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Self Defense Jokes

I went to my local self defense gym and asked if I can take 2 classes today. They said no

“You can taekwondo”

In Self Defense

Tenant - "I simply won't stay here any longer. Those people above me banged on the floor early this morning, slammed doors, and jumped up and down as hard as they could. I won't stand it, I tell you!"

Landlady - "They woke you up, I suppose?"

Tenant - "No, I hadn't gone to bed yet. ...

I went to a self defense course...

I still don't know many techniques I kendo to defend myself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took a self defense class.

Don't you dare attack me in slow motion now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don’t urinate on people in self defense

You’re just going to make them more pissed

Did you know words can be used for self defense?

Its the art of talkwondo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Jewish person learning self defense?

Jew Jitsu

I've recently taken up a class in French Self Defense...

It's exhausting, I've never ran so far!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I cannot believe all the people being charged with sexually abusing minors. Can’t the minors defend themselves?

After all, They have shovels and pickaxes. Can’t they use those in self defense?

I'm writing an English to Spanish self defense book.

It's called " No means no."

Seeking Legal Advice

If you're 70 and your husband coughs and you shoot him...can you claim self defense?

\#covid-19

What do you call a lawyer with a black belt in karate?

A self defense attorney!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dirtiest joke on The Tonight Show (SFW)

Alan King was on The Tonight Show and told Johnny Carson that he was going to tell the dirtiest joke ever told on network TV and the censors wouldn’t bleep a single word. This was many years ago, so I’ve likely changed a few minor details.

Jim was a successful stockbroker, but finally grew w...

What's the difference between Kung-Fu and Judo?

One is the ancient art of self defense. The other is what you make bagels out of.

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