UPJOKE

None Of Your Business Jokes

A Quaint Vermont fishing lodge

An older couple owned a quite fishing lodge with a beautiful lake. They often rented their cabins to fishermen but now and again they had honeymooners stay with them.
A young couple just checked in to their honeymoon suite. And five minutes later the husband was out on the lake in a boat fishing....

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Little Johnny was bathing with his mother

As she got out to dry off, he notices her upper torso he asks “Momma what are those?”

She replies “Johnny, those are my breasts,”

As she turns her back to him he asks “Momma what is that?”

She replies “Johnny, that is my derriere.”

As she turns to slip on her robe he s...

A man once challenged everyone that he can answer all questions with just two sentences.

The man claimed that all questions can be answered by either "None of your business" or "None of my business".

Then a wise man came to him, and asked, "Don't you think answering questions like that make people unhappy?"

The man replied with "None of my business."

The wise man th...

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?

Waitress (slaps me): That’s none of your business!

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A game of hide and seek

4 brothers were playing a game of hide and seek; Manners, None of your business, Shit and Trouble.
Manners, being the oldest, is elected as the seeker. Not long after finishing counting, he finds None of your business and Shit. Trouble, the youngest of the brothers, is noted as the best hide and ...

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Let me tell you a story about why I don’t take hitchhikers anymore

So one time I’m driving down a country road with a friend. A hitchhiker signals us to stop, asks where we are headed and we agree to give him a ride.

Now the guy has a huge bag. I’m talking about the same size as a person kind of bag, we had trouble fitting it in the back. But at this point ...

A man walked onto a bus with an elephant.

He stuffs a piece of bread into each ear of the elephant.

"What the hell is that???" Yelled the shocked driver.

The man replies, annoyed "None of your business what I put in my sandwich."

Menu Joke

A couple walks into a local restaurant. They get seated and are reading the menu when they notice an amazing meal deal. So once the waitress comes over one of the couples asks can I ask you about the menu, please? To which the waitress responds the men I please is none of your business.

Strangely Named

There were once three children, whose names were rather unfortunate

The first child was named "none of your business"
The Second child was named "Manners"
The third child was named "Trouble"

Trouble was lost, so none of your business and manners went to the local police station f...

A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel over his crotch.

The bartender asks, "Hey, what's with the steering wheel?"

The man replies, "It's none of your business"

The bartender asks again, "Come on, tell me"

The man replies, "I told you it's none of your business"

The bartender pleads one more time, "You have to tell me whats wi...

Q: Why did the libertarian cross the road?

A: None of your business. Am I being detained?!

Inspirational quotes to live by until I got divorced

# Here's the original 7 quotes to live by:

1. Make peace with your past, so it won't disturb your future.
2. What other people think of you is none of your business.
3. The only person in charge of your happiness is you.
4. Don't compare your life to others. Comparison is the thief o...

A rich man visits Karl Marx as he's writing the Communist manifesto.

He asks: "So what's in that book of yours, Mr. Marx?"

Marx replies: "None of your business."

Why did the sovereign citizen cross the road?

That none of your business and I am free to travel on my way without being harassed, am I being detained?

My wife and I went to a restaurant last night...

My wife wanted to know if they had a vegan friendly menu. So I flagged down the waitress and said "I have a question about the menu, please". To which the waitress responded "The men I please is none of your business"

A man goes to a restaurant and asks waitress "Can I know about the menu please"

The waitress ignores him.
The man politely asks again, "Can you let me know about the menu please"
The waitress ignores him again.
The man being a gentleman he was, asks again, "I want to know the menu please!"
The waitress gets irritated and responds, "It's none of your business to know...

Ant and elephant decide to got to vacation but the elephant has no visa.

Ant comes up with a simple solution - he takes two pieces of bread and ties one of them to the back of the elephant and other to the belly.
Once they get to the border, ant presents his visa and all other documents.
When the guard asks about the papers of the elephant, ant says: "It's none of ...

Old Miss Green

An old lady in our neighborhood had been ill. My wife asked our daughter to go and see how old Miss Green was this morning. Donna returned quickly. “Miss Green said it was none of your business how old she is!”

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As Vernon the vampire bat flew inside the cave…

his friends started at him with a mixture of admiration and jealousy.

“Yo Vernon, your face is covered with blood! What kind of animal did you feed from?”

Vernon gazed as his friends and said smugly “None of your business!”

“C’mon Man! Don’t be an idiot! Tell us!”

“Nah. N...

Three New Zealanders and three Australians are at a train station...

The Aussies notice that the Kiwis only bought 1 train ticket between the three of them.

"How exactly do you three plan on travelling with one ticket?" one asked.

"None of your business, mate" said one of the Kiwis.

Skeptical, the Aussies watched them as they boarded the train, t...

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So a guy goes to the Doctor for a physical.....

and when he drops his pants, the doctor notices that the gentelmen has extremely brown testicles. The doctor says "Wow, I have never seen such brown testicles, how did you get these?!"
The patient calmly states "this is none of your business,sir. Please just finish the examination"
The Docotor...

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Be Careful What You Ask For...

There was a guy who was born deformed, he didn't have a body, he was just a head. He had family and a loyal group of friends that would include him and they would usually just carry him under their arm from place to place.

One day he went with friends to a local bar where they sat him on top...

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