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Till Jokes

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If u sit in the toilet to take a poop at 11:58pm and your still there till 12:03 am

Is it The same shit different day?

It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub...

...just to ask me what time it is.

Last week I was on a date with a girl and it was going pretty well till she said "What I really want is a guy who will treat me like a Princess."

So I hired some Paparazzi to follow her and she died in a car crash.

I'm not saying the staff in my local supermarket are thick, but when I asked if they could open Till 2, the manager replied..

"We're already open till 10 most nights. "

I'm giving up drinking till christmas

Bad punctuation, can't edit title

I'm giving up. Drinking till Christmas.

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On day six of the Creation, God announced to his archangel underlings, "Today we're creating a place called Canada.

"Today we're creating a place called Canada. Pull out all the stops. Give it beautiful mountains, lakes, plains, forests, and sandy beaches. Underground, give it oil, gold, etc. Oh, and plenty of fish and wildlife."

"Sir," interjected an archangel, "aren't you being overly generous to the...

Till death

So imagine a world where a person dies, goes to heaven, and gets a vehicle based on how faithful they were to their spouse.

Three men all die at the same time and are sentenced to their vehicle along side one another.

*The first man*: He was faithful to his spouse every day of his lif...

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were talking about how horrible their lives are...

The cucumber says, "my life sucks. I get left in the garden until I'm huge. Then cut into pieces and put in a salad." The pickle says, "That's nothing! I get to sit in a jar with vinegar till I get swollen. Then I get eaten." The penis laughs and says, " When I get huge, they throw a bag over my hea...

Why did the pimp till the garden with his hands?

Cause he ain't got no faith in dem hoes.

Insomnia is terrible. But on the plus side...

Only three more sleeps till Christmas

I patented a design that would till the earth as it cut the grass

But no one wanted to buy my Hoe-Mow

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In her tinder profile she said she's 32 but also that she has the body of a 16 year old.

But when I asked if I could see a photo she said I need to wait till tomorrow as she is naked and doesn't want to go to the freezer in the basement when it's already so late.

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New Guy from Texas [Read till the end]

A middle-aged man from Texas moves to Australia and decides to get a temporary gig until his job placement is fixed. Luckily, not far from his residence there is one of those "one stop shop" stores, and he gets to be the cashier / salesman.

After the first day the boss came down to see how th...

God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn

He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"

The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their n...

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"the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon"

There was a college professor who liked to tell "dirty" stories during lectures. A group of annoyed female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following d...

I hate when people say “It’s a quarter till 9”

Just say 8:75pm like us normal people…

A woman went out for drinks one night and didn't come home till morning.

The next day she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man, not believing her, decided to call his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

The following week it was the man's turn not to come home one night. The following day he told his wife that he had sle...

Thank you r/jokes. I read this sub every morning at the beginning of my work day, laughing like a maniac till my hands and legs shake uncontrollably.

I just wish the kids on the school bus I'm driving would stop screaming in fear once in awhile.

I threw my back out tilling the fields of Egypt.

My doctor said I should see a different cairotractor.

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Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week".

The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active s...

Just wait till 2020 turns 21 and starts drinking.

It’s gunna be lit.

I was at a night club till 3 am yesterday celebrating my wife’s birthday.

When I came back home, she was furious.

Barcelona players not gonna eat anything till morning

Because they 8-2 much

“My wife’s identical twin sister is living with us till she finds a job”

I said to my friend

He asked “ do you know how to tell them apart ?”

I remarked “ why should I ?”

Who is the most open minded American President till date.

John F. Kennedy

Till death do us part...

... After a car accident involving a couple they both loose their lives. As the wife is waiting in line to get into heaven she sees her now decease hunsand making out with a younger better looking woman. In a fit if rage she turns to him "how can you do this to me Dave we have been married for almos...

I did Judo till i got married.

I wasn't prepared for Marital arts.

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Celibacy or .....

Before being ordained 6 priests had to stand nude with a bell tied to their cocks. Anyone whose bell rang had no spiritual purity. A naked girl with big tits & a shaved fanny danced before each one. 1st priest no reaction. She went down the line with no response from them till she reached last p...

Man.. you stomp on just one mouse till it's dead.. And everyone loses their mind and I get in a ton of trouble.

Disneyland sucks.

How many mulas till a solution?

One mula...
Two mula...
Three mula...
Formula.

I made this up. No one ever laughs. It must be my delivery.

Till this day, she is still laughing

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

Drink 'Till She's Cute

A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him. He ...

Never put off till tomorrow,

what you can do the day after tomorrow.

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I have a bumper sticker that says...

"Honk if you think I'm sexy."

Then I wait at green lights till I feel better about myself.

Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?

He was Stalin.

Joe Biden is not my president!!

At least not till January which won’t come soon enough.

I wanted to become a professional sperm donor

I already had my slogan ready: "Wait till you get a load of this guy!"

She said she will love me till forever comes...

only to find out Forever is her boyfriend from Zimbabwe

The postman said he'd hold my package till I got home...

it was an uncomfortable walk.

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

A third grade teacher had her students ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral for their homework one day.

The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. But then the teacher realized that only Katie was left.

"Katie, do you have a story to share?"
''Yes ma'am... My daddy told me a story about my mom."
"OK, let's hear it," said the teacher.

"My mom was a...

Dance till you feel hurt. Sing till your lungs hurt. Act till you're William Hurt. - Phil Dunphy

From Phil's Osophies (Modern Family). I have to get that book.

Till when has the lockdown been extended to, in India?

"May the 3rd"

What else would you like to say about the situation?

"May the 4th be with us."

In college, I had trouble making friends till I came up with a foolproof plan.

I told all the girls “I love you”, and they usually said, “Let’s just be friends”.

Elon Musk announces he will visit ISS till Covid-19 stabilises.

And nobody even assumed this is a joke.

Don’t knock it till you try it

Unless it’s murder

A friend didn't responded the call till few hours later.

Me: Hey what happened? You haven't recieved my call for few hours?

Friend: Oh yeah I was at the hospital.

Me: Is everything okay?

Friend: Oh Im fine, its just my uncle. He's son couldnt speak or walk now.

Me: OH DAMN IS HE OKAY?!?

Friend: Hes fine, hes just born an...

"Don't knock it till you've tried it!"

A really confusing phrase when you're trying to buy a door.

A young couple, just married, were...

in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big, burly man, tossed his pants to the bride and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on, but they were way too big.

"I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right,"...

Wait for few months till we reach 2020

Then we can hear '10's playlist' on Spotify

A very heavy blond went to the clinic to lose weight.

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"

Blonde: "I a...

I work for the largest nanotechnology company till date.

We’re not very good.

I used to be afraid of living alone all my life till I read even serial killers often had partners.

I'm glad there are precedents.

I can't wait till New Year's Day, 2021.

Then I can say hindsight is really 2020.

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A man driving past a farmer tilling his land says “excuse me sir, my cat lost it’s tail and I noticed you have some cattails over there”...

Confused, the farmer says “Yeah?...” “Can I take one, please?” The man asks politely.

“Suuuure...” the farmer says, rolling his eyes. The man comes back, a real cat’s tail in hand, says “Thank you, sir!” and carries on down the road as the farmer looked on in disbelief.

The next day th...

If you ever miss 4:20 wait till 4:22...

...because 4:22 is 4:20 too.

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If you think hooking up on Tinder is annoying, wait till you try Grindr

It’s such pain in the ass.

I always leave Chinese restaurants overstuffed and bloated. I eat till I’m full

and dim sum.

My wife treats me like GOD!!

She takes no notice of my existence till she wants something.

Old Man Richard Harrison: I want to live till I am 100

Death: Best I can do is 77

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A man is out tilling his field behind his mule...

It’s a very hot day and the man is toiling away, sweating as he follows his mule controlling the plow up and down his field. His wife comes out to talk and says “When you get done with this field and return home tonight don’t forget about the leak under the kitchen sink, the window in the bathroom i...

My best friend is mad at me, because I sniffed on his sisters underwear..

Don't know if he is mad because she was still wearing it or because her parents were present.

Whatever, it was a strange funeral.

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Three girls, a blonde, a readhead and a brunette, are having lunch break together...

The brunette opens her lunchbox and sighs:"My husband is so kind, he prepares my lunch every day but... Again a tuna sandwich?"

The readhead opens hers and sighs too:"Crap, tuna sandwich for me too... Again!"

The blonde opens hers and goes:"Guess what? I got the same t...

My dog has to wear this cone till he heals from surgery. It helps with the biting, but the barking?

He sounds like a sub-whoofer.

Two Brothers Move to the City

There were two brothers who lived in the country.

One day they decided they wanted to move to the big city and get jobs there. When they got there they went to the employment office to ask for jobs.

The first brother went in for an interview and less than 10 minutes later he comes out ...

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I walked up to the counter and asked the girl at the till to give me a KitKat chunky.

She handed me a KitKat Chunky. I said no, I wanted a regular KitKat, you fat bitch.

Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.

She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."

I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"

She sarcastically said " of course it would help"

So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"

I said "Yes please!"

"How much?" She ...

Don't fire till you see the whites of their eyes.

OH MY GOD THEY'RE CHINESE!

So a 1024MB Memory Card walks into a bar...

The Memory Card spots a piano, sits down at it and starts playing some incredible music.

After a number of songs, mostly original, the Memory Card gets up and the bar goes wild with cheers and applause.

The bar owner was incredibly impressed and runs up to the Memory Card and says, "Bu...

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A Russian immigrant comes to America, works hard...

... and is able to buy for his very first home: a condominium apartment. He throws an all night party with his friends to celebrate. One of his guests notices a hammer and a large metal pot next to one of the walls.

“What is that for?” he asks.

The Russian says “That is my talking A...

Last night I had a Tupperware party that went on till 4 in the morning.

Might have lasted even longer but the cops came round and we had to put a lid on it.

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I was working in an ice cream shop and we ran out of vanilla ice cream

About 10 minutes later a lady comes in and asks for a gallon of vanilla. So I have to break the news too her.
“Sorry ma’am, we are all out of vanilla today.”
“Oh, no bother” she says, “I’ll just take a pint of vanilla then”
Slightly confused, I say “No ma’am, it’s not just the gallon size, ...

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter...

Dear Ma & Pa,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But...

Now I'm just going to wait till the end of 2016 and hope Obama says:

"Chill out guys, all of this was just a prank. I'm going for the 3rd term".

I used to live in New Orleans till Katrina took everything I had.

Sometimes I wish she’d stayed in Latvia.

My mum got really annoyed when I tried to tickle my little sister's feet...

she said something about 'waiting till she was born'.

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A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found…

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing,
the head of the team declared: “This indicates these people were family oriented and held women...

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

Singing in the shower is all fun and games till you get soap in your mouth

Then it’s a soap opera

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

Boy: "Let's play firetruck game. I will move my hand up your leg till you say RED LIGHT" -Girl: "RED LIGHT"

Boy: "Firetrucks don't stop at red lights"

My wife said she was exhausted because she was up till 4am with the baby

I told her it's probably not good to keep the baby up till that late

What Time do Iron Maiden fans go to bed?

2 minutes till midnight!

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I made this joke today, and it's the worst joke. This is an original, please read till the end and you will see.

Edit: Yes, it's a joke of another joke (Obviously should be able to tell from the title). Read through, not only the punchline is different, you should be able to notice the other subtle changes.



There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-known...

I bought a new fish

For my ornamental pond but as soon as I put the fish in the water he hid behind a rock. Fine I thought probably take a few days till he's used to the pond. After a week he was still hiding behind the rock. So I rang the pet shop and explained to the pet shop owner what was happening. He asked me whi...

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A man in a balaclava walked up to my till and put a gun to my head.

"Don't try anything smart!" he ordered.

"OK." I replied.

"Open your till and give me the money!" he yelled.

I said, "I don't know how to open it."

He said, "Don't be fucking stupid!"

I said, "Jesus...make your mind up."

Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side...

...only three more sleeps till Christmas.

A Dutch, English and Chinese man wash up on an island

A Dutch, English and Chinese man survive a boat accident and wash up on an island. They need food, water and supplies to survive the night.
The Dutch guys says that he will gather the food, the English man will get water and the Chinese man is send for supplies.

When the Dutch and the Eng...

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Owner of a wine shop...

...gets a call in the middle of the night.

A slightly panicky voice on the other end asks, "It's kind of an emergency. When does your shop open?" He replies in an exasperated voice, "I just closed half an hour ago. So it won't open till tomorrow morning."

Sometime later the owner i...

One of the best moments in my life was hearing my wife day "till death do us part."

I wish I would've known she was talking about her legs....

"Doctor, I think my wife has a hearing problem. "

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think my wife has a hearing problem. She doesn't seem to hear what ever I tell her."

The doctor replies, "Oh, is that so? Well, let me try to help you. Just try this method when you get home today. Stand around 50 feet from her and ask her somethi...

My wife told me I spend too much time on Reddit.

Wait till she finds out I downvoted her comment.

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A very drunk Paddy meets a prostitute up an alley...

He asks, "how much for full sex?"

"$50" she replies.

"Ok" says Paddy and they get down to business.

Next minute a policeman appears and shines his torch in their faces. "Whats going on here then?" he asks.

"Nothing officer, I'm just having sex with my wife."

"Sorry...

A man is trying to satisfy a woman.

He puts more and more of himself inside her, till finally he crawls all the way in. Once inside , he sees another guy already there. He asks the first guy, Hiw are we going to crawl out of here? The guy says Crawl? Help me find my keys and we’ll drive my truck.

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[NSFW] So my penis was in the guiness book of world records...

Till the librarian asked me to take it out.

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