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Demons Jokes

What gym equipment do demons never use?

The exorcise bike.

Ba dum tiss.

I told my husband he should fight his demons

Thats all I remember before being knocked out

Why are there so many fat demons?

Because they hate exorcising.

How do you keep demons away?

Exorcise regularly.

I'm done dating demons.

They're too possessive.

How do demons get to the brothel?

Via the succu-bus.

What do Demons store human souls in?

Sufferware

Why do demons love apostrophes?

They show possession.

Why do demons avoid nuns’ clothing?

They’re repelled by force of habit.

Why don't demons steal hairpieces?

Because if they did, there'd be Hell toupee.

Why do demons hate fitness?

They don't like being exorcised.

The reason there are so many demons out during lockdown

is because priests are only allowed to exorcize for 1 hour

How do you get rid of fat demons?

With a treadmill. You exercise them.

Why do demons always win in court?

Because possession is nine-tenths of the law.

What type of jackets do demons wear?

Blazers

Credit to my son for coming up with this joke.

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Satan is giving a new demon trainee a tour of Hell

Their first stop is a huge cauldron full of lava, completely surrounded by frantic demons punching, kicking, and stabbing at the occupants.

The demon asks Satan, "what's going on over there?"

Satan replies, "Oh, that's for the Jews. Boy, they're a lot of trouble. Any time one of them t...

Castro joke I got from Cuban family members

Fidel Castro dies and because he thinks he is so great he goes to heaven. Once past the gates though, Saint Peter stops him and throws him out being the the watchful eye he is. In hell, the devil meets castro and gives him a warm welcome and tells his demons to get Castro's bags and bring them to hi...

I saw this guy running down the road with a bunch of monsters. When I asked him what he was doing he said:

I’m exercising my demons.

Why dont Demons fear oxidation?

Because there's no rust for the wicked

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I'm starting a new premium subscription service that will distribute sexual content based on Japanese demons.

It shall be called Oni Fans.

This is for Robin Williams

A man goes to see a doctor. Doctor asks what seems to be the trouble. The man says, "Doc, I'm depressed. Simply, I can't sleep sometimes, I can't eat, I feel down and irritable most days. I just can't feel 'happy.'"

The Doctor says, "I've got the perfect fix for you. In town tonight is the g...

How do you change wine to urine and lemons to demons?

Cursive

A woman dies and goes to the afterlife. They tell her:

\- You were a righteous woman in your life. You may go to Heaven, here is the queue.

She joins the queue, starts waiting... suddenly, she hears a horrible scream.

\- What was that? - she asks a nearby angel.

\- Well, a new soul is being converted into an angel, so they drill ho...

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?

Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.

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What do you get when you combine two Japanese demons?

A two-eyed onion.

I stretch daily to squeeze the demons out of my blood.

It's the only way I know how to exorcise.

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One time a demon showed her daughter how to use a tampon

It was an excellent demonstruation

Putin dies and goes to hell.

He's met by the devil, who explains to him that he will be shown three different floors and he has to choose which one to spend eternity in.

The devil takes Putin to the first floor where everyone is standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Anytime someone started to tip or fall over, litt...

What do you call it when two unspeakably awful demons compete to see which is the most evil?

The 2016 election.

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A man dies and goes to hell.

Upon getting there, he's greeted by a demon:

"Hello, welcome to Hell. You pick a country's torture room to spend the eternity inside."

The man walks down a road-like hall and sees many hellish rooms: Japan's torture room was a high-tech furnace-like room maintaned by several demons, Au...

A pious woman was possessed by a demon

She went to her priest, desperate to relieve herself of this burden. After a few silent rituals, she was rid of the demon. As she was exiting though, the priest extended his hand, signifying he was due payment. The woman replied, "Oh, but father, I have no money!"

She was repossessed.

An EA developer dies and gets do decide if wheather he wants to go to heaven or to hell.

First, he checks out heaven and sees that it's pretty standard stuff, angels, clouds, peace, but nothing really interesting.

Then he checks out hell. Really cool parties going on all over the place, infinite amount of drinks and drugs, beautiful women everywhere.

Obviously, he chooses ...

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A man dies and goes to hell..

When he reaches hell he is stopped by the Devil. The devil tells him that, because this man was such a sonofabitch, and the Devil was genuinely impressed by his sonofabitchery, he would let the man choose what his punishment would be for the rest of eternity. The Devil leads the man to the dungeon...

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A man who abuses women goes to hell.

When he gets there, there's a row of giant demons with 18 inch dicks. A voice says "please proceed forward. Stop at every demon. When you get to the end you will be judged." So he goes to the first demon who proceeds to fuck him in the ass. The demon punches him in the face when it's over. He proce...

So to celebrate the Halloween season...

... I was going to go to a 200 year old building that was apparently set up with shriveled up old corpses, dangerous bandits, bloodsucking vampires, hellbent soulless demons, and the like. But it turns out the Capitol Building is closed for tours until a budget resolution is reached.

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The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

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