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Freak Jokes

I started dating a guy, but then I found out he lost all of his toes in a freak work accident

Unfortunately, I'm lack toes intolerant.

(This joke inspired by an 8 year old)

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man complains to his wife his dick is numb and he’s freaking out…

[Dumb joke I just thought up.]

So he says “wrap your hand around my dick and I’ll see if I can feel it.”

She does so and he shakes his head. She tells him “honey, go to the doctor!”

The next day he thinks up another idea and asks her, “maybe if you put your mouth on my dick I ca...

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I was having sex with a friends wife, the phone rang. heard it was her husband. I freaked & started getting dressed

She hung up, told me not to worry. He told her he was gonna be late, he was out drinking with me.

I just found out that my friend broke all his fingers in a freak accident.

I can’t even imagine how he feels.

My SUV needs all 4 tires replaced at a total cost of $800. That's more than the stimulus they gave us and so the wife freaked out a little.

I told her that it's no big deal and we can just rent a SUV for a day and it would only cost $50.

She said I was an idiot and that we would need an SUV for more then 24 hours.

Then I explained to her that it's more then enough time for me to swap the tires.

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."

"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

Knock knock. Who's there? Control freak.

Right as they start to say "control freak who?" You quickly cut them off and say "next you're supposed to say control freak who!"

I had no freaking idea!

I visited a local news website this morning and saw a picture of a good friend of mine on the front page with a title above saying, "A 34-year-old mechanic arrested for dealing drugs". I really thought I knew the guy, but I guess I was wrong. I mean, I've been a loyal customer of his for almost 7 ye...

In a freak accident I lost all the fingers on my right hand.....

I asked the doctor If I would still be able to write with it.

He replied "Probably, but I wouldn't count on it"

My grandparents were vaporised in a freak accident

They will be mist... :'(

Just had a mini freak out cause I realized I lost all sense of taste.

I was browsing the front page and chuckled at an /r/jokes post.

Control Freak

## Knock! Knock!

John: Who’s there?
Freddy: Control Freak.
John: Con…
Freddy: Okay, now you say, “Control Freak who?”

What’s the one rule about fighting circus freaks?

Always go for the juggler.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my girlfriend told me we could watch a porno for my birthday and do everything that we saw in the video

I was so freaking excited, until she fucked the pizza guy. :(

Stairs really freak me out and give me anxiety

I think I need to approach this fear step by step

A photographer was killed in a freak accident today.

When trying to take a group photo, a giant wheel of cheddar rolled over and crushed him.

Witnesses said people did try to warn him.

Freaked out when I got to the cemetery

and the GPS said “you have reached your final destination.”

Cat puns freak meowt

Seriously, I'm not kitten.

Freaking auto correct

I got the number of a local artist from one of her works, so I texted her this by accident...



"I want to buy your panties, Leslie."



How embarrassing! Her name is Leela.

Did you hear about the drummer who got a cymbal stuck in his rear?

Doc says it was a freak injury. I mean, what are the odds? Must be a Zildjian in one!

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My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.

After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again.

I guess the bulb was hot.

I lost part of my hand in a freak accident that also gave me amnesia

I’m trying to remember what happened, but I can’t put my finger on it

Did you hear about the guy that was injured in the freak peek-a-boo incident?

He had to be put in the icu

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked…

I’m not sure what freaked him out more – my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

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Stanley was killed in a freak explosion in his garage...

There was nothing Stanley liked better than drinking beer, smoking cigarettes, and hunting. At least twice a week, Stanley went out in the woods with his hunting buddies Cletus and Jimmy. They never shot much, but they always had a few cases handy and always had a good time. They were practically in...

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat..

Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow." The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man." Starting to freak out, the guy say...

Found my first grey pubic hair today. But I didn’t freak out...

Unlike everyone else inside the elevator

People always freak out when I show them I have 6 fingers in one hand

I'm starting to think it's because they're not mine.

I once dated a girl who was a fitness freak

It didn't last long, our relationship didn't work out.

The Trump administration must be freaking out

Oh, to be a fly on Pence right now.

What do they call the electrical engineering freak?

Wired

Heights Of Insult By A Grammar Freak Girl.

Girl To Boy: "You Are As Useless As Ay In Okay"

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.

All the other paintball players started freaking out though.

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"...

Three little old nuns are attending a church service in Rome when, in a freak accident, a giant crucifix falls from the old plaster wall and kills them.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates Saint Peter says, "I'm SO sorry, Sisters, that was a freak accident and wasn't supposed to happen.

"Unfortunately, your Earthy bodies were too horribly mangled for us to just send your souls back, but we *do* have a protocol for cases like yours.

"W...

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday.

Apparently you are not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

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The dirty joke from 'Freaks and Geeks'

A woman puts an ad in the paper looking for a man who wouldn't run away at the sight of commitment, who wouldn't hit her, and could fulfill her sex life. Two weeks go by and nothing. Finally one day the door bell rings. She opens the door and sees a no-armed, no-legged man.

She looks at him ...

My husband thinks I'm freaking crazy,

but I'm not the one who married me.

Well, she didn’t lie about being a freak in the sheets.

But she sure does know how to burn a cross

People all over the world are freaking out when they find snakes in their car.

Here in Australia its pretty common, we just call them windscreen vipers.

What does Kim say when Kanye is freaking out?

Yeezy Yeezy, calm down.

Wanna hear a joke about a control freak?

Yes, you do.

Shawn (yawning): “I’m so freaking tired”

Sean (yeaning): “me too.”

A man is in a pub, talking enthusiastically and at length about his hobby, skydiving.

He turns to a woman sitting close to him and asks, "Have you ever tried skydiving?"

"Only once," she replies. "Never again."

The man then realises that she's blind. "Oh, I'm sorry," he says, somewhat ill at ease, "does it have to do with your, uhm, condition?"

"Yes," she states,...

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People are freaking out about the virus

Guess they’re going bat-shit crazy

Did you hear about the guy who was run over in a freak steamroller incident in a printing shop?

He made quite a splash across the headlines, but left a good impression on paper

Badoom pssshhh

I freak out when people wave their hand in the air

But it's like they dont even care

Why did the twenty year old anti-vaxxer freak out?

She was having a midlife crisis

A control freak has 5 kids, how many of them does it take to change a light bulb?

There's no point in trying, none of them can change anything.

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A father and his ten year old son were in the grocery store…

…and the son was throwing a penny up and catching it. After several successful attempts, he threw it up, lost it in a light and it went into his mouth. He started choking which caused the father to start freaking out and yelling for a doctor.

A well dressed woman walked over, calmly reached d...

What's the best way to freak out your gynecologist?

Become a ventriloquist

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie. Delighted, the genie says, "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out, "I want a billion dollars." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact $1,000,000,003.50.

The second man thinks for a bit, then says, "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net wor...

A boxer loses his sight in a freak accident.

Not being able to compete again, all he can do now is training with his loyal training partner and hitting the bag. Since he can’t see, he is required to remember and move only a certain amount of steps (both forward and backwards) to keep the distance. Suddenly his partner stops the session and the...

My Mexican friend was freaking out, but

I couldn't understand his panic.

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My friend invited me to go and see a freak show...

He said 'they've got all sorts; a one eyed man called the cyclops, a woman covered in scales called the lizard lady, even a man with a willy where his nose should be'

'What do they call *him*' I asked

He said 'fuck knows'

A Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead are against a wall to be executed by a firing line.

Each is given an opportunity for last words. The Redhead is up first: she points and screams "Tornado!" Everyone freaks out and in the commotion she gets away. The Brunette is second and catches on the the plan: she points and screams "Tsunami," fleeing in the confusion. The Blonde has worked out a ...

My girlfriend freaked out when she found out I have only one kidney.

Who told her to go poking around in my freezer anyway?

Chore time at the house. My daughter was freaking out at the sight of the plates, cups, bowls, et cetera stacked in the sink. I looked at her reassuringly and told her…

Dishes not the time to panic.

I have a few female horses, but one of them always starts freaking out while riding at night

She's my worst night mare

Dad becomes freaked out over sons ability to make people die then he gets another surprise

So a dad and his family are praying one night and his son says, “Goodnight mama goodnight daddy and goodbye Grandpa”, next day grandpa dies. The dad is a little freaked out but is convinced this was just a tragic coincidence. Next night they are praying and his son says, “Goodnight mama goodnight da...

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Everyone is freaking out and hoarding toilet paper but I’m thinking 12 year ahead...

And hoarding shells.

Don't know why everyone freaked when I tried to hug them at the covid center

I was just trying to spread some positivity.

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A priest and a rabbi are standing on the side of the road holding a sign that says, "TURN AROUND! THE END IS NIGH!!!"

A young man passing by in a car slows down and sticks his head out of the window to shout at them, "Get fucked, you religious freaks" and zooms ahead at full speed.

Moments later, they hear a yell followed by a loud splash.

The rabbi turns to the priest and says, "I told you we should ...

A cannibal was halfway through eating a woman before he started freaking out.

He was having a mid-wife crisis.

My wife always freaks out when she's on her period

Keep having to tell her to stop ovary acting.

I saw a kid freaking out on Santa’s lap

I guess he was claus-traphobic

You know, a friend of mine met a guy last week who told her he was a billionaire.

\- She slept with him, and the next morning, he gave her money for a bus.

\- Wow, she must be freaking mad at him.

\- Nah, not really. A bus costs, what, two hundred grand?

A woman got married and had 13 kids. Her husband died in a freak accident.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

"Lord, they're finally tog...

Everyone is freaking out about Tom Hanks having the Corona virus.

I'm just happy that we finally know what Jenny had.

I freaked out when my girlfriend was about to look through my phone

I didn’t want her to see my Reddit account, so I just told her I was cheating on her

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A dad overhears his daughter...

One day, a dad overheard his daughter praying in her room. She said "bless mom, bless dad, bless grandmom, goodbye grandad". He found this weird but didn't say anything. A few hours later the family finds out that her grandad had passed away. The dad freaked out initially, but chalked it up to coinc...

The other day I dropped my baby nephew and my sister started freaking out

I understand that I should be more careful, but let’s be honest, who the f*** brings a baby to the Grand Canyon?

Did you hear about the poor waitress who lost her leg in a freak accident?

Now she's working at IHOP.

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My wife is a compulsive plant freak. She's filled our house with all manner of potted plants that she picks up at yard sales and give aways!

I think she's a hoarder-culturist.

Pat the Irish immigrant died in a freak mining accident...

...leaving Kathleen, his young wife, near mad with grief. After the burial, Kathleen's mother drew her aside, and took her in her arms, and rocked her as she wept, and tried to comfort her:

"But think on what a grand man he was, Kathleen! Weren't they all saying at the wake as that Pat was a ...

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A guy, who is not very well endowed, unfortunately is getting married in a week and he’s freaking out...

He’s so embarrassed by the diminutive size of his member, he doesn’t know what he’s going to do.
The wedding night comes and out of desperation, he sneaks a large pickle into bed- and successfully gets through the night. As a matter of fact- that’s how he gets through the next several years unti...

I heard about this spoiled girl who freaked out...

Because her parents bought her a black Ferrari instead of a blue one.

Really makes me appreciate my parents

Because they bought me a blue one

Everyone freaked out when I told them I got ill from drinking expired booze.

I guess this is an awkward time to tell people you're sick from a bad case of Corona.

I can't stand those eight-legged freaks.

Or as they're more commonly known, "quadruplets".

My cat freaked out when I told him he was adopted.

Granted, I spelled it out on the floor with a laser pointer.

I’m looking for jokes that you have to work out. My favourite is the one in the below, which was posted here by another user. Does anyone else have any similar ones that you have to think about before finding the funny?

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

"Ohhh man...!!" she moaned. "Give it to me now... I'm so freaking wet, give it to me now!"

She could moan all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella.

A fitness freak is out for a run one day. She's having a great run, tunes playing through her ear buds, sun shining.

As she sprints blissfully across a road, a massive truck ploughs into her.

The next thing she's aware of is she's standing in a shiny, beautiful place and inately realises, this must be Heaven.

Sure enough, an angel approaches her and tells her, yes she's now in Heaven and gives her a ...

I’m freaking out right now! I found a dead body in the trunk of my car!

Where the hell did the other one go?!

I don’t know why my wife is so freaked out over me practicing necromancy.

I was serious when I said I wanted to raise a family.

I got super freaked out when I saw 2 dead bodies hanging in my closet

I was relieved when I remembered I had just installed a mirror in there.

My wife freaked out when I opened the door for her

She was screaming that I was losing control of the car

I was walking home last night and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery

3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them “I understand, I used to get freaked out too when I was alive.”

Really freaked out for a bit, my computer was giving me personalised Jesus quotes.

Turns out I had it set to depeche mode.

After a freak accident; Zlatan, Messi and Ronaldo enter the kingdom of heaven.

Messi is first to be judged by the lord, God looks upon Messi and says "Messi, you shall sit on my right side" and Messi takes his rightful place.

Ronaldo is next up and God tell him "Ah, Ronaldo, You shall be seated at my left side for eternity"

Then Zlatan walks up a...

2 weeks building a greenhouse for my herbs only to see it blown away in freak winds

What a waste of thyme!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mum used to tell me that having one testicle does not make someone a freak.

I still say it's creepy, and she should have it removed.

I was gonna make a joke about my dog being a freak on a leash...

But it was too korny

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What kind of skin growths are the biggest control freaks?

Anal warts.

Jimmy Carr was complaining that he had no mode of transport after a freak accident with a truck carrying dry fruits wrecked his Jaguar.

It was Carr's Rant on a car to rent cause his current car was rent by a currant current

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Women, the best freaking firewall in the world. (Xpost from r/funny )

* One human cell contains 75MB genetic information.
* One sperm contains a half of that; that is 37.5MB.
* One ml of semen contains 100 million sperms.
* In average, ejaculation lasts for 5 sec and contains 2.25 ml semen.
* This means that the throughput of a man's me...

How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport

Re:LAX

Three surgeons are sitting in a bar...

... getting drunk and talking about the great successes in their careers. The first takes a shot and says, 'I had a a patient, a concert pianist. He severed all ten of his fingers in a freak cooking accident with a very sharp knife. I meticulously reattached them, and within a year, he played a conc...

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

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The airplane was filled with people to the last seat, everyone was waiting for the pilot and co-pilot to arrive.

Finally they come. The people can see them through the windows, they get inside the plane and the passengers are freaked out. Both pilot and co-pilot are wearing blindfolds marking them as blind, have white canes with them and dark sunglasses. The people freak out a bit, but after both of them get i...

A dad walks by his son's bedroom...

And hears the kid praying. "God bless mommy, daddy and grandma. Tata, grandpa." The dad can't help but scratch his head. Still, he was glad his kid was praying. And so he went to bed.

The next morning, Grandpa was found dead on the floor of a heart attack. The dad is weirded out again, but de...

4 men are in the hospital waiting rooms, because their wives are having babies.

A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations, you’re a father of twins.”

The man says, “That’s a crazy coincidence, because I work for the Minnesota Twins.”

The nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations, you’re the father of triplets.”

The man says, “That’s...

Just said Hi to this guy on the plane and everyone freaked out

Apparently his name was Jack

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

My buddy is freaking out because he is missing a piece from his 10,000 piece puzzle.

If you think that’s bad, I’m missing 9999 pieces.

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus is watching you.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo ...

I proposed to the girl I've been seeing for a while. She was freaking out and apparently she wanted to make things official.

I'm now signing some papers with the police.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball ...

I freaked out when I saw the clown from IT at my local thrift shop

But then I remembered he was Pennywise

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A condom broke last month. I freaked out and went to the pharmacy, and they told me to use the morning after pill.

That shit doesn't work. I took two and she's still pregnant.

I was walking past the graveyard late at night

and a couple of girls said to me "Is it all right if we walk with you? Walking through here at this time of night really freaks us out!"

I said, "Sure, I'm fine with that. It used to freak me out too, back when I was alive."

And you never saw anyone run so fast.

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