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Dangerous Jokes

What is the most dangerous position in chess?

C4

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...

What’s more dangerous than running with scissors?

Two girls scissoring with the runs.

What is the most dangerous type of canoes?

Volcanoes

How are snakes dangerous?

They can’t even walk

Why are firemen dangerous?

Because they always carry a pair of firearms.

Cigarette warnings should also include how dangerous it is just going to purchase a package...

My dad left 19 years ago to buy some and he still hasn't made it back.

Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
The Queen is more powerful than the King.
The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

I've heard rumors acid is dangerous.

Pretty sure they are baseless though.

Most people think amputees are dangerous

But they’re armless

Why do people think getting road head is so dangerous?

It doesn’t make it any harder to drive this bus.

The Dangerous Pilot

A professional photographer is assigned to cover some of the wildfires that have been rampaging across a national park. His editor tells him to try to get some closeups of the fire fighters that are battling the wildfires.

When he gets to the forest, the photographer discovers thick smoke wh...

Is sodium just as dangerous as francium in water?

Na not really

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.
...

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!

So he turns on his lights
and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five
old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the
back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him,
"Officer, I don't understand, I was ...

It’s statistically proven that having a ladder in your home is more dangerous than a loaded gun

that’s why I have 12 guns in case some maniac tries to sneak a ladder in here

Im not going to vaccinate my kids because its too dangerous

Id rather the doctors do it to ensure its done right

Taking astrology seriously is dangerous for your health

It has a one in twelve chance of giving you Cancer.

Sounds are very dangerous, you know?

If you listen to high frequencies, it really Herz.

Given the current climate, Saudi Arabia is a dangerous place to visit

I won’t beheading there anytime soon.

Most people think rattlesnakes and cobras are very dangerous...

but really, they're completely armless.

I survived the most dangerous place in America...

And all I got was this lousy diploma

The most dangerous place in the world is Gunpoint.

I'm always hearing about it in the news, robbed or kidnapped at Gunpoint. Crazy.

NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to sent to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip

Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go.

"One million dollars," replied the engineer, "and I want it donated to my alma mater, Rice University."

The inter...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is aural sex so dangerous?

It can give you Hearing AIDS

A cop stops a motorist. "Sir, you were playing a trombone while driving. Do you know how dangerous that is?!"

"No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll fake it."

One of my coworkers got fired for putting dangerous substances in the products.

I don’t think it was completely his fault though. He did asbestos he could.

I still 100% stand behind Alec Baldwin..

Standing in front of him is too dangerous.

you know whose divorce will be most dangerous

Nuclear physicist coz the judge will split his assets..

Leafblowers are dangerous

Be careful! If you point a leaf blower upwards, it blows up.

Why is grass so dangerous?

Because it's full of blades.

*bad dum tss*

Why are ninja farts so dangerous?

Because they are silent but deadly.

What's yellow and dangerous

Shark infested custard

What is the most dangerous job in Russia?

Opposition party leader.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dangerous trick

Circus. The most popular and dangerous trick, guy put his penis in crocodile's mouth, croc shuts his mouth, the guy hits croc on the head, croc opens up his mouth and guy takes his penis unharmed, everybody applaud!

Than guy asks the audience:
if you can do it, I'll pay anybody $1000!!!!...

[Nsfw] Why are incels so dangerous?

Because you never see them coming.

Too dangerous

There *used* to be a street called "Chuck Norris".



They had to build a bridge, and finally rename the street. No one crossed Chuck Norris and lived.

Getting a bull stoned is dangerous business

The steaks are high

How do you call a dangerous neighbourhood in Italy

"SpaGetto"

When are riptides dangerous?

Currently

What’s the most dangerous type of alcohol?

Scotch.

It’s very whiskey.

Why was the flower so dangerous?

It had a concealed pistil.

My magnesium levels in blood have dropped down to dangerous levels!!!!

0mg!!

A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board...

She decides to report it to the pilot immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!"

The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One..."

Who was the most dangerous president?

Ronald Ray-gun

Why don’t dangerous criminals ever take photos of themselves?

Because they pose a threat

Dihydrogen monoxide is a dangerous chemical!

It leaves two many aching!

What’s the most dangerous part of a car?

The nut that holds the steering wheel.

Three friends, a turtle, a mole and a bear are drafted and have to join the army.

But neither of them want to go, so they need to provide medical proof why they can’t join.

“It’s easy for me”, says the turtle “I am slow.”He enters the examination room and when he comes out, he happily tells his friend that he is in fact too slow.

“Well”, says the mole next, “I am ...

What's the most dangerous thing a flat-earter can do?

Living life on the edge.

I know it's dangerous to steal from a kitchen supply store...

But when you've got cakes to bake, that's the whisk you take.

What is the most dangerous vegetable?

Bruce Leek.

Women's hockey is the most dangerous sport...

Twelve women, three periods each.

Diving is a dangerous industry.

It should be regulated.

Dangerous dating

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

Tightrope walkers do really dangerous things.

They put their lives on the line!

What's the most dangerous job in Northern Ireland?

Valet.

A dangerous pun...

Two Mexicans got lost in the desert.

Juan says to Miguel.

'look, Miguel, it is a bacon tree!'

'Don't be silly Juan it is a mirage, do not waste your energy!'

'miguel, I am so thirsty and hungry I must go and investigate,'

As Juan approaches two men jump out and sho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lo...

A police officer was assigned to hunt a dangerous cannibal on his first day on the job

All the more seasoned officers had already been eaten

Avoid dangerous cults.

Practice safe sects.

What weighs 6 ounces, sits on a tree, and highly dangerous

A sparrow with a machine gun

What's long, black, and dangerous to cut?

The line at KFC.

What is dangerous?

Sneezing while having diarrhea!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I would never vaccinate my kids. That is unnatural, dangerous, pointless, expensive and reckless.

I'd take them to the doctor to vaccinate them instead

Lighting your farts can be dangerous..

..but the risk is "Just a fire ball"

In a dangerous situation, I'd always put my children first.

I do this because I have a crippling habit of hiding behind my mistakes.

Who is the most dangerous person to gamble with?

A beef rancher because they always raise the steaks

Why is it dangerous to have more than one violin in your house?

Because it leads to domestic violins.

(From my 9 year old...)

I'll tell you what's a dangerous insect...

....That Hepatitis Bee

Deep sea diving is so dangerous.

I just can’t fathom it.

What do you call a dangerous precipitation?

Rain of terror

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the most dangerous race in the world?

The Dakar Rally, you racist motherfuckers.

The republicans are right: It is a very dangerous precedent

Edit: Misspelled President.

leaf blowers are dangerous in battle

i hear they’re leaf-al

Distracted driving can be very dangerous

It can hit you when you leas

What’s way more dangerous than people think?

Living. It’s always fatal

A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar.

The barman says "why the long phase?"

How to get revenge on your dangerous mexican boss

Steal his anxiety medication that stops hispanic attacks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex can be really dangerous

You can get Herpes, Chlamydia, HIV or even worse.... a relationship.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian walks into a US bar...

...with a crocodile under his arm. The bartender takes one look and says, "Hey! You can't bring that dangerous animal in here!"

"Dangerous? That ridiculous!" the Aussie proclaims. "Watch this!"

He places the croc on a table and grabs a nearby newspaper, rolling it up. He hits t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

Beware Dangerous Dog!

On the door of the general store, a customer noticed the sign DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! He carefully entered the store, but once inside all he saw was a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. He asked the store manager, “Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”...

Restaurant toilets are so dangerous!

So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!

Apparently scarves are the most dangerous form of winter clothing.

The least dangerous are sweater vests. They’re completely armless

Fitbit has recalled its Ionic smart watch, after finding out the battery can dangerously overheat

They admitted, this isn't what you're after when you're told to feel the burn.

Why is it dangerous to listen to too much Queen?

Because of its high Mercury content.

Did you hear about the dangerous deadly virus in China?

It's called communism

Who is D.C. Movies most dangerous villain?

Mr. Reboot

I ate a dangerous amount of Mexican food

After which Poseidon gave me a rimjob in the toilet.

What is the most dangerous animal in the world?

A sneezing bat!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it dangerous to walk in a dog park at night?

Because you can’t see shit.

What's more dangerous than a serial killer?

A parallel killer.

Why do all astronauts use a mac?

Because its dangerous to open windows in space.

What's more dangerous than a pit bull with AIDS?

The guy who gave him AIDS.

Why was the bathroom play set considered dangerous?

Because the toilet things on fire.

A blonde sees a cow with no horns...

...so she asks the farmer, "Excuse me, but why wouldn't a cow have any horns?"

The farmer replies, "Well, ma'am, there are several reasons a cow might not have horns. Firstly, some breeds just don't have horns. Another reason is sometimes we cut them off when a cow gets too rambunctious and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I was awakened with oral sex

.It is dangerous to sleep with your mouth open on the subway.

Earth is the most dangerous planet

100% of humans die there

What does Canada do with all their hardened and dangerous criminals?

They give them hockey jerseys and call them our National Hockey Team

Why are submarines more dangerous than regular ships?

They're built with sub-standard materials.

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