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Treadmill Jokes

This idiot on the treadmill at the gym.

Just put a water bottle in the Pringles holder.

Elton John got his pet rabbit a treadmill for Xmas.

It's a little fit bunny.

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My girlfriend keeps trying to give me a blowjob on the treadmill

It’s a running gag

I went to the gym this morning and hopped on the treadmill

People started giving me funny looks, though, so I decided I'd better jog instead.

Treadmill sellers are stiff competitors.

They give you a run for your money.

I had to quit my job as a treadmill tester.

I just felt i wasn't getting anywhere!

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Solution to erection problems

I’m about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: she bought me some Viagra and I bought her a treadmill.

What did the racist do on the treadmill?

3K

I keep chasing my dreams

Then I realise I'm on a treadmill

Treadmill joke.

So, I wake up early, drink some energy drinks and ride my treadmill to stay healthy. I'm feeling very confident with my workout and put in more time, running harder and for longer. Eventually I want to continue my success onto the rowing machine and so I start to wrap up, looking to the little scree...

Peloton has announced a recall of all their treadmills...

... leaving their users scrambling to find something else to talk about all day.

What do you call Cardi B on a treadmill?

Cardi O.

My friend wanted to hit the treadmill while recovering from an injury.

I told him “tread lightly”.

I bought a treadmill the other day...

It's really giving me a run for my money.

I used to run a lot on the treadmill and contemplate my future

I was going nowhere fast.

A priest entered the bedroom of a possessed boy with nothing but a treadmill and weights

Surprised, the boy's family gave the priest a strange look. He turned to the family, a bit confused himself, and said "I'm here to exercise the demons, right?"

What's the difference between a rabbit on a treadmill and a rabbit with a carrot stuck up its nose?

One is a fit bunny and the other is a bit funny

Phew!! 45 minutes on the treadmill and I didn't die....

Maybe, I'll turn it on next time.

My girlfriend dumped me while I was lying down on a treadmill

She said "This isn't working out"

What makes people run but isn’t scary?

A treadmill

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I am sexually active

i run on the treadmill and masturbate at the same time.

I bought a treadmill and use it for 15 seconds a day every day.

It says right on it in big letters to stop using if you get shortness of breath.

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I'll run on the treadmill, I'll do the elliptical, I will even take a zumba class...

But yoga is a stretch for me.

Last will and testament...

David had died. His lawyer is standing before the family, and reads out David's Last Will and Testament.
"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 150 acres of land, and one million dollars.
To my son Barry, I leave my Lexus, and the new Jaguar.
To my daughter Shriley I leave my...

If anyone has a voodoo doll of me...

...please put it on a treadmill.

If I had a dollar for every time my wife said she was going on a diet

I’d be able to buy her a treadmill she’d never use.

How do you hide a fat man's paycheck?

Put it on his treadmill.

My doctor said I should exercise on top of a healthy diet.

But surely a treadmill would make more sense?

Listen up McDonald's employees!

If someone in the drive-thru ever says the is your refrigerator running-joke, just tell them that you don't need to catch it because you placed it on a treadmill :)

Enjoy!

How do you get rid of fat demons?

With a treadmill. You exercise them.

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The Gym (at 40) - Try and read this without laughing out loud!

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

This is ridiculous!

I just saw a guy put his waterbottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill next to me!
What a waste of space.

Sawmill Accident (long)

Paddy and Mick are two friends working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick...

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A stupidly wealthy business man builds a golden house.

On the day he moves in, he spends a few hours in the games room playing on his golden playstation 4.

Next he goes into the reading room and reads the golden newspaper.

After a while he feels restless, goes to the gym, and works out on the golden treadmill.

After 30 minutes on...

A man is thinking about joining a gym.

He really just wants to work on his boxing skills. The gym rep gives him the grand tour. "Here are the raquetball courts which get quite busy" the rep says "and over there is the raquetball line". "That's nice" the man says "but I'm mostly interested in the boxing facilities".

The rep contin...

I exercise religiously.

I was on the treadmill earlier praying that it would stop.

Three men arrive at the pearly gates of heaven (NSFW, LONG, I don’t know how to do the tag things)

St John comes out and says to the men, “Heaven has become too full, as such we’re only taking in people who had tragic deaths.” He turns to the first man and says, “How did you die then?”
“Well I knew my wife was having an affair,” the fist man begins, “and I came home to find her lying naked on ...

I've been trying to save energy recently.

So I threw out the treadmill and moved the beer fridge closer to my room.

If the Zombie apocalypse ever happens...

If the zombie apocalypse ever happens, I'm just going to surround my house with outward facing treadmills.

I should be fine.

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An old man is not feeling well, so he goes to see the doctor....

...accompanied by his wife. The doctor gives him a full physical, EKG, treadmill test, X-rays, the whole nine yards. When the exam is over and the couple is in the doctor's office, the doctor asks the man to step outside for a minute so he can talk to the wife.

"Your husband is gravely ill ...

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A group of...

A group of sperm cells in a guys balls are getting ready for their big moment. They all talk about racing to the egg, who will be first, how to get in, etc. But while all the sperm are talking, one sperm cell by the name of Matt instead of chatting is busy working out. He's doing sprints, push ups...

Signs you drink too much coffee

- You answer the door before people knock.

- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

- You ski uphill.

- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

- You lick your coffeepot clean.

- You're the employee of ...

One day God visits St. Peter at the pearly gates and tells him heaven is too crowded and to not let so many people in and gives St Peter a quota for each day.

Later that day 3 men approach looking for entrance into heaven. Peter turns to the men and tells them that only 1 of them is able to enter into heaven. To decide which one gets in he asks them how they died. He tells them that the man with the best death story will get into heaven.

The first ...

Trump dies and goes to hell.

When he arrives, he is greeted by the devil.

The devil says that there are 3 other people here that have done less bad than Trump, so Trump gets to decide which one goes to heaven so he can take their place.

The devil opens 3 doors, the first door has Richard Nixon in it. Nixon is swim...

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You really oughtta diet...

A morbidly obese man decided it was time to lose some weight, so he joined a health spa...

He gets to the spa and starts out on the treadmill, jogs around the gym a couple times, swims a couple laps in the pool, sweats for a half hour or so in the sauna, and finishes off with a shower.
...

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Tell me how you died and I'll let you pass

Saint peter is standing at the gates of heaven, now its been a long day and an uneventful one at that, so when he sees 3 men walking towards him he has an idea. Saint peter says to the men "Tell me how you died and I'll let you pass".
So the first man walks up and says: "Well I came home early be...

A mental health facility offers supervised hobbies for its patients.

They have access to painting, exercise, a small library, cooking, all sorts of stuff.

When they paint, they are often instructed to paint their mood, or something they would like to see or do when they are released. Some paint melancholy things, dark with depressive imagery and muted colors. ...

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St. Peter is at the pearly gates and decides no one is getting in unless he hears how they died...

So the first guy steps up and St. peter asks "Alright, how did you die?"

The guy says "Well, I've had a hunch for a while now that my wife has been cheating on me. So I decide I'm going to come home from work early and catch her in the act. I get to our apartment building and I'm so fired up ...

(This is really long, please don't kill me for it)

Once upon a time, there was a priest that worked at a church. He was a really good man, but very overweight and out of shape. He liked to joke about this, but he wasn't that interested in losing it, because it wouldn't really affect his life.

Anyways, one day a man walked into the church afte...

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Three men stand at the Pearly Gates

God tells the three men that Heaven is near it's quota for the day and only one man will be allowed in.

All three men have lived good lives, so God decides he will choose who gets in to Heaven based on how they died. Whoever had the worst luck will get in to Heaven.

So the first man t...

Heaven is getting full

This is my favorite joke. Its a little long but I think it's worth it.

One day God realized heaven was getting pretty full so he went St. Peter at the gates and said, "Hey, so it's getting kind of full in here so you're gonna need to start filtering who gets in or not by only letting in those...

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It’s Friday the 13th, and St. Peter is having a busy day at the pearly gates...

…and needs to get creative to make sure he can make it through the backlog. So he decides that only people with really shocking deaths can get into Heaven today.

So the first guy in line comes to St. Peter’s desk, and when asked to describe his death, he says “Well I was a successful busines...

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