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System Jokes

Why won't Americans switch to the metric system?

They have a foot fetish

Why will the American people never convert to the metric system?

Because they'll never accept a foreign ruler.

Why haven't aliens visited our solar system?

They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.

The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd.

They've left those kids a loan.

EDIT: Woke up to find THIS :O

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I'm sexually attracted to metal boxes with locking systems.

But don't worry. It's safe sex.

When I was young, I thought rich people owned Bose music systems and the rest of us had Sony products.

Turns out those were just stereotypes.

The American school system is very disorganised and poorly run

I guess school really does prepare you for the real world

What kind of operating system do russians use?

Almost any OS, but they're afraid of windows...

I like my girls like my file system...

FAT and 16.

What is Mexico's favourite operating system?

TacOS

It’s surprising that Jules and Vince spend so much time talking about the metric system at the beginning of Pulp Fiction

Quentin Tarantino usually only does feet

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The sex system

A married couple wanted it to be less embarrassing to ask each other for sex when one or the other does not want to do it. So they worked out a system. The wife says "Ok if you wanna have sex reach over and tug my breast one time, if you don't, tug two times." The husband says "Ok then, same for me,...

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The library building based on the Dewey Decimal System

My town's new library has its floors organized according to the Dewey Decimal System. Books with a code from 001 to 099 are in the basement, and books with a code from 900 to 999 are on the top floor, for example. Books with a code from 100 to 199 are on the street-level floor by the main entrance. ...

The history and reasons why France switched to the metric system is very interesting

But to make a long story short, it was Napoleon.

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How is a system update similar to cumming?

If you don't do them for a while, both just happen when you sleep.

I'm making a documentary about the American education system.

Shooting starts soon.

I think Saturn's name is the best in our solar system

It has a nice ring to it

What’s is a Frenchman’s favorite operating system?

Microissant

Control system theory joke

As Polish airline is flying into New York City, the captain announces over the address system, “for those of you on the right side of the aircraft, you can see the Statue of Liberty out your window.“

Immediately everyone in the seats on the left crowded into the right side, leaning over the o...

Which sound system technology do the Malfoys use?

Dobby Atmos

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My eleven year old still doesn't know how to add, thanks to this shitty education system.

Seriously, who thought letting me homeschool him his whole life was a good idea?

Did you know that every planet in our solar system is named after a god?

Except Earth...which is named after all that stuff on the ground.

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What did God say after creating the first digestive system?

Shit just got real.

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I think it's about time I upgraded my car's navigation system.

I couldn't use it last night, as the fucking stars weren't out.

I’m pitching a show about magical arts in the legal system

Subpoena the Teenage Witch

Why did the alien refuse to attend the solar system's party?

He heard it had no atmosphere!

Why won't the US change over to the Metric system?

Because we'd rather die on our feet than live on your 30.48 centimeters.

What do you call a dog that provides the bass for speaker systems?

A subwoofer

My home stereo system recently got elected as a member of the house of representatives

They're now the speaker of the house

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What would be the first thing communists do if they ruled the solar system?

Rename Uranus to Ouranus

What's an ambulance driver's favorite gaming system?

Wii U.

What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?

Personally I’ve got a Yamaha surround sound system.

What kind of game system does a cat play?

Ps ps ps ps ps

I just finished a book in braille that said communism was the best political system

I mean it didn’t say it directly, but I could feel between the lines.

Which Star wars character was born in the Boolean System?

Not Andor

I saw God write a review about our solar system a while ago

he didn’t explain why he gave it a one star tho

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What does a brothel and the American school system have in common?

The workers are under paid, the building probably isn’t up to code and you’re likely to leave thoroughly fucked.

To all of you who say I'm "obsessed with the metric system"

Don't judge me until you've walked 1609 metres in my shoes.

Even in the metric system you serve tea in tea cups, and not in

tea liters.



Why do astronauts prefer the Linux operating system.

Because you can't open Window's in space.

I'm making a killing selling home security systems...

All I do is say "Hello" at 3am, sitting on the end of their bed.

I'm Designing a New Strategic Weapons System

It flies over enemy territory expelling thousands of tonnes of excrement.

I call it the Incontinent Ballistic Missile...

1 person in every 10 doesn't understand the binary number system.

The other guy is fine with it.

What do you call a simian that lives inside a ventilation system?

Duct-ape

Why don’t they build nervous systems on robots?

They would rather give the robot a confident system.

We Americans know how to embrace the metric system

I'm an American. When I was a kid, my Dad told me, "The metric system is gonna be big. Support it and use it - the whole nine yards - every inch of the way."

Tom Brady asked me if I could help him after his house’s air conditioning system broke.

I declined because I’m not a big fan.

For all the control system people, why did a plane travelling to Poland crash?

Because the Poles were on the right hand side

It was very difficult to switch off my wife's life support system.

You try fighting off 2 nurses, a doctor and my sons.

How do American school kids learn the metric system?

9 millimeters at a time

How do System of a Down stop their vocalist being electrocuted on stage?

A Serj Protector

There are only 2 things missing in Indian Education System:

(1) Education.
(2) System.

Studies have shown that American youth has already started using the metric system

Nowadays you can even find students from various schools in America using 9mm

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Uranus is the coldest place in the solar system

So it’s safe to say the sun don’t shine there.

Apparently scientists are now investigating an anomaly in the European date system

They're working on it 24/7

What's your favorite numbering system?

I, for one, like Roman Numerals.

Singapore’s education system be like

Memo to all students : In order to assure the highest levels
of quality work and productivity from students, it will be
our policy to keep all students well taught through our
program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.). We are
trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any...

how do people improve the railway system?

With a training.

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My wife and I recently agreed to a Hall Pass system, but she made such a stupid choice.

I told her that the two women I picked were Scarlett Johansson and Gal Gadot.

But instead of celebrity hunks, my wife went with the 2 guys who cut our grass.

I learnt a lot about the circulatory system today. After a lot of work, I memorised everything.

Guess you could say I know it by heart

Yo mama joke I thought of it

Yo mama is so fat and old that she’s still eating from the last supper.





Edit : Jesus Christ this blew up. Didn’t know so many of you had to release yo mamas from your system.

My neighbor sells home security systems door to door. He's pretty good at it too.

If nobody's home he just leaves a brochure on the kitchen table.

Who the heck cares about learning the Roman Numeral system?

I for one...

I installed a new home alarm system I've never felt safer

I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.


I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.


The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service...

Why won't the U.S. switch to the metric system?

There would be mass confusion

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim. After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see" Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command.

Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."

So Jim asks, "Well, ...

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3 operating systems walk into a bar

The first says "I'm Windows. The most popular, everyone likes me and I don't mess about. I'll have a pint of lager."

The second says "I'm Mac OS. I'm the favourite of artists and hipsters, and I could never settle for a boring lager like Windows. Give me your hoppiest artisanal IPA!"

T...

What do libertarians and house cats have in common?

They both act like they are independent and self sufficient but in reality are utterly dependent on a system they can neither appreciate nor understand.

The Greek Legal System

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Greece, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also ...

What’s the solar system’s favorite type of egg scramble?

Sunny-Side up…

I couldn’t resist

How does a solar system throw a party?

They planet.

In Hogwarts Legacy what do you call your character sorted into Ravenclaw while omitting the use of fast travel systems?

Stairy Potter

My immune system is racist

Every time it finds a foreign body it tries to eliminate it.

British people like to make fun of Americans for not using the metric system.

But I’ve never heard of a single British person walking into a pub and ordering a half liter…

What's the difference between a good sound system and farming for upvotes?

One is a Harman Kardon and the other is a karma hard-on.

Did anyone get a U2. Satellite Navigation System for Christmas?

I am returning my one, The Streets have no name.

And I still haven't found what I am looking for.

How will the Judicial System improve?

By Trial and error.

Three engineers are arguing what type of engineer God is

The first says, "God is a mechanical engineer. Look at how we manipulate our arms, legs, lungs, and how blood flows through our bodies. God is a mechanical engineer."

The second says, "No. God is an electrical engineer. Our nervous system, heart, brain. Everything is run by electrical impulse...

Youtube is introducing a new system of recommending youtube videos

The old system seemed to be biased towards videos of old presidential candidates playing beat and tempo games, so they finally decided to retire the al-gore-rhythm

It tells you something about a school system

When grown up people need days to count some paper slips.

What’s the metric system’s favorite game?

Follow the liter

What video game system do police officers play in their cars?

Wii U, Wii U, Wii U...

America hasn’t fully adopted the metric system yet…

… but believe me, we’re slowly inching towards it.

My alarm system kept breaking down

The alarm system kept breaking down so, instead of repairing it I decided to get a guard dog instead.

I went to the pet store and the shopkeeper showed me a lot of breeds to choose from. A Rottweiler, a German Shepherd, A Doberman, but there was this one tiny little pug that caught my eye. I...

Why do astronauts use apple computing systems in space?

Because they can't open windows

My online gf is teaching me the metric system on our first real date…

I can’t wait to metre

I was learning about the gastrointestinal system...

It was a lot to digest.

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools.

Hawaii IS the early warning system.

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There is a new toilet system being trialled.

It has a built in Internet connection.

It will automatically post your shit on Facebook, Twitter and TikTok.

What’s Darth Vader favourite measurement system?

The Imperial System

China Two Party System

Taiwan and China

Signed, Hong Kong

I saw a used Bose stereo system on sale for for 15$

I asked the guy why it was so cheap and he told me it was a great deal, but the volume is stuck on max.

I thought "well, I can't turn that down".

Communism is a System That Looks Pretty Great on Paper.

Unless of course, that paper makes up the pages of a History book.

What operating system did the ancient Egyptian Pharaohs use?

Ubuntutankhamun

What's the difference between a democratic system and a feudal system?

In one your vote counts, in the other, your count votes.

It's not graverobbing! It's a system of mining grave yards to determine the validity of transactions.

It's a new way of thinking of money! I call it crypt-o-currency.

In French we don't say 'ninety nine'...

..instead we say 'quatre-vingt dix neuf' which translates as 'we don't have a functional numerical system'

My friend can’t decide what video game system to get for Christmas ...

... Nobody can console him.

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Your penis is so small..

That when you put it in a girl her immune system tries to fight it.

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TIL Hell is just Heaven’s Sewer System

Holy Shit!

Why did the waiter's computer system not work?

Because of a server error.

The American school system is a lot like an EA game...

It's mostly broken and if you pay more money you can access things that make you have an advantage over everyone else.

What was the Soviet Union's favorite videogame system?

The Nintendo We

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Irony of Indian law system

I have two questions for the lawmakers of our country:

1. If the legal age of a Man to get Sexually active is 18 years and the legal age for him to get married is 21... then what are we actually suggesting he should do these 3 years?

2. Now if the legal age for a Man to get married is ...

I didn't realize how bad of a driver I was until my navigation system said:

“IN 400 FEET, DO A SLIGHT RIGHT, STOP, AND LET ME OUT."

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Joke about Silicon Integraded Systems (super dark) (not funny)

"*if i was in a room, with a pistol with 2 bullets, and in this room there were, Hitler, Stalin and a SIS Integrated GPU, i woud shoot the SIS card 2 times*"

Which operating system does Varys run his spy network on?

Unix; it was decided for him.

Why couldn't the system programmer breathe?

He refused to open windows.

Why Republican politicians have a better system than Democrat politicians do.

Democrat politicians bribe their supporters, but Republican supporters bribe their politicians!

I asked my German friend how many planets in our Solar System

Surprisingly he said "Nine"

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