Worked Jokes - 46 Hilarious Worked Jokes

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Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years

One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.

Hi...

I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.

Nobody expects the Spanish in position.

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

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A maid worked at the house of a very rich couple

One day, she was peacefully sweeping the floor when the phone rang. She answered it:

"Hello, who am I talking to?"

"It's me, the boss. Is my wife already home?"

"What...? I mean, yes, she's here, sir, but why are you calling? Aren't you here too?"

"What do you mean? I'm a...

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I had a friend who worked in a sex toy warehouse. He was killed when a pallet of dildos dropped from a lift and smashed him...

...hit him like a ton of pricks.

WOW, #2 on r/jokes! I'm the shit! Thanks everyone.

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail with illegible addresses…

One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

“Dear God,

I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which...

A magician worked on a cruise ship...

.....the audience was different each week so the
magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot
saw the shows each week and began to understand
how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the ...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

This comment has been overwritten and deleted forevermore by the user in response to the API changes June 2023.

What did the blonde say when asked if her turn signal worked?

“Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle- not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking.

I said “What’s up...can't handle the pressure of performing on ...

Two different doctors worked together on my knee surgery

It was a joint operation

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A womans husband worked at a Pickle Factory...

One day, her husband comes home and says, "Dear, for years at work I have had the powerful urge to stick my dick in the pickle slicer. Every day, when I walk past the pickle slicer, I get the compulsion to just stick it in. Well, today, I gave in and shoved my dick in the pickle slicer right there o...

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It worked for the bull

An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and was lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beer hall.

One of them says, "Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick."

"How did you...

I had an uncle who worked at a whiskey factory. He fell into a vat and drowned 6 hours later.

He would have drowned earlier but he got out 3 times to pee.

Barry worked on a farm

He was absolutely obsessed with farm machinery, particularly tractors. He loved working on them, driving them, ploughing with them, and at the end of the day cleaning them.

His room was filled with tractor posters, he often completed puzzles of tractors, built and painted small model tractors...

I hired a Handyman and gave him a list of things to fix. He only worked on numbers 1, 3, and 5.

I guess he only does odd jobs.

The manager in the fetish shop I worked at was a horrible human being.

One day I spat in his cup of coffee.

But that was only because I got sick of him asking.

I tried cutting wood by just looking at it, and it worked!

I saw it with my own two eyes

None of my European electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God.

Turns out they just needed a higher power.

I used to wonder how lightning worked.

Then it struck me.

Rolando worked all his life in the circus.

He joined the circus young, and worked his way up from stable boy, to apprentice tumbler, then became a human cannonball. He was fantastic at it, shooting higher and farther than anyone had ever gone before. He also did some aerial tumbling that really excited the crowds.

But he grew unhappy...

My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working"

Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.

Did you hear about the snake who worked for the government?

He was a civil serpent.

A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.

The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home,
which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then raised concerns about the education
a child would receive while in the couple's care.

"We've arranged for a full-time ...

They worked hard to uncover the masked Refrigerator thief

But the case went cold

I worked in the woods as a lumberjack

I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

I haven’t worked out since...

I haven’t worked out since that one time I tried to reach for a bag of chips at the foot of the bed and did a sit-up by mistake.

That wasn't the joke. The joke is my life.

A mechanic was secretly drinking brake fluid at the garage where he worked. On some days he would even drink a whole pint of the stuff. One day his boss found out and confronted him about it.

The mechanic said “It won’t become a problem, boss, I swear I can stop whenever I want!”

My dad worked as a clown. When he died I didn’t want to follow his work.

It left big shoes to fill.

blonde tried to sell her old car... She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250 000 miles. One day she told her problem to a friend she worked with. The friend told her,

“OK,” said the friend. “Here’s the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn’t be a problem selling your car.”

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip t...

Ever since I worked on my extreme arrogance, I've become a better person.

Better than all of you together!

One summer, I worked as an assistant to an one-armed typist.

It was shift work.

I used to date a girl who worked at an abattoir.

She was a stunner

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My wife has worked as a magician’s assistant for years now.

I think she has picked up a few tricks.

I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom.

She said, “Abracadabra!” and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.

Poor bastard must have wondered what the fuck was going on.

When I was a kid, my dad worked hard to put food on the table

He was a good waiter

Three women worked in the same office...

Three women worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, the boss left work early.

One day, the women decided that when the boss left they would leave too.

After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

...

I had an uncle who worked circumcising elephants

The pay wasn't great, but the tips were enormous!

I dated a one legged girl who worked at a brewery

She was in charge of the hops

I tried plan a,b,c,d, but none of them worked.

But, plan e might just take off.

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when I worked in a 7-Eleven a woman asked me for chocolate ice cream

Me: sorry, we only have strawberry and vanilla.
Woman: Do you have a pint of chocolate ice cream?
Me: no, we only have strawberry and vanilla.
Woman: do you have a half gallon of chocolate ice cream?
Me: Can you spell the "van" in vanilla
Woman: V A N
Me: Can you spell the "straw" ...

My friend was suicidal and worked at retail

His coworkers found his goodbye note in the break room. They checked the back room but were too late. The price gun, still smoking, and his head, half off

The Dirty Harry line wouldn't have worked in the flintlock era

"Did he fire one shot or only zero?"

I forgot how my boomerang worked so I just threw it

And then it hit me...

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Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory.......

......for many years, he had a powerful, almost uncontrollable desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he finally sought professional help from the factory psychologist.

After six months of intense therapy, however, the frustrated therapist gave...

It worked!

Brb, testing out my new time machine.

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