UPJOKE
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Spread Jokes

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I really hope coronavirus can't spread through sex

It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.

The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors

1. How dense the population is
2. How dense the population is

Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?

Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

God is travelling around the world to spread his religon

He gets to India and asks the public, 'Will you take my commandments to be yours?' The public says no and decides to try elsewhere.

He gets to China and asks, 'Will you follow my commandments?' And the public replies no.

He gets to Israel and asks, 'Will you take my commandments?' The ...

My friend is spreading rumours about me being schizophrenic.

Well, three can play that game!

There’s a virus that makes us forget 80s music. It may be spreading.

No one knows the Cure

My government is spreading obviously false covid-19 info about x-mas parties

Here in Sweden the government lies and says that we can have Christmas gatherings of up to 8 people without any problems. Such obvious bull! Who knows 8 people without any problems?

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For me, getting girls is like spreading butter...

It's much easier with a knife.

Did you know, that if you take all of the human organs and spread them out on a football field.

You get arrested

I'm glad China only spread a virus and not a bear.

Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.

A man brings some flowers home to his wife. She’s so surprised by his romantic gesture that she lays back on the dining table, throws her legs in the air and spreads them.

Her husband confused looks down and goes, “What’s that for?"

His wife replies, “For the flowers of course."

He thinks for a moment and asks, “Don’t we have a vase?"

When I die, I want my remains spread at Disneyland.

Also, I don't want to be cremated.

I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.

The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Although COVID spreads mostly through the mouth & nose..

..scientists now conclude the greatest risk comes from assholes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God decides to spread his word

so he goes around the nations. He gets to the americans and tries to give a commandment to an american he meets.
God: "Can I intrest you in a commandment?"
American: "What does it say?"
God: "Thou shalt not kill."
American: "In USA we kill to settle disputes. Murder, execution; that's ho...

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Everyone credits Pastors and Priests for spreading the gospel..

But no on seems to appreciate the stunning amount of missionary work done by porn stars..

I woke up with an allergic reaction spreading all over my body.

Instinctively I thought to go straight to the doctor, but then I realized quickly that one should never make rash decisions!

My wife and I found this GREAT chickpea spread.....

it's so good we wish it could SING. But all it could do was hummus a tune.

Debra is the office gossip, always ready to find dirt on her coworkers and spread it around the office.

One day, on her lunch break, Debra sees one of her coworkers’ son sharing a meal with a woman who is clearly not his wife. Knowing that this could be the drama of the century, Debra gets in her car and follows them to a house, then takes pictures of them kissing from between the blinds. Her break is...

Step 1 - fool people into believing you've been chosen by God to spread his word

Step 2 - prophet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The World Health Organization has said Monkeypox is primarily spreading through sex.

So Redditors should be safe.

A Rabbi Wants to Spread Judaism with the World

A rabbi wants to spread Judaism with the world but isn’t sure where he would like to start. He decides he will spin a globe and randomly place his finger to stop it. He does this and lands in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The rabbi goes on a boat, and sails to the spot he chose. As it turns out, ...

Stop spreading the fake news that women are forced to wear hijabs.

It's their free choice between wearing them or getting stoned to death.

COVID-19 is like Pasta

Asians invented it, Italians spread it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bloke goes into a British pub on a hot summer’s day and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

..."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread your arse cheeks and lick all that sweat."

She says, ...

What do aliens spread on their toast?

Space jam.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is buttcheeks one word...

or should I spread them apart?

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up...

Why China is arresting people for spreading misinformation?

Because spreading misinformation is government's job.

I have two conditions in my will...

1) I want my remains spread around Disney World

2) I do not want to be cremated

I really love fruit spread...

That's my jam!

Hagrid spreading Dumbledore's ashes into the winds.

"You're a blizzard Albus."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Bobby was running through the woods

Little Bobby was running through the woods behind his house when the urge to go #2 struck. Bobby did his business behind a tree and carried on his way. The next day, Bobby was out behind his house again when he saw a swarm of flies circling yesterday's droppings. Intrigued, Bobby dropped his pants a...

Flat-earthers have heard their theory is spreading around the globe

They don't believe it.

A New Strain Spreading Faster Than COVID

Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study reports.

Scientists warn that a virulent strain of humans are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving researchers at a...

Scientists have demonstrated that nerves spread throughout the body are related to human personality.

For example, if a subjects arms are removed, that subject becomes much less likely to volunteer for science tests.

As I spread my girlfriend's legs I thought to myself...

This is the strangest thing I've ever had on toast.

What do you get when you cross a rock'n'roller with a triangle of cheese spread?

DairyLea Lewis

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Two young Mormon missionaries are spreading the good word around South-East Asia when they accidentally walk in to a brothel

This becomes increasingly clearer to the two young men as the attractive, scantily clad women begin to make poorly veiled sexual entreaties in broken English. The two have practically no knowledge of, or experience with, women, and begin sweating profusely when the truth dawns. The first missionary ...

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He st...

Simpness has spread like a disease...

luckily, I don’t show no simp-toms.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

How does knowledge get spread around an Army base?

It goes from being Private Information to General Information

The coronavirus was spread by.....

Chinese hackers.

The WHO now says Covid-19 first spread through dog urine

It was a lab leak!

I wear a mask. Not because I want to, but because it is considerate of others and helps stop the spread of particulates.

I also wear underwear. Not because I want to, but...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.

This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven

When an old man approaches.

"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.

"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him ve...

Time to spread positivity!

Edit: Later today I was arrested and detained at the HIV clinic.

How did COVID-19 spread in Hyrule?

Someone decided to eat a Keeseburger.

How did the British variant of Covid spread?

Through British airways.

Corona Virus has spread to species of birds

It now infects bat man and robin

Did you hear the Cookie Monster got Covid?

The CDC confirmed it was the om-nom-nom-nom-icron variant.




Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Edit 2: Thank you everyone for the awards. Just trying to brighten everyone's day with a little joke. I hope this joke spreads far and wide....like Covid. Stay safe everybody...

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

Why are stars and galaxies spread throughout the universe?

Kosmosis.

Why do anti-vaccine ideas spread?

They go viral.

With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..

“Made in China”

Under President Trump, ISIS continues to spread across Middle East

as a fine red mist.

Horse Whip Sandwich Spread

Mix horseradish and Miracle Whip together to make a kicking sandwich spread. I call it Horse Whip and you can put it on most anything!

I'm really trying to spread positivity

But once I test positive I'm told not to spread it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men pass away in a tragic car crash

Their girlfriends are trying to figure out what to do with their ashes. The first woman says "hey, my boyfriend really loved nature. I'm going to spread his ashes throughout the forest so he can be eternally connected with the wilderness."

The second woman says "hey, my boyfriend was really i...

The CEO of a company was in need of a secretary

He spread ads all over town. A few days later, there was a knock on his door. It was a dog. He had a newspaper in his mouth. He opened it to the classifieds page and pointed to the ad that the CEO had placed. The CEO was impressed. But he thought it was a joke, so he decided to test the dog:

...

Did you hear PBR is coming out with a new beer cheese spread?

Its called Pabst-Schmear

There are three ways to spread news

telegram, television and tellawoman.

What do you call white chocolate hazelnut spread?

Nut-ella (I’m sorry I’m terrible at jokes)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After returning home from the Vietnam war, a general stands before three of his soldiers.

He says, “For your bravery and dedication, you will be greatly rewarded. This is what we’re going to do: choose any length of your body to be measured, and I will give you as many million dollars as feet the part you chose is long.”

The first soldier spreads his arms as much as he can and ask...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist told me that it's important to spread positivity.

Which has saved me a bunch of money on condoms.

I hope this virus doesn't spread to Antarctica...

I heard the local populous couldn't fly out of there even if they wanted to.

CDC now says that covid-19 isn't easily spread through surface touching

100 bucks says it's just so casinos can open

I use geese to spread the right political messages

It's a proper gander

A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive...

After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.

It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay.

“It doesn't matter,” answers the doctor.

“Look, I was having a gin ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.

“What are you doing?” the man inquires.
“Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!”
“Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!”

He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little...

Jesus was having a hard time spreading his message...

So God turned him off and on again

I got knocked off my bike by a salt spreading truck last winter.

"You IDIOT" I shouted through gritted teeth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blind Pilots

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.


Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and th...

ALERT‼️‼️‼️ The corona virus can be spread through money.

If you have any money at home, put on some gloves, put all the money in a plastic bag and put it outside the front door tonight.
I'm collecting all the plastic bags tonight for safety. Think of your health.

If I spread the influenza to a group of people

Does that make me an influen-cer?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my doctor if coronavirus spreads through sex

"if you do handshakes while doing it, yeah"

Only thing that spreads faster than COVID

among the elderly is good morning msgs.

The real reason all the libraries are closing is not to help stop the spread of infection.

Its becuase after all the toilet paper was gone, people all started to check out the books with 1000+ pages

Letter from 7 to 6

Dear 6,

Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you two do some pretty nasty things together.

Sincerely,
7

Jehovah is showing Ra around Heaven one day...

... when a man runs up to them, crosses himself, then spreads his arms and closes his eyes.

"Excuse me," Jehovah says to Ra, "this will only take a second." He waves his hands, there's a flash of light, and a purring kitten goes scampering away from where the man had been.

"Other than ...

Osama bin Laden dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got a couple of folks here who weren't qui...

How do you call a nationwide spread of bad jokes?

Pundemic.

I'll show myself out.

I wanted to run a DnD game where the party would be setting up a gynecology clinic, but my gaming group started spreading a false rumor that it was a kink thing?

It was just a smear campaign...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is my absolute favorite "so bad it's good" joke

A man went to the doctor with a horrible itch in his ass. After an examination, the doctor gave him his diagnosis:

\- You have an enormous tapeworm in there. This is not a matter of normal treatment, so my advice to you is to insert a boiled egg in your anus followed by a gummy bear. Call me ...

The best way to stop Covid-19 spreading...

Would be to post it in *new

What do you call a person who spreads flu?

Influenzer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was taken to court by several people for spreading scandalous rumors about their sex lives

The judge asked the man, "Do you have anything to say in your defense?"

"Well your honor," responded the man. "I grew up on a very small land mass in the ocean and its just a part of our culture."

Not satisfied, the judge asked, "What culture could you possibly belong to that would lea...

As Covid19 winds down, another virus is spreading like wildfire

Covid19 may be winding down, but a brand new virus, the ID10t virus, is spreading like wildfire.
Symptoms of the ID10t virus include mental and comprehension issues. Symptoms include schitzophasia, a condition where words are misunderstood. A victim may hear or read a words like "baking soda" a...

What's a neckbeard's favorite spread?

Marm'lady

I'm trying to spread "quotient" awareness

Please upvote for divisibility.

Did you hear about the COVID-19 spreading like crazy in Italy?

Looks like it's being pasta around.

I decided to do some good and spread some positivity...

The HIV clinic didn’t take well to it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superman is flying around the city, horny as hell...

He suddenly sees Wonder Woman spread eagle, naked on top of the building. Superman thinks, "This is my chance!" He swoops down, faster than a speeding bullet bangs her and is gone in the blink of an eye. Wonder Woman sits up and says,"What the hell was that!?" The Invisible Man rolls off her and say...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With the spread of Coronavirus, many around the world appear to be developing Constipation:

Doctors say it is not a symptom of the disease, but rather an effect of the panic being incited by the disease. One doctor even proclaimed, "People seem to be Scared Shitless!"

It’s recently been discovered coronavirus spreads fastest on pirate ships

It’s because they have a really high R number

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Persuading girl into having sex with you is like spreading the butter on a toast.

It is possible with credit card, but it makes more sense using a knife.

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs.

The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

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