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Tonic Jokes

A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.

Schwepped her off her feet.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a gin and tonic from the bartender...

The bartender places an apple in front of him. "This isn't a gin and tonic!" the man says angrily. The bartender says "oh but it is. This is a magic apple. Just take a bite."

The guy takes a bite. "That tastes just like gin!" The bartender grins and says "turn it around..." the guy does so an...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

A bear walks in to a bar and says, “I’ll have a gin and..........tonic.” The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?” The bear looks down for a second and says, “I don’t know,

I guess I was just born this way.”

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A guy walks into a bar...

... and asks the bartender for a Jack and Coke. The bartender hands him an apple. The man, looking confused, asks, "What's this?" The bartender replies, "Take a bite out of the apple." The man does and surprised, he says, "Wow, this tastes like Jack Daniels!" The bartender says, "Now turn it around....

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A man walks in to a bar and orders a gin and tonic

The bartender grabs an apple from underneath the counter and hands it to the man. The man looks at the apple confused, but the bartender encourages him to take a bite and so he does.

"Amazing, this apple tastes exactly like gin", says the man. "Taste the other side" the bartender says and to ...

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A man walks into a bar...

...he approaches the barman and asks for a whiskey and coke.

"Take this apple."

"I don't want an apple. I want a JD and coke."

"Trust me, try the apple."

The man takes a bite, and exclaims "Christ! This tastes like Jack Daniels!"

"Yup. Turn it around."

"Wow!...

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A man walk's into a bar the barman says "What can i get for you pal?"

The man replies " I'll have a rum and coke" the barman gives the man an apple. The man says "No i asked for a rum and coke the barman tells him to trust him and try the apple. The man bites into and says " Oh my god this is apple is amazing its taste's like Rum" the barman says "Turn it around" the ...

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A kitten walks into a bar and yells to the bartender "I'm an alcoholic! I'm going to get black out drunk! So get me a double whiskey and tonic!"

The bartender warns, "I've told you before I can't serve you that!"

The kitten replies, "Don't be a pussy!"

The bartender slides him a drink. The kitten slams it down and passes out.

A patron asks the bartender, "Did you really give a kitten a whiskey and tonic?"

The bart...

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A gorilla walks into a bar

He sits down on a bar stool and orders himself a gin-tonic. The bartender looks on in total surprise and gives him a gin-tonic. The gorilla drinks his glass completely empty and asks how much to pay. The bartender, still amazed, curious about what will happen next asks him for $20. The gorilla grope...

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No Bears in the Bars of Banff

A bear walks in to a bar and says to the bartender:
“rrrrrrrr I’ll have a gin………. and tonic.”

The bartender says:
“Sorry we don’t serve bears in the bars of Banff”

So the bear roars and walks out.

The next day the bear walks into the bar and says:
“Rrrrrrrrr I’ll have...

A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive...

After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.

It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay.

“It doesn't matter,” answers the doctor.

“Look, I was having a gin ...

A dermatologist walks into a bar and orders a vodka tonic.

A dermatologist walks into a bar and orders a vodka tonic. He notices that the bartender has a patch of red scaly skin on his arm. "Say," the dermatologist comments, "you should really have that spot looked at." The bartender replies, "That seems like a rash statement."

A man walks into a bar and orders a gin and tonic

Out of nowhere a monkey comes by and takes the lime, eats it, and downs the rest of the drink.

Shocked the man sits in stunned silence as he watches the monkey eat some cherries, lemons and oranges out of the garnish tray behind the bar.

The man stands up and yells to get the barten...

A truck full of hair restorer tonic overturned and spilled on the freeway today

Police are combing the area

A gorilla goes into a bar and asks for a gin and tonic.....

....the barman says “that’ll $25 please and I must say we don’t get many gorillas in here”
“With prices like that I’m not surprised” responds the Gorilla.

A drunk stumbles into a library and says: "I'll take a double gin and tonic!"

The librarian leans forward with a severe whisper: "You are in a library!"

The drunk, all manners and apologetic leans over the counter and whispers slow: "I'll take a double gin and tonic."

What do you call tonic water with THC in it?

Chronic water.

What do you call a cynical person who’s drunk on gin and tonic?

Sartonic

What does the band Toto say when it orders a gin tonic?

Hold the lime!

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[Long] So a man walks into a bar ...

So a man walks into a bar and asks the bartender - "What sort of specials do you have today?" - "Well, Sir, today I have an apple for every flavor." Interested, the man asks "Do you have one that tastes like Jack and Coke?" - "Of course!" Chimes the bartender, handing the man an apple. The man takes...

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A man walks into a bar...

... and says to the bartender “I’ll take a whiskey coke please.”

The bartender says “no worries I have just the thing.” And sets an apple on the counter.

The man, baffled, asks “what the hell is this, I wanted a whiskey coke.” 

The bartender says “take a bite.”

The man ta...

Anybody wanna be in a platonic relationship?

I'm asking for a friend.

A political party promising free beer are currently third in the polls in Austria...

A tonic wine party was tried in Scotland, but people thought it was a con, with the organisers just trying to make a Buckfast

As the owner of a start up gin distillery I've been trying to break into the Asian market.

Unfortunately though the Thai tonic mixes very poorly with ice.

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.

The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.

An elderly doctor and a Baptist minister were seated next to each other on a plane

The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.

When the charming air hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic ...

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...and the bartender hands him an apple

So I was sitting at the bar one day, and I say to the bartender

"Hey barkeep, can I get a rum and coke?"

"Sure thing! Just give me one second!"

The bartender grabs the rum, he grabs the coke, and puts an apple on the bar

"Hey what the hell is this"

"Take a bite"...

A man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder.

He goes up to the barman and says 'I'll have a pint please and a gin and tonic for Tiny here' The barman starts making the drinks and asks 'Why do you call him Tiny?' The guy says 'Because he's my newt'

what kind of drink does the genie bartender serve?

a djinn and tonic

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A guy in full medieval armor walks into a bar

He sits down at the counter and asks the bartender for a gin and tonic.

The bartender preps the drink, but the armored man is visibly dissatisfied with the drink.

"Barkeep? Wouldst thou kindly rehome this drink in a larger glass?"

The bartender does so.

"Verily, I tha...

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[NSFW] [Long] A man walks into a bar and...

The bartender asks his posion.

"I'd like a rum and coke." So the bartender pulls out an apple. "Excuse me, this is an apple." says the man. "Just trust me," replies the bartender. The man picks the apple up, and taking a bite, exclaims "This tastes just like rum!" "Turn it around," instructed...

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A guitarist goes to a bar

He orders a gin and tonic

then pulls out his guitar and starts playing.

The bartender asks, "diet tonic?"

To which the guitarist replies:

"No, Pentatonic."

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Magic Apples

A man walks into a bar, and upon sitting down is promptly told, "This bar is incredible! The bartender serves apples of any flavor, any one that you can think of!"
"That's incredible, you can't expect me to believe that."
The bartender looks up and says, "It's true, mate. Any flavor."
"Okay...

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The Bartenders Apple

A popular bar in the city gets a new bartender. It’s a busy weekend on his first day on the job.

A regular walks in, says “Give me a jack and coke please.”

The bartender puts an apple on the counter in front of him.

“Are you deaf? I wanted a jack and coke!”

The bartender...

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This guy walks into a bar and orders a rhum and coke

The bartender says I got something similar, here’s an apple

Guy: that’s an apple?! I asked for a rhum and coke

Bartender: just have a bite

Guy: WOW! it tastes like rhum!!!

Bartender: turn it around

Guy turns it around and bites: WOW tastes like coke!! Rhum n coke!...

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Another bar joke

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a gin and tonic.


The bartender reaches under the counter and pulls out an apple and hands it to him.


The guy takes the apple and asks, "What's this, I asked for a gin and tonic".


The bartender replies, "take a bite, you w...

Why was the music theorist drunk?

He put a fifth in his tonic.

A phone has 8 numbers on it's keypad

When you press 1 it plays a D flat, when you press 2 it plays an E flat, 3 an F, 4 a G Flat, 5 an A Flat, 6 a B flat, 7 a C and 8 a D Flat. This is a dial tonic scale.

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[Original joke] [Long] A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and orders a gin and tonic with ice. The bartender nods and prepares the drink. A few moments later, he hands the man a glass of gin and tonic, with no ice. The man notices and points out the mistake to the bartender.

The bartender smiles. "Sorry, I had to remove the ic...

Donald Trump, Boris Johnson and Vladimir Putin go to a bar

Bartender (who is somewhat inexperienced) asks what they want to order.

Putin - "I'll have a V and C."
Bartender - "What's a V and C?"
Putin - "Vodka and Coke."

Johnson - "I'll have a G and T."
Bartender - "What's a G and T?"
Johnson - "Gin and tonic."

Trump - "I'll ...

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A man walks into a bar... (the apple drinks one)

And he orders a Rum & Coke (Cuba Libre), and the bartender hands him an apple. Confused, he restated he wanted a cocktail, but the bartender insisted. He bites into the apple and yells 'holy shit! this tastes like rum!' 'turn the apple', said the bartender. 'Wow, this side tastes like Coke!'...

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Roger is a hard worker and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club.

The doorman at the club spots them and says, “Hey, Roger! How are you tonight?”
His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before.
“No, no. He’s just one of the guys I bowl with.”


They are seated and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says, “Nice to see you, R...

Two strings walk into a bar...

...the bartender says, "What'll it be?". The first string says, "I'll have a gin and tonic#MV*()>SDk+!^ &@P&]JEASegmentation Fault".

The second string says, "You'll have to excuse my friend, he's not null-terminated."

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A bartender is having a quiet night at the bar

A bartender is having a quiet night at the bar when notices a gorilla walking in. The bartender dashes towards the manager’s office in a shocked expression.

“Sir, uh, we have a gorilla in the bar,” says the bartender.

“Well son, go ask what they want,” says the manager.

The bar...

Did You Hear About The Genie...

Did you hear about the genie who lived in a flask of bitter water?


He was a Djinn in tonic.

A man walks into a bar and takes a seat.

"What'll you have?” the bartender asks.

"Gin and tonic,” says the man.

The bartender obliges, and the man sits and enjoys his drink. As he unwinds and watches the football game on TV, he hears the door open. He casually glances behind him to see who's walking in and does a double take ...

Why do jazz musicians drink gin straight?

Because they can never find the tonic.

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At the cocktail party,

A guy who is visibly drunk, stumbles over to the hostess.

"Scuse me, madam, I dare say, do lemons have wings?"

The hostess looks at the man for a moment, says.

"No sir, I do believe not. But what makes you think that?"

The man stares at the hostess for a while, pondering ...

"Do Lemons Whistle?"

A drunk goes up to his host at a party and says with that terrible seriousness of totally plastered adults and very small children, "Excuse Me."

The host turns around and there is the drunk, just plastered and glassy eyed, completely out of it. The host thinking there is something wrong says,...

Gin is the Ionian mode of liquors...

it will always resolve with tonic.

A bear walks into a bar...

A bear walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.

The bartender greets the bear, "Hey there! What can I get for you?"

The bear goes, "Umm, I'll have..."

The bartender checks his watch, waiting patiently for the bear's order.

Finally, the bear answers, "...a gin and to...

Man walks into a bar with a cat under his arm.

He orders a gin for himself and a tonic water for his pet.

"I'll serve your gin, but I won't make him anything", says the barman, pointing at the kitty.

"Why not", asks the man

"I don't want to end up in an unresponsive stupor", the barman replies

"What are you on about...

What's a crusader's favourite drink?

A Teu-tonic.

Three ducks walk into a bar...

The first duck walks up to the bar and the bartender asks "What's your name, what's your drink, and how was your day?" the first duck replies "My name is Bill, I'll have a rye and coke, and I had a GREAT day! I was in and out of puddles all day! Splashing around, gettin' wet, having fun!"
The se...

Big Joe

A guy runs into a bar. "I'll have a vodka tonic, but make it snappy!" he says to the bartender.

The barkeep hands him his drink. The guy throws a twenty down and says, "Keep the change. I gotta get out of here, Big Joe's coming!"

Hearing this, patrons all over the bar frantically get u...

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A French, a British and an american naval engineer brag about their submarines.

All three of them are standing in a harbour, arguing.
The french engineer says:

"Ahh, le french submarine can stay submerged for five weeks and and we do not run out of croissants or red wine, they are magnefique!"

The Brit responds:

"Oh my dear chap, that is nothing. Her ...

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The bartenders apples

Guy walks into a pub, he walks over to the bar and takes a seat. The bartender saunters over and asks him what he'd like. The man orders a rum and coke, and off the bartender goes. He comes back and places an apple on the bar. Confused, the man says "what's this?". "Just take a bite" the bartender s...

I was walking through the city when I passed a large abbey.

I walked past and noticed many nuns walking around inside the open large doors. I headed to a tavern located down the street from the abbey. As I walked in, I was startled to see a woman in religious attire sitting at the counter. I sat next to her and asked her why she was here. She said, "don't te...

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A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a bar

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat, the man says to the bartender "I'll have a pint of lager please"

The ostrich says "and I'll have the same"

The cat then says "Gin & tonic for me, but I'm not paying!"

The bartender looks a bit perplexed but announces ...

A priest begins to wonder if his religion is really the only ‘true’ religion. In his search he finds an Internet forum with like mined faith/spiritual seekers, and quickly befriends a Jewish Rabbi, and a Buddhist monk.

The three debate for months, with no real progression as such, until a post appears from a new user, claiming to be the purest, living descendant of Adam & Eve. He further claims, that to those who truly believe, he will grant the secret to human evolution.
All but the monk immediately dismi...

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The barmaid comes to take their order and the Englishman says "w-w-w-what are you, you, y-ou two h-aving?". The Irishman says "B-Bushmills, m-m-mate" and the Scotsman says "M-M-Mackeson's, th-th-thanks," and the Englishman says to the barmaid, "A-a-a B-ushmills, a, a, a, M-Mackeson's and a, and an, ...

A bear goes into a bar

walks up to the counter and blops down, doesn't say a word and after a while the bartender asks "what'll it be bud?"
The bear looks up from the counter and yes, "I think ill have..." and after 10 seconds goes, "a gin and tonic"
bartender nods and says, " well alright, but whats up with the pau...

I used to work in a pub next to a hospital

and this guy walked in one day with his hospital gown on and holding a drip on a stand that was still connected to his veins. I asked him how I could help? and bizarrely he said can I have 2 pints of lager, 2 pints of Guinness, 4 jack Daniels and coke, 3 gin and tonics, and 6 shots of tequila. It’s ...

Most annoying joke ever

A man dies and is sent to the first level of hell. There he sees two queues. He joins the back of one and asks what the queues are for. He is told one is for a glass of wine and the queue he joined for a leg of lamb. After a millennia he gets to the front and eats his lamb. Once finished a door open...

A man goes to a party with his friend where you can serve your own drinks by using the drink dispensers,

He is having fun, enjoying the night but he becomes more and more parched as the night goes on.

He decides to get a drink from one of the many drink dispensers available. He wanders around for a bit until deciding on a gin, then would go and add some tonic to it. As he’s waiting in line he lo...

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Smithers' Story

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said,

"You mu...

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A golfer is absolutely killing it out on the course. (Long)

He’s playing at one of those residential courses surrounded by beautiful homes.

He nails the drive on the 6th hole. He’s so excited and proud of himself that he guns his golf cart full speed ahead to get to the putting green.

He’s going so fast that he misreads a curve and ends up topp...

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In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy...

In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy. During his time there, he was in charge of a covert operation to spy on a Russian military installation which was directly next to a small lake.

He was in charge of a small team of highly trained soldiers, a few locals recruited to help with the op...

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Two Scotsmen go to Hell

[I know this joke has been shared a few times before but I thought I would share my Scottish cultural adaptation of it]

A demon approaches the devil and says "Dark lord! Two men from Glasgow in Scotland have been sent here. What should be done with them?"

The devil says "Glaswegians? T...

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Piano Player Wanted

So a guy sees a sign in a lounge window that says, "Piano Player Wanted" He goes in and secures an audition. He sits at the piano with the manager sitting nearby and proceeds to play an absolutely beautiful song.

The manager is overwhelmed and says, "Wow! That was wonderful. What song is tha...

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Estelle and Murray's 47th wedding anniversary was coming up,

and Estelle wanted to make it extra special for Murray.

"Murray", she said, "You never do anything fun for yourself."

"What do you mean, Estelle? I go bowling all the time."

"That's still so boring though. I want to spice things up for you. You deserve it. We've been together al...

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A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

The Cheerio Joke

Oh boy do i have a joke for you...
Its called the cheerio joke.
-------------------------------------
So there is this land called cheerio land and in cheerio land there are 7 classes of cheerio, 0-5 and the frosted cheerios. Now there is this level 0 cheerio. Hes homeless, living out...

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