UPJOKE
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11 Jokes

Tomorrow’s date will be 11/11

Unless you’re from the UK, in which case it’ll be 11/11

A joke from my 8 year old......Did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same?

10+10=twenty
11+11=twenty too

11 Minutes

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer ...

Without Arabs, we wouldn't have 9/11.

We'd have IX/XI instead.

Whats the problem with 9/11 jokes

they're two plane

11:38 - Arrived at crime scene.

11:38 - Examined body. Signs of a struggle.

11:38 - Found murder weapon in drain.

11:38 - Realised watch was broken.

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Two 9/11 conspiracy theorists are in a plane when it crashes

An instant later they find themselves in the afterlife, being judged by Almighty God Himself.

One falls to his knees, "I deplore you, all-powerful Creator of the universe! Before you judge me, I humbly beg you, reveal who was behind the September 11 attacks!"

God sighs. "Muslim extremi...

Why are 9/11 victims the best readers?

They can go through 94 stories in seconds!

Did you know 2 x 10 is the same as 2 x 11?

**One is twenty, and the other is twenty too!**

Edit: RIP Inbox. We hardly knew ye.
First front page ever! Woo!

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A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into th...

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My 11 yo just made this up....

If grasshoppers eat grass, what do cockroaches eat?

why is everyone posting about 9/11?

It's still 2 months away.

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow?

Can't milk a cow for 21 years.

(from my 11 yo) What does Darth Vader say after cutting someone's head off with a lightsaber?

"I find your lack of face disturbing."

My 11 son asked me If you see an Apple store getting robbed....

Does that make you an Iwitness?

11 conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

Now, you can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.

Proof that 9/11 wasn't a government plot:

It worked.

What did 11 say to 4, 9, and 25?

You're all a bunch of squares.

A new study shows that 11 out of 5 people are bad at fractions.

This looks like a math joke until you find out the other 4 people are Mike, Dustin, Lucas and Will.

my grandfather downed 11 German fighter planes in WWII

Worst mechanic in the luftwaffe

9/11 Threesome.

When twins go down on you.

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11 Reasons To Go To Work Naked

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. Inventive way to finally meet that hunk in Human Resources.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
5. To stop tho...

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R Kelly found guilty of 11 counts of sexual assault

Or 18, if you ask him to do the maths

For a change of pace, here's a limerick; "( (12 + 144 + 20 + 3 Sqrt[4]) / 7 ) + 5*11 = 9^2 + 0"

Sorry, did that not make any sense?

How about -

>"A dozen, a gross, and a score,
>
>plus three times the square root of four,
>
>divided by seven,
>
>plus five times eleven,
>
>is nine squared and not a bit more."

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If u sit in the toilet to take a poop at 11:58pm and your still there till 12:03 am

Is it The same shit different day?

I have 11 New Year Resolutions...

* Never make resolutions
* Be accepting of paradoxes
* Use the binary number system more often

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve.

"Guess how old I'm going to be next month."

"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses.
"How old?"

She smiled and held up four fingers.

It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hou...

11 People on a rope

11 people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.

10 men and 1 woman

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave.

Because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a...

It was 11 years ago today that my pal Joey came running out of that room shouting “it’s a boy” “it’s a boy” with tears streaming down his face.

We never went back to Thailand.

My 11 yr old got me with this one.

What does a dog do that humans step into?

Pants

Why does Peter Paker only have 11 months on his calendar?

Because he lost May.

Courtesy of my 11 yr old: why don't you give Elsa a balloon?

Because she will just let it go.

What is 11..11..11..11..11..11..11..11?



Spanish Dubstep.

Courtesy of my 11-year-old: Dad, what's the difference between a humorous reference and an imaginary bread?

One is a wry allusion and the other is a rye illusion.

I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11.

It was just a spare, I guess.

My 11 year old Niece told me this joke today.

A dad is driving his three kids to school. The first kid asks, "Dad, why did you call me blossom?" The dad answered, "when you were born and we left the hospital, a leaf fell from a blossom tree. So we called you blossom."

The second kid then asks, "why did you call me Daisy?" The dad answere...

Hey girl, is your atomic number 11?

Because you're sodium fine.

11-year old Johnny had a teacher who was very pretty and nice...

And he had a developed a big crush on her. One day the teacher asked, "Johnny, why are you doing so poorly in you schoolwork lately?"

"Because I'm in love." Johnny said, dreamily.

"Who are you in love with?" Teacher asked while she tried hard to hold back a smile.

"It's you." Jo...

Why did the mathematician buy a 7-11?

Because it was prime real estate

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59 PM and the clock struck midnight....

I thought to myself, "Same shit, different day"

A boy calls 9-11.

"9-11 what is your emergency?"

The boy replied, "My parents are fighting and I'm scared.."

"Well who's your father?"

"Well that's what they're fighting about."

A son was arguing with his dad, insisting that 1+1 equals 11

The father then looked at his son's eyes and said:

-Right, then go and buy 2 popsicles!

His son then goes and buys 2 popsicles.

Then, his dad said:

-Now give me one and the other to your brother!

Son asks:

-What about mine?

Father answers:

-You...

What Book Has Four Chapter 11’s?

Trump: The Art of the Deal

Chinese takeout: $11.95

Gas to get there and back: $2.58

Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless

A bear walks into a 7/11 He gets a 12 pack and walks up to the clerk and says "I'll take these."

The clerk is stunned, so he heads to the back to speak with the owner. "Hey boss" he says, "there's a bear asking for a beer." The owner pauses for a second, then replies "Well then sell it to him, but charge him double. Bears don't know the price of beer." So the clerk heads back out front and sell...

As part of the merger, the PGA will control holes 1-8 and 12-18.

The Saudis do 9-11.

Crypto exchange FTX goes to Chapter 11...

With a CEO called **Bankman-Fried**, it was to be expected

11 Blondes and a brunette

There are 12 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 11 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a...

What's 6 inches long and hasn't been sucked in 11 years?

Whitney Houston's crackpipe

LPT: If you are planning to settle down, don’t date a soccer player.

There’s only a 1/11 chance they are a keeper.

11 sodium molecules walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Hey Jude!"

People are just now upgrading to Windows 11?

Really? I'm already on 98. Why are you all so far behind?

9/11 jokes never hit right

They always fall flat

10 out of 11 medical students failed in their medical exams.

In the end, 9 of them recommended the same thing..

Colgate

7/11 isn't giving out free slurpees this year!!

Instead of offering free slurpees they will be offering discounted gas at a price of $7.11

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One time I didn't masturbate for 11 years...

and then I turned 12.

There are 11 types of people

01- Those who understand binary

10- Those who don't

11- those who write bad jokes on binary

*I'll see myself out*

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I have an 11 inch penis.

I'm 1100100% serious.

~11 year old joke, but I still think it's funny: What's the national bird of Afghanistan?

*"DUCK!!"*

A mathematician comes home at three in the morning.

His wife has been waiting for him and says angrily, "You're late. You said you'd be home at 11:45!"

"Actually," the mathematician replies, "I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

At 11:59:54 AM at NASA:

6...

5...

4...

3...

2...

1...

Lunch.

At 11:55 PM, a cop drives by a park, and sees a single car with the lights off...

He taps on the window, and finds two kids inside: a girl knitting and a boy reading a book. After a second, the boy looks up.

"Evening officer."

"What are you kids doing?" the cop demands, "How old are you two?"

"I'm reading," says the boy, "and I'm twenty." He points to the gi...

George Bush started cracking a 9/11 joke, but one of his advisors whispered, “Too soon.”

It was September 10th.

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It’s No Nut November and we’re accepting bets until 11/11.

“Step right up and ‘come’ on in! Go make a bet on any male candidate. Claim your prize after No Nut November ends., but ONLY if the candidate don’t nut. It’s $69 per ticket!
Double your winnings if they don’t nut for the next week!”

With semenly impossible odds, this is a good way to net...

My friend and I bumped into Arnold Schwarzenegger. As fans we asked a lot of questions and ended up asking if he's going to upgrade to Windows 11...

He said, "I still love Vista, baby!"

I don’t like making 9/11 jokes

Because they usually crash and burn

Just been speaking to a mate of mine, he's just seen the Chernobyl documentary.

He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980's and was able to count at least 11 historical inaccuracies on one hand.

My 11 y/o brother told me this

What is pickle bread before its baked?

Dill dough

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(At court) Me: Your honor, between the hours of 10 pm and 11 pm, I was having sex.

Judge: Who the hell are you? You are not even in this trial.

Me: I know. I just want it on the record.

Today is 9/11-NEVER FORGET

Oh, my bad---Too soon.

What's the difference between 7/11 and 9/11?

One is a part-time job the other an inside

What size soda does Kim Jong-Un buy at 7-11?

A supreme liter.

My 11 year old niece came up with this one:

What is a priests favorite fruit ?
Cant-elope

I always say if I'm not in bed by 11:00

I go home.

Today's date is 7/11

which is convenient.

9/11

No joke, but a couple thousand people fell for it

What's DJ Khaleds favourite number?

11 because it has another 1.

To the person who lost their iPhone 11...

Please stop calling my new phone.

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.

Account balance: $9.11

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