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Robert Jokes

Patrick Rothfuss, Robert Jordan, and George RR Martin walk into a bar...

I'll finish writing this later

Robert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic Texas cowboy boots.

So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "notice anything different about me?"

Margaret, Age 75, looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Robert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and wal...

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How did Robert Kennedy break his arm?

He was helping Jack off a horse.

Robert Kennedy Junior is running to become US President, and I think Americans should give him a shot.

And a couple of boosters, just to be sure.

What did Robert Plant?

...I don't know, but Roger Waters it.

Grandad, why does my brother Robert live with you?

Well you see grandson, when you were a baby, your uncle Peter moved out and it was the first time in a long time that granny and I were all alone, we had some drinks, put on some music and Bob's your uncle.

Robert Palmer was arrested for tax evasion

Apparently "she's so fine there's no telling where the money went" isn't a valid defence

Heard about the Robert E Lee statue at Duke University campus?

[removed]

Robert!

Once three poor guys had to sleep in one blanket. And they wanted to sleep with their heads inside it. But they were scared of each other farting. So they decided that if anyone wants to fart they have to say the code word “Robert is coming” so that they could take their heads outside the blanket. <...

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US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.

The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.

Robert Pattinson is an awful vampire

It took him 11 years to figure out how to turn into a bat

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What does Robert Plant say before he has an oragasm?

Valhalla, I am cumming.

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The tragedy of Robert the Rooster

Why did Robert the Rooster decide to kill himself? I'm talking about the rooster who worked 80 work weeks, who got up at the crack of dawn every morning, who had three divorces in his thirties, who is survived by his two estranged children, who had horrible credit, and who suffered from chronic acid...

When Robert's wife got a job as a seamstress he was absolutely thrilled.



Because he knew she'd need her bobbin every day!

Why doesn’t Robert Plant shop at Aldi?

No quarter

Robert Degen, who held the US copyright for the Hokey Pokey, died at the age of 104.

His open-casket funeral allegedly took over eight hours, over seven of which consisted of the surviving relatives of his putting his right hand into the coffin, putting his right hand out, ...

What do Tom Brady and Robert Kraft still have in common?

They go to Florida for happy endings

Robert called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner

*"Hello?"* said a little girl's voice.


*"Hi, honey, it's Daddy,"* said Robert. *"Is mommy near the phone?"*


*"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank."* After a brief pause, he said, *"But you don't have an Uncle Frank, honey!"*

*"Yes I do. He's upsta...

Six Supreme Court justices, floating face-down in a river

All 6 conservative members of the SCOTUS got stranded in the woods with only a giant suitcase and a couple of paddles. Then they came to a raging river- it was fast-moving, wide and rocky but only waist deep. They began to bicker over how to get across. Kavanaugh, Thomas, and Gorsuch said "We are st...

Ever since Robert was a child

He had a fear of someone under his bed at night.

So he went to a Psychiatrist and told him "I've got problems.
Every time I go to bed
I think there's somebody under it.
I'm scared.
I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the psy...

Robert Khardasian was OJ Simpson's lawyer

And thus began the family tradition of getting black men off.

Stranger: “Bob? Is that short for Robert?”

Bobert: “No”

Bobs wedding

Robert, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After ...

I’m not surprised Robert Pattinson got Covid

He’s wearing his mask wrong.

A 90 year old man goes to the doctor for his annual checkup.

Fifteen minutes later, the doctor says,"Your health is good physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"

The old man replies,"Me and God are tight. We are in a real connection. He has even fixed my eyesight for me! Whenever I go to the bathroom to pee, the light turn...

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Robert

“Did you know there’s 1.5 gallons of blood in an average person” One of the girls at our lunch table looked at him in disgust, and looked away.

Robert was a weird ass kid. None of us were friends with him, and we didn’t pay any attention to him, so it was a surprise to see his greasy self sit...

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If robert frost was bisexual...

He would have gone both ways.

A man stops another man on the street

\- Oh my God, Robert! I almost didn't recognize you! You changed your hair, you changed your nose, you changed your moustache...

\- Erm, I'm sorry sir, my name's not Robert, it's Richard.

\- No way! You changed your name too?

Robert died...

He was working on the local brewery and fell inside the beer tank, drowning. It is believed he didn't suffer as footage shows him leaving the tank twice to take a leak.

Ran into Robert Downey Jr. randomly at a club the other day

He was in his Iron Man getup but without the helmet and was dancing with glow sticks by himself. Anytime anyone tried to come up to him, he'd push them away, curse at them, then continue dancing.

He was Stark, raving mad.

What's Robert Kraft's favorite wing flavor?

Dry rub!

Robert De Niro has six children,

That’s mucho de niro.

"Yesterday, my wife left me for my best friend"

"Who is your best friend?"

"Robert"

"Since when is Robert your best friend?"

"Yesterday."

Robert, caring child

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

"She is the...

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Robert Kraft facing charges of soliciting a prostitute just means...

That once again the Patriots are tied to a scandal involving deflated balls.

Robert Pattinson is playing the next batman.

I guess he's a vampire bat now.

What is Robert Kraft's favorite football play?

The rub and tug in the end zone.

Robert Mugabe, Donald Trump and Boris Johnson are in a crashing aircraft.

The problem is, there's only one parachute. So Boris says, "Look here chaps, we're all democracies. Why don't we just vote on who gets the parachute?" Donald and Boris agree, and, even though they have limited time, they decide on a ballot system.

They all cast their votes, then Robert opens ...

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quick story.. of a joke

I (Richard)was out visiting a friend from the Military, we had been very close and out for a long time, but still very close friends. While I was at his house with him and his wife, she said the following. " Some people and I were talking about nicknames and that some of them don't really make sens...

Robert Mueller gets drunk after the report is released.

He convinces Jim Comey and Andrew McCabe to accompany him downtown but he can’t seem to make up his mind where to go. He crosses the street from one pub to another. People gather to watch as he strides back and forth.

Knowing that Mueller is a man of few words, they ask Comey what’s going on...

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Robert Downey Jr and Benedict Cumberbatch both got constipation

No shit, Sherlock

An Indian scientist was collaborating with an American called Robert

Both of them being genetic researchers, they had reached a breakthrough in rice where a gene introduced would help it grow in the most adverse of conditions. They called it Victory gene, or V gene for short.

But Robert decided to steal the credit for himself, so he stole the v gene, and escap...

Robert Mugabe, an unpopular dictator from an African nation, visited Israel with his top government officials.

Unfortunately, he died during the visit. The Israelis offered to bury him in Israel for free, explaining that it will save money that can be used to help the poor people of his country. His entourage discussed the proposition and declined the offer saying that they'd rather bring back the remains of...

If Robert Kardashian hadn't gotten OJ off,

eventually one of his daughters would have.

White Nationalist should honor the true legacy Robert E. Lee

And surrender.

Will we be able to watch Robert Plant, while Roger Waters and Jeremy Irons?

Probably not, but Brian May!

Robert Kraft doesn't always have a use for massage parlors.

But sometimes they come in handy.

Did you hear Julia Roberts has a new movie coming to theaters on St. Patrick's Day?

She plays an Irish legal assistant who investigates the toxic levels of green beer. It's called "Erin Go-Brah-kovich."

Why is Robert Pattison so pale?

There's no sunlight in the closet.

Robert walks into the bar down the street from his house...

He proceeds to drink his fill and is quite drunk, tries to stand up, gets his feet and proceeds to fall face first onto the floor. Jake the barkeep says "Robert can I help you get home?" No No Robert replies, my wife will be home in the morning and I need to get home so she doesn't she suspect any...

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You all know how you get Bill from William and Bob from Robert but how do you get Dick from Richard?

Ask him nicely

My dad has a brother named Robert

I guess Bob's my uncle.

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Patriots owner Robert Kraft charged with solicitation of prostitution

‪Robert Kraft ought to open his own chain of rub-n-tug parlors called Kraft’s Singles. “Your balls deflated or your money back!”‬

New England Patriots’ Robert Craft is charged with soliciting prostitution.

He just wanted to show the masseuse where he wears his 6th super bowl ring.

I don't know why people are so happy about Robert Mugabe's death...

I mean, didn't he turn all of his countrymen into billionaires?

Robert goes down to the mega church on Sunday.

He waits in line for his turn and asked the televangelist to pray for his hearing. After 3 minutes of violent shaking of his head by his ears and trying to push him backwards the preacher asks, "hows your hearing?" Then Robert replies " well my hearing is not until Wednesday at the courthouse".

A man gets pulled over by the police.

Robert: Is something wrong, officer?

Officer: Yes, you were driving too fast.

Robert: Okay, I understand.

Officer: May I see your driver's license, please?

Robert: I would like to let you see it if I had one.

Officer: You do not have a driver's license?

Robe...

Kids get back into the classroom after playing at recess

and the teacher says, “who can tell me what they did at recess?” Sally raises her hand and says, “I played in the sandbox.” “That sounds like fun, Sally! If you can correctly spell sand, I will give you a cookie, replied the teacher.

“Sand, S.A.N.D. Sand” said Sally with a smile.

“Cor...

Why is Robert Palmer bad at tennis?

He's addicted to love

Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side...

...only three more sleeps till Christmas.

My drama professor said I had to write 5,000 words on Robert De Niro

I only managed three before his private bodyguards wrenched me off him.

Did you hear Arnold Schwarzenegger and Robert Patrick are starting a pest control business?

I mean, it makes sense, they're ex-terminators after all...

I ordered a steak prepared à la Robert Kraft at a steakhouse outside Gilette Stadium.

It was well-aged meat, massaged with an Asian rub, publicly grilled and roasted.

A friend asked Robert Plant why he didn't like reddit

He answered: "I couldn't get no silver, I couldn't get no gold..."

Robert E. Lee once said: "I like whiskey. I always did. And that is why I never drink it."

That's just generally speaking.

Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin agreed to take care of each other’s gardens.

This means Roger Waters Robert’s Plants.

Doctor: You have a disease, but we can treat it.

Patient: What’s the Cure?

Doctor: It’s an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith, but let’s try to stay focused...

What did Robert Palmer say to the light when he flipped the wrong switch?

I didn't mean to turn you on.

Somehow it looks like Robert Kraft will get away with his little massage parlor incident...

This isn't the first time he got off...

Donald Trump, Robert Mueller, and Vladimir Putin find themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

“Are we dead?”, Mueller asks.

“No,” Saint Peter says. “You’ll be going back shortly. I need to correct a mistake that was made before any of you were born. We mixed up your names! See,” he turns to Mueller, “you were supposed to be named Trump, to symbolize how, like a Trumpet, you are to s...

Why did Robert Oppenheimer's wife go to the beach naked?

There was no bikini atoll

[L] My friend Robert took some stuff to the dry cleaner the other day.

My friend Robert (Bob, if you want) took some stuff to the dry cleaner the other day. Nothing out of the ordinary: some shirts, a jacket, and his favorite pair of shorts. Now, you should know: Robert isn’t the fittest of my friends — he’s what we affectionately refer to as “husky”, and IMO the short...

In high school, what was Robert E Lee voted?

Most likely to secede

The camouflage test

\- **Soldier**: Hello commander Robert!

\-**Commander**: Hello! I didn't see you at the camouflage test...

\-**Soldier** :Thanks commander Robert!

There were two avid sailors

who were proud of their well-kept boats (the "Tuning Fork"
and the "Robert Frost", respectively). In all ways they were evenly matched as able sailors except when it came to braiding rope. Not that the Tuning fork’s captain’s braids were deficient, but the other had a flair when it came to bra...

People are giving Robert Kraft a hard time for paying someone to give him a tug, but let's be honest...

Giving _yourself_ a tug isn't that comfortable when you've got 6 rings on.

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