UPJOKE
dosecontraceptiveaspirinmedicationtablettylenollozengetherapeuticplacebotherapyanovulatory drugdosageprogesteroneenovidantihistamine

Pill Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex pill

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doc...

The Pill... (Semi-NSFW)

It's the second best thing a woman can put in her mouth to avoid getting pregnant.

Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.

My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection...

You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Elon Musk and Bill Gates combined their enormous wealth and power to develop the most effective penis enlargement pill ever created.

They're calling it Elongates.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife’s doctor prescribed her a new pill

It’s great, now we fuck every night, all sorts of positions, some she’d never tried before. Introduced toys and bondage, spanking and 3 ways….. and she hasn’t woken up once.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a man do after consuming only half a pill of Viagra?

Nothing... just fucking around a bit.

If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy"

Credit to my friend Chris

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As an experiment, I combined some Viagra with penis enlarging pills and dissolved them in some eye drops.

It made me take a long, hard look at myself.

Why are pills white?

Because they work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took penis enlargement pills, but still my wife left me.



She just couldn't take it any longer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took a Viagra pill earlier today, but it got stuck in my throat.

I've had a stiff neck for hours.

Somebody just threw a load of Omega 3 pills at me...

Don't worry though, I only suffered super fish oil injuries..

A scientist walks into an AA meeting. “I’ve just invented a cure for alcoholism! Take one of these pills and you’ll never be a problem drinker again!”

An attendee replies: “What happens if you take two?”

Why did the startup founder take a pill in Ibiza?

To show a VC he was cool.

Did you hear about the new male birth control pill?

You take it the next day....it changes your blood type.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boy asks, "Granny, have u seen my pills, they're marked LSD"

Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife told me to get dick pills

She told me to get those pills that make your dick standup.

Man was she surprised when I came back from the pharmacy with diet pills

Pls help, I'm locked out of my house

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the new pill that's going up against Viagra?

The competition is stiff

Our Pharmaceutical company's records show that people prefer Pill A and Pill B...

But I think Pill O is being slept on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q. Have you heard about the new mint-flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?

A. They’re called “Predick-a-mints.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The makers of Viagra have announced that they have developed a pill to increase the wetness in women.

They're calling it Niagra.

Apparently Pfizer is now selling a pill that treats skepticism.

But I'm not buying it.

Did you guys see that scientists invented a pill that kills your thirst?

You just have to take the pill then have two large glasses of water.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walked into his doctors office, and asked him for 3 viagra pills

A man walked into his doctors office, and asked him for 3 viagra pills.

The doctor asked, "Why only 3?"

The man said, "Well, Friday my secretary is coming over, Saturday my girlfriend is coming over, and Sunday, my wife is coming home form her vacation".

The doctor said, "That's...

So the doctor gave me these pills

And he said I need to take one pill everyday for the rest of my life.

I looked at the bottle and said, "But doc, there are only three pills in here."

I asked my mom if I can have some of her sleeping pills?

She said

Sure, knock yourself out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cat or a pill

A cold, withered, teenage addict wandered to his dope dealer’s apartment. Through the back, up the stairs, he knocked at the door. \*knock knock\*

“Who's there?” Said the dope drug dealer.

“Just me, looking for comfort.”

“Comfort huh… you look rather withered and cold.”

...

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills

# For all who know/knew that poem of Rudyard Kipling’s, “If”

**A delightful take-off!**

**If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,**

**If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,**

**If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,*...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My young son saw me taking Viagra and asked what it was...

So I replied, "It's just a vitamin I have to take every once in a while."

My wife said, "You really shouldn't lie to the boy..."

I said, "you're right honey." So I knelt next to my son and said "This is the pill Daddy needs because Mommy is getting old."

A rich guy visits a doctor for a little blue pill

The doctor gives him a sample to try out. He tells him to take it now and by the time you get home it should be working.

20 minutes later the guy calls the doctor to tell him his wife isn't home but the maid is there.

Doctor says, well... try it out with the maid.

Patient rep...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kid sees their grandma taking pills and asks...

"Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"

"Well, Grandma needs to take the green medicine for her headaches, but the green pills give her diarrhea. So grandma needs to take the yellow pills for the diarrhea but those pills always make grandma very depressed. Because of her depress...

Why does Donald Trump take anti-anxiety pills?

To prevent Hispanic attacks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting... [warning: offensive!]

\[I once killed a party with this joke. You have been warned!\]

Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting.

The first mother puts down her knitting, picks up her handbag, pulls out a bottle of pills, takes one, then resumes knitting. She sees the other two mot...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Smart pills

Little Billy is standing in the barn with his grandpa

There are rabbits in the barn and their droppings are all over the floor.

The boy says, "What are all these pellets on the ground, grandpa?"

Grandpa says, "They're smart pills, Billy. Eat them and you'll get smarter."
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

An embarrassed older lady visited her doctor for help with a problem.

"Doctor, I don't know what's wrong, but I fart all the time. It's strange because they are both silent and odorless, but they keep coming out. In fact, I've farted about 6 times just sitting here. What can I do?"

The doctor replied, "Here, take one of these pills every morning and then come s...

Pill commercials nowadays be like

“After just one use, derpatine fixed my knee pain and I can run again!”

“Consult a doctor if you’re experiencing any headaches, nausea, muscle pain, blurry vision, nasal congestion, loss of sight, kidney failure, hernia, heart attacks, strokes or knee pain after using derpatine”

I actually overdosed on anxiety pills a few minutes ago

I’m not too worried about it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled

The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man.

“No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!” ...

Man arrested for selling eternal youth pills.

News has just come in about a man in the Dublin area has been arrested for selling pills that he claimed would give eternal youth.

Police records have shown that it is the fourth time this man has been arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.

Scientists just invented a new pill that prevents dehydration

All you have to do is take it twice a day with a glass of water

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dick is like a pill

It's small but very effective

What's the medical term for a chill pill?

A relaxative

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I gave my friend penis enlargement pills

She didn’t like it very much

Doctor: I have bad news for you. You’ll have to take one of these pills for the rest of your life.

Patient: But... Doctor... you had given me only three pills!?

Doctor: I told you it was bad news.

.

.

.

.











*Edit: I can’t correct the title but it should say “... take one of these pills **each day** for the rest o...

I learned a few things today

1. I'm going to be a dad.

2. I'm going to be an uncle.

3. My sister is not on the pill.

What's the difference between the red pill and the blue pill?

The blue pill makes you harder.

I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday

and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.

What do you get when you mix LSD and a birth control pill?

A trip without the kids

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man comes home with his new Viagra pills…

He walks in the door and says “Honey, are you up for some super sex?”

She replies “I’ll take the soup.”

Death: Jack! Your time is up. I'll take you now.

Jack: Not today please, I have a lot more to do.

Death: Oh no, you're the first on the list to die.

Jack: Alright, I'll finish what I'm doing first. Even better, I'll make you some coffee while you wait. And after I'm done, we can leave.

(Jack put sleeping pills in the coffee an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Accidentally mixed up my Viagra pills with my sleeping pills.

Ended up having 40 wanks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend regularly takes anti-diarrhea pills and claims it increases his work productivity, due to reduced trips to the restroom daily.

I think he's full of shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tough pill to swallow...

So There's this couple and one day the boyfriend finds the a little stuffed bear at a thrift shop and buys it for his girlfriend and gives it to her as a gift
" I saw that this little guy s eyes were sown pointing to each other, and I got it because I know you love imperfect things, because you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Better than a sleeping pill

Two guys were sitting around talking and one said, "I'm really concerned, my wife wakes up at night and can't go back to sleep. I don't know how to help her". His buddy thought about it for a moment and said, "I think I have the perfect solution. My wife used to have the same problem so every...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a box of viagra pills?

An expansion pack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Viagra pills walked into a

Two Viagra pills walked into a bar. They sat down next to two marijuana plants who were engrossed in an animated discussion.
"I don't get it," one marijuana plant said to the other, "Why aren't we legal? Nobody's being hurt by us."

One of the viagra pills scoffed at them.
The marijuana ...

Erect your ears for this one

A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills

Weight-loss pills are very effective...

They drain your bank account so you don’t have money for food.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wounded soldier takes viagra by accident after thinking the pills were pain killers

He got battle-hardened by that experience

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Smart Pills

One day, Paddy and Mick were walking through the Woods when they saw some Rabbit Shit.

Paddy said: "What's That"..?? "'They're Smart Pills," says Mick "Eat them and they'll make you smarter"..

So Paddy ate them and said: "Jeez. They taste like Shit".. "See," says Mick, "You're gettin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Aleve pills and viagra look way too much alike.

I keep winding up with two pounding heads instead of one.

Me: I need 8 pills, 4 bags of weed, a couple of tabs of lsd, oceanic.

Dealer: Sure, although what do you mean by oceanic?

Me: Anagram of cocaine.

"Silent farts that don't stink..."

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.


"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"


The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.


Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.


"Doctor...

Did you hear that Trump is a spokesman for a new erectile dysfunction pill?

It’s called “Ensurerection”

Why are diet pills so effective in the UK?

If you buy enough, you are guaranteed to lose 30 pounds fast.

Radio Yerevan was asked: "Can I use aspirin as birth control pill?"

Radio Yerevan answered: "Yes, if you hold it between your knees."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Smartenin' pills

This little kid Jimmy was frustrated, because every day as he walked to school with his lunch, the big bully Buster would stop him and ask him what he had for lunch. Then he would take the lunch and eat it!

So one day Jimmy decided he had enough, he had to do something about this. Now his A...

Why arent pills allowed in Africa?

Because you can't take them on an empty stomach.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do guys have such difficulty in asking the cashier for sex pills?

I mean, it's not that hard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Honey I brought you a pill for your headache"

"But I don't have a headache"

"Perfect, let's have sex then"

I heard there's this new pill that cures addiction.

Hmm, I wonder what two of them will do...

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a terrible problem with gas, but it doesn’t bother me much.”

My farts are always silent and never smell. I probably farted 15 times since I’ve been here, and you didn’t realize it.

The doctor says, “Interesting. Why don’t you take these pills and come see me in a week?”

The old lady returns in a week and says, “I don’t know what the hell you gav...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I take dick like I take pills

On the floor sobbing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A man goes to the doctor to get birth control pills for his daughter

Doctor: Oh, is she sexually active?

Man: No, she just lays there like her mom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The president took some dick enlargement pills

He's 6'3 now

Doctor prescribed me pills for 14 days

I had to do another 7 days because they were too weak.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sleeping Pills

A man walks into his doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I need sleeping pills".

"Why, what's going on?", replies the doctor.

"I have these two songs constantly stuck in my head and I can't sleep! You've got to help me!", implores the man.

"Well which two songs?" asks the doctor....

Neo probably should have taken the blue pill

Ask Hugh Hefner.

I don't think my doctor likes me very much. I told him I swallowed a bunch of sleeping pills

He told me to go home and have a few drinks to relax!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Smart Pills

So a boy and his father were walking in the mountains one day when the boy looks down at the ground and says: "Hey dad, what are these little round things?"
The dad looks at his boy and says: "Well son, those are get smart pills. You take just one, and you'll be smarter."
The boy reluctan...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is there cotton on top of the pills inside a pill bottle?

To remind black people they picked cotton before they sold drugs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady goes to the doctor for help with her sex life...

Doctor: Give your husband viagra.

Lady: I can't, he hates pills.

Doctor: Just put it in his coffee.

Next week she returns, unhappy.

Doctor: Was it good?

Lady: It was the worst sex I ever had. He had a few sips of coffee, then he pushed everything off the table and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what do the fact of my existence and a medication pill have in common?

both are bitter as fuck and you can't swallow them without drinking

What do you call a domineering pill bug?

A controly-poly!

If there was a pill that made you stop procrastinating

I would probably take it tomorrow

Did you hear about the guy that overdosed on his homeopathy pills?

He forgot to take them.

My 10 year old just opened a childproof pill bottle

“Welcome to adulthood, son.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist "is there some kind of pill that can help with sex?"

The pharmacist says "Yes, that'd be Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself"

Old guy asks "Can you get it over the counter?"

Pharmacist replies "If I took 2 or 3, probably"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's not easy being a pill tester at the Viagra production facility...

The workers are always hard at work.

I ate a pill that would made me immortal today

I accidently choked to death while swallowing it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny knows his pills.

Miss Paula is going around the classroom asking if the students know what pills take for what ails them.

- Little Suzie, what do you take if you have a headache?

Well, miss Paula, my mommy gives me Tylenol when I have a headache.

- Good answer. James, what do you take if you hav...

My co-worker takes a small blue pill with his coffee every day at 8am

He's likes to work hard in the mornings

I won a lifetime supply of cyanide pills

I only got one though

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of my great grandfather’s favorite jokes...

A guys walking down the street with a bag of rabbit droppings he runs into one of his friends who asks what’s in the bag. Guy says “Smart Pills,” his friend says “Gimme one of them Smart Pills,” then reaches in the bag and pops a handful of them in his mouth. He looks at the guy and says “These smar...

Why did the Hispanic man die after taking three pills?

Because it was over-dos!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I just ordered some pills from Amazon Prime to help sex go faster.

Came real quick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does general grievous say after he gets his penis growth pills?

A fine addition to my erection.

So my friend said she thinks she took too many anxiety pills today

I told her she should worry if she's not feeling anxious about it

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.