Option Jokes - 77 Hilarious Option Jokes

What are the options?

Air Hostess to passenger:
"Sir would you like to have dinner?"

Passenger: "What are the options?"

Air Hostess: "Yes and No."

If Hooters had a delivery option

Would it be called Knockers?

Option 1: Let’s eat grandma. Option 2: Let’s eat, grandma.

There you have it. Proof that punctuation saves lives.

My options are limited but …

Just overheard at a Waffle House …

Two elderly guys were having breakfast next to us. One guy reflectively said:

“Well at 81 my options on what to do are limited. … But hey, maybe I can run for President.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was born, god gave me the option between choosing the ability to finish stories or having a big .

Obviously I chose

Clothing optional

I went in for my prostate exam last week. The doctor told me to take off my pants. I asked him where I should put them. “Right there next to mine” was not the answer I wanted to hear.

If you're ever getting a circumcision don't go for the cheap option

It's usually a rip off

I wish orange was a common color option for android phones

Would make it easier to compare them to Apples.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do sites have a share to Google+ option?

I don't want my friends knowing I use Google+.

In the middle of a really messy divorce, I decided suicide was the only option.

I just need to talk her into it now.

How does a walrus present other options?

Or, or, or!

I went the ATM to take some cash out, and selected the “Cash with Advice” option.

It said “Get a better job”

Girl, are you a TSLA stock option?

Cause I have no experience, and I want to call you.

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves, is that, they don't speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase - Secure the building.

The Army would post guards around the place.

The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.

The Air Force would take out a five year lease ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Violence is the only option.

Unless a mosquito lands on your , then it's a hostage situation.

Failure is not an option

It comes bundled with your Microsoft package

How did you get circumcised? My parents went for the cheap option.

It was a ripoff.

I'm new to this Tinder thing, is delivery an option?

Or is it "pick up" and "Eat out" only?

There's a bipartisan group petitioning for medical marijuana as an option for arthritis patients.

In other words, there's joint support for joint support for joint support.

So after a great date last night the girl said her place was far away and hinted about her "options" for tonight...

So I was like: " You know, I actually live right around the corner... so I can easily show you which night bus you should take"

Before I was born god gave me 2 options: A good memory or a big phallus.

I don't remember my choice

Two options for keeping a budget that always has money.

Add a zero or move the decimal point.

There must be a typo in the "sort by" options.

I chose "new" but they're all reposts. Should be "knew" instead

The only stock options I have...

... are chicken and beef.

I believe there is a point in life after which the suffering becomes unbearable and euthanasia is the only humane option.

That point is birth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I'm cooking, I always make sure to have vegetarian options...

They can make do or they can off.

When given the option, always go for apple juice.

O.J will kill ya.

A native american chieftain is constipated and his medicine man is out of options.

So he tells him to ride to the nearest town and see the white man's doctor. The doctor asks what's wrong, but the Chief's english isn't that good, so he says "Big Chief, no fart."

The doctor gives him 2 cans of beans and a can opener. "Eat this for lunch, you'll be right as rain." The chief t...

I asked the flight attendant what my options were for dinner.

She replied, "Yes or No."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.

She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."

A ...

I invested in a soup manufacturer. I asked them what the stock options were.

They said chicken or vegetable

When finally the quarantaine is over and you have the following options: A. Going on vacation with your wife. B. Having a barbecue with your friends. What would you choose?

Spareribs or hamburgers?

A lot of people are talking about how unhealthy bagels are for you, and how there are so many better breakfast options.

It’s a real schmear campaign.

I'm opening a hotel made for people with no other options.

I will name it "Last Resort".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was talking to a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

With the success of BK's Impossible Whopper, McDonald's decided they needed a non-meat option too.

So they brought back the McRib.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Now that generic versions of are available, there are several low-cost options to treat erectile dysfunction.

Ask your doctor if coxaphlopin is right for you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Welcome to the Mental Health Helpline. Please listen carefully to the following options:

* If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent, please get someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personality disorder, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you have Tourette's Syndrome, please say "!" after the tone.
* If you have sch...

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

After having the beer, he asks the bartender for the bill.

"$3", says the bartender.

The man just for fun goes on and places a $1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a bad look but has no other option but to pick them up.

This happened for 3-4 days an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Redneck vasectomy

After the birth of their 9th child, a redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. "Me'n my cousin don't want no more kids"

The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. "Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Our doctor told us that vaginal delivery is definitely an option..

But when the arrived at our place the next day, my wife was *not* pleased.

A husband calls the Sheriff's office to report his wife missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort ...

When I have two options of getting onto the roof...

I always choose the ladder.

Chase releases new feature option to have your balance text to you daily

I just wish they didn't add "lol" at the end of it.

Breaking News: United Airlines to replace carbonated beverage options.

They will now only sell punch.

I'm gradually figuring out what the best lighting options are for my house.

It's a process of illumination.

What options does an abortionist have to get ashore?

Row vs. Wade

So they made the essay optional for the new SAT test...

but isn't the SAT without the essay just the T

I realized today that I really only have two options when it comes to a career path.

I'm going to end up in jail or working at Olive Garden. Either way endless salads are getting tossed.

My wife asked me "If you were given the option to find out exactly when and how you would die, would you want to know?"

I said "No, why?"

She said, "Never mind."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A few years ago I freed a Genie and he gave me two options. A better memory or a longer .

I still can't remember what I chose though.

Upon arriving in hell, I was surprised to find a clerk asking me, “In which military would you like to serve?” Turns out Alexander the Great, Napoleon, and Otto Von Bismarck overthrew Satan centuries ago and have been fighting each other ever since.

"Oh, that’s an easy one, ” I reply.

The clerk looked at me, skeptical.

“You don’t even want to talk to a recruiter? They can tell you all about the perks of each side.”

“No thank you. I know Napoleon will never lose.”

“Well, that’s a pretty stron...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has an option to turn into any object in the universe, he chose a butter knife.

He wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer...

(real news) Select Starbucks stores have been offering customers the option of adding carbonation to their drinks.

In response, Dunkin' Donuts is offering customers the option of having an employee make motorboat noises into their coffee.

I want an option to hit "like" on the hot friend instead of the girl who actually has the tinder account.

Sometimes the friend is better and there is no option on tinder for that.Where is the justice tinder?

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

2 hunters are lost in the woods...

After wandering around for a couple hours they decide to weigh their options, one says, "I heard if you shoot in the air someone will hear and come to your rescue", so they fire a few times in the air and wait, nothing happens so they try again a couple more times, after a few hours of this they're ...

I took my sick dog to the vet, and they told me that the best option was for my dog to go live with some children in China.

Although, I'm surprised that he referred to them as the "youth in Asia".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had the opportunity to get 50 dollars per day or 50000 dollars when I want but a virgin will die. I chose the second option. Later on, my mother calls me and tells me that my father had died due to an unknown cause.

I had the opportunity to get 50 dollars per day or 50000 dollars when I want but a virgin will die. I chose the second option. Later on, my mother calls me and tells me that my father had died due to an unknown cause.

I asked Dumbo what career options he would pursue, when the circus shut down, and if he would consider interesting opportunities

He said, "I don't know, but I'm all ears"

You were there for me when I had my doubts, you always gave me guidance, and you always offered me options.

Thanks Google.

So I hear EA has removed all refund options from their website, and now customers have to call them directly. But hey:

"The intent is to provide players with a sense of pride and accomplishment from successfully navigating our automated phone menu."

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previou...

A man won at the Mathematical Olympiad.

When he wanted to claim his prize, the jury made him an offer: "You have two options: Either you get 10,000$ cash right here, right now plus a brand new car. That's your first option!
Or we take a chess board, put one cent on the first field, two cents on the second field and so on and so fo..." ...

3 blondes are lost in the desert

They come across a river that they have to get over, but it's swarming with crocodiles.

Luckily, a genie just happened to pass by on his flying carpet. He said: "Ah, you are lucky! As I have found you here, I will grant each of you one wish."

The first blonde wished she was an excellen...

My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."

Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.

Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.

Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and door...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A successful businessman is driving home and sees another man on the sidewalk eating grass.

He stops and asks, "Hey! Why are you eating grass?"

The man replies, "I'm out of money, I lost my job and I haven't eaten in three days! Grass is my only option."

The businessman thinks for a few second and says, "You know what, why don't you come with me to my house."

The man, ...

Just wrote this one about my esteemed profession. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the aforementioned task in a timely and efficient manner within the structure in which said bulb is housed and being dependent on the following variables:

Whereas it should be taken in to account that ceiling heights may differ significantly f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher comes up to a kid eating a snickers bar for lunch

He asks the kid if he thinks eating snickers is a healthy option for lunch.

The kid says "My grandma lived to be 102"

The teacher replies "wow. That's amazing. Did she eat Snickers for lunch every day?"

The kid says "No. She minded her own business"

How to differentiate between the branches of the US armed forces:

If you give the command "SECURE THE BUILDING", here is what the different services would do:

The NAVY would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The ARMY would surround the building with defensive fortifications, tanks and concertina wire.

The MARINE CORPS would assault the b...

A blizzard hit a remote prison way up in the mountains, the faculty were all evacuated but there was no time to save all the inmates.

After the weather calmed down, the roads were snowed over, and would be impassable until the thaw come springtime. Rescuers were flown in to find the the inmates had all perished due to the unbearable cold. It seemed the only think left to do was to remove the bodies to give closure to the families ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Crocodile.

A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors... He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, ...

I took a class recently on the history of food preservation.

In the early days, metal containers were the cheapest and easiest to make, so almost all food was stored in cans. Tin was a particularly soft and easy to mold/shape, and didn’t rust like other options, so most preserved food cans were made of tin.

Things went great for a while, with some food...

How do you confuse an Apple user?

Give them options.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A small Muslim boy is lost in the supermarket...

so he runs to an employee and says, "I've lost my mother!"

The employee leans down and asks "What does your mother look like?"

The kid wipes his eyes and looks at the employee. "I have no idea."

Edit: I'm sorry to those that are getting offended/angry/and are calling me ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Forgotten Pick-Up Line

A man walks up to an attractive woman at a bar and begins to tell her a story.

"The other day, I was walking through the park, when something unexpected bumped against my shoe," he says.

The girl is intrigued. "Well, what was it?" she asks.

"It was a magic lamp," the man says. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife came home after a long day in the operating room and told me about a patient she had that required eyelid transplants. With no other options they were forced to use skin from the man’s foreskin to complete the transplant...

Apparently he came out a little -eyed

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.