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Grampa Jokes

Grampa O'Malley

A little boy asks Grandpa O’Malley, "Can I have five bucks to buy a guinea pig?"

"Here," says the old man as he hands the boy a $10 bill. "Go get yourself a nice Irish girl instead."

Teacher gave her class this assignment: ask your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it.

**Teacher gave her class this assignment: ask your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it.**

Following day the kids came back and one by one go through their stories.

There were all the regular things - never too old to learn, never give up, no crying over spilled mi...

Grampa told me this one!

Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89), living in The Villages, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way, they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, "Are you ...

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I never forgot the last words grampa said to me

"Stop shaking the ladder you stupid cunt!"

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Grampa was telling us his war stories

Grampa: 'So we were flying back from bombing out Berlin, when suddenly we got caught out by the Germans. My Lancaster got surrounded. There was a Fucker on the left, a Fucker on the right, a Fucker above, and a Fucker below. We thought we were screwed.

Mum: 'Father, would you please not use t...

I visited my Great-Grampa yesterday and found him in tears with emotion

When I asked what was going on, He answered:

So many years ago, I fought in World War I. At some point, I saw a German, he saw me, we both aimed at each other but he was quicker and shot first. He missed me. In shock, I just ran away, never to see him again… or so I thought.

You see, s...

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Grampa what are you reading?

- A history book.
- But that’s a porn book!
- Perhaps for you, for me it is history.

A little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Grampa, make a noise like a frog." Grampa asks, "Why do you want me to make a noise like a frog?"

The little girl responds, "Cause Daddy says we'll make a lot of money when you croak."

Did you know that my grampa has the heart of a lion

And a life time ban from the zoo

MOMMY MOMMY, I DONT WANT TO VISIT GRAMPA!

Shut up and keep digging...

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Little boy and his grampa

So, a little boy is sitting with his great-grandfather, who used to be a big game hunter in his formidable years.

"Gramps, tell me a story about your days as a big game hunter" said the boy.

"Whaaaa?" replied his grandfather

"TELL ME A STORY ABOUT WHEN YOU USED TO
HUNT BIG ...

Grampa popped by for a visit, solo. He seemed a bit bored.

*“Grampa, whatever happened to that lady friend of yours?”

“She died.”

“Why did she die?”

“Gonorrhoea.”

“Grampa, people don’t die from gonorrhoea!”

“They do if they give it to me.”*

My grampa's been telling the same joke about a ship that got stuck for years now,

it never gets old , it's Evergreen.

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one my Grampa told me:

Three men are standing in a huge line to see a movie. The guy in front really has to piss. He mentions this to the guy behind him. The guy behind suggests he piss into the back pocket of the guy in front of him. The middle guy laughs and says the guy in front will surely notice. The guy behind him s...

Here's one my grampa told me when I was a small boy.

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over."Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

One evening a father overheard his daughter saying her prayers, "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.

A month later the father heard his daughter saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting mor...

An old man is on his death bed...

An old man is on his death bed, and his family has come in from all over the country to be with him in his final hours.

He opens his eyes, and says "Is Ruthie here? My beautiful, loyal wife?"

"Oh yes, my handsome prince! I'm right here!" Ruthie replies

He continues, "...and wha...

A Cup of Tea

One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which ...

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Little Johnny goes fishing

Little Johnny goes fishing with his grandfather out on the lake. While they're fishing, grampa pulls out a tin of chewing tobacco and takes a dip.

"Grampa, can I try that?"

Grampa thinks for a minute, then says "Does your dick reach your asshole?"

"No sir...."

"Then you a...

Killer

A grandson asks his grandfather:

Grampa did you get to kill anyone when you were in the army?

Yes, I killed more than 50 men.

But I tought you were an helicopter mechanic!

Yes, but not a good one.

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A drunk old man stumbles into a bar . . .

It’s the roughest bar at the end of the roughest street in town. It’s full of the scariest, meanest bikers you ever saw. Swaying slightly, he scans the room and stops when he finds the biggest, toughest-looking guy in the place. He stumbles over to the guy’s table, points at him and says in a loud v...

A man walks through the forest with his granddaughter in late May.

She spots some berries and asks what they are.
„That's blueberries“, he says.
„But they're red, grampa!“
„That's because they're still green“

A girl goes over to her Italian grandfather’s house

to find him covered in salt and wrapping himself in pigs intestine. Shocked, the girl says “Grampa! What are you doing?!?”

The grandfather responds: “I founda I have-a the cancer, so I worka ona cure!”

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A kid goes to stay at his grandparents house for a weekend

On the first night, the kid and his grandad are sitting in the garage, Gramps is having a smoke. Kid says, "hey, can I get a puff?" Gramps says, "well. Does your dick touch your asshole?" Kid says, "no... What the hell??" Gramps says "well you can't have a puff of my cigar.

Next day, kid and ...

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For an old man's 98th birthday,

his 3 grandsons paid for a hooker and sent her to his home. When the old fella opened the door he asked what a pretty girl like her was doing at his home. She replied "I was sent here as a gift to you" The old man asked "What is it that you do?" Hooker says "Im well known for my super blowjobs" Gra...

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Oh little Jimmy.

Little jimmy walked into the kitchen to find his grandpa smoking cigarettes.

"Can I smoke a cigarette too?" Asked jimmy.
"Can your dick reach your own butthole?" Asked grandpa.
"No." Answered jimmy.
"Then you are not old enough." Replied grandpa.

The next day, jimmy walked int...

When I was a kid, we were so poor....

That we'd have wait for Grampa to sneeze to get something to hang on the Christmas tree.

(Thanks Rodney)

A 60 year old man named Bill goes to get his physical.

When his doctor is finished, he shakes his head. "Bill, you're a 60 year old man, you have the body of a guy in his 40's. You're in better health than most patients I see. I have to ask - how old was your dad when he died?"

"WHAT?", Bill bellows, "Who says Dad's dead?" The doctor starts t...

My favorite vegetable...

I work at a grocery store. This kid comes up to me today and asks me what my favorite vegetable is.

“Cauliflower,” I tell him. “What about yours?”

“Grampa,” he replied.

After a 10 day journey, the turtle family finally arrives to the picnic location...

Upon arrival, mama turtle realizes they forgot the ketchup.

“Junior, please go back and fetch the ketchup”

“No way! You’ll start without me”

“Don’t worry, we’ll wait for you”

“I don’t believe you”

“We promise not to start without you”

Reluctantly, Junior lea...

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An old man was telling his grandchildren a story about his trip to Africa

"...and I was slowly walking in the middle of the Jungle, y shotgun tight in my hand, when a Tiger suddenly leapt out of nowhere and GRRROOWWW!!!! I shit my pants!"
"Of course Grampa! Anybody would shit their pants when a tiger...."
"No, No, No. I soiled myself just now when I screamed GRR...

Grand dad...

One morning after a fresh rain, a grandfather and his young grandson are walking the property. The grandfather looks down and sees an earthworm emerging from its burrow.

"Okay, sonny, here's a challenge: If you can figure out a way to get that worm back inside his burrow, I'll give you $5.00...

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A little boy and his grandpa were sitting outside..

A little boy and his grandpa were sitting outside on the balcony. His grandpa was smoking a cigar and the boy asks "Grampa, can I smoke some of that cigar?" Grandpa relies "does your dick touch your asshole" the boy rather confused replies "no" and the grandpa says "if your dick doesn't touch your a...

The Good Old Days [long]

There was a little boy named Timmy whose grandpa came to visit. Grandpa said to Timmy “I’m so glad we get to spend some time together! Tell me, what would you like to do? We can do anything you want!”


Timmy replied, “To tell you the truth grandpa, my very favourite thing is to go to the...

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My Grandpa was an amazing man

My grandpa left school and was told by his parents, whom could clearly afford it, that if he wanted to study at university he would need to pay his own way. Well he did exactly that and took a role as a mail boy in a merchant bank.

When WW1 broke he was drafted and fought as a officer in the ...

Meta-meta-joke

# Joke

A joke is something funny because unpredicatable that makes people laugh, giggle or smile. This is a a joke :



>I met a shepherd, we talked about ewe.



The fact that it takes a second to realize that "we talked about ewe" sounds like the well known sente...

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