Viking Jokes - 75 Hilarious Viking Jokes

How do viking ships communicate with each other?

Norse code

I'm gonna keep making these jokes until one blows up

What does vikings call english villages?

Chopping centers.

Wanna here a joke about Vikings?

Never mind, there’s Norway you’d laugh at it.
- my sister

One night, a viking named Rudolf the Red was looking out the window when he said, "it's going to rain"

His wife asked, "how do you know?“

>!"Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear"!<

What stories did Vikings tell their children?

Norsery Rhymes

my daughter made this gem up: what is the most popular console with the vikings?

the axe-box

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A Spartan, a Samurai and a Viking are summoned to Outworld for Mortal Kombat.

Their first opponent is the dread-sorcerer Shang Tsung.

The Spartan goes first, and quickly overpowers Shang Tsung, but is unsure of what to do next. Shang Tsung then speaks a word of power and the Spartan trips over his own cape and impales himself headfirst upon his own spear. Sha...

Why did the Viking buy an old boat?

He couldn’t a fjord a new one.

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A Knight, a Samurai, and a Viking are lost in a desert.

They see someone in the distance, and as they draw closer, they realise it's a buck naked woman in a crusader's helmet with a samurai sword on her back.

The knight exclaims, "Look at her helm. Surely she is of my people! "

The samurai says "Nay! See the sword. She is obviously from Ja...

What is a vegan Viking called?

A Norvegan

Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?

Vowel-halla

Where does a viking keep their baby?

In the norsery

The Pope, the Packers & the Vikings

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the pope-mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man wearing a Green Bay Packer jersey was struggling frantically to free himself from the ja...

What is a Viking’s favorite car?

…….a Fjord Explorer.

What do you call a Viking who can't catch fish?

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.
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-A cod-less heathen.

Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?

He was Bjorn again.

A Viking is out shopping when he comes across an old woman in a wheelchair crying.

"What's wrong?" asks the Viking.

"Well," the woman says, wiping her tears, "I have been living on my own for many months now, and my daughter and son-in-law have at last come to visit me. My daughter has brought me along on this shopping trip, but it's the first time I've really been out and ...

Where does a Viking clown go when they die?

To ValHaHa.

What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?

One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.

Did you know that most of the Viking raiders were children?

Because it takes a child to raze a village.

What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?

"I'm in it for the longhall."

A Viking by the name of Rudolph the Red looked out his window.

He turns to his wife and says, Bring the little ones inside, it looks like its going to be a wet day. His wife says “why do you say that” he looks at her and says
“Because Rudolph the red Knows Rain Dear”

(Merry Christmas You Filthy Animals)

My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death

"Jokes on you" I said "if I die in battle I'll go straight to Valhalla"

Benny the Viking

Benny was your typical Viking. Strong, tall and courageous, he was the ideal viking in every way, except for one.

See, Benny couldn’t grow a beard. For all his 30 winters on Earth, he still had just as smooth a face as the day he was born.

This bothered Benny, because when he was out p...

A Viking sailed across Europe challenging people to staring contests.

He was so confident in his abilities that he promised to hand over all of the gold he had pillaged to anyone who could defeat him. The news spread throughout Europe, catching the attention of a couple in Ireland whose daughter was born without eyelids.

Believing that their daughter was guaran...

A Viking is arguing with his wife

"It's definitely hail" says Gertha
"No, it's rain!" Says Rudolf
"No, it's round and hard, it's hail!" She retorts.
Getting very flustered now, Rudolf shouts "Look! Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear!"

I have lots of viking jokes. I came up with all of them, but I dont know if they are original.

Musical viking = Vising.
Viking ok motorcycle = Biking.
Viking that rules = ViKing.
Viking with glasses =Veyeking.
Viking that is leaving = Byeking.
Viking that enjoys = Liking.
Viking who lies = Lieking.
Viking in forest = Hiking.
Viking with weed = Highking.
Viking in ai...

What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?

A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.

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Hagan pissed off everyone in his Viking village.

Hagan pissed off everyone in his Viking village. One day, the villagers were fed up with his rotten behavior. They grabbed their pitchforks and sickles and ran up the hill to kill the bastard. They get to his house but it’s all locked up. They try peeking in the windows but can’t see a thing. T...

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

A Viking explorer came home to find his name removed from the town register. When his wife complained, the chief apologized and said,

“I must have taken Lief off my census.”

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely, saying…..

"I must have taken Leif off my census."

[OC] My friends and I are starting a disco group. We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.

We call ourselves... The Pillage People.

How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?

With a Nor-Ouija board.

What do you call a Viking's erection?

"Norwegian Wood"

What are the Vikings favorite drink?

Mini Sodas

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The Viking's Talent

A man sees a poster advertising a circus that says:

"World sensation: A viking cuts a walnut in half with his penis!"

He doesn't believe this, so he buys a ticket, goes to the show and there really is a viking who puts a walnut on the table, unzips his pants, pulls out his manhood ...

[Long] There once was a homeless viking who sat in front of a bakery...

Every morning when the bakery opens, a sweet young woman would buy him a cup of coffee.

One day he wanted to find a way of repaying her kindness.

The bakery began a special promotion called "Cake of Chance".

Every day a random customer would receive a free slice of their special...

What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?

It's either my way or Norway!

What do you call a viking who's been bit by a vampire?

Norseferatu

The Minnesota Vikings walk into a bar

To watch the Super Bowl

A Viking’s Wisdom

There was once a great Viking warrior named Rudolph the Red. He was known far and wide for his wisdom and experience.

One day while enjoying his morning coffee with his wife he stared out the window. He then turned to his wife and said “It looks like a storm is coming.”
“How can you be sur...

Today in Hawaii: And now let's cross to our local reporter

"Thanks Doug and this morning the annual Waikiki 'Mountain-to-Sea' triathlon has been won by a handsome Norwegian competitor. He’s proved very popular with the race crowd down here on the beachfront, with his good looks and engaging personality really winning over the crowd.

Yes, it’s hard no...

How do Vikings get each other's attention?

They ValHolla!

Why were the Vikings such good sailors?

You can lead a Norse to water but you can’t make him sink.

Where do Vikings go when they get old?

The Norsing home

A barista, a viking, and a veterinarian are getting dinner together.

The topic of vacation comes up and the barista says, "I don't have a lot saved up, so I think I'm going to stick around town this year and just take it easy."

The viking chimes in, "I'm going to take my ship out with my mates and raid the lands to the south." The other two look a bit shocked....

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The Viking God Thor comes to Earth...

and spends all weekend shagging a woman with a harelip. On Monday morning he says to her "I am Thor". She replies "you're thor, I can't even pith!"

A joke fit for Viking Fest

Ole was on his death bed. The doctor had told Lena that he wouldn't last the night and he might as well die at home on his own bed. After a while, Ole's eyes flickered open and he sniffed the air and muttered "Lefsa. Oh, Lefsa." He worked his way to the edge of the bed and slipped to the floor. Sn...

Went to a Vikings game with my family and decided I wanted a drink. Wanted the big soda but when I saw the price I decided.....

a Minnesota will do.

Ole and Sven are elderly friends who die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks And go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.

He says to them

‘Doesn’t the heat and smoke bother you?’

Ole replies, ‘Vell, ya know, ve’re from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve’re yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.’

T...

What is a Viking's favorite music?

Ragnarock

What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?

Barberians.

What did the Viking say when hanging out his laundry?

"Today is a good day to dry."

How did Vikings communicate over long distances?

Norse code.

Sorry everyone!

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Last summer, I traveled to europe for a 2 week vacation..

On the last night, I decided to go to a club for some action. As I approached the entrance, there was nothing more amazing i'd seen in those last 2 weeks than the bouncer. He was buffed up at least 4 inches taller than me, had long hair, a braided beard, hell he looked like a viking. Surprisingly, h...

What do you call a serious of dots and dashes that Vikings used to communicate with?

Norse Code

Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?

Because of their skills in hacking

Viking warlord Rudolph the Red is awoken suddenly in the night.

Opening his eyes, he turns over to look out his window. A loud pattering sound fills his hut. “What is that?” asks Rudolph’s wife.

Rudolph gets out of bed to get a closer look outside. After a few seconds of observation, he comes to a conclusion. “It’s raining,” he informs his wife. Sleepily...

Why don't the Minnesota Vikings eat cereal?

Every time they get close to the bowl, they choke!

Minnesota Vikings lost their QB to a season ending knee injury.

But that's just Water under the Bridge now.

I was digging in the back garden...

.. Whan I came across a horde of viking coins, I was so excited I almost ran in to tell my wife,

Until I remembered why I was digging.

In the old days Vikings went raiding for gold and women...

In the old days Vikings went raiding for gold and women.

Many were the countries where they landed and from each ‘visit’, they always brought back gold and women...until the day they landed in England.

From England they only brought back the gold.

Timmy loved tractors. His life was all about tractors.

Timmy loved tractors. His life was all about tractors. Tractor bedspread, tractor themed birthday parties, tractor t-shirts, school bags, lunchbox, everything Timmy owned was tractor themed in some way. He knew everything there was to know about tractors; big, small, new, old, he knew it all. When h...

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In honor of the Vikings/Packers game on Saturday...

How can you tell if a Packers fan is mad at you?

They grit their tooth at you.

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A group of 100 people dressed up as Vikings, promoting the new exhibition at the Smithsonian, was seen parading in front of the White House today.

Famously uncivilised, destructive and rapacious, with an almost insatiable appetite for rough sex and heavy drinking, the US Senators nonetheless came out to watch the parade.

What do the Minnesota Vikings and a car in the junk yard have in common?

Neither one has a title

I don't understand why the Lions and Vikings get to play on thanksgiving.

Shouldn’t the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium?

Rudolph the Red

There once was a young Viking named Rudolph the Red and his wife Freydis. Freydis decided to have a walk with her husband, but when she told him of her plans he took one look at the sky grunted and said it was going to rain. Freydis was confused a there were no clouds in the sky. Later on in the day...

I've decided to join Anytime Fitness

Because I like to dress up as a 12th century Viking Warrior when I work out.

A Chicago Bears' fan, a Minnesota Viking's fan, and a Detroit Lions' fan find a genie in a bar...

The 3 fans are sitting at the bar when suddenly, a genie comes out of a bottle of vodka the bartender opens.
[](/sp)
The genie says to the bartender: "Congratulations, you have released me from my prison, and to repay you for that, I shall allow you to make 3 wishes your heart most desires an...

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The Vikings were the ones that took it upon themselves to spread sexual education to the world around them

*Even if it had to be mandatory*

Which kinda made it a constant pain in the ass

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A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde entered into a high-stakes TV culinary contest of the ages...

After the three women finished their cooking procedures, they individually lined up behind the curtain of the main stage and each rolled out a cart with their respective dish. To elaborate, three judges would be grading these women on their cooking capabilities.

When the time came for the pre...

Vikings kicker Blair Walsh apparently attempted suicide last night.

He ended up being just fine, he was unable to kick the chair out from under him.

There have been few historical examples of wars with three opposing sides.

One such example occurred in the 11th century, with the three belligerents being the French, the English (Anglos) and the Vikings. The rivalry between each group was quite intense, and unlike other situations, the two weaker groups at the time did not join together to fight the strongest. Instead, t...

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