UPJOKE

Not NSFW: Next year, I'm moving to Greenwich, England

I don't know what I'll do in the mean time.

This time next year you guys will be laughing about all the Coronavirus fears of today...

Not every one of you, of course.

The Cowboy's are going to the Super Bowl next year

The whole team already bought tickets.

This was the year I got all I wanted: a girlfriend, a steady job, and many new friends. All I could want for the next year is...

to be able to post this in a different sub.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was 6, Santa gave me coal for Christmas, so the next year I decided to get back at him and poison his cookies.

Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad.

Next year I'll give up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights...

It's going to be Excel Lent

Me and my childhood crush are marrying next year

Hers is in February and mine in July

King Charles to get Crown next year...

You know U.K. dentistry is bad when the King can't even get a dentist appointment.

Britain just announced that from next year, they will put a cap on new immigrants. I vehemently disagree with this policy.

Immigrants should be allowed to put whatever head dress they prefer.

Who is hosting next year’s Oscars?

Jerry Springer.

When you turn 61, the next year feels like it’s only a minute long …

… because it’s your sixty-second year.

It's 2021, but next year

So we suffered through 2020 already, and I know if felt like 2020 won, but next year is 2020 too!

These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys said "What’s that board for?"
The tr...

I want to go to Vegas next year

But I can't find any information about what happens there

Donald Trump WILL be president next year...

For about 19 days.

Next year could be a Re-do of last year:

It’s 2020 too. And we know this year that 2020 won.

My New Year Resolution is to be completely serious next year

I'm not joking

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike.

The cop says to the young girl, "Nice bike you got there sweetheart. Did Santa bring that to you?"

“Yes, he did,” she replied sweetly.

With a smile on his face, the cop says "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike,” and he proceeds to hand the girl a $20 ticket....

An 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.

After a year she gave birth in a hospital. The nurse congratulated the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. What's the secret?"...

Facebook's launching its own cryptocurrency next year called Libra...

missed opportunity to call it zuck buck

My aim for next year is to have perfect sight.

That's my 2020 vision.

Enough with the “I’ll see you next year” jokes on New Years!

Those jokes are a decade old now!

They should wait until next year to do the census

Cause it’ll be easier to count

Will glass coffins be the next years big thing?

Remains to be seen.

I'm thinking of getting laser eye surgery next year...

So I can see in 2020

I've told my suitcases that there will be no holiday next year.

I'm now dealing with emotional baggage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man loses his ass at a Las Vegas casino... (NSFW)

He has only his return plane ticket and a stash of cash at home, but not a penny with him. He sees one cab outside of the casino and pleads with the driver to give him the short ride to the airport, and he'll send the driver double his fare when he gets home.

"Goddamn filthy losers", says the...

Next year will be the year we all look back and

see everything so clearly because hindsight is 2020

Saw the CEO arriving to work in a Ferrari this morning. He noticed i was looking and he told me "if you work hard for this company, if you stay overtime without asking compensation, if you truly believe you can make a difference and instill the same passion into your colleagues...

... then probably next year I'll be able to go for a Lambo"

I can accurately predict all the major events happening next year...

I have 20/20 vision.

Happy holidays folks.

I'm gonna call next year hindsight

Because hindsight is always 20/20

Can't wait to get to next year. Thought I could beat 2020.

2021.

I know exactly what’s gonna happen next year

I have 20 20 vision!

You guys think "See you next year" is bad?

Imagine how kids in 1999 felt when their dad told them "See you next Millennium"

Anyone else wear glasses and is excited for next year?

I am! It's the first time we will see 2020.

Some people have said that next year should be a re-do of 2020, but I think we should wait another year

So it would be 2022.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

See you next year

I DID IT OK DONT JUDGE ME I HAVE TO DO IT EVERY FUCKING YEAR

My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today

and I couldn’t help but admire it. “Nice car,” I said as he got out. “Well,” he said, noticing my admiring looks, “Work hard, put the hours in, and I’ll have an even better one next year.” (Credit The Joke Cafe https://thejokecafe.com)

Im thinking about studying computer programming next year...

So i can C# in 2020

My resolution for the next year? The same as the previous years...

1920 x 1080

My mother asked if I knew what I was gonna do next year.

I told her that I didn't have any clue due to the debilitating state of my eyesight. Ever since I was four years old, I have had severe astigmatism and the diametric measurement of my foveal avalascular zone. When I was seventeen, I was told of the very real possibility of being blind and the age of...

My dad said jokingly, “I’ll see you next year.”

Then he left to go get a pack of cigarettes... It’s 2019, and he’s not back yet.

Canada just announced that they are launching their first manned space shuttle next year.

They are calling it the Apollo-G.

A Hunter

A man goes hunting and runs into a bear. He takes dead aim and fires. When the smoke clears, he sees no bear. The bear taps him on the shoulder and says: bend over or I eat you. The next year, the hunter brings a bear gun, sees the very same bear, takes dead aim and fires. When the smoke clears, the...

I have a Request for European Redditors, When my cousin Miles visits next year...

Please don't call him Kilometers.

It just doesn't translate.

A young Naval Officer has just boarded a ship that he will serve on for the next year.

He meets with the captain who gives him a tour, and tells him the way things are done on this ship. After the tour the young officer asks his captain “Sir we’re going to be on this boat for the next year, how do you guys last that long without the company of a woman?”. The captain ushers the young o...

Better Luck Next Year Kiddo!

I'm going to give my kid a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying “Toys not included.”

I have a special ability that allows me to see everything that happens next year.

I call it 2020 vision.

A lot of opticians will be going out of business next year

Everyone is going to have 2020 vision

Did you hear Han Solo will be running next years London Marathon?

He says he reckons he'll be able to finish in less than 26 miles

Anybody want to bet me that next year is going to be worse than this one?

I'm offering odds of 20 2 1.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer gets a letter

A humble farmer goes out to his mailbox, seeing that a letter has arrived.

"Dear Ronald J. Kse,

This year we have chosen you to be the host of this year's harvest reap! All you need to do is provide your humble farm as the place of the party, and we will all provide.

Thanks, you...

I wish Youtube would only allow videos in 1080p or higher from next year on

That would be a nice New Year's resolution.

I'm going to run a marathon next year.

It's a huge challenge, but 26 miles in 365 days is definitely doable.

Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys next year?

It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.

What did the gamer say when they were told they had to spend the next year inside their home, physically isolated from the rest of the world?

What's the catch?

My goal for next year is to save enough money to make myself a Velcro wall.

And I plan on sticking to it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

My wife asked me to provide her with encouragement as she attempts to lose weight next year.

I said, “Don’t worry. It’ll be a piece of cake.”

My eye doctor just told me my eyesight is so perfect I can see into next year!

He called it “2020 Vision.”

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, t...

It's the final day of the annual pirate convention, and the debate over the site of next years convention begins...

One pirate says, "how about ARRRbys!", many pirates nod in agreement.

Another pirate says, "how about ARRRkansas", even more pirates are pleased at that suggestion.

A third pirate says, "how about Boston!", a confused murmur spreads across the room, "stay with me here" says the pirate,...

UHD TVs are going to be obsoleted next year by the new standard: DBZ

It has a a vertical resolution that is over 9000.

When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days...

I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.

An old man sees a booth for helicopter rides for $50 at the county fair.

He says to his wife, “I’m getting up there in age, and I’ve always wanted to ride in a helicopter.”

His wife says, “absolutely not. 50 bucks is 50 bucks. You don’t need to ride in a helicopter.”

The next year at the fair, he sees the helicopter booth again and he asks again. The conver...

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song,...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.