UPJOKE
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A Soviet telegraph station.

An old Jew comes in and sends the message "Doctor says cut cut".

An hour passes, he gets back the message "Doctor says cut cut".

The people there assumed it must be some kind of code, so they alerted the proper authorities. The Jew is brought to the KGB, they asks him what it means....

Dog walks into a telegraph office...

Says he wants to send a message.

"Sure" says the clerk, "what's the message?"

"Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof."

Clerk says, "OK, but for the same price, there's enough room for one more 'woof'".

Dog wrinkles his brow and replies, "But that wouldn't make...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to anothe...

Two men were washed ashore during WWI.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded withi...

Telegraph

A dog walks into a telegraph office, puts $1 on the counter and says:
"Woof woof woof, woof woof, woof woof woof woof"

The operator says to the dog "Its $1 for 10 words, shall I put another woof on there?"

The dog then says "But then that wouldn't make any sense!"

A redhead goes to buy a bull

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one ...

A dog walks into a telegraph office

It is a quiet Friday noon in New York and a young telegrapher is minding his business when the bell on the door suddenly chimes and a dog walks in.

The telegrapher looks perplexed as the dog hands him a piece of paper and says in perfect English: “Hello sir. I would like to send that to my f...

A dog goes into a telegraph office

A dog goes into a telegraph office, takes a blank form, and writes: “Woof Woof. Woof Woof. Woof Woof. Woof Woof, Woof.”

The clerk examines the paper and politely tells the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

The dog looks confused ...

How did Vikings communicate over telegraph?

Norse Code

Telegraph Operators once complained to Morse how some of his codes were confusing and needs to be revised.

But he had no remorse.

What did the telegraph operator say to kids pranking him?

This is used for work, stop.

This is not a game, stop.

So, a dog walks into a telegraph office...

...he tells the telegraph operator that he'd like to send a telegram that says, "Woof, woof, woof...woof, woof, woof, woof." The operator says, "I noticed you have 9 words. You can include a 10th "Woof" at no extra charge. And, the dog looks at him and says, "Why? That wouldn't make any sense."

In 1862, Australia implemented a telegraph system that stretched from south Australia to Indonesia and beyond. Effectively becoming Australia’s first internet.

And the speed of communication hasn’t changed since.

What are the three fastest forms of communication?

Telephone, telegraph, tell a woman.

The telegraph must be the most heartless invention...

...because Samuel had no remorse.

King Charles has authorised a new Royal Ceremony that the Guards regiments will perform anytime that Prince Harry is in the country.

It will be called "The Changing of the Locks"



(with thanks to Matt, of the Daily Telegraph)

Paddy and Murphy were walking back from the pub together when they saw a job flyer posted on telegraph pole. It read “Tree-Fellers Wanted”

Paddy turned to Murphy and said “it’s a shame Seamus isn’t here, we’d be perfect for that job”

What does a telegraph operator feel when he has to send the same message again?

Remorse.

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There's a telegraph pole on which birds tend to sit and defecate

It's a shitty post.

A joke I adore despite it being completely telegraphed.

My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men STOP So I told her to sit down and shut up STOP Guess what... She couldn't do either STOP

An American a Russian and an Indian meet in a Bar.

They start boasting about their countries.

The American said "We dug deep and found thick wires. So we had a telegraph system in the past too!"

The Russian said " That's nothing. We dug deep and found thin wires. That means we already had phones in the past!"

Then the Indian say...

The farmer and his wife needed a new bull...

There was a man who lived on a farm with his wife in the middle of nowhere. All they owned was a truck, a few cows, and an old bull. They didn't have much, but they were happy.

One day, the farmer woke up and found that the bull had died. He went to his wife and said, "I take our money into ...

My mother was scared for me when I joined the navy.

It makes sense, my father was a telegraph operator in the navy and he got lost at C.

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon. I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony ...

A brunette and her blonde sister live in the rural Southwest US, having inherited their family ranch.

The Great Depression hit them hard, and they only have $600 left.



Fearing that their ranch would be repossessed, the brunette goes to buy a bull so they can breed their own stock. She tells her sister "I'll come and contact you when I make the purchase", and promptly departs.

<...

I know a telegraph operator who was so bad he always had to send his messages again.

He had a lot of remorse about that.

Buying a bull

Two sisters owned a cow farm. One brunette, and one blond. They both agreed that they needed a bull but only had 600 dollars. The brunette found a bull online, and traveled 3 states over to look at the bull. The farmer said he would take no less then 599 dollars for the bull. With 1 dollar left, she...

Ketchup telegram

During the early 1900s the Heinz ketchup company was struggling to meet the increased demand for their product. They had invested heavily in factories and infrastructure but nothing seemed to increase their output of ketchup.

The CEO decides to hire an investigator from Germany who is well kn...

There were two sisters...

Once upon a time, in the wild, wild West there were two sisters, Jill and Susie. A relative of theirs dies and leaves the two sisters a ranch. The ranch was run down and they had little else to their name besides the ranch so they thought they'd invest what they had left into a stud bull to mate ...

Two teenage girls and their dad live in a small village

A blonde, younger girl and an older brunette It's a poor family, with nothing but a telegraph machine and a $100. One day the dad dies, leaving the two girls alone. The older girl decides to step up and try to solve at least one of the problems that they were facing: hunger. So she decides to go in...

telegram

A dog walked into a Western Union station, took a slip of paper off the teller's window, and proceeded to write out a telegram that said, "bow wow, bow wow, bow wow, bow wow." He handed the paper to the telegraph clerk, who read it and said, "You've written an eight word telegram here. Did you rea...

Paddy the irishman gets a job

Paddy and his friend were hired to install telegraph poles.
After his first day his boss approaches and asks how many poles he put down yesterday.
paddy says "2"
"2!!" says his boss, "My other guys can put 10-15 poles in a day"
"yes, but do you see how far theirs are sticking out...

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[Long] Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit their family's ranch.

In order to stay out of bankruptcy, they need to buy a bull to replace one who recently died. So the brunette goes online and finds a bull for sale in the city stockyards, about three hours away. The price of the bull is listed as $5,000.

Sadly, their inheritance wasn't much beyond the ranch,...

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A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

Slow wife

A village man decided to walk 5 miles to town for some supplies. While there, he saw a bull for sale. It was a grand bull and decided to buy it. After making the purchase, he realized he would need his wife to come help him bring the bull back home. At the time, the only way to communicate to an...

These two sisters, one blonde and one brunette...

...own a ranch and have a bunch of cows but they don't have a bull. They see an ad in a local paper that a farmer a few towns over is selling a bull. The brunette decides that she'll go check it out and tells the blonde, "I'll send word to you to bring the trailer to pick up the bull if the farmer s...

An Italian, an Egyptian and a Greek...

...were fighting over whose ancestors had the most advanced civilization.

The Romans were the most advanced said the Italian. And I'm going to prove it to you. Here's a photograph
from a recent excavation site under the Colloseum. What do you see?

The Egyptian and the Greek after st...

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