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Potato Jokes

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I work in a factory that makes McDonalds french fries...

One of co-workers told me yesterday that he's always wanted to put his dick in the Potato Peeler. I tried to talk him out of it, but I could tell he had already made his mind up to do it. I saw him today; he was clearing out his desk. "So you went ahead and did it?" "Yeah, and I got caught, so they ...

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An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,


I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.


Love Dad.
\~\~\...

My mom wrote this joke: What's the difference between a sweet potato fresh out of the oven and a pig thrown off a balcony?

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham

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Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”

“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! An...

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What do you call a potato that looks like a penis?

A dictator.


What do you call a regular looking potato?

A commentator.


There are two potatoes standing on the side of the road, how do you tell which one is the hooker?

The one that says Idaho on it.

Did you hear they're remaking The Princess Bride with an all-potato cast?

"Hello, my name is Idaho Montoya. You peeled my father. Prepare to fry."

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"TOMATO, POTATO, LETTUCES, GET YOUR VEGETABLES HERE!"

Shouted the man in the street, standing in front of boxes filled with vegetables trying to get people to buy them.

A woman then walks up to him and asks
"Can I have 4 tomatoes, 4 potatoes, and 4 onions please ?"

the man says to her: "well I am very sorry but we don't have any onion...

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

none

I've been trying to find an alarm clock made out of a potato...

...ever since I had a meeting with my boss about arriving late for work and he told me "Get a potato clock".

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater

The sweet potato was telling his mother he was going to marry Norah O'Donnell.

His mother was shocked and told him, "No. You can't do that. She's only a commentator."

What do you call a potato with no arms or legs?

An amputato.

What's the difference between a yam and a sweet potato?

2.99 a pound.

The potato and thevSpeedo

A man went to the beach looking to pick up girls but had no luck so one of the Italian guys told him to stick a large long potato down his Speedo swimsuit. So the next day he shows up at the beach and all the girls are running in terror and he doesn't know why but soon his Italian friend said you go...

What's the difference between a potato and a chickpea?

I've never paid to watch a potato.

Edit - Cheers for my first award, much obliged.

Guy goes to a costume party dressed in a Speedo with a potato in the front. He knocks on the door of the party and the host says what are you suppose to be?

He says, “I’m a dictator”

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

What do you call a potato wearing glasses?

A spectator.

What's more Irish than potatoes?

No potatoes

What do you call a potato with no feet?

5$ to the first person who guesses!

What did the potato chip say to the battery?

If you are Eveready I am Frito Lay

What style of potato chips does Santa Claus like best?

Kringle Cut

what is an Arabic ruler's favorite flavor of potato chips?

Sultan vinegar.

A potato dad is talking to his potato daughters about who they want to marry.

The first daughter says, "Dad, I want to marry a Yukon Gold!" The dad replies "Honey, that's a great idea. Yukon Golds are renowned for their versatility and will make you very happy.

The second daughter says, "Dad, I want to marry a russet." Dad approves of this choice too, since russet pot...

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A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute?

The one whose sack reads "Idaho"

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What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?

A Dictater.

What do you call a potato that hates women

A Pro-Tate-o

A scrawny teenage boy asks his muscular friend how he gets so many girls to sleep with him.

The muscular friend says, "Here's what you do: next time there's a party, get a large potato and stick it down your pants and act normal. You'll see - that'll turn you into a chick magnet."

A minute later, all the girls at the party run away from the scrawny kid, screaming and laughing and po...

What are Santa's favorite kind of potato chips?

Crisp Pringles

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what do you call a boat carrying penis shaped potatoes?

A dictatorship

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

A farm worker greets Josef Stalin at his potato farm...

“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.

“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”

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Choose a new password :

Choose a new password :

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password mu...

My friend told me he put a potato down his swim trunks and now the girls won't leave him alone

Didn't work for me. Apparently, you need to put it in the front.

I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids...

Apparently she left me two days ago.

Why does the tortilla chip always beat the potato chip in a debate?

The tortilla chip has a point.

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Can your dick touch your ass?

A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.

His father replies “well son, can your dick touch your ass?”

The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the bo...

What did the twice-baked potato say before it was put in the oven?

Damn, foiled again!

The Russian Potato Crop The Agricultural managers always have to report the yearly crop numbers to the Chairman, and they always lie a little to make themselves look good. But one year the potato crop is very bad.

The potatoes are small, and there aren't very many of them. But the managers tell the Chairman, "There are so many potatoes! We have made a huge mountain of them, that reaches all the way up to God." the Chairman says, "Don't be silly now, you know God doesn't really exist." The managers look at eac...

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A man goes home to his wife, after being fired from his job at a chips factory..

The wife acts surprised, because the man has been employee of the month for 13 months in a row.
She asks "What happened?"
"I got fired for putting my penis in the potato cutter. It's been a dream of mine, and I couldn't resist it anymore", the man replied.
The wife, even more surprised afte...

I love potato leek soup

So I'm gathering my ingredients and as I approach the leafy items in produce there are two blue hairs gabbing right in front of the leeks.

I pause politely while wide balling the ladies with gaping eyes.

"Uh, pardon me ladies but I must take a leek."

I know potato jokes have been made

I’m just here to rehash them

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A guy walks into a bar with an Ostrich

A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That wi...

I purchased a humble potato gun the other day.

Turned out it was a weapon of mashed destruction.

Former US Vice President of the US Dan Quayle spelled the word ‘potato’ with an ‘e’ in it.

There’s no ‘e’ in potato, just a bunch of ‘i’s.

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Two Russian women are foraging through a previously harvested potato field.

One is lucky to find two large spuds. She holds them up and says,

“Deez potatoes remind me of my husbands testicles”

The other replies,

“Oh my, are dey dat big?”

“NO, dey are dis dirty”

Why shouldn't potato be a part of a square meal?

Because It's a root vegetable

What do you call a potato that makes videos for the internet?

A YouTUBER.

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Everyone loves potato skins and french fries,

But nobody likes dick taters.

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Why did the penis potato imprison all of his dissenters?

Because he was a dick tater.

I told my mom I wanted to have a potato pasta for dinner. Her response?

Gnocchi dokey.

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What do you call a phallic shaped potato growing entirely above ground?

A rootless dick-tater

Why did Mr. Potato Head’s dry cleaning service go out of business?

He always used too much starch.

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Guy at the beach was surrounded by beautiful, horny women. They couldn’t keep their hands off of him! When he went to the bathroom, I walked up and asked his secret....he told me that he puts a potato in his swim trunks before coming to the beach.

So, the next day at the beach, I put a potato in my swim trunks but EVERYONE started to laugh at me!

The guy who told me his secret saw me and yelled:

“No! Put it in the *FRONT* of your trunks!”

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Three Beautiful Potatoes

Mr and Mrs Potato Head have three beautiful daughters. One night, they're gathered around the dinner table when the eldest daughter speaks up.

"Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you... I'm getting married!"

Mrs Potato Head looks at her "This is such a surprise! Who is he?"

The ...

How does a male potato chip mate with a female potato chip?

He Lay's on her.

Why did the potato start vlogging his day-to-day life?

He wanted to become a You Tuber.

A teenage potato brings her boyfriend home to meet the parents. "So, what do you do for work?" asks the inquisitive father potato. “Oh, I work for a TV company as a sportscaster." The father potato is furious and tells the boyfriend to leave immediately.

“Why did you do that daddy?!” shrieks the distraught daughter, eyes wide.

The father shouts, “I’m not having *my* daughter hanging around with a commentator!"

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What happens when you combine Putin and a potato.

You'll get a dicktator. And vodka

How do you make a potato leek soup?

Fill a potato with soup, then poke a hole in it.

Did you hear about that music band formed from ex potato chip workers?

They called themselves “panic at Nabisco”

Dad: Son, you know what? Back in my days, I walk in a store just with a single dollar and come home with a bag of potato chips and two chocolate bars.

Now they have cameras everywhere.

Why do bags of potato chips have so much less chips these days?

Inflation

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What do you call a boat full of penises and potatoes?

A dictatorship.



I actually told this joke to the lunch lady when I was in kindergarten, and she told it to the entire teachers lounge, so I became the Dick Joke Kid to all the teachers from age 6.

What do you call it when a potato takes over the world

A dictatership

What do you call a potato cutting Friar?

A Chip Monk.

I don't know whether there is a dumpling-shaped pasta made of potato flour, but I'll believe it when I see it.

You can say I'm agnocchic.

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I walked in on kim jong-un with his penis inside a jacket potato...

I didn't know what to say, I'd never seen a dick-tater before

Somebody asked if I like potato skins.

It was a loaded question!

What's the most annoying kind of potato?

An agitator

[nsfw] What did the amorous potato chip say to the battery?

If you're ever ready, I'm free ta lay.
(Everyready/Frito-Lay).

I have lived with this joke shrapnel for years and I thought I would share.

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I put a bag of popcorn in the microwave but I accidentally hit the “potato” button instead of the “popcorn” button.

It turned out fine I just opened the bag and spooned in some sour cream.

Why did the potato cough up blood?

Because it had tuber-culosis

Did you hear about the sweet potato truck that crashed on the interstate?

It caused a huge traffic yam.

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What kind of world leader makes Mrs.Potato-Head a hot potato?

A Dicktater.

(And if they had children— they’d call them tater-tots)

"The secret to getting practically any girl into bed," my friend said, "is to put a potato in your underwear."

Yeah. Great. Except he didn't say it needs to go in the front.

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What does one potato say to another when he’s horny?

Wanna hash?

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What do you call an asshole potato ruling a country?

A dick tater

Sad news today, folks. Mr. Potato Head died.

He had brain tubers.

What's the difference between the winner of a body building competition and a coach potato?

One has a trophy for muscles and the other has muscle atrophy.

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What do you call a Mr Potato Head who rules a country with a violent autocracy?

A Dick-Tater.

What do you call a potato who posts videos online?

A You-*tuber*

Why does Mr Potato Head have a mobile?

In case Mr Onion Rings

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are working on a building site...

High above the city, they sit together, eating their lunch as they do every lunchtime.
The Englishman, Arthur, opens his lunchbox and picks out his sandwiches.

"I say! roast beef sandwiches. I'm sick of roast beef sandwiches! If I've got roast beef sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myse...

A pea, a lemon, and a potato went to the bar

A pea, a lemon, and a potato all went out to the bar after work. They all had a couple of drinks and had a merry time. The potato, being made entirely of starch, didn't get drunk at all, let alone tipsy. The lemon, being citrus, didn't feel very good after the second drink. The pea, being very small...

A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.

The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he go...

Have you heard of Cape Cod Potato Chips?

apparently they are so good they actually named a whole cape after them

Roses are red, potato chips are savory...

The United States prison system is legalized slavery.

Potato clock

A man was starting a new job and didn't want to be late. So he went to the clockmakers and asked to buy a Potato clock.

The clock maker was puzzled. "What's a Potato clock?"

The man replied "I don't know. I said to my wife that I didn't want to be late to work at 9 am, so she told me t...

What do you call a potato that gets things done?

A facilitater.

The Potato

A man went to the beach in hopes of meeting a pretty girl, but he couldn't attract attention no matter what he did.

He noticed another man in a speedo and a cowboy hat. All the girls at the beach were flocking around him, flirting and smiling. The man walked up to the guy in the cowboy hat an...

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like?’. I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.

'Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow

Two potato farmers are in a field

One of them reaches down with both hands and pulls up two of the biggest potatoes they have ever scene. The other farmer says "Wow! Those potatoes look just like my balls." "That big?" Asks the farmer. "No, just that dirty."

What do you call a potato on Kim Jong Un’s balls?

A dictator.



Came up with this in my history class haha

What’s the difference between Lays potato chips and a balloon

Balloons should be filled with air

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