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Contraceptive Jokes

I asked for the cheapest contraceptive.

They gave me a laxative.

What is the best male contraceptive?

An empty wallet.

How do you describe an astonishing contraceptive?

Inconceivable!

My contraceptive method is 100 percent effective.

I just use my personality.

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A new mint flavored contraceptive taken before sex...

called Predickamints.

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Oral contraceptive

I recently had an experience with oral contraceptives. I asked a woman if she would like have sex with me. She said, "No".

I just came out with a new male contraceptive device...

It's a rock you stick in your shoe and it makes you limp.

I tried to visit the contraceptive museum

But they wouldn't let me come inside.

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Why don't fortune tellers use contraceptives?

They have crystal balls and can see it coming.

They've just discovered that an aspirin tablet makes a great contraceptive...

Of course, the gal needs to hold it tightly between her knees.

House republicans couldn't agree on contraceptive coverage...

... so they just pulled out instead.

What is the best contraceptive for old people?

Nudity

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I'm a firm believer of traditional wisdom. So I use the world's first and most effective contraceptive there is,

Being really fucking ugly.

The Welsh have been using sheep intestine as a contraceptive for hundreds of years.

It is only recently that they have decided to take the intestine out of the sheep.

If you don't use contraceptives.

Then you've got nuttin to worry about.

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Why did the contraceptive fly across the room?

It got pissed off.

.

(I'll get my coat...)

In a pinch, you can cut the fingers off of rubber gloves and use each of them as a contraceptive.

Just a handy tip.

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It's a fair notion to suggest that I'm quite keen on oral contraceptives.

I asked a girl to have sex with my one night.

She said "No."

An elderly woman goes to the pharmacy and asks for contraceptives

The pharmacist is confused and asks why she would need them.
She replies "they help me sleep at night."
The pharmacist asks "how so?"
"When I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning I sleep better at night."

Mom's Never Wrong

**Me** : Mom, I'm going to my Girlfriend's house !

**Mom** : Get a Safety Along ! Use contraceptives ;-)

**Me** : Mom, I', Just 15 !

**Mom** : And I'm Just 30 !!!

Dinner With the Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that, after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never been with a wom...

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A young girl started work in the village chemist shop.

She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would
be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers do...

Did you know the Scottish invented condoms?

They would use the intestines of sheep as a contraceptive.
The English then refined the idea by taking the intestines out of the sheep first.

Two girls in a Catholic convent school.

One whispers to the other: "There's a contraceptive hidden behind the radiator!"

The other whispers back: "What's a radiator?"

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