UPJOKE

Respond To Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you respond to someone calling you a grammar nazi?

You call them antisemantic!

How do people from the South respond to emails?

Reply Y’all!

How did the computer scientist respond to brunch plans?

I’ll see you in a bit, for a byte!

How does a computer respond to a good joke?

101

How did God respond to worldwide declining birth rates?

Sending thots and players.

Don’t expect me to respond to any comments regarding this joke…

…I have abandoned my post.

How to respond to your ex

Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."

How do you respond to someone about where you’ve been if you’ve been to Colombia?

Sorry, I was MedellĂ­n in Colombia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police respond to a disturbance call at a house...

The cop hears loud music blaring inside and pounds on the door. A ten year old boy answers the door wearing flip flops, boxer shorts, and a sport coat There's chocolate smeared all over his face, and he's holding a beer in one hand and a cigar in the other.
Cop asks, "Are your parents home, youn...

How did the painter respond to his stolen car

Where did my van gogh?

Having someone respond to a medical emergency has gotten sooo expensive.

Maybe instead of sending a Para Medics they should only send one.

There are three ways to respond to “I’m pregnant.”

You’re kidding!

You’re kidding.

You’re kidding? (This is from a universe where the process of making a child, or kid, is called kidding).

My favorite way to respond to a knock-knock joke

Person: "Knock Knock"

Me: "Come in"

Person: "..."

There’s only one word you need to respond to a raging boomer.

And that’s ok.

A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”.

She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”.

Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Natural...

How does a practitioner of death magic respond to questions?

With necromanswers.

How did the beluga respond to their beluga friend asking them to hang out?

“Might as whale.”

Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday

I feel desserted

Edit: oh wow, this was my first time karma whoring on my cake day and I honestly wasn’t expecting this much attention. Thank you for all the awards and sorry if I didn’t respond to all the messages.

Shoutout to u/sse2k for “letting” me repost his joke.

Why do most cats not respond to us calling them?

Because essentially we are catcalling them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does one respond to a black guy sending you a dick pic?

TL;DR

How not to respond to a police officer

A police officer pulls over an elderly Jewish guy for speeding.
After insisting that he was within the speed limit for 15 minutes, the old man finally gave up.
While writing out the speeding ticket the officer sarcastically asked : "I was wondering what do you with the foreskin after you've be...

How did NBC respond to someone who criticized their broadcasting?

I (*commercial break*) can't (*commercial break*) understand (*commercial break*) your accent (*commercial break*).

A duck waddles into a hotel’s lobby convenience store…

…and loudly asks the bored clerk, “Hey, where can a guy get some Tic Tacs?”

Incredulous, the store clerk responds to the waterfowl at his feet, “Did you just ask for Tic Tacs?”

“Yeah, Tic Tacs,” says the duck. “Got a date with a smokin’ hot redhead.”

Not knowing for certain how...

What do you call it when an incel threatens to kill himself when someone doesn't respond to his desperate and creepy messages?

Fake noose.

Aristotle, Plato and Socrates walk into a cafĂŠ during the decline of the greek empire.

Aristotle, Plato and Socrates walk into a cafĂŠ during the decline of the greek empire. The barista asks each of them why they think the empire is falling.

Aristotle gives a powerful speech about how the empire has failed to live up to its telos and deconstructs the very nature of what an em...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police Respond to the House of a Man Who Beat His Wife to Death with a Golf Club...

The police begin questioning the Husband, who admits the fight started over his obsession with the game of golf.

"My wife has been up my butt about how much I've been playing golf...golf-this, golf-that...she wouldn't stop and I just snapped and started hitting her with my 3-Wood."

"M...

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