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Ronnie Jokes

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It's boy's night and Ronnie comes up with a plan....

for them to get free beers all night long and it worked too. Ronnie and Matt get so hammered that the next day Matt hardly recalled the night before. Ronnie reminded him that the plan was to go to each bar, drink all they could and then Ronnie would whip out a hotdog from his pant zipper and Matt wo...

What did Ronnie James Dio wear to Church when he was a baby?

Holy Diapers.

Did you know Ronnie Pickering invented the giraffe?

He got into an argument with a horse and uppercutted it

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Always loved the awful jokes on The Two Ronnies.

"Well, that's all we have time for tonight, but before we go, here are a few items of late news:

"Roughhouse Row, Tower Hamlets, which is London’s toughest street, held a party today for its oldest inhabitant. He’ll be twenty-three on Monday."

"F. C. Rawls, the train conductor, who has...

3 rednecks were working on a cell tower...

Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.'


Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do ...

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In Memory of Ronnie Corbett

Here's some of his best jokes

- A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals.

- We will be talking to an out of work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.

- A man was maro...

So there’s three guys in the middle of the Great Depression.

Their names are Bob, Joe, and Ronnie. Now Bob, he's a pretty smart guy. Definitely the smartest of the three. Joe is, well he's not great, but he's had a few good ideas in his time. Now Ronnie. Ronnie is dumb. And when I say dumb I mean _dumb_. Like really, really dumb. So one day, these three are p...

So my rich brother in law bought a Jag. And one day while he was at a stop light

My destitute nephew, Ronnie, pulled up beside him in his 2003 Toyota. 

They are happy to see each other, the difference in wealth has never been an issue between them.

"How are you nephew?" say Mel “Have you seen my new Jag?"

"My that’s a fancy car, so let me ask you, what kind ...

three dogs...

... an American dog, a Polish dog and a Russian dog were talking. The American dog said "whenever I want meat I just bark."

The Polish dog said "what is meat?"

The Russian dog said "what is bark?"

(told by Ronnie Reagan a few decades ago...)

After twelve years of psychoanalysis, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said....

After twelve years of psychoanalysis,
my psychiatrist said something
that brought tears to my eyes.
He said, No hablo Ingles.

- Ronnie Shakes

Breaking News

Local police are seeking a shoplifter who attacked a store this lunch time but was tackled by a have-a-go shopkeep with his labelling gun.

Officers say they're seeking a man with a price on his head.

- RIP Ronnie Corbett.

The perfect crime was committed last night,

when thieves broke into Scotland Yard and stole all the toilets.
Police say they have absolutely nothing to go on
– Ronnie Corbett

Damn Amazon and their Black Friday deals

I ordered 4 Kindles and they sent me a 2 Ronnies DVD instead!

BREAKING NEWS!

Two tanker ships collided and sank in the southern Pacific Ocean yesterday. One was filled with red paint and the other, smaller tanker, was filled with blue paint. All crew members survived but now are marooned on an uninhabited island.

(Thanks to The Two Ronnies for this oldie)

A man wakes up late one night to find his wife eating candy.

The man says "Honey, why are you eating that this late at night?"

and his wife replies with "Because unlike you, Snickers satisfies me."




Credit to Ronnie Serrano.

Jokes about Dad's new glasses

My Dad needs glasses for the first time. He's in his 50s and needs them for reading small print. Happens to most people with age. No biggie...
-
However, I have worn glasses from a young age and he mocked me mercilessly for being a specky four-eyes with neverending delight. So now I have my op...

On black Friday I found a great deal and bought 4 Kindles online.

Today they delivered a Two Ronnies DVD.

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