UPJOKE

100 Year Jokes

Alligators can live up to 100 years...

Which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.

Of all the inventions of the last 100 years...

the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland nursing home were turning 100 years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer to...

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.

Today everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.

Oh how the stables have turned.

Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?

Do you smoke?
No.

Do you eat too much?
No.

Do you go to bed late?
No.

Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
No.

Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 100 year old Japanese man is being interviewed for a newspaper piece about extreme old age

and the reporter asks "do you think there's any merit to the stereotype that people from this village live a lot longer than others?"

The old man thinks for a second and says "you know, I'm not sure. Let me go ask my dad". And the reporter, stunned, stammers "y-your dad? Where is he right now...

Doctor, how can I live 100 years?

Man: Doctor, how can I live to be 100 years old?

Doctor: Well, do you smoke cigarettes or do any type of drugs?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Do you eat a lot of junk food?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Do you sleep around without using protection?

Man: Nope

Doctor: Then why...

A simple but funny joke that came from my 100 year old great grandmother last night

She leans in to my mom and says
“When is Mother’s Day?”

My mom thought she was genuinely asking because she forgot, but she then says
“Nine months after fathers night”

What's the best part about being 100 years old?

No peer pressure.

100 years ago, a poor Polish immigrant was begging for money in New York city

Suddenly, a stranger appears and starts to talk with her.

Stranger: What is your name, sad lady

Lady: My name is Edit, I am the daughter of Solomon and Alta. I am asking for help because I have nothing to eat

Stranger: I just won this golden coin in a game of poker. I feel guilt...

An American and a Russian freeze themselves for a 100 years

....taking a bet whose country will be doing better in the future. So they enter the cryo chamber and go to sleep. When they wake up, they buy a newspaper. The Russian takes it and as he reads the headline, he starts smiling.
"The communist party wins the U.S. Elections for the fifth time in a r...

What kind of gun takes 100 years to reload?

A sentry gun.

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, “1500+hp Porsche 917/30. It cost half a million dollars!”

'That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to ...

Everyone asked a 100 year-old man for his health secrets:

The old man said: “I’ll tell you you a secret. I’ve been married for 75 years.

Promised my wife when we got married that when two people quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers. I’ve been walking 5 kilometers everyday for 75 years!”

Everyone asked again:”But how come your wife...

Xi and Biden have a bet

Xi wagers that in 100 years time China would be the dominant superpower, while Biden is confident that the USA will remain uncontested.

So after their terms ended and they reached the end of their mortal coil, they were cryogenically preserved in Switzerland and woken up in 100 years.

...

A 100 year old man who lived next to a Formula 1 track all his life got interview by the local news

Reporter: "100 years is a long time, has this place had an affect on your life in any way?

The old man scratched his head and took a minute to think and said:

"NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO".

(Works better when you tell it lol)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A statue of two naked lovers has been in a park for 100 years.

God sees them and touched by their love sends down an Angel. The Angel waves his hand and the statues become alive. The angel says." God has granted you 30 minutes of life to do with what you will."

The two immediately run into the bushes where there is rustling and laughter. Fifteen minutes ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I travelled back in time 100 years and went around calling everyone "gay"...

They'd all be happy

Whenever people tell me smoking is bad for me, I tell them that my great Grandmother lived to be 100 years old.

And when they say "did she smoke her whole life" I say "no, but she was real good at minding her own business"

Magicians are celebrating 100 years of sawing people in half

I'm split in two about it.

Alcoholic, women lover and weed smoker go to hell

The Satan says them: "you can get out if you'll spend 100 years in a room with your main addictions".

He shows the alcoholic a room with lots of alcohol. Alcoholic says: "ok, i'll spend 100 years here".

Then he shows a women lover a room with beautiful young women.
He says "ok, i'll...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 100 year-old man goes to the doctor and says “I need my sex drive lowered!”

The doctor replies “I think it’s all in your head.”

The old mans exclaims “That’s the problem, I need it LOWER!”

I can see 100 years into the past

I've got 1919 vision.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 100 year old man brings home a prostitute from a local bar.

The lady begins to undress and perform a headstand in the corner.
The man asked, what are you doing? One of those fancy Carmen sutures positions.
She said no. I figured you can't get it up so go ahead and drop it down in.

A man travels 100 years forward in time. (Long)

Being unable to return, he decides to see how much of what he lived through still exists, and coincidentally, r/jokes still exists


He browses it, but instead of seeing jokes as he was used to, he just saw random numbers , some of which got thousands of upvotes, and some which didn't ge...

100 year old communism joke

A nobleman had a servant who was violently opposed to capitalism and devoted most of his free time attending meetings where communistic theories were expounded and applauded.

The nobleman was tolerant because the servant was so diligent in the performance of his duties.

Suddenly the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why Would She Destroy 100 years of Memories?

This morning my wife was destroying her inherited, four-generations old, heirloom dining collection. When asked why, she replied, "Fuck China!"

So the avatar was gone for 100 years and he came back

That's what I call a Boomer Aang

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A reporter interviews a 100-year-old man...(long)

A man in the country turns 100 years old, and a reporter is sent to interview him.

"You must have had some pretty good experiences. Tell me about one."

"Well," replies the old-timer. "There was that time when I was a kid, when Mr. Douglas's sheep got lost in the woods. Me and my co...

What do you give a country that hasn't rang it's bell for war in 100 years?

A no bell peace prize.

An old joke from about 100 years ago that's actually somewhat amusing

A Milwaukee man and his wife recently received a call from an old friend whom they had not seen for years. Just before the three sat down to a little supper in the German style, the wife, seizing a favorable opportunity, whispered to her husband:

"We have only three bottles of beer in the hou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 100 year old redneck is interviewed by the local tv

The journalist asks him: "what was the best day of your life?" The redneck responds "the day we lost the pig! We searched him with all my family, we looked everywhere in the propriety and when we found him, we had a party and fucked the pig!" The journalist asks him to not use inappropriate language...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Things sure have changed in the last 100 years

Like now if you fuck your dishwasher people think you’re crazy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a high wire walker, and a guy getting a blow job from a 100 year old woman both thinking?

Whatever you do, don't look down.

It's pretty sad that even though women have had the right to vote for 100 years now...

we still spend more time talking about mail ballots.

My grandfather said "if you drink Scotch every day for 100 years"

You'll live a long time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got arrested for having sex with a 100 year old woman...

Stupid binary...

I can’t believe it’s been more than 100 years since Einstein first proposed that Time is Relative.

Seems like only yesterday.

An 80 year old man goes in for a physical

And the doctor tells him, "You're in terrific health, you're healthier than most 40 year olds, what do you contribute your exceptional health to?"

And the man replies"Turkey hunting, every morning I walk in the mountains and go turkey hunting."

"Well maybe genetics has something to do ...

When did the 100 years war get serious?

When the English got Crecy

Women gained the right to vote 100 years ago to the day...

yet they still can't cast a vote on what they want for dinner

The local journalist heard about a man turning 100 years old who had never had any alcohol in his life.

The journalist decided to interview him to highlight the health benefits of abstaining.

On the day of the interview the journalist is led into the old man's house by his caregiver. The caregiver took him to the old man who was bedridden and hooked up to an oxygen tank.

"So you've never...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The county's eldest man had just turn a 100 years old and local tv was reporting on the event...

The reporter had her crew set up in the living room of the retirement home where the man, born in 1919, was watching days pass by.

She sat on a chair in front of him, ready to start taping the feel-good segment of the night's local news.

"I'm with mister James Woodson, our county's eld...

Who said he wanted to?

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, *"To what do you attribute your good health?"*

The old timer said, *"I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape.   I'm up well before daylight and out go...

Man with a beard a 100 years ago: "Ok, I'll go chop down some trees."

Man with beard today: " I found a great face mask that's gluten and cruelty free."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

100 years ago, 19 white men chasing down a black man was called the Klu Klux Klan

Now it's called Formula 1


*Ku Kluk Klan

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an old man in a small African village about to turn 100 years old.

Easily the oldest man around those parts, the local newspaper decides to run an article on him. They sent a reporter over to interview him and he asked all the usual questions, "Have you lived around here all of your life?" "What are some of the most memorable changes you've seen in your lifetime?" ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It has been said that Abraham Lincoln wrote a journal on how to construct a sturdy house that would last 100 years...

...for many years engineers have been trying to replicate it, but sadly they haven't found any of Lincoln's Logs.

A man proposes to a beautiful young girl and attempts to entice her by telling her that his father is 100 years old and possesses a fortune of several million pounds. The girl asks for two weeks to consider the proposal ...

Two weeks pass and the man calls the girl for her decision 'I can't sorry' she tells him 'I'm your stepmother'

Phones

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of Buffalo, New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 120 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…

One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, *POOF!* he turns the statues into real people.

The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite sat...

With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions......... 1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous? 2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?r>
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

6. Every time you clean something, you just make som...

How do you make a honeymoon salad?

>!Lettuce alone, without any dressing.!<

My great grandmother used to travel on boats between the Philippines, England, and America \~100 years ago. During the down time on ships, she learned to entertain people, and come up with jokes, this was a good one that's been passed down throu...

The CIA, The Mossad and The KGB.

A mummy was found in Egypt, and to determine its age and whatnot, three best forensic teams of the world decided to start a competition.

The CIA went first. They studied the mummy for a year, and then came up with a result: the person lived around 1000 years BC, plus or minus 200 years.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all die and end up at the Pearly Gates...

St. Peter welcomes them all in.

He says, as per standard Heaven protocol, for your first 100 years you get one of anything you like, unlimited, with no consequences.

The Englishman says "Well I really like sex, can I have 200 horny 18 year old stunners to play around with?". St.Peter...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.