UPJOKE

12 Year Jokes

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A sales guy rings the doorbell on a house, and the door is opened by a 12 year old, holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar

The sales guy is a bit stunned, but plows forward and asks, "Is your dad home?"

The kid replies, "What the fuck do you think?"

My 12 year old son tried coffee for the first time today

"It tastes like dirt!"

I told him it was just ground this morning.

My 12 year old just told me a joke

He said “I’ve been trying to cut down the amount of video games I play, I’m only playing for 30 minutes before I go to bed. Last night I went to bed 8 times.”

When my wife died I couldn’t shower alone for 12 years.

But I’m out of prison now!

Joke from my 12 year old “why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?”

Because they’re so good at it!

Please don’t ban me

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Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"

Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

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A 12 year old boy walks into a barber shop

Once he arrives, the barber turns to a customer and says "check this kid out, he's the dumbest person I've ever seen. Here, watch this".

The barber then pulls out a dollar bill in one hand and 2 quarters in the other. "Hey Johnny, go ahead and pick which amount of money you want".

The...

Joke from my 12 year old son

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong sock!

A psychic just told me I'd go through an unbelievable pain in 12 years

To cheer myself up, I bought a puppy!

Recently, a fortune teller told me that in about 12 years I would suffer terrible heartbreak.

So, to cheer myself up, I went and bought a puppy.

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Last week I launched a book aimed at 9 to 12 year olds.

I'm proud to say I hit one of the little shits.

My horoscope said that i was going to get my heart broken in 12 year time.

So i bought a puppy to cheer myself up.

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My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

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This will be my first Halloween as a single person in over 12 years.

I think I’ll dress up as Southwest Airlines and fuck a bunch of people.

Joke my 12 year old son made up: What do you call it when you throw Mexican food at high velocity?

Fa-yeet-a

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After 12 years of marriage…

is learning your spouse sucked 100 dicks a big deal, or is my wife overreacting?

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A 12 year old boy goes in the confession box and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest replies angrily, "You better not be cheating on me, you little bastard"

Jesus Christ, 12 years old, steps out of his home but neglects to close the door behind him.

Mary: Hold on, son! Were you born in a barn?

This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard his mother moaning.

He decided that he'd go see whats wrong with her. When he looked in his mothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed naked and rubbing herself and saying, "I need a man, I need a man." So this quite a few times and then one night he heard his mother again, but this time her moaning sounded dif...

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My 12 year old nephew told me this joke..

I have a green ball in my left hand and a green ball in my right hand.. What else do I have?

The hulk's dick in my mouth!

Cracked me up, he's really posh so was totally unexpected!

Parents of 12 year old gravel pits are always nervous...

The quarry teens are notoriously awful.

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Everyone is freaking out and hoarding toilet paper but I’m thinking 12 year ahead...

And hoarding shells.

After 12 years of regular counselling sessions,

my psychiatrist said something that made me cry like a baby.

He said: “No hablo ingles.”

I bought a really nice 12 year old scotch

obviously his parents weren't very pleased

Just as I thought all the trick or treaters were gone for the night, a 12 year old boy came to my door dressed in all red....

Instead of saying trick or treat he told me “I’m your period, sorry I’m late”

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John was starting to worry about his 12 year old son Jack.

Jack was a D student, and only because John helped complete all of Jack's homework. Jack wasn't good at sports. He didn't have many friends. And it seemed like once a week he was getting called into the principal's office for some sort of misbehavior. So John told Jack, in a last ditch effort to get...

Gillian Anderson of the x files just lost custody of her 12 year old boy following a long legal battle.

She is now Gillian Withouterson.

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When my girlfriend and I do role play sex she insists that I treat here like a 12 year old...

I don't know why she insists on it so heavily... I mean she will be 12 in just a couple of years!

My 12 year old sister got me with this one.

What do you call a cow with no legs?.......Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?.........Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with 2 legs?......... Your Mom.




Half sister technically. Not the same mom.

My wife has a body of a 12 year old.

She keeps it in the fridge.

A 12 year old boy comes home early from the playground

and to his surprise when he enters his house, he hears loud moaning voices coming from his parent's room, in a confused state he quickly hides in his room. His father also comes home early, and the boyfriend of his mother comes running down and hides in the kids room as well.

Kid: It's reall...

I showed my 12 year old son an old floppy disk..

He said "Wow.. Cool! You 3D printed the save icon!"

Hey my name is Nathan and i'm 12 years old:) I was wondering if there was a dating site for only 12 year olds and under...

I'm not asking for myself!! My uncle was wondering

From the mouth of my 12 year old son...

Did you know Jared is in prison for trying to get into smaller pants?

Every time my girlfriend puts her hair in pig tails, she looks like a 12 year old

I keep telling her that I'm tired of her trying to dress older.

What's it called when a 12 year old African boy that's crying?

A mid-life crisis

A 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 14 year old walk into a bar...

the 5 year old walks under it.

A strange van pulls up to a 12 year old boy walking down the street...

The man in the van holds out a bag of candy and says, "hey kid, if I give you a piece of candy will you come in my van?"

To that the kid replies, "I'll come in your mouth if you give me the whole bag."

What does Donald Trump and a 12 year old have in common?

They know a lot about hacking.

I was talking to a 12 year old on the Internet when she told me she was an undercover cop

I told her I was proud of her

That's a really big job for a 12 year old

What do interested chemists and 12 year-old hackers have in common?

Inspect element

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An Arkansas man takes his 12 year-old daughter to the doctor to get her on birth control

The doctor then asks the man, “ Your 12 year-old daughter is sexually active!?”

The man replies, “No, she’s like her mother. She just lays there.”

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My 12 year old son asked me "dad what's the best drug to have sex on?"

I answered "... birth control"

A 12 year old boy comes home from school

He enters the home and his parents are sitting on the sofa together clutching hands.

“Sit down son we have something to say” says the dad

The boy sits down.

“You’re adopted” the mother says.

The boy sighs and tears up and asks “why didn’t you say so before? I’ve always wo...

12 year old and a clown walking through the woods..

A 12 year old and a clown are walking through the woods one night.

The kid turns to the clown and says "Mr. clown these woods sure are scary!"

The clown turns to the kid and says "What are you scared for? I'm the one who has to walk back alone!"

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A man orders an expensive, 12 year old whiskey.

A man orders an expensive 12 year old whiskey. The bartender has only one bottle left of the 12 year old whiskey, and doesn't want to open it. Instead, he pours the man a 4 year old whiskey, thinking that the man won't know the difference.

The drink is passed to the man and he takes a drink,...

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A pedophile spots two 12 year old girls walking in the forest

He approaches them and says:

'I'll give you a lollipop each if you let me pet your hair!'

The two girls glance at each other, shrug, then nod. They get the sweets, and the pedophile gently strokes their hair.

'I'll give you two more lollipops if you let me carress your shoulders...

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What does a 12 year old redneck girl say when she loses her virginity?

Get off me dad, you're crushing my smokes!

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I was blessed with a 10 inch penis when I was 12 years old...

...I really hope that creepy-ass priest is still in jail.

What do 12 year old mexican girls and born-again christians have in common?

They both have a little Jesus in 'em...

My kid is a LEGO genius. The box said 6-12 years...

... and she finished it in less than a day. That's gotta be some sort of record.

I was sober for 12 years...

And then i turned 13.

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I love 12 year old porn.

If you ask me, 2003 was just the golden age of porn with the best and sexiest adult actors of our generation.

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So a husband and wife of 12 years goes golfing...

and the man shanks his shot on the 7th hole and it goes behind a barn.

"Damn, now I have to hit around" he said.

His wife says, "No, you can shoot it right through, see?" and she opens the barn door and sure enough there's a perfect line to the green.

He hit the shot, it hits th...

After 12 years in prison, a man finally breaks out.

When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, “Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!

Lego box said 5-12 years

I got it done in 2 weeks

My Father died when I was 12 years old.

My dad died when I was 12, and was diagnosed with cancer several years before, so for the longest time, I never had a father figure.

And for some reason, George Michael won’t return or answer my fan mail or letters. But, I’m sure he’ll get back to me when he can.

A prisoner managed to escape after 12 years in prison

When he got home his wife looked at him and said, **"Where the hell have you been? They said on the news you escaped 8 HOURS AGO!!"**

The guy ran back to the jail

Today, I'm happy to say I am 12 years sober!

Unfortunately it was only the first 12 years of my life and I've been drunk ever since.

How do you stop a baby from turning blue?

Take it out of the plastic bag.


(no joke, told by my 12 year old daughter at Thanksgiving dinner)

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly, the woman gathers courage to go ask him out. She walks over, takes a seat next to him, turns and says...

"Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure...but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were...

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A wealthy snob walks into a bar

The snob asks the bartender for a 12-year-old Scotch. The bartender serves him, but the snob spits it out. "Hey, what are you trying to pull? I know my scotch, and this isn't 12-year-old, it's 5-year old!"

The bartender apologizes "Sorry, sir, we really don't have much demand here for 12 y...

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A good wish from Genie!!!

4 friends made their annual monthly meeting. Every 3rd week of each month they go out same bar same time same friday night.

As always they endup pretty drunk and a 3 o'clock in morning they call out this night and start go home. While walking on empty and dark street they were still having f...

The contest

A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.


The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"


On...

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Underdeveloped

Jim proposed to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old.

Jim stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.
“I too have a problem...

Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?"

I immediately burst into tears.

12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian

A widower goes to the butcher

shortly after the death of his wife. As soon as the butcher sees him he breaks down into tears.

"I have a confession to make!" The butcher says between sobs. "8 years ago I made a pass at your wife! I told her she could have all finest cuts of meat she'd like if she'd sleep with me. She turne...

Did you hear about the guy who travelled to Czechoslovakia and wasn't allowed to leave for a long long time?

Poor guy. They made a movie about him: 12 Years A Slav.

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A man comes home visibly irritated.

His wife notices and asks if something is wrong.

He shakes his head.

"C'mon. Talk to me" she says.

He takes a moment to steady himself. "It's just that..." he pauses again, and takes a deep breathe. "Well, first of all, last night when you were telling me about your day?"
...

My son called me today, telling me he was in the hospital….

I told him to stop letting me know. He’s been a doctor for 12 years.

Why are the bathrooms so quiet at Pfizer headquarters?

....



Because the P is silent.
(a 12 year old told me this after I got my Pfizer vaccine)

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An inventor, Liam, builds a humanoid lie detector robot that can slap you if you lie. As with all his inventions, his family will be the first round of test subjects.

At dinner, the inventor asks his son Jimmy about his day.

"I was at Scotts, we were studying for mid-terms."

The robot suddenly springs to life, slapping the son hard upside the head.

"Ow, what the fucking shit?" Jimmy exclaims angrily.

Liam looks at his son with a bemu...

The Priest & The Frog...

"One fine sunny morning, the Irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool."

"What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest."

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fi...

Because of his loss in Wisconsin, Trump has put a ban on all shredded cheese.

It's the only way he can make America GRATE again.

Credit to my 12 year old son.

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man...

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man, is in town on business and towards the end of his trip he decides to take a walk on the docks and take in the ocean view.

As he's walking he comes up on a young boy, maybe 12 years old, crying on the edge of the dock.

Mr. Smith hesitates but decides to a...

I have finally punched my membership card into Dad jokes!

So last night my 12 year old son and I are watching the Little League World Series. The pitcher for the Nevada team has a last name of "Kryszczuk". My son looks to me and asks "Do you think he's Russian?"

My response: Nope, it looks like he's taking his time.

It took him a couple of...

Robert Pattinson is the worst vampire ever.

It took him 12 years to transform into a bat.

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For the last time, NO! NO! NOOOO!

So, there's this man. He's young, healthy, reasonably attractive, good job, etc.

Only problem is, he has a 25 inch penis. This might might sound great if you're a 12 year old, but it soon becomes the bane of his existence. Every time he meets a nice lady, eventually things lead to the bedroom...

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Doctor!

A worried nurse rushes into the Doctor's office and tells him
"Doctor! There's a man in the waiting room who says he hasn't pooped in 12 years! Do you think he's telling the truth?"

The doctor ponders a moment and says " Send him back and I'll check him out. One thing is for certain, ei...

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A blind man walks into a bar ...

A blind man walks into a bar and says to the bartender “Give me a shot of your finest 30 year old single malt !”

The bartender says, “You know, that will cost you 100 bucks – it’s pretty expensive”. The blind man says “Not a problem, I have the money and I know what I like !”. So the bartende...

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