Speaker Jokes - 103 Hilarious Speaker Jokes

My Bluetooth speaker wasn't working so I threw it into the lake...

Now it's syncing.

How can you tell if a Redditor isn't a native English speaker?

They'll inform you after three paragraphs of professional English.

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”

That was some sound advice.

A majority of English Speakers do not know the opposite of these words...

Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down.

If you turn the base up too high, you blow out your speaker

and then your party is in trouble.

Communist party gathers, main speaker is Stalin. Someone sneezes.

Stalin: Comrades, who sneezed?

Silence.

Stalin: I ask again, comrades, who sneezed?

Silence intensifies.

Stalin: Shoot down first row!

Guards spray the first row with bullets.

Stalin: Comrades, i ask AGAIN, who sneezed?

Dead silence.

Stalin: Sh...

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

I bought a speaker and it said “built in bluetooth”…

Where the heck is Bluetooth?

I ordered a vault and a speaker from Amazon..

They arrived safe and sound

In the House of Commons, the new speaker made an announcement

The old speaker will pack his bags and go become the speaker in Washington DC as part of an exchange program given that it would improve the average IQ of both legislatures' speakers.

What do you call a dog that provides the bass for speaker systems?

A subwoofer

The new Itit a speaker breast implant.

It will finally solve the problem of men starring at women's breast and not listening to them.

LPT: If you are ever at a party or business meeting with Spanish speakers, make sure to stand up and say “Mucho”

It means a lot to them

What do you call smart speakers that settle debates and create disagreements at the same time?

Decisive divisive devices!

A man tries to find success as an Anti-motivational speaker

"In today's world of toxic positivity, we need more HEALTHY NEGATIVITY! Acknowledge your limitations! Understand your lack of potential! Remember that in this world of many people, you are NOT SPECIAL and EASILY REPLACEABLE!"

An audience member suddenly stood up, tears streaming down his fac...

My grandfather taught me the value of getting top quality speakers.

It was sound advice.

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Every night, the sounds of loud aggressive pornography blast from my neighbours’ apartment.

We’ve tried talking about it but I don’t care what they say; I’m not disconnecting from their Bluetooth speakers.

How does a pirate set up a Bluetooth speaker?

Parrot with his phone

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The speaker at a horror conference asks the audience...

"Do you like ghosts?"

"Yes," everyone says.

"Do you believe in ghosts?"

"Yes," everyone says.

"Have you ever seen a ghost?"

"Yes," half the room says.

"Have you ever talked to a ghost?"

"Yes," a few people say.

"Have you ever shagged a ghost...

What is the difference between Kevin McCarthy and a newborn baby?

In a few months, the baby will be a speaker.

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How do Japanese speakers living in the Midwestern United States say "Good morning"?

Ohio!

How many motivational speakers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Zero, because the change starts with you.

Albert Einstein was running 20 minutes late as a guest speaker at a science conference.

He finally arrived apologizing profusely.

Einstein: "I am so terribly sorry you all had to wait. Anyway, here's my presentation."

Host: "It's about time."

Einstein: "And space!"

A motivational speaker gave blood, what was his blood type?

B-Positive

TIFU by plugging in the wrong speaker into my computer, causing a blackout in my neighbourhood

Whoops, wrong sub

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry...

...to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him, he complained, "I forgot my teeth, what am I going to do now!?"
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocke...

A few weeks ago I ordered a box to store my money and a set of speakers online.

They arrived today, safe and sound.

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My friend bought a loud speaker

He suddenly played a beat drop ass song.

I screamed.

He asked, "What's wrong?"

I said "It hertz."

What do Spanish speakers scream on a roller-coaster?

Nosotros...

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Laptop Speakers! Too quiet for music ...

Yet too loud for porn

A friend of mine works in a recording studio and he was telling me which are the best speakers to buy.

It was sound advice.

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The sex conventions keynote speaker was asked to talk about reproduction

He stands up, says ‘It gives me great pleasure…”, and sits back down.

For German-speakers: How many helpers does Weihnachtsmann have?

Elf.

So, I bought these ceiling mounted speakers...

When I glanced over the instruction manual it read: “Screwing up is Mandatory”

What would you call Dobby, the house elf, if he were a really good speaker?

Dolby.

I blew a speaker in my car today..

It was a motivational speaker. It left a bad taste in my mouth, but I feel a lot better about myself.

How do you know someone with excellent English isn't a native speaker?

They apologize for their bad English.

(Inspired by seeing an example on this sub.)

I finally named my favorite speaker today

Sir Round Sound

I heard Mia Khalifa is interested in becoming a public speaker

When asked why, Mia Khalifa said "I want people to care more about what comes out of my mouth than what goes in it."

Why did the motivational speaker have a shirt made of stamps?

Because he is an outgoing male.

What do English speakers yell when they're on a rollercoaster?

Weeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

What do Spanish speakers yell when they're on a roller coaster?

Nosotros!!!!!

A Dutch speaker and a German speakerwalk into a bar

They get extremely drunk and then two Dutch speakers walk out

I bought some new speakers today......

I think I made a sound investment.

Tesla has announced an Alexa speaker.

It is supposed to be quite elonquent.

One for the French speakers

A Frenchman was beating me with bread.
Oh, the pain!

What did the motivational speaker ask the bottle of water?

Do you have what it takes to be a liter?

Why do cardiac surgeons make the best public speakers?

Nobody else can touch as many hearts as them.

People say I should be a motivational speaker,

But I don't have the motivation.

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I'm not native speaker, how would you rate this ?

A student is taking the chemistry class. The subject is acids and bases. An another student can't figure out whether NH3 is an acid or a base. The student tells him "Oh, it's so basic! How can't you know that ?"

Or should I say, is it a proper joke ?

English speakers yell "yes" or "yeah" when excited. Spanish speakers yell "sí"....

...French speakers sound like they're going down rollercoasters.

What did the motivational speaker dolphin believe?

That everybody in life has a porpoise

It’s been a nightmare trying to find a keynote speaker for our first ever Impostor Syndrome conference..

Everyone I’ve asked has told me that they don’t deserve to be there.

Motivational speakers: Say "I will" instead of "I wish"

Me: I will my parents loved me

My waterproof speaker got damaged when I threw it into the pool.

I filed a request for a replacement but they denied my request saying, "It's not our fault the pool was empty".

Problems of Bein a non-native English speaker

The problem with being a non native English speaker is, that your brain sometimes just sucks up random words and you then use them later without really having a proper intestinal lining of said words. You just hope you used them correctly.

What language has the least number of speakers?

Sign language.

I just blew a speaker in my car.

He said he was motivational.

Last weekend I went to see my gf's soccer match and she did this awesome save...

...She's definitely a keeper!

Adam Johnson, the man seen carrying House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s lecture during the siege has been arrested.

His lawyer said that at the trial he won’t be taking the stand.

As a non-English speaker, this is how I remember the difference between niece & nephew.

A woman who's 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.

6 months later, she awakens and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doc: You actually had twins, a boy and a girl, and they're both fine. Luckily, we had your brother name the children for you

Woman : Oh no! Not my brother! He'...

For the second year in a row, I was the keynote speaker at a plastic surgery convention...

"I see a lot of new faces here today."

I'm pretty sure they won't invite me back next year.

What does the speaker say to the dog when they first meet?

"Sup, woofer!"

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A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students:

"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage."

With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.

"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.

"No...

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Did you hear the Speaker of Parliament was in a car crash?

He was really fucked up, eyes to the right, nose to the left

As a non-native speaker, I have to say, sorry about the bad English

That I'm about to get in replies from the native born speakers.

What's a difference between a suicidal french speakee & a terrified english speaker when you point a gun at them?

I don't know, it sounds the same.

My buddy who is obsessed with himself bought a speaker just to listen to his own memoirs.

It really speaks volumes about him as a person.

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So I did some research...

and Chinese people like listening to music on their phones with earbuds, black people like portable speakers, Mexicans prefer cheaper systems in their home with big speakers and white people like higher end but compact systems...

Sorry, I guess I shouldn't be discussing racial stereo types.

A motivational speaker retired due to depression

He discovered he had B Negative blood

What do you call a group of motivational speakers?

A fleece.

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True Story, conference speakers tale.

3 day conference wednesday to friday, 9-6pm, 60 speakers, several hundred in attendance. Our guy draws the 5pm friday slot.
Walks in 5 mins before as the crowd is emptying out from the previous talk. Starts setting up the computer, looks up, just one guy left sitting in the front, rest of the ha...

why are chemists bad public speakers?

because almost every element in their speech ends with um

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A motivational speaker talks about getting what you want

A motivational speaker has a crowd all riled up. "If you want sweets,", he says, "buy a sweets shop. If you want to lose weight, just lose weight! Whatever you want, just take it!"

After wrapping up and getting ready to leave, he pauses at the parking lot. "Who took my *fucking* motorcycle...

so there was this rich man and he was throwing a party and he invites all the people in town including the only redneck, Killroy

They were have a great time at this party.. watching the game, drinking beer and bbqing. Then the rich man announces on his loud speaker "Ladies and gentleman, i have a 30 ft man-eating alligator in my pool. Whoever's brave enough to jump into the pool and kill the gator I'll give them 1 million dol...

Why did the blind, non-native English speaker fall in the well?

He couldn’t see that good.

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All-Female Crew As the aircraft was taxiing towards the runway to take off, the voice on the speaker welcomed passengers on board and introduced them to the pilot.

"Your captain is Miss Mary Joystick...."

"You mean to tell me this plane is being piloted by a woman?"asked an alarmed passenger to a stewardess."

"Yes, sir," replied the stewardess. "So is the co-pilot, Miss Jane Understudy. So also are the radio operator and the navigator, they are a...

A speaker arrives in a small town for a conference...

A speaker arrives in a small town for a conference, and checks into his hotel. Having caught laryngitis a few days before, he sets out down Main St. looking for a doctor's office. It's a small town on a Friday afternoon so he is worried he won't find anyone to treat him, and that he won't be able ...

What's the similarity between a latin speaker and a necrophiliac?

They both appreciate a dead tongue.

A speaker has been a speech for six hours...

Finally, already feeling tired, he says:

"Excuse me, friends, perhaps I talked too extensively. Sadly I don't have a clock with me."

A voice from the hall replies: "No problem. There's a calendar hanging behind you."

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A college advertising lecture is taking place. The speaker is presenting his anti-drug PSA.

He says:

- I am the author of a simple, yet effective campaign against drug use.

He shows the poster he designed. It shows two circles, one big and the other small. The big one is titled "This Is Your Brain", the small one is titled "This Is Your Brain on Drugs". The speaker says:
<...

Hippo was a great motivational speaker. Hippo taught that you must never give up. Hippo didn’t follow his own advice.

Hippo Quit

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

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An american was invited to a conference in France as a speaker.

He was not speaking French at all but being a smart guy and wanting to impress the audience he learns by heart his entire speech in French.

When his moment come, he goes on the stage and realizes he completely forgot the introduction. So he looks around the room and notices the toilets in the...

Non english speakers, translate the best joke you have from your language. Other redditors will have to guess from what country the joke is.

Obviously, names and places will have to be translated too.

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I asked a black man on the street if he could come fix my speaker set up, since he must be good at fixing electronics.

He told me I used the wrong stereo type.

How do Spanish Speakers like to cut their pizza?

With little ceasars.

As I helped my friend with some speaker equipment, he asked "Will this make a sound if I unplug it?" I smiled as a wave of nostalgia hit me square in the heart. "What's up?" my friend asked, noticing my change in demeanor.

"That's the last thing I said to my grandma."

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

Why is James Bond a terrible motivational speaker?

Because the audiences are shaken, not stirred.

House Speaker: I now invite Bill de Blasio, the president of the United States to give his address to the nation.

Bill de Blasio : 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington DC. Thank you!!

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Victoria's Secret recently invented a bra that contains Bluetooth speakers ...

... because so many women had complained that men stare at their breasts instead of listening to them.

What's the difference between the Congress and my 30yr transister radio?

My radio still has a working speaker.

"These speakers didn't cost that much so I doubt they will work well"

"that is a cheap stereotype"

A black guy stole the speakers out of my car.

Stereotypical

I just heard an announcement on a loud speaker outside my home saying, "If you invest $50 just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".

I went out and saw the idiot; he was selling chairs

What do the Italians refer to the speaker of their church as?

The pasta.

My friend told me that for minimal lag i should use an analogue connection instead of Bluetooth for my speaker system....

Sound advice.

I was named Chief Speaker at the Society of Introverts.

Thank God no-one showed up.

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A priest, a lawyer and a teacher with his students were on a plane

The plane was going through some heavy turbulence. Suddenly, the pilot got on the speaker and said the plane is going down. The stewardess broke the bad news: only 3 parachutes for the passengers. The lawyer said to the priest and teacher, "Perfect! One for each of us. Lets GO!"

Then the teac...

If the French always say "hon hon" then what do Canadian French speakers say?

"Honk honk"

So Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing

The first to play is Jesus. After his swing, the ball land in the lake. He runs towards it, walks on the water and grabs the ball. Then it's Moses' turn. Bad luck, the same thing happens to him. He walks to the lake, spreads the water into two parts and grabs the ball on the dry ground. Finally, it'...

Why can't you connect 2 speakers at the same time to an apple device?

They work in pears.

Why do Spanish-speakers only use the fire extinguisher when they burn the cheese?

Because they were told, “only use in queso emergency”

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