UPJOKE

12 Months Jokes

I haven't worn clothes for 12 months.

I'm on a 1 year streak.

In 12 months, my startup has gone from $0 in monthly revenue to 8-figures in monthly revenue.

Here's how we did it:

August 2021: $0

August 2022: $0.0000000

BREAKING: American Jazz musician sentenced to 12 months in prison, legally changes name

Felonious Monk will be eligible for parole in 6 months

What are they going to call the baby boom 10-12 months after all these people lock themselves in to hide from Covid-19?

I don't know, but in 2033, they'll be quaranteens.

We got this puzzle for for Christmas that said 6-12 months.

Jokes on them it only took me an hour and a half.

Salesperson at a big furniture store: "You put no money down and make no payments for 12 months!"

Me (nervously): "Who told you about us?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out cock fighting is done with chickens...

That's 12 months of training gone to waste.

A teacher just graded one of her students’ homework 9/10 and 14/10

The student was so happy and she showed it to her mom as soon as she reached home.

However, the mom feels mildly disturbed as she thought the 14/10 didn’t make any sense. “14 out of 10? The teacher was just randomly writing the grade, so irresponsible”, she thought like this and the next day ...

Have you heard of a guy who stole a calendar.

He got 12 months.

What’s the difference between the truth and a conspiracy theory?

About 6-12 months.

Hillbilly tries to get into Heaven

Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates, Saint Peter told him that, because of severe overcrowding, all prospective heavenly souls had to pass an intelligence test to gain admittance. “Are you ready?” St. Peter asked?

Bubba Buford Cletus Hogg shrugge...

An Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman...

An English, Scottish & Irish soldier are caught fighting as mercenaries in a foreign land.


As prisoners of war, the General sentences each to 12 months of solitary confinement, but to show he is fair, he will give them each a years supply of a luxury item of their choosing.

...

Mick: I’ve got a medical problem so I have to get circumcised...

Paddy: Wow! At 35 years old?! I was a new born baby when I was circumcised.

Mick: Did it hurt?

Paddy: Well I couldn’t walk for about 12 months

A village is being terrorized by a man eating tiger.

All the villagers' efforts to catch this tiger have been in vain. They call an acclaimed hunter "One shot Bob" who is so named because rumor has it that he can disable or kill any animal with just one shot.

So the hunter arrives, all smug and self assured. He prepares for the hunt and perch...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A circus is looking for new acts so they place an advert in the local paper

A few days later the circus' agent gets a phone call. "Hi I'm Jeff!" says the caller "I saw your advert and it sounds like my dream! I think I'm definitely talented enough to be in the circus!"

"Well ok Jeff, tell me about yourself, what's your skill?" says the agent

"I can skateboard!...

Why are 17-year-olds like a new car?

0% interest for 12 months.

What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on new years eve?

He got 12 months!

A man joins a Tibetan temple

He takes a vow of silence but is allowed to say two words every year.

After an arduous 12 months of eating rice, sleeping on a wooden bed with a raggedy blanket, and working 14-hour days in the field, the man goes to the head monk and says his two words:

“More blankets.”

Anoth...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old Italian men are sitting on a bench arguing about who is the most desirable woman in the world.

The first says, “For me, it must be the greatest Italian actress, Sophia Loren. Every man who ever saw her movies fantasized about her.”

The second man replies, “That’s what I used to think, but now it must be this woman from the United States, Virginia Pipalini.”

“Who is that!? I’ve n...

A calendar goes to the doctor and asks him to give it to him straight...

“Okay. You’ve got 12 months.”

Dad joke for my birthday

I just opened my birthday card from my Dad...

"How time has flown, it only seems like 12 months since your last birthday"

What's musical and useful at the grocery store?

A Chopin Liszt

Note: taken from one of those horrible "Joke of the Day" desk calendars. It took almost 12 months to get something clever.

Soon be Christmas...

WHO SAYS doing Christmas shopping early avoids the crush? Last year, I did mine a full 12 months in advance, and the shops were just as busy as ever.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.