UPJOKE
anyoneanybodyeverybodynothingsomebodyanythingeveryonewhatevernonentityciphercyphersomeoneknowsguesssomething

Nobody Jokes

A lone cowboy nobody knew walks into a mining town bar..

He orders two drinks which he downs slowly. When he was done with his drinks, he paid the bartender and walks out to see that his horse with all his stuff is missing.

He turns around, walks back in the bar, pulls his guns from his holster and shoots them in the air.

"Which ever one o...

A joke nobody has heard before because I made it up!

There was a man who made himself an outfit completely out of knives. Everywhere he went, any man who saw his outfit said he looked good but any woman who saw him went completely insane! Why?

It's because every girl goes crazy for a sharp-dressed man.

nobody seems to upvote a cake joke on cakeday anymore

Feeling desserted

Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing...

It's always, "Is Pepsi okay?"

Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday

I feel desserted.



Happy cake day to me :)

Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday

I feel desserted

Edit: oh wow, this was my first time karma whoring on my cake day and I honestly wasn’t expecting this much attention. Thank you for all the awards and sorry if I didn’t respond to all the messages.

Shoutout to u/sse2k for “letting” me repost his joke.

How come nobody at the kings table laughed when he farted?

Because noble gases don't cause reactions.

I told a joke about Coronavirus and nobody laughed

Except that Chinese kid in the back. He got it.

Nobody was scared when the clown invasion started at the beach

”I mean, it’s just one boat” they said. ”How bad can it be?”.

If someone calls you a nobody, just remember

Nobody's perfect.

Just because nobody complains

Doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye

Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit

Why does nobody ever talk about how tall the average dwarf is?

Because it’s a little mean.

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it...

...then my illegal logging business is a success

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nobody ever really outgrows scatalogical humour,

no matter how crappy the pun.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First joke I've ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed

I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 20...

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southe...

Why will nobody tell me what the lowest rank of the military is?

Everyone keeps telling me that it’s private.

It has been 2 years and still nobody knows why Notre Dame caught fire....

...but Quasimodo has a hunch.

I named my pecker Nobody.

Nobody’s perfect.

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Nobody believes me, but I only have sex standing up.

I’m not fucking lying.

Some people are into 2D girlfriends, but nobody ever talks about 1D girlfriends.

It's a line they won't cross.

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

Nobody believes that I can name the Canadian Prime Minister.

It's Trudeau.

Why does nobody like a rich stone?

Because he takes everything for granite.

Yesterday I was at a Weight Watchers party but nobody mentioned obesity.

There were just too many elephants in the room.

Nobody's heard from the Zamboni drivers since the NHL cancelled their season.

I'm sure they'll resurface at some point.

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What do you call those black and white movies where nobody speaks?

Interracial porn

You pee in the shower - nobody bats their eye.

But if you shower in the pee, everyone loses their mind.

Why does nobody ever tell Jonestown Massacre jokes?

... because the punchlines are too long

Jesus drove a Honda, but nobody knew about it.

For I did not speak of my own accord. - John 12:49

Nobody expects the...

Hello, we've been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty.

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I went to the premature ejaculation support group and nobody was there.

Turns out I came too early.

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A plumber is called to a house with nobody home

When he arrived there was a note that read "sorry we can't be home but here's a key to let yourself in. Beware of Spike the dog, and whatever you do, DO NOT talk to the parrot"

The guy walks into the house and sees a big doberman, but it seems calm so he goes about his business.

While ...

I have this recurring nightmare where not only am I forced to become Vegan

I'm then stranded alone on a desert island and there's nobody to tell.

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Nobody's angry when Santa comes early

But when I do it, my wife is pissed!

Why does nobody like playing FPS games with Boy Scouts?

Because they're good at camping.


(Credit goes to the Scout's Life magazine I got today for making one of the worst scout jokes I've ever seen.)

I started a camp for kids with ADHD but nobody showed up.

I guess calling it Concentration Camp was a bad idea.

When I was young, there were only 25 letters in the alphabet.

Nobody knew why.

I decided to put together a support group for erectile dysfunction

It was a big flop and nobody came.

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Nobody's ever offered me money to have sex!

sure a Bud Light and a basket of curly fries, but not cash.

Everyone knows Alan Turing, who cracked Enigma codes.

But nobody knows his sister Kate, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home."

I went over. Nobody was home.

Apparently nobody wants to go to adult film conventions anymore? Why?

I come to all of them.

I feel bad that nobody’s checking up on Coca Cola’s well-being.

When everyone asks if Pepsi is okay.

Nobody ever believes me when I say I can make over six figs in a just single summer

Until I show them the small fruit tree in my front yard.

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"

The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediat...

Nobody rewarded me :(

I see people in the subreddit of ''GetMotivated'' writting stuff like ''I am a month free from alcohol'' or ''I am 3 months away from gambling'' and they get awards for doing that. Well I wrote there ''I am 3 months away from studying''. Nobody rewarded me. Thank you people of reddit!

If anyone is alone this Christmas and has nobody to spend it with, please let me know..

I really need to borrow some chairs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes, when you cry, nobody see your tears,

Sometimes, when you smile,nobody notices your joy
Sometimes, when you are scared, there's nobody to calm you.


But try to have a wank in the Tesco car park, and everyone will notice.

P.S. Can someone pick me up from the police station.

Did you hear that the US bobsled team put Donald Trump's picture on the front of the sled?

Apparently nobody else can make America go downhill faster.

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

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My penis is like Joe Biden.

Slightly left-leaning, and nobody's first choice.

For a long time nobody bought records

Then the tables started to turn

Did you hear about the crow that got arrested for trying to throw a party where nobody came?

He got charged with attempted murder

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A Teacher asks the students..

"Is it possible to insert 2 holes through one hole?"

Nobody is able to answer

Teacher: "You guys are so stupid. Go and ask your parents and come back tomorrow with an answer."

The next day too, nobody is able to answer the question.

Teacher: "Well, it seems your parents a...

If you think nobody cares if you're alive..

Try missing a couple of payments.

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I am fucking nobody

Lucky for me, I have very low chance of getting STDs

When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian...

Nobody's laughing now.

I met a girl named Nobody

I told her people have said she’s loved me since the day I was born.

I’m currently in a love triangle

I like this girl, this girl likes nobody, and nobody likes me.

Nobody knew she had a dental implant

until it slipped out in conversation.

Nobody wants to die alone.

That's why I'm training for my pilot's license.

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

As a responsible employer, All my staff are in a 2 week quarantine.

Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office.

How many vegans does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger?

One if nobody's looking.

If i post a joke on Reddit and nobody reads it

How the hell does it get reposted with a new punchline in a matter of minutes?

Why does nobody play poker in the jungle?

Because there are too many chee-tahs

A naked woman robbed a bank

Nobody could remember her face

Nobody in Yemen likes the Flintstones.

Which is funny, because people of Abu Dhabi do.

I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.

Nobody expects the Spanish in position.

They should build the wall with Hillary's emails

Because nobody can get over them.

Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong are telling bad moon jokes at a party, and nobody is laughing.

Buzz sighs, "I guess you had to be there"

Why did nobody go on a date with Avogadro?

Because his number was too long

A manufacturing plant was in trouble, and nobody knew why.

A manufacturing plant was in trouble, and nobody knew why. They finally brought in an expert to fix the problem.

The guy basically walks in, inspects the equipment, takes out a chalk piece, marks one unit with an X mark and leaves.

The plant’s owner replaces the unit and viola! everyth...

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Virginity is like a car

Once you've had it 25 years, nobody else wants it either

Why does nobody like a lobster with a lisp?

They are way too shellfish.

I tried to lighten the mood at a party with a coronavirus joke.

Nobody laughed at first, but eventually everyone got it.

Nobody could understand Othello.

It's because he was speaking in Moor's code.

Mixed up two shipments at work but nobody realised

I actually was pretty lucky that both were closed caskets.

I know several jokes in sign language

I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.

Nobody cared for 4/20 two years ago, but it's okay...

This April will be 4/20 too.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door..

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

Nobody saw this coming

I guess we didn't have 2020 vision.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nobody dies a virgin

because life fucks everyone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pandemic nobody’s talking about...

...the bitching!

I’ve asked thousands of people what LGBTQ+ stands for.

Nobody has given me a straight answer.

Nobody enjoyed the in-flight movie.

It caused 17 walkouts.

Nobody walked into a bar.

A few hours later, Odysseus came out.

Mick Jagger walked in to a bar, and nobody noticed.

Because you can't always get what you want.

I made an award that looked like a cat's rear end, but nobody liked it.

It was a catastrophe.

Nobody throws a BBQ as good as me

My record is 21 feet.

Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,

I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.

In Minecraft nobody can grow pubic hair

They can only grow cubic hair

Nobody believes that I was born half Zentaur half human.

The top half of my body is Zentaur (Centaur) but the bottom half is human.

I find this funny but so far nobody else does. Can I improve the joke somehow?

I've changed my Facebook name to Nobody

Now when I Like something it will say "Nobody likes this".

Nobody can argue that Trump is creating jobs.

A position as an Iranian general just opened up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Success is like pregnancy...

Everyone congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

What should you do when nobody laughs at your science jokes?

Keep trying until you get a reaction.

Why does nobody touch Sean Connery's chips?

They heard their flavor was shower cream and onion

Nobody really knows how an MRI actually works

It's a mister-I

Other than King Arthur, nobody was able to pull the Sword out of the Stone.

You could say, they didn't have Arthurization.

This pastor decided to skip church one sunday morning and go play golf.

He told his assistant that he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.

He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried is an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450 yard hole in one.

...

If "practice makes perfect", but "nobody is perfect"

Then I won't practice at all, it'll make me a nobody!

A blonde and a lawyer are on a plane

And they’re sitting next to each other. The lawyer gets bored and decides to play a game.

He asks the blonde to join. The lawyer says “we’ll each ask each other a trivia question. If you get it right, you earn $5. If you get it wrong, the other person earns $5.”

Well, the blonde isn’t...

What do you call a hippo that nobody knows?

A hippononymous

Nobody would show up to a "White Lives Matter" demonstration.

They all have to work.

Trandlated a joke, hopefully nobody told it already

Johnny is walking around with his grandma.
He finds candy on the ground, he wants to pick it up, but his grandma tells him:"don't pick up things on the sidewalk."
They continue walking and Johnny finds 1$, but his grandma tells him again:"don't pick up things on the sidewalk."
Then his gra...

Nobody is born cool

Unless it's a miscarraige.

Why could nobody in the Soviet Union drive a car?

They kept Stalin.

Nobody in Antarctica has Covid-19

It’s because they’re ice-o lated

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