Stool Jokes - 98 Hilarious Stool Jokes

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something, our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde, Im a 6’ tall, 200lb black belt, the guy sitting next to me is 6’2”, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player, the fella on your right is 6’5” pushing 300 and...

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I go to the doctor and he asks for a stool sample.

I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time and kicks me out of his office. I go home still not knowing why I'm shitting furniture. My nightmare continues.

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A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows: Hamburger - 2.99 Cheeseburger - 3.99 Chicken Sandwich - 4.99 Hand Jobs - 19.99 The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties.

She smiles at the biker coyly, and he ...

Why does a milking stool only have three legs?

Because the cow has the udder.

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A man sees a pirate sitting a few bar stools down from him...

... the pirate has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch like a steroetypical pirate. The man is super curious but he simply nods hello and turns back to his beer. After another pint he summons the courage to turn and ask, "If you don't mind me asking, how did you get the wooden leg?"...

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.....

...in a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

* The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
* The bouncer is a blonde girl.
* I'm a 6...

A man takes a stool at the bar and orders a drink. Then he asks the man to the right of him…

“How tall is a Penguin, this tall?”

“No, they’re much shorter than that”, he answers.

He looks to the man at his left- “How tall is a penguin, this tall?”

“Nowhere near that tall!”, says the other man.

The man puts his head in his hands.

The bartender, witnessing ...

Being the gentleman I am. I asked my date on the way to the table if I could push her stool in.

She said to wait and let’s see how dinner goes first.

A man finds out his wife is cheating on him...

So he walks into a bar.

The bartender asks "Why are you looking so blue?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is cheating on me. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death. I'll have some whiskey please."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry, but I can't he...

What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?

The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.

An Irish Man Walks Into A Bar...

...and stumbles to the bartender. “Barkeep, Oi’ll have a point”, he slurs.

The bartender looks him over critically. “A pint? Sorry sir, but I can’t serve you. You’re clearly too drunk.”

The Irish man scrunches his eyebrows, peers at the barkeep, turns around and trips out the front doo...

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My doctor asked if I was OK with giving a stool sample

I said I dont give a shit

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

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My doctor asked for a stool sample....

...and got mad at me when I handed him a tiny chair. Now I'm banned from the doctors office and still don't know why I'm pooping out furniture.

A guy walks into a bar and grabs a stool.

Before he can order a drink, the bowl of pretzels on the bar in front of him says, “Hey, you’re a handsome fellow.”

The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels and orders a drink from the bartender.

The bowl of pretzels tries to get the man’s attention again by saying, “Ooh, a pilsne...

Nurse: "We need a stool sample and a urine sample."

Nurse: "We need a stool sample and a urine sample."

Man to wife: "What did she say?"

Wife to husband: "They want your underwear."

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Went to get stool sample test. It was expensive...

...cost me a buttload.

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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

A guy sits down on a stool and asks the bartender for a Rittenhouse

The bartender smiles and hands him a chaser and 4 shots.

[Request] Self deprecating joke about height for wedding

Long story short, I am officiating a wedding between the 2 tallest and most stunning friends I have. I am about 5'9 VS his 6'4 I would like to make some jab about them not being able to get anyone taller or when they asked me i immediately started thinking about how tall of a stool I would need to f...

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Headaches.

A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear. He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."

The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"

"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was m...

Jesus walks into a bar...

Jesus and the apostles walk into a bar.

He takes a stool by the bar and orders, "13 glasses of water please" while winking at his group.

Another 90 year old man goes to the docs, the doctor says " I'll need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a blood sample."

The old guy says, "Take my pants."

Why do cow-milking stools only have three legs?

The cow’s got the udder.

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A bear goes into a bar

he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him.
he then calmly orders a beer

bartender: "sorry, we don't serve drug users in here"
bear: "but I don't do drugs"
bartender: "what about that barbitchyouate"

What’s brown and smelly and sits on a piano stool?

Beethoven’s last movement

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Paddy had been drinking

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's football victory. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy"
Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on me way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He fa...

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A man walks into a bar carrying a plastic bag

The Bartender asks, "What's in the bag?" The guy doesn't reply. Instead, reaches into the bag and pulls out a lamp, a tiny stool, a tiny piano, and a tiny man in a tuxedo that appears to only be a foot tall. The guy sets the piano down in front of the stool, and the tiny man sits on it and starts pl...

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The local furniture store sells stools

I checked out one of their samples and I was unimpressed. It looked like a piece of shit.

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I wasn't getting enough fiber in my diet until recently, so my stool was very loose.

Now I've got my shit together.

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NSFW: A cowboy, hard on his luck, walks into a bar and sits down at a stool.

He orders himself a shot, and the bartender passes one down. The cowboy looks behind the bartender and sees a big glass suitcase full of money and asks, "Hey, bartender! What's that big glass suitcase full of money right there?"

"Hell, that's for anybody that can do 3 things for me."

"...

The bartender yelled at me when I left my stool at the bar.

"Why did you even bring this in here?!?" he cried.

Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle h...

Albert Einstein walks into a bar

He sits down and the bartender asks what he wants. He says "2 beers, one for me and one for the stool next to me".

The bartender pours 2 beers and asks, "are you waiting for someone?"

Albert says "No, but there is a chance that quantum fluctuations could align themselves ...

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Everyone talks about their stepladder. I grew up with a step stool. Never knew my real stool...

But that's okay, everyone tells me he was a piece of crap.

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A hippie sits down at a bar...

So a hippie sits down at a bar and tries to order a beer on a tab, but the bartender wants money up front which the hippie doesn't have. So the guy next to him offers to buy him a beer. They start talking and drinking and drinking and talking. After a while the guy says to the hippie, "come with me ...

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A female fly is minding her own business…

A female fly is sitting on a piece of shit, minding her own business. A male fly comes along and asks “excuse me Miss, is this stool taken?”

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I admire people who analyze stool samples

They really know their shit.

I have a step-stool because I never knew my real stool

A Guy Walks Into A Bar With An Octopus Under His Arm

He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces:
"This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."

 

None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took ...

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and he is completely parched. He sits at the bar, pats his pockets and realises he's left his wallet at home. He calls to the bartender,

"Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer...

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I asked my wife to get us some nice stools.

But the ones she picked up were shit.

It's closing time at the local pub. As the bartender is putting stools up, a filthy ragged homeless man walks in...

"No free booze!" says the bartender.

"No, all I want is one toothpick." says the homeless man.

The bartender gives him the toothpick and away he goes.

No sooner has the homeless man left, another one shows up.

"What do YOU want?" asks the bartender mopping the floor. ...

A mushroom walks into a bar and sidles up to a stool.

Bartender: “You’ll need to leave. We don’t serve your kind here.”

Mushroom: “Why not? I’m a . . . fun-gi.”

Man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.

Man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.

The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be, buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles."

The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, an...

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I fell off a bar stool back in Vietnam

All I got was a Purple Butt.

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I just patented my new combination aphrodisiac and stool softener!

SexLax: "Easy come, easy go!"

Wow! A sort-by-new gold! I'm honoured!

My rear end was sore from sitting on the bar stools at my local pub.

So, I've been taking stool softener, but those stools still seem just as hard to me.

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A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks.

He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “What’s the camel for?”

The Sergeant replied “Well sir it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel.”

The captain said “Well if it’s good for moral, then I guess it’s all rig...

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My stomach hurts, but if it's guilt or impacted stool, I can't tell.

Either way, I'm so full of shit.

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A Russian communist is lying on his deathbed

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Commu...

I went to see my doctor, he asked for a stool sample..

So i decided to take carpentry classes.

A drunk man is sitting on a bar stool.

He leans over and asks the guy on his left, “did you shpill your drink on me?” The guy says “no I did not.” He then leans over and asks the guy on his right, “did you shpill your drink on me?” “No, I certainly did not.”

“Then I guess it must have been an inside job.”

A man at the bar realizes it's getting late and pays his tab to go home

As he tries to get off the stool, he immediately falls flat on his face. "Uh oh, I must have drunk more than I thought," he thinks.

He manages to drag himself over to the front door and pull himself upright, but as soon as he takes a step outside, he falls on his face again.
"Hoo boy, I r...

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What'd the stool say to the turd upon receiving a phone call?

Excuse me, butt duty calls.

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A man walks into a bar and finds an octopus sitting on a stool...

The bartender tells the man "This octopus is really special. You can give it any instrument and it will play it better than any human ever has."

So the guy needs to test this out. Luckily the bar keeps some instruments on hand for just that purpose. The man grabs a guitar and brings it to the...

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A shy cowboy goes into a bar

*this is an old one but I'll give it a try*
...so he sees a nice looking cowgirl sitting on a bar stool. He doesn't know how to approach her so he just takes a seat somewhere else. After a while he gets an idea. He gets up, pulls out his gun, and shoots and kills everyone in the room, but her. He...

There was a man on a stool with a rope around his neck. He said he'll kill himself if i didnt give him a high-five.

Of course i left him hanging.

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The pathology lab was robbed last night. The stool samples were gone!

The supervisor couldn't believe it. He lost his shit.

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Why do stools break easily?

Because they're crap.

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A Koala is sitting in a bar...

A Koala is sitting in a bar enjoying his drink when a beautiful woman approaches him. She starts flirting and they chat for a few minutes before the woman looks at the Koala and says

"hey, you wanna get outta here?"

"Sure!" the Koala replied as he jumped off the stool and took her ha...

I couldn't decide whether to use a chair or step stool to reach the top shelf...

I went with the ladder.

The doctor says to the old man "I'll need to check your blood, urine, and stool.

The old man who is virtually deaf, turns to his wife and shouts "WHAT'D HE SAY?". His wife says "the doctor said he wants to see your underwear".

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I met a guy who's a carpenter, he told me he makes stools.

'Me too' I says 'but they're all shit'

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One of my patients forgot their stool sample today

I guess some people just don’t give a shit

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Having a bad day at work…

An associate goes to the bar in the top floor of his high rise office building and orders a drink. The place is empty except for the bartender and a lone man at the other end of bar. While staring into his drink, he can’t help but notice the other guy pound 4 shots.
“Must’ve had a worse day than...

You can only borrow one tool at a time, either a mold or a step stool.

Will you choose the former or the latter?

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The Octopus

*A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.*

*He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, so he says that he will wager $50 to anyone wh...

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Farmer Bill goes into a bar and is greeted by the bartender.

Joe: "Hey bill, what’s up? You look awful"

Bill: "Oh it's really bad. I don't wanna talk about it."

Joe: "Come on. You know you can tell me anything."

Bill: "No, there are things you just CAN'T explain."

Bill talks a little more to Joe and after two beer he finally ...

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My girlfriend told me my stool would improve when I started taking probitoics

But it's still shit

How do you get 4 hookers to sit on a stool?

You turn it upside down.

If your life is awful, get a rope and a stool

...and find the next tree. Throw the rope over a branch and attach the stool to the rope.

Now you've got a swing.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

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A man walks into a pub and sits on a stool at the bar.

The bartender asks him, "Would you like a drink?"

The man says, "Thank you, I'll have a scotch and soda."

The bartender serves the man his drink and says, "That'll be four-fifty."

The man looked surprised. "Four-fifty what?"

"Four dollars and fifty cents. That's the pr...

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes.

He is obviously drunk.

So the bartender says to another man in the bar, "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times.

They drive along and the drunk points out his ...

I can't decide whether to get this broom or large stepping stool.

I think I'm going to have to go with the ladder.

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A man walks into a bar and faceplants into a stool.

Now he's completely shitfaced.

A woman walks into a bar...

A woman walks into a bar with her pet newt on her shoulder. She sits down on a stool and orders a beer. The barman looks at the woman and her newt and asks her, "What's his name?"
"Tiny." The woman replies.
"Why tiny?" The barman inquires.
"Because he's my newt."

An old Irishman walks into a bar, hauls his bad leg over the stool, and asks for a whiskey...

"Hey," he says, looking down the bar, "is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nods, so the Irishman orders Jesus one too.

An ailing Italian with a humpback walks in, shuffles up to the bar, and asks for a glass of Chianti. Noticing Jesus, the Italian orders Him a glass of Chianti too.
...

A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender ...

I asked my friend if I should get a foot stool

Hey said you otto-man

Although fiber helps pass stool, you need to be careful about the type of fiber you ingest.

From my experience, T-Shirts work well but Jeans are a big no.

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I took my three year old for a walk and he started crying because I accidentally stood on a toad stool.

Not sure why he was so upset, I'm the one with frog shit on my shoe.

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

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A gorilla walks into a bar

He sits down on a bar stool and orders himself a gin-tonic. The bartender looks on in total surprise and gives him a gin-tonic. The gorilla drinks his glass completely empty and asks how much to pay. The bartender, still amazed, curious about what will happen next asks him for $20. The gorilla grope...

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A dirty old man goes to the doctor.

The doctor tells him it's been quite a while since his last checkup and he'll need to run several tests. First, he'll need a blood sample, then a urine sample, then a stool sample, and finally a semen sample. The dirty old man tells him, "Hell, doc, I'm in a hurry. Here... just take my underwear."

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A man sitting in a bar suddenly shouted

“All lawyers are assholes!”
Another man jumped off his stool. “Those are fighting words!”
“Oh, so you’re a lawyer?”
“No, I’m an asshole.”

Which is better a stool or a box to stand on?

You stand on a stool, though I prefer the ladder

My doctor just thanked me for submitting the minimum amount of feces for my stool sample.

I told him it was the least I could doo.

Why did the stool not listen to the stepladder?

Because it wasn't his real dad

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A man walks into a bar and takes a seat on one of the stools

The bartender looks at him and asks him what he'd like to drink. The man orders four shots of whiskey for himself. The bartender looks at the man and says "Four shots for yourself? What's the special occasion?" to which the man replies "First blowjob." The bartender puts on a congratulatory smile an...

What does Mr. T say when he sees a fat lady at a bar?

I pity the stool!

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I did my presentation on stools,

got a shitty mark.

A man walks into the bar and takes a stool next to a duck on the bar...

Man: what's with the duck?
Bartender: oh he's magic
M: what?
B: magic... So you whisper your greatest desire in his ear and immediately he grants it
M: no way
B: try it!

The man leans into the ducks ear and whispers something and *poof* a small man in a suit with tails and a wh...

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Two Guys at a Bar (Long)

A gentleman is sitting at a bar when another man sits at the stool next to him.

He sees that the man orders a scotch, which is what he is drinking.

After a few minutes they get to talking and as soon as they both speak it is obvious they have heavy Irish accent's.

The one man sa...

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Three prostitutes are sitting in a bar. . .

and they're drunkenly arguing over who has the loosest pussy.

The first one says: "Last night I had a John put his whole fist up me and open up his fingers.

The second one laughs and says: "That's nothing! Last week I had a guy who stuck his arm up me to the elbow and could wriggle it ...

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