Tomorrow is their son’s first day at high school. The parents are concerned about their son fitting in with the other kids. They feel that his name will hold him back, and they want him to go in with his best foot forward. The father anxiously scans the internet for a name that he thinks other peopl...

Did you hear about the man who broke a 14 year old piano?

He got arrested for assaulting A minor.

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My husband told me today that he was happy to be 14 years older than me...

So he (64) wouldn’t be there to see me (50) becoming an old bitchy woman. I replied: ”If you’re not there anymore, why should I be bitchy?” He couldn’t answer...

Why did the 14 year old Mexican girl end up pregnant?

Because her teacher told her to go do an essay.

My 14 year old is finally earning money. It turns out he started selling his body parts to cannibals.

Now, he's a pro-teen.

Whats the difference between fridge and a 14 year old boy?

The Fridge dosen't cry when you put the meat in

At a family get together I asked my 14 year old nephew, " Ryan did you blow bubbles when you were growing up?"

"No"

"Well he's in town and he said he was looking for you".

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Really drunk guy comes home to his wife and 14 year old son late at night completely wasted...

he starts throwing up all over the place so his wife and son help him get to the bedroom, took off his clothes and put him to sleep.

he wakes up in the morning, remembers last night and thinks to himself "oh my wife is gonna be pissed." he find a note on his wife's pillow in bed saying "Good ...

I went to the doctor and he said you have the blood pressure of a 14 year old kid

I said great. He said, not so great, a 14 year old *American* child. You got four months to live.

Kids are so fat these days the first letters they learn in the alphabet are not ABC, it's KFC

Kids are so fat these days they use cheat codes to play Pokemon Go

Kids are so fat ...

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I’m in a loving marriage of 14 years and still have sex three times a week.

I hope my wife doesn’t find out.

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My girlfriend had a sexual fantasy to roleplay as a 14 year old in bed.

I think it's pretty gross. Besides, she'll be 14 in 2 years anyway.

Why was Roy Moore waiting outside the liquor store when it opened?

He heard they had a 14 year old Brandy

What do a 14 year old and an open bucket of bleach have in common?

For twenty bucks either'll take care of your toddler.

-&y (yup, mine)

This morning I read about that 14 year boy with a clock they thought was a bomb

...I just checked again and it's really blown up since then

Just heard my son speak his first words

where were you the last 14 years

Why is dark spelled with a k, and not a c?

Because you can’t see in the dark.

Courtesy of my 14 year old this evening.

MTV turns 40 this year.

Thanks for 14 years of music.

Four more years is a great thing to shout at a president running for reelection...

But not so good to shout at a 14 year old girl.

A kindergarten class

had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down again. Puzzled, the teacher as...

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A man was on a ship that sunk, and after floating for days he washed up on a deserted island....

He was stranded for many years on this island, but fortunately food was easy to come by. Fruits and vegetables grew abundantly all over the island, and the fish were so easy to catch it was almost like they *wanted* to be caught. Unfortunately, this meant that he had hours and hours of free time th...

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A pregnant lady expecting triplets is tragically shot during a bank robbery

She was shot 3 times in the belly, and 1 bullet hit each of the 3 baby boys. Miraculously, they all survived!


One day about 14 years later, one of her boys came crying to her saying “mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out of my penis”. Then she sat him down and explained what happened al...

Whats the difference between a cow and 9/11?

Americans can't milk the cow for 14 years.

R.Kelly has decided to contest his 30 year prison sentence

He wants it reduced to something below 14 years .

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Pink kryptonite turns Superman gay. What does Thor use?

The Bi-frost.

My 14 year old just came in and told me this one, said he made it up himself. I was impressed.

There once lived a Mr. Wrong

Since he was a wee lad, Mr. Wrong had it tough. He was a bright, brilliant young boy, but to his mother he would never be enough. Worse still, she'd make all sorts of outlandish statements to rub it into him that he would never amount to anything.

Mr. Wrong was tenacious though, as he'd delib...

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A door to door salesman is doing his rounds

He knocks on a door that’s promptly answered by a 14 year old boy wearing stockings and suspenders and a lace bra and panties. The boys drinking a glass of cognac and smoking a fine cigar.
The salesman asks “Son, are your parents home?”
The boys replies “What the fuck do you think”

My son came to me & said: 'Can I have a book mark?'

14 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Jeff

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Pleading to the r/jokes community. Can we please stop all the "this is an old joke" comments?

I mean, every joke that makes it to the front page has the obligatory "this is an old joke", "I've heard this before" comment. Unless the OP literally made the joke up themselves, then *every* joke on here has been heard before. My internal response to those comments is always "NO SHIT."

Ye...

A wannabe rich woman once bought an expensive fur coat

A wannabe rich woman once bought and expensive fur coat which didn’t sit well with her 14 year old daughter.

“Mom, do you realise that some poor, dumb beast had to suffer so you could get that?” She said

The woman, infuriated by her daughter’s comment said ‘how dare you speak about yo...

Chicago anxiety

Bob was sitting on the plane at Cleveland waiting to fly to Chicago, when a guy took the seat beside him.  The guy was an emotional wreck…pale, hands shaking in fear. "What's the matter, afraid of flying?" Bob asked.

"No, it's not that.  I've been transferred to Chicago.  The people are  craz...

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Computer trouble

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Joseph, the 14 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Joseph clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
...

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A wife on her deathbed.

An old man is at his wife's deathbed in their home.

The old woman whispers to her husband.

"My husband, I want to show you something before I pass."

The husband replies "what is it my dear? I'll do anything you ask.."

"I want you to open the chest locker at the foot of th...

A man calls 911 one day and frantically asks them to bring an ambulance

Man: "My 14 year old son was entering the mine to find coal but he stubbed his toe on the entrance! Please bring an ambulance quickly!"

911: "Sir I'm sorry but this is nothing we can do. We don't deal with such minor issues"

Ol' Jed

Ol' Jed was sitting on his porch when his youngest grandson walked up to him.

"Granpa, how did you get to live so to be so old?"

"What, I'm only 85!" he exclaimed before snorting. "Well, let me tell you something. Every morning I sprinkle just a little gunpowder into my oatmeal. It'...

I like my girlfriends the same as I like my scotch...

14 years old and on coke

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Roleplaying Sex

So I was having sex with my girlfriend until she asked "Can we have a roleplay with me playing as a 14 years old girl? " I said " Eww, that's gross. You're gonna be 14 in two years anyway "

What's the difference between a catholic priest and acne?

Acne usually won't come on a child's face until they're 13/14 years old

We should have sent the Opportunity rover to Iraq

since its original mission was supposed to be 3 months but then it kept going for 14 years for no good reason

I tried 360° noscoping a guy using an AWP and accidentally landed a headshot , it was awesome. Then I proceeded to T-bag him.

However the judge was not impressed and gave me a 14 years in prison.

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I go to get some therapy

The therapist says, “Where do you see yourself in 14 years?”
I say back, “I dunno, a mirror.”

I'm pleased with it.

(Came up with this earlier today and told my 14 year old daughter. She was not impressed.)

I'm going to write a new movie script. It will be about a locomotive that breaks down and must, by pure manpower alone, be pulled back to the rail yard.
I'll call it "How To Drag Your Train In."

I've just read that the pollen count is exceptionally high this year.

That would explain why my 14 year old son is getting through so many boxes of tissues, poor little mite.

A young kid misbehaves in school

He is forced to write “I will not misbehave in school” 1000 times. This makes his hand very sore. When he is picked up, he complains “ my hand is sore”. His 14 year old brother reply’s “ yeah, well, it will be even more sore when you’re a teenager”.

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Pregnant lady of 3 gets shot 3 times...

(not sure if it's been told I am new here)

A pregnant woman was walking down an alley way and was shot 3 times. The doctor told her that she will be fine.

14 years later one of her daughters says" mommy, mommy I peed out a bullet!" So her mom tells her what happened all those years ago...

Our realationship is like the mars rover

It was meant to last 90 days but here I am 14 years later

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"Looking back", I told the court,...

"I probably should've phrased my statement as 'My 2004 Ford has been written off' as opposed to 'I've just fucked a 14 year old Esocort'"

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Kevin Spacey's new job

Kevin Spacey's new job is at EA. They heard he likes to fuck 14 year olds over and over, just like them.

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Sex with the DA's wife

Jack gets caught having sex with the DA's wife. The next morning the police is at his door, telling him that he's arrested. Jack is furious. "What? Am I getting arrested just because I slept with the DA's wife? That's not illegal." The police officer shakes his head. "No, we are arresting you becaus...

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Dear Abby

My name is Gloria Mae and I'm from Tennessee. I'm 14 years old and am still a virgin.

Is my brother gay?

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Growing up my girlfriend was called the human calculator...

but that's just because 14 year old boys would have her do handstands so they could see her boobies.

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All my life I was in love with one woman...

Her name was Susan. She had the most beautiful eyes, and the most gorgeous, flowing brown hair. We were friends and I had a crush on her all through high school. Then I got drafted to the service and lost contact with her. A few years later I had left the service and we eventually got back in contac...

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[long] I met a girl online a few weeks ago...

and things were going GREAT. I've never enjoyed chatting with anyone more in my entire life. Shared interests, movies, music, shows, the whole 9 yards.

A week after we first met online, she reveals something to me. She's only 14 years old. Now, I'm over the age of majority, but when I think a...

So a man walks in to a CVS..

and he goes to the female cashier and asks how he can know what size condom he should wear. She tells him to step behind the counter, she unzips his pants, gives him a few tugs and says "Medium". He buys his condoms and tells his buddy "Hey, there's this girl at the CVS who can guess your condom siz...

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