UPJOKE

10 Pound Jokes

- Dad, can I borrow 10 pounds?

- 15 pounds? Why do you need 20 pounds?

Best way to lose 10 pounds instantly...

...decapitation.

If the camera really does add 10 pounds

Do Ethiopian kids even exist?

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A guy is walking by a gym, when he notices a sign out front that reads "Lose 5 Pounds in 10 Minutes Guaranteed!"

Curious, he enters the gym. He asks about the sign and the clerk tells him it's legit, but it costs $100. The clerk also tells him that if he doesn't lose 5 pounds, he gets his money back.

The guy shrugs and lays $100 on the counter. He is led to a large, empty room covered in floor mats. ...

How do you make 10 pounds of ugly fat attractive?

Put a nipple on it.

It's been a year that I started working out to lose 10 pounds...

Only 12 more to go

I have lost about 10 pounds!

While I think that is pretty impressive, my sister is screaming at me to go find her baby...

I lost 10 pounds last month.

But don't worry I found it again, and 10 more.

My neighbor once ordered 5 gallons of paint. They screwed up and sent him a 10 pound bucket of Sodium.

That happened years ago and he is still salty about it.

Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.

The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".

"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.

"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.

"Oh, that's no good at all. H...

Started going to the gym and I dropped 10 pounds very quickly.

Thankfully the dumbbell missed my foot.

I joined a gym and lost 10 pounds in first week.

They canceled my membership.

I called the bowling alley today and asked if they had 10 pound balls.

He said "yes", which I thought was amazing for how fast he was able to run to the phone.

I've started a diet where I only eat my toddlers' leftover food.

I've gained 10 pounds

My grandfather always used to say he could go to the candy store and get 10 pounds of candy with a quarter

He can't anymore though, too many cameras.

The political parties can't agree on what a second economic stimulus package should look like. Democrats want every American to receive a $1,200.00 check, while Republicans favor giving everybody 10 pounds of Parmesean cheese.

The GOP wants to "Make America Grate Again".

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3 guys are on top of a cliff

3 guys are on top of a cliff admiring the view, then god comes down to them and says "jump down this cliff and shout out what you want the most and you will find it on the bottom"

The first guy jumps and shouts "5 pound notes!". He land safely in a large pile of 5 pound notes at the bottom....

My New Year's resolution is going great!

I went to the gym this morning and I've already lost 10 pounds. Seriously I have no idea where I misplaced those dumbbells.

The King's Contest

There was once a King of a faraway land, and he was bored. So we called a contest for all the knights of the land to determine which had the mightiest "weapon".

The knights and their audience gathered in the great hall, and the contest began. The first knight stepped forward, dropped his pant...

Why did the Blonde only change her baby's diaper once a week?

Because it said, Up to 10 pounds on the box.

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A man is watching the news one day

There is a commercial advertising a weight loss company. It says that you can lose anywhere from 5 pounds to 50 pounds in increments of five and it only cost $10. They said they have a 100% satisfaction guarantee and if you aren’t satisfied you can have a refund.

The man believes that this is...

Weight loss

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about he...

Why do Brits always look wealthier on T.V. and in movies?

Because the camera puts on 10 pounds.

When you see pictures of the Holocaust it’s really sad

But it’s even more depressing when you realize the camera adds 10 pounds

Your mommas so fat.....

She got arrested at the airport for 10 pounds of crack.

A calculus joke:

A 120 pound camera sits atop a tripod. How much force does each leg hold?

Whoops. Meant to type 130. Forgot that the camera adds 10 pounds.

This computer can answer any question!

The computer salesman was trying to convince the CEO to buy the horribly expensive mainframe.

"It can answer *any* question! Just try it!"
The CEO thinks a minute, and asks "OK, what's my father doing right now?"
The computer grinds away for awhile, and answers "Your father...

An orchestra is performing Chopin

Halfway through the performance a cellist bursts into the concert hall, late and drunk as a skunk. He then pushes his way to his seat and starts awkwardly sawing away at his cello as if nothing was awry.

The conductor was furious! He snapped his baton and dove at the cellist, choking him to d...

A Logical Conclusion

They say a camera adds 10 pounds.

After my last look in the mirror, I must be under heavy surveillance.

Losing weight

A man goes to a Weight Loss Clinic and after a short discussion they ask the man how much weight he would like to lose today?
After a few seconds he replies "10 Pounds"
They tell him to go to the first door on the left and go in. They explain the room will be dark and the door will lock behind...

Weight Loss Man

A man wants to lose weight. He sees an ad that boasts losing 5 pounds in one week so he calls and orders it. The next day he steps out his door and sees the best looking girl he has ever seen in just a sports bra, a thong, and a sign that reads "if you catch me I am yours". She runs and the man chas...

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John was a very fat guy who was sick of being ridiculed all the time.

So he decided to do something to reduce his weight. Next morning he found an advertisement in the newspaper claiming to help him lose weight quickly. Intrigued, he called them and asked for the plans available.
The operator told him that there are three plans
"10 pounds in a week"
"20 po...

A couple had been dating for a few months.

And they decided to consummate the relationship.

As they were driving to the hotel the man says, “Just so you know I am really nervous about doing this, you see I am built like a baby boy down there.”

She replies, “OMG I bet that was really hard to to confess too! And I am so relieved...

Last night I dreamed I was eating a pillow

When I woke up, my 10 pound marshmallow was gone.

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[NSFW] A Pole, a Russian and a German set a bet with the devil

They claim that within half a year each would set up a shop that would have everything in it.

When the time passes, the devil visits the Russian and sees a nice big shopping mall with lots of stores in it. The devil nods in appreciation:

"Nice shop you have here, Nikolai. You sure you ...

So the family wife comes home after a long day of work...

...and the husband is already there. The wife walks in the door and is slightly surprised/ irritated to find her husband (who she’s been considering divorcing,) standing in the doorway right in front of her, hands on hips, BEAMING with pride.

Wife: “Why are you so happy?”

Husband: “I...

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A man wants to lose some weight...

A man wants to lose a couple of pounds. After browsing the internet, he finds an ad saying "lose weight quickly!" Skeptical, he calls the number. A very cheerful woman answers the phone and explains "yes, we have 3 different exercise program levels. The first one is for beginners and you can lose up...

I made a bet with a friend of mine that I could lose more weight than him in a month

I lost 10 pounds.

A middle school band director named Joe is having trouble instructing his students to play their instruments.

One girl is being extremely difficult and cannot play the flute to save her life. Finally he walks over to her and hits her in the head with her flute, killing her. She dies instantly and he is sentenced to death by electrocution. The warden asks what he would like his last meal to be. Joe says "I'd...

After my surgery, the doctor told me I have to pee sitting down.

He told me not to lift anything that weighs more than 10 pounds.

LPT: When weightlifting, always have a friend videotape it.

Because the camera always adds 10 pounds.

excuse for being fat...

They say the camera adds 10 pounds... Quit eating cameras damnit

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After I had surgery on my back I started telling my friends this one.

Me: So the doctor said that because of my back, I can't masturbate for a while.

Friend: What!? Why?

Me: I'm not allowed to lift anything more than 10 pounds.

Wife told husband that she has gained a lot of weight lately and wants to lose weight

Husband: There's a very effective weight loss patch. You'll lose 10 pounds in one week. The most important thing is that it's really cheap.

Wife: Oh wow! I need to have one. Where do you apply the patch?

Husband: On your mouth.

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Weight loss program

An overweight guy is begging his doctor to help him lose weight. After some discussion, the doctor understands how desperate he is, so he offers to tell him about an unconventional technique.

"Anything, Doc! I'll do anything!"

"Well, the human body can absorb enough nutrition from the ...

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A fat man is watching television

He is desperate about his weight situation, all of the sudden he sees an advertisement about losing weight on a tv channel, the woman on the tv shows 3 lose weight secrets that can be deliver to your house but without knowing what the actual product is, she also mentions to be aware of the third on...

A father's view of diaper changes

So a mother of a baby had to go out for the day, and left the father in charge of things.

"Do you know what you're doing, with the diapers? You've never changed one."

"Sure, no problem, have a good time! Don't worry about us!"

Mother comes back in the evening, the baby's diaper ...

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The Shit List (from the office fax machine 30 or so years ago)

**THE SHIT LIST**

GHOST SHIT:

You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but there is no shit in the toilet.

TEFLON COATED SHIT:

Comes out so slick, clean & easy you didn't even feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toile...

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