Examining Jokes - 42 Hilarious Examining Jokes

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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and r...

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While examining the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase.

When he gets home, he decides to ...

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Sara goes to the gynecologist for an examination.

She gets up on the examining table with her feet in the stirrups, and the doctor, with his head now between her legs, whispers to himself "My, what a large vagina. My, what a large vagina. My, what a large vagina. My, what a large vagina.”

“I heard you the first time! How many times must you...

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A medical student was examining a skeleton

“Here once was a penis”, said the student.

The professor replied, “probably more than once, this is a female skeleton”.

A doctor was examining a nun

Suddenly, the nun fainted dead away & the doctor was forced to summon emergency aid.

"What happened!?!" asked one nurse as the EMTs worked on the nun.

"Well, I examined her and I told her she was pregnant."

"She is?!" yelled the nurse.

"Actually, no" said the doctor ...

A doctor was examining his newest patient

As testing went on, the doctor said "I'm not quite certain what's wrong with you yet, but I think it may be the result of heavy drinking."

So the patient said "That's OK, Doc- I'll just come back when you're sober!"

Unnerving things to hear during a medical examination:

After examining you thoroughly I have some bad news. I’m the janitor..

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An old man walks into a chemist and starts examining packs of viagra...

Nurse: Do you need any help there, sir?

Old Man: Yes, every Saturday my wife wants to have sex, but unfortunately, I can never get an erection. Which brand of viagra would you recommend?

Nurse: Well sir, everyone is different, but if you come with me to the counter, I can get you a pac...

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A philosophy professor is examining a student.

However, the student does not know too much and is in danger of failing, so he says to the professor:

"If I ask you a philosophical question and you don't know the answer, will you let me pass?"

The professor agrees, so the student says:

"Describe a situation from your life when...

A defense Lawyer was cross-examining a police officer

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who pr...

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Holmes and Watson examining a naked dead body..

“Do you see that reddish impression there around the neck there Watson?” asked Holmes, pointing to the markings.

“Yes Sir, I see it” replied Watson.

“What do you make of it?”

“I’d say strangulation, Sir”.

“My thinking also Watson”.

Holmes moved to the feet, “...

The doctor examining me in A and E asked whether I had any religious beliefs. "None at all," I assured him.

The doctor examining me in A and E asked whether I had any religious beliefs. "None at all," I assured him. He glanced at my notes and said "you might want to reconsider that."

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A man heard that masturbating before sex...

A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. ...

An English kid and Russian kid were examining a beehive together.

English kid: See that one? We call that the Queen because it is the leader of the hive, just like the Queen is the leader of our country.

Russian kid: We call it the czar.

English kid: Well that’s a little bee czar.

A woman bursts out of the examining room, screaming after her doctor tells her she is pregnant

The director of the clinic stops her and asks what the problem is. She tells him what happened and another doctor has her sit down and relax in another room while he marches down the hallway to where the woman’s doctor had informed her of the pregnancy.

“What is wrong with you? Mrs. Miller is...

A doctor walks into an examining room.

A doctor walks into an examination room and puts his hand on his patients shoulder.
“I’m afraid I have some bad news. You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”
“Oh no!” Says the patient. “How long do I have live?”
“Ten,” says the doctor.
“Ten?!” Cries the panicked patient. ...

A lawyer is cross-examining a doctor on the stand.

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

Doctor: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

Doctor: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

Doctor: "No."

Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was ...

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A 3 year old was examining his testicles in the bath.

"Mom" he asks, "are these my brain?"

"Not yet" she responds.

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A lady dwarf goes to her gynecologist for her annual check up.

"Any issues or concerns?", asks the Dr.

"Well, now that you mention it, I have noticed that when it rains, my labia gets a bit red and sore."

"That's very unusual", says the Doc, "Hop up on table and let me take a look."

She does, and after a few minutes of checking he says she ...

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A doctor is examining his patient

Doc: How many times do you masturbate a day?

Man: Idk, ten?

Doc: Do you think you can cut down on that?

Man: Why?

Doc: Because I'm trying to examine you.

A Doctor is examining a young girl with an ample chest. He holds his stethoscope to her chest and says 'OK, Nice big breaths'

'Yeth' replies the girl, 'and I'm only theventeen'

A doctor is examining a young female patient...

"Big breaths!" he tells her.

"Yeth!" she says, "And I'm thtill only thixteen!"

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Doctor is examining a young women...

and says:

- Everything seems OK, but I am worried about those bruised knees and elbows.

- Oh, it's because of all the doggy style sex I have.

- Don't you know any other position?

- I do, but my doggy doesn't.

My doctor sent me for a prostate exam to the nearest hospital. I went, reluctantly, got called in the office and patiently suffered through the very personal examination.

When the examining surgeon left, a nurse came in and asked a question that sent shivers down my soul: “Who the heck was that?”

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A man goes to a doctor, and the doctor begins examining him.

After a short while, the doctor stands up, takes a deep breath, shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, but you're going to have to stop masturbating".

"Why?" asks the man.

"Because I'm trying to examine you".

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One morning a doctor is examining a young woman

As she takes her blouse off the doctor notices that there is a large "H" imprinted on her chest. The doctor asks about it and the young woman replies "my boyfriend is a graduate of Harvard. He's so proud of that fact that he never takes his college sweater off, even when we have sex."

The nex...

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"

"No."

"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"

"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could h...

The new job

A Miami man seeking employment is passing in front of a job recruiting office when is stops to read some of the jobs being offered.

Suddenly he notices an intriguing offer.

“WANTED: GYNECOLOGIST’S ASSISTANT”

NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES,

HELP TH...

The old man was sitting on the examining table in the doctor’s office having his hearing checked.

The doctor poked his light scope in the old man’s ear and said, “Hey, you have a suppository in your ear!”

“Rats,” said the old man. “Now I know where my hearing aid went.”

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Two morgue workers are examining a dead naked woman...

One of the morgue workers looks at his partner and says "there's a shrimp hanging from this woman's pussy."

The second worker, puzzled, looks down and then back at his partner: "that's not a shrimp, that's her clit."

The other man goes "Funny, it didn't taste like a clit to me."

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A nurse at the ICU noticed a patient trying to say something through his oxygen mask.

Nurse: Sorry, what was that again?

Patient: Are my testicles black?

Nurse : Excuse me?

Patient : Are my testicles black?

The nurse was quite young and beautiful,and was used to getting hit on by patients. But seeing the state the poor man was in, she decided to check ...

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Genghis Khan and his soldiers attacked a tiny village of their enemy country and took all the men and women as prisoners..

Later in the evening,after being intoxicated,the sadistic Genghis decides to play a game..

He asks all the men from the village to stand in a line and strip down their pants..

He then instructed one of the wives of the men to be blindfolded and she should recognize her husband after ex...

After carefully examining me for 10 minutes, the dentist said I need a crown...

I was like, "I know, right?"

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel...

and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed....

I was at the dentist this morning and while he was examining my mouth, I bit his finger.

I think I left a good impression.

"Hmm," I said to the fishmonger, examining the selection. "I've got the munchies, I will eat any of these."

"Smoked trout?" he asked.

"No," I replied. "Just a little bit of weed."

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A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath

"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet, son".

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A man goes to his eye doctor for an examination.

They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

The man replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you were upsetting the other patients who are out in the wa...

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I went to see a dentist.

After examining my mouth: "There's something wrong with your taste bud."

"What is it?" I asked.

He said, "Well, for a first, those shoes are fucking hideous."

A Clean Joke

One day, an old man and his wife visited their doctor for a checkup. The doctor wanted to examine the old man first. After examining the old man, he said "I'm surprised you are in such excellent health."

The old man replied "I attribute it to my good and clean life."

"Your good and c...

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A woman went into a doctor's office with a baby. She's taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. The doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examining table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor s...

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Three men, Joe, Bro, and Buddy, all lived in a small town.

One day, Joe went hunting alone, and for the next few days no one heard from him. About a week afterwards, a body was found and brought into the coroner’s office.

The coroner, after thoroughly examining the body, needed a positive identification in order to verify that the body was indeed Jo...

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