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Conference Jokes

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

“Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”

He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”

When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”

“Very good,” she replies.

“And what happened to my present?...

Trump received a conference call from his Top General in Iraq.

General: "This morning, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

Trump's face went Egg shell White. The blood left his face and to every ones amazement he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed and to every ones relief President Trump sat back on his chair

His staff was nothing less t...

So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers...

... and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them.

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll ...

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are you going to travel with only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and...

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give t...

On the way to a conference, a revered scientist is talking to his chauffeur

The driver asks him:

"–Boss, I've driven you around the country for over 10 years. I've listened to your talks, hundreds of times. I am pretty sure I know everything by heart now. Would you like to make a bet?

—What kind of bet?

—We look alike. You've never talked in this city. ...

My coworker just found out she won’t be able to attend next week’s Innuendo Conference…

I guess I’ll have to fill her slot instead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Parent Teacher conference

A boy tells his father, "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."



The father asks, "What happened?"

"Well she asks me, 'how much is 7 \* 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 \* 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'"

"Indeed, what is the difference?" a...

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There are three software engineers who find themselves needing a piss at their annual conference.

First one goes in, has his piss, comes out and after washing his hands he grabs a towel to dry them. And another, and another. Soon the bin is overflowing with used towels, but his hands are perfectly dry.
"At IBM, they teach us to be thorough"

Second one goes in, has his piss, comes out...

At a university there was a dean who cared about others and showed exemplary behavior. One day an angel appeared at a faculty conference.

The angel said as a reward for his good deeds that God would give him his choice of eternal riches, eternal wisdom, or eternal beauty.

The dean chose eternal wisdom without hesitation.

"Good," said the angel, disappearing into a cloud of smoke.

Everyone present turned their gaze...

It was to be the biggest scientific press conference of the decade.

Geneticist Rick Hallorann spoke to the crowds of reporters, camera flashes illuminating his face.

"The time has finally come for the first human cloning experiment to be performed," he began. "The technology for us to clone humans has been around since the eighties - but only now, after plent...

Dog training conference

At a dog training conference, a trainer boasts that he can train a dog to do anything. To illustrate this, he brings onto the stage a German Shepherd and claims that he's taught it Morse code.

One of the audience shouts out "Prove it!".

He gives the dog a nod, and it walks over to ...

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

With the international mathematics conference in town, the bars around the convention center were hopping.

As was her custom, the evening manager was going from table to table greeting her guests. When she got to the first table, there were eight mathematicians seated. Strange, she thought, since there were only six seats, but some of them were getting a bit frisky and were sitting on others' laps.
...

Joe Biden called a press conference, to discuss his meeting with Vladimir Putin…

“The good news, is that Mr Putin told me that he wants peace.”

After everyone cheered and clapped in relief, he added the bad news…

“A piece of Crimea, a piece of Ukraine, a piece of Finland…”

Trump in a conference

A reporter asked Trump, "What does the J stands for in Donald J Trump?"

Trump replied, "The J stands for Genius."

Elon Musk organized a press conference about his project to solve global warming

"I will build giant sunglasses"

Journalist raises her hand. "How does that stop the earth from warming up?"

"It makes it cool"

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What conference do fertility doctors go to?

Semen-ars

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An angel appeared before a conference of philosophers.

Everyone was shocked, especially considering many of them were atheists. At once, a debate raged about what to ask this supernatural entity.

Seeing the commotion, in a booming voice, the angel said, "I will return in one hour, at which time I will answer any one question with 100% certainty....

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An American and Japanese engineer meet at an industry conference.

During an industry conference an American Engineer and a Japanese Engineer are assigned the same hotel room. After a few drinks they become competitive and place a bet. Whoever can build the best paper boat would have their tab covered by the other.

They both ask for a piece of paper and make...

An elderly classical languages professor goes to Rome for a conference.

He hails a taxi as he leaves the airport, and the driver points to a sign saying "Tell driver your destination". The professor hesitates for a moment. He doesn't speak Italian, but doesn't want the driver to misunderstand his directions in English. Suddenly realizing that Italian is descended from L...

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A group of engineering professors board a plane to a conference...

After they are all seated in their row, the flight attendants announce that their students were the ones that built the plane they were sitting in. The professors jump out of their seats and run to the door in a panic. When they notice one professor stayed seated, they ask him "why are you so calm r...

During the annual cavemen conference ...

Greg : so I kept rubbing this rock against another rock until it became very thin and now I can cut vegetables,meat using this . I call this "The Knife" .

Chief Gogo : wow , I thought no-one can beat Gorg's invention of using wheat flour and water to create a new food called "bread" but yours...

A rabbi & a Catholic priest met at an interfaith conference

They decided to take a break for lunch together. While reading the menu, the priest asked a question.

"From what I know of your people Rabbi, you are not supposed to eat pork. Have you ever actually tried it?"

"Well, yes" said the rabbi "A couple of times. Now tell ME, Father- I've he...

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During a public school conference...

A teacher and set of parents make acquaintances and settle at a group of tables with the student.

The teacher asks the student, "So, are these your progenitors?"

The parents are horrified, and demand to know why the teacher would ask such a question.

The teacher responds, "I apo...

Greta thunberg began screaming,

“I will not fly private!” She said to her manager as they pulled into the parking lot.

“The conference is two days away and across the ocean, would you like to fly coach?” He replied.

“On a commercial airline produced by slave labor? I don’t think so!” She screamed.

Her manag...

North Korean international press conference

The North Korean representative starts:

\- I will have you know that in North Korea no one has died of hunger

\- No one has died of thirst, of cold or homelessness

The Russian representative:

\- have you tried polonium ?

The sheriff at the press conference said “we have a torso with no arms, legs, or head.”

“Frankly, we’re stumped.”

An international conference was being held..

In which USA, North Korea, Europe and Africa were taking part.

The judge said,"I would like to hear your opinions about shortage of food in the rest of the world, if you have any questions, please feel free to ask us".

African president asked, "What is food?".

Europe asked, "Wha...

North Korea will send man to Sun in 10 years

Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"

There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.

Then Kim Jong-un quietly answer...

A man is speaking at a conference

A man is speaking at a multi lingual conference.
He asks, "can everyone see me?"

The Englishman says "Yes"

The Frenchman says "Oui"

The Spaniard says "Si"

And the German says "Ja"

Three engineers and three lawyers go to a conference

Three engineers and three lawyers go to a conference. They have a fixed budget and may keep everything they do not spend. The lawyers purchase three train tickets, the engineers only one. When asked about this, the engineers just say: "Wait, and see". In the train, when they see the conductor getti...

At a conference for the arcane and supernatural...

The speaker is interested in the supernatural experiences that the audience members may have been through. "Raise your hand if you have ever seen a ghost" About 80% of the audience raises their hand. "Great" says the speaker "now keep your hand raised if you have spoken to a ghost" Half of them low...

What do you call a parent-teacher conference where the teacher is invisible?

a transparent teacher conference.

Nine out of ten doctors signed up for a conference

The Tenth Doctor didn't want to go

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

Th...

Albert Einstein was running 20 minutes late as a guest speaker at a science conference.

He finally arrived apologizing profusely.

Einstein: "I am so terribly sorry you all had to wait. Anyway, here's my presentation."

Host: "It's about time."

Einstein: "And space!"

I went to my son’s parent teacher conference today

An unkept older man walked out and yelled to me I can go in after the trans.

I was mortified. I started saying in this day and age anyone can be whoever they want. It’s disgusting people like you who make this world a horrible place.

That’s when I saw the Vietnamese family walk out. ...

What's the difference between a a Shakespeare play and a Trump-era White House press conference?

One is The Taming of the Shrew.

The other is the shaming of the true.

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Why did Trump hold his press conference at the 4-seasons garden centre, between a sex shop and a crematorium?

Because he was between a cock and a charred place.

A Conference of Blondes

One day, all the blondes in America got fed up about being mocked for their lack of intelligence. Therefore, they decided to hold the first annual "Blondes Are Not Dumb" conference to show the world that they were not actually dumb. To that end, they invited the local professor on stage and selected...

At this mornings press conference, Ron Desantis announced that the state of Florida will be outlawing the consumption and distribution of coffee.

He went on to condemn the beverage as a tool of the WOKE agenda.

Train ride to the conference [long]

So there's a big mathematical physics conference in London, and all the grad students from the University of Leeds maths (UKism for math) and physics departments all travel down to attend.

The physicists all queue up and get their tickets. The maths students buy one ticket between them. T...

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Shizo Abe, Narendra Modi and Vladimir Putin are driving to an important conference.

It's nighttime and suddenly, their car breaks down in the middle of the countryside. They find shelter at a farm, the farmer offers them to sleep at his place but warns them: "I only have two spare beds, one of you will have to sleep in the barn. It's quite warm in there, but there are a deer and a ...

Two physicists and two mathematicians are invited to a conference at university

(You may think you’ve heard this before but I’ve got a twist on the ending)

The four guys meet up and find a train to the conference.

At the train station, the physicists buy two tickets each, but the mathematicians only buy one.

They board the train and begin talking, but when...

At the statisticians’ conference

”Look at that pervert. He doesn’t settle for just standard deviation.”

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are all attending a conference.

By chance they wind up staying on the same floor of a certain hotel.

Late that evening, the engineer is awoken by the smell of smoke. He steps into the hallway and sees a small fire. Thinking quick, he dumps out his wastepaper basket, fills it with water, and douses the flames. Satisfied, he...

At the World Women's Conference...

At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up:
"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After ...

Electromagnetism conference

I used my friend Michael's identity to enter an electromagnetism conference.

I was Michael for a day.



PS: my first oc joke, please be kind.

A man collapses at a conference.

As he hits the floor someone yells out "is there a doctor in the house?"

When nobody else volunteers, a young lady responds: "I'm not a doctor, but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night." After checking the man's vitals she realizes he only speaks spanish. "Is there a Spanish speak...

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Conference calls are like emails

So just send a FUCKING EMAIL

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I went to a conference on premature ejaculation the other week...

Got there 5 minutes early but the conference had already finished.

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Two FBI agents who knew sensitive classified info went to a conference in Russia...

Turns out, the conference was really long and *really* boring; almost to the point the agents got mad, so when it was over, they decided to go to a nearby nightclub for some drinks and fun.

They had just ordered their drinks and started drinking up when two incredibly gorgeous Russian women c...

You are invited to the Psychics conference

You know where, you know when and we know you're attending.

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At a conference a sex therapist was discussing his book Sex in a Marriage

The therapist asked the audience “how many couples have sex daily” about 20% of the audience raised their hands

then he asked “how many couples have sex weekly”about 30% raised their hands

then he asked “how many couples have sex monthly” the remaining audience raised their hands
...

A man went to a conference in a rural town. On the way back, his car broke down.

Looking around, he saw a monastery sitting on a hill. He decided to ask to stay the night. The monks were welcoming and gave him a room to stay in. In the middle of the night, the man woke to hear strange, beautiful, haunting music. It captivated him. He lay still, crying for the whole hour in which...

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Why did King Arthur participate in so many video conferences?

Because he likes to be on cam a lot.

Why does NASA offer sprite at their conferences?

Because they couldn't get 7 up

At an international medical conference:

A British doctor brags to colleagues: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we removed a man's backbone, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for work."

The German surgeon replies; “In Germany we removed a section of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he too i...

A speaker arrives in a small town for a conference...

A speaker arrives in a small town for a conference, and checks into his hotel. Having caught laryngitis a few days before, he sets out down Main St. looking for a doctor's office. It's a small town on a Friday afternoon so he is worried he won't find anyone to treat him, and that he won't be able ...

After watching Rudy Giuliani press conference it's safe to say....

He is definitely Donald Trump's ride or dye.

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At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency

"Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this."

"The truth is," replied the Politician, "That she has a big mouth."

What do you call a Dumb Blonde in a press conference.

Donald Trump.

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The International Synesthesia Conference

I bumped into my friend at the International Synesthesia Conference. All he could talk about was this amazing bakery he passed on his way to the event.

"The smells! They were... magnificent... orgasmic!" he exclaimed. "Let's step up to the roof! I bet we could smell it from here!"

Aft...

An Englishman meets a Dutchman at a business conference.

Surprisingly, the Dutchman speaks hardly a word of English, and rather less surprisingly, the Englishman doesn't speak very much Dutch. However, they bond over several beers and try to hold a friendly conversation with the few words they have in common, and after a while the Englishman manages to ge...

It’s been a nightmare trying to find a keynote speaker for our first ever Impostor Syndrome conference..

Everyone I’ve asked has told me that they don’t deserve to be there.

I had an after-hours video conference with 16 colleagues last week.

Everyone was drinking and having a good time sharing stories and unwinding. We played never have I ever. One of my female coworkers asked if people had ever gone out without a bra on. As a man, I thought for a moment and raised my glass with the rest of my female colleagues.

They laughed.
...

The International Flat Earth Society Annual Conference was going to be held on Zoom this year.

Unfortunately they all agreed on the same start time.

A conference call

is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times.

Rudy Giuliani set major press conference at Four Season landscaping instead of Four Seasons Hotel.

Really, does there have to be a punchline?

The Police Officer fronted the press conference...

“A major incident happened at the Goodsprings Buddhism and Yoga Retreat this morning. To put it frankly, it was a bloodbath,” explained the Commissioner.

A sea of hands go up from the journalists.

“When did this happen, and why?” asked the first.

The Commission replied “Pr...

We are holding our annual social anxiety conference this weekend.

We hope to have more than 1 person show up this year.

What do you call a quick video-conference at the Mazda factory?

A zoom-zoom zoom Zoom.

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True Story, conference speakers tale.

3 day conference wednesday to friday, 9-6pm, 60 speakers, several hundred in attendance. Our guy draws the 5pm friday slot.
Walks in 5 mins before as the crowd is emptying out from the previous talk. Starts setting up the computer, looks up, just one guy left sitting in the front, rest of the ha...

My parents got called into a conference with my math teacher

I wasn’t submitting homework and I was skipping questions on my tests. It’s no problem though; I’m in the clear. They explained to him that we are atheists so he can’t make me solve exponential functions due to the fact we don’t believe in higher powers.

After a long day at a conference a group of weary professionals met up at a famous bar.

After much discussion of the awesome array of gins, vodkas, whiskeys, wines, imported beers and ales, everybody ordered alcohol except for one guy. He ordered a cup of coffee.

One of his companions asked him "no offense, but why aren't you drinking?" The coffee drinker said, "I'm a recover...

The English letters were having their annual conference

The English letters were having their annual conference led by A.

A: 'This year's main agenda is to find replacements for letters that have similar upper and lower case letters to avoid confusion. We will begin with the letter C'

C: 'Why does it has to start with me?'

A: 'Beca...

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Did you hear that the Trump press conference today was held between landscaping store and a porno shop?

Turns out, he was just looking for a new hoe.

...ugh, I know this is terrible. Must do better.

Like, something something Bushwhacked.

'little help?

I went to the annual stargazing conference yesterday....

...the turnout was astronomical.

Stalin, Churchill, and Roosevelt are at the Yalta Conference.

Stalin sees that Churchill is constantly writing something in his notebook. Curious, he asks:

"Winston, what are you writing in that notebook?"

"Oh, that's where I write jokes about me. Whenever I hear a joke where I'm mentioned by my name, I write it down. I'm on my second notebook."<...

Terrorists have taken >500 hostages at the Bar Association annual conference

Unless their demands are met, they'll release one lawyer every hour.

North Korea: Kim Jong-Un announced at a news conference that North Korea would be landing a man on the sun within 10 years.

A startled reporter shouted, “But the sun is thousands of degrees
Celsius. No one can get within 10 million miles of the sun!”

The audience was stunned at the reporter's brazen challenge and the room
fell into a long silence. But instead of having the
reporter arrested, Kim calmly re...

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I feel like Rudy Giuliani's press conference at a landscaping company between a dildo store and a crematorium is still relevant because...

Trump's effort to overturn the election is somewhere between fucked and dead.

Putin is at a press conference...

Reporter: Good day, I'm John Smith from the Coca-Cola company. Mr president I have a question. You've been trying to get the old times back, and bringing the good old communism back.

Putin: Communism bring back russia, yes

Reporter:Why don't you also bring the old red flag back? And m...

A group of generals has a conference to see how they shall deal with a particularly troublesome guerilla fighter.

They have intel that the man is holed up at the top of a mountain in thick forest, and make plans to storm his secret base. They draw up plans, counterplans, contingency plans. They make plans for if they execute the plans made for if their plans fail, only to find out that their original plans succ...

An international conference was held to decide what the most annoying musical instrument was.

After intense debate, a shortlist of instruments was created, consisting of the bagpipes, didgeridoo, and vuvuzela, but before a vote was held it was decided that the exact origin of each instrument had to be accounted accounted for beyond any doubt.

The didgeridoo's origin was easily proven,...

So sad that EA won't have a conference at E3 this year.

Now who am I going to laugh at?

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I was going to go to the Psychics Conference.

But it was closed due to unforeseen circumstances.

What do you say when you're in a video conference, and say something completely irrelevant?



Oh sorry: I was on moot.

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