UPJOKE
auscultationmedicinethermometermedical doctorsphygmomanometerscalpelearphonestelemedicinepacifierdoctorthermometersheadphonesdefibrillatorultrasoundbeeper

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. I mean you haven't done a...

A young doctor had moved to a small town to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I've been a little sick to my stomach.”


The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

I always wear my Stethoscope around my neck

So in an emergency, it teaches people a valuable lesson about assumption

I went to my blonde doctor to ask what was wrong with me

I sat in the blonde doctor's office and told her I was feeling tired and short of breath. She took out her stethoscope, placed it against my chest and listened for a moment.

"You have an iron deficiency.", she said

"You can tell that just from listening to my heartbeat?", I asked.
<...

A girl is at the doctor. The doctor is about to use the stethoscope and says "Big Breath"

The girls says "Yeth, and I'm only thixteen"

A Doctor is examining a young girl with an ample chest. He holds his stethoscope to her chest and says 'OK, Nice big breaths'

'Yeth' replies the girl, 'and I'm only theventeen'

My old doctor said he could tell if someone was infected with HIV with just a stethoscope...

Because they’re useful hearing AIDS

I've started wearing a stethoscope around my neck...

So, if there's a medical emergency I get to teach people a valuable lesson about making assumptions based on someone's appearance.

A man goes to see his doctor.

The doctor asks him what the problem is.
The man says, "I'm really not sure how to describe it. I guess the best way is for you to hold your stethoscope to my thigh and have a listen."
The doctor holds his stethoscope to the man's thigh and hears a little voice say, " Hey man, can I borrow $2...

Emulate

On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!' Then the child spoke to the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. Ma...

Man: Why should I stop eating deep fried cheese because you heard something in your horoscope?

Doctor: Once again, it’s stethoscope.

Dr. Visit

A girl goes in for a check-up, at a local Doctor's office. During the course of the exam he gets out his stethoscope and says "Big Breaths now". She replies "Yeth, I'm only thixteen!"

A lady goes to the doctor...

The doctor uses a stethoscope to measure the heartbeat of the lady and immediately discovered something strange.

Doctor: I'm sorry to say this but it's fatal and you do not have long to live

Lady: How long?

Doctor: Ten

Lady: Ten? Ten what?!

Doctor: Nine...

A guy goes to the doctor with a sore leg....

The doctor runs the normal tests and takes some x-rays. Unable to find the problem he finally decides to listen to the leg with his stethoscope, at the knee he hears "hey give me $5" at the calf he hears "hey give me $10" at the ankle he hears "hey give me$15". He takes off the stethoscope, looks up...

A man goes to the vet

A man goes to the vet with his dog, and says "there's something wrong, I can't get her to wake up!"

So the vet brings the man to the examination room, and puts a stethoscope to the dogs chest and mournfully says "I'm sorry sir, your dog is dead"

The main sobs and says "isn't there anyt...

A man goes the doctor complaining of a very sore leg.

He gets in early at 11.55am, and tells the doctor his leg is sore.

He then explains that he’s also experiencing some other weird things with the leg.

The man explains to the doctor that every hour on the hour, his thigh asks for money.

The Doctor is a bit perplexed, but waits un...

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86 year old spinster

Old Spinster visit the doctor for the first time in years. During the check up the Doc need to examine her lungs. Puts a stethoscope under her blouse and tells her to say 99. Ninety-nine she says. Docs moves the stethoscope to her left breast and tells her to say 99. Ninety-nine she says. Right...

A teenage girl went to visit the doctor for her cough complaint.

The doctor examined her with his stethoscope. 'Big breaths' he said. 'Yeah, and I am only thixteen' she replied.

A girl goes to the doctor...

Putting his stethoscope to the young woman's chest, the doctor said, "Big breaths, dear."

She smiled. "Yup. And I'm not even thixteen yet!"

Endowed girl goes to the doctor

Endowed girl goes to the doctor.

Doctor says, 'I'm Doctor Wessler, what's your name.'

She says with a lisp, 'My name's Thuzy Thmith."

The doctor says, "Let's start by checking your heart." He places his stethoscope on her chest. "Ok big breaths.

"I know, and I'm only th...

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A man on vacation is having horrible stomach pains, and realizes he has a tapeworm...

The resort doctor taps on his stomach a few times, listening with a stethoscope. Then he tells the man, "Come back tomorrow with a banana and a cookie."

"Ummm... okay..." the guy says, skeptical. "What for?"

"Do you want my help, or don't you!?" the doctor says. "Just do what I tell yo...

My friend made a joke and wants to know if it's good. Let me know what you think

There is two doctors one old and one young, and the old doctor is teaching the younger doctor about house calls, they go to the first house and the old doctors like I’ll teach you how it’s done, and he asks the woman “what’s wrong?” And the woman replies “I’ve been full and not that hungry much”. Th...

A man visits his doctor, complaining of hearing voices in his leg.

The doctor asks if the man has seen his psychiatrist, but the man insisted, "You are the family doctor, you are the only one that I trust with this."

The doctor uses his stethoscope on his patient's knee. He hears "Hey, hey doc, can you lend me 5 dollars?"

The doctor is alarmed, but co...

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A man walks into the doctor's office for a check up.

The man is new in town and it's his first time in the clinic. The doctor starts by checking the man's blood pressure.

Doc: Have you any history of heart disease in your family?

Man: Yes, actually. My father suffered a number of heart attacks.

The doctor reaches for his stethosc...

I finally saved up enough money that I could afford to listen to my heart.

It turns out that's just a metaphor.

Anyway, I have a stethoscope for sale.

Dr. In Heaven (Long)

A world famous heart surgeon had a massive heart attack and suddenly found himself in heaven. He was met at the pearly gates by St. Peter and was warmly welcomed.
After touring heaven he noticed that for every thing in heaven, there was a long line of people waiting to get in. Movies-line, bathro...

A lady walks into a veterinarian with a parrot

A lady walks into a veterinarian with a parrot and places the parrot, stiff as a board, onto the vets desk.

"Doctor I think my parrot is sick. Please make him well again!"

The vet takes a look at the parrot and puts his stethoscope on the parrots chest and listens solemnly for a few mo...

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It took us ages to get this joke... Want to have a go?

So the theme for my [House Warming Party](http://i.imgur.com/TaE9k.jpg) was "Puns" and everyone came dressed as a pun. I sewed boxes of smarties to my pants (hardy har har). [This guy](http://imgur.com/a/yWeqt#0) arguably had the hardest one to guess. Those are sprigs of thyme. They're in white ...

A week before Memorial Day, kids bring pictures of veteran family members to school for show and tell.

First up was Mary. "My daddy served in Afghanistan. He was a paratrooper."

"A paratrooper?" Asked the teacher, who was awed.

"Yes, please look closer -- you can see his jump badge."

Second was Joe. "My granny served in Vietnam. She was a doctor."

"A doctor?" Asked the tea...

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Once upon a time, there was a sand dune with legs.

Duney they called him, truly one of a kind - a war hero of great accomplishment and honour, until that one fateful night.

It was 7PM, and the sun's glow was falling. Duney was exhausted, stumbling with his gun's barrel scraping along the desert's sand.
That was when Duney's world entered ...

A man had been feeling sick for several days. Finally he decided to try a new doctor who had just moved into town...

After hearing the man's symptoms and listening to his belly with a stethoscope the doctor told him that he had a tapeworm. ''Oh, is that bad? How can I get rid of it?'' asked the man. ''Come in tomorrow and bring a hard boiled egg and a oreo cookie,'' said the doctor. When he saw a puzzled look cros...

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Medical Humor

1...A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'
My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
...

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