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Medium Jokes

Most of the posts here are medium.

They aren’t rare and they are definitely not well done.

Girl asked if I was big down there. I said that it’s not big or small, it’s a medium…

It can talk to ghosts.

What do you call a fat medium?

A four-chin teller.

The medium is the massage...

Last year, I wrote a book on penguins. In retrospect, paper would have been much easier.

I cooked a medium-rare steak for my friend, and he said, “I like it Well Done.”

I said, “Thanks buddy. That means a lot.”

My pronouns are Rare/Medium Rare.

And if you don't use these, my feelings and mental health is at steak...

Why do Irish mediums do business in the supermarket?

Because that's where they get the messages.

Did you hear about the alcoholic medium?

He made all the spirits disappear.

Psychic medium: So you would like to contact your late wife?

Me: Yes

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: Oh my god, it’s her!!

Why did the medium cross the road?

To communicate with those on the other side.

Why are clairvoyants called mediums?

Because they're not rare or well done.

Yo mama is so fat, that if she could communicate with the dead…

… she wouldn’t be called a medium, but an extra large.

Why do mediums drink?

To get in touch with spirits.

Are there any medium rappers?

They're always Big or Lil

A Psychic buying clothes

Employee: How about this one?

Psychic: That shirt is too small.

Employee: You didn't even try it on.

Psychic: I'm a medium.

What's the difference between medium and rare?

6 inches is medium, but 8 is rare.

Source: The Jester by James Patterson

Why did the psychic medium hang himself?

To get to the other side.

I went to go see a medium

After meeting her I’d say she’s more of a large

"Two steaks please", I asked the writer. "Rare for me, medium rare for my friend."

He brought us a lovely bit of panda and a nice chunk of giraffe.

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What was Hitler’s favorite art medium?

Charcoal

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There is a fly.... (medium)

Hovering near the surface of a mountain lake. Over on the shore sits a frog. The frog says “If the fly drops four inches, I can eat him.”

Just below the surface of the lake is a fish. The fish sees the frog and says “If the fly drops for inches, the frog can get the fly, and I can get the fro...

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I lost my penis in an accident and they took me to the hospital.

The doctor said "don't worry we have a range of penises we can surgically attach. We have small, medium and big. They all cost £10,000. I'll leave you to discuss it with your wife" 20 minutes later the doctor comes back in and asks for a decision.
"I've discussed it with my wife and we've decide...

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Renouned psychic medium Derek Acorah died this morning.

Family find no peace in his passing. He still wont fucking shut up.

Me: Being a great artist is all about finding the right medium.

The 5th psychic I’ve been to today: judging by your work here, I see disappointment in your future.

How does a medium contact a dead window washer?

With a squeegee board

If I was a Medium I'd pretend to channel Marshall McLuhan..

then just sit there silently with a smug look on my face.

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A man is in a long line at the grocery store

A man is in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to dro...

What medium of exchange do cats use to get what they want?

Purrency.

When mediums get drunk and all sentimental...

They call their future spouses.

My coworker is in the hospital after eating a medium-well cooked cheeseburger

It was my cheeseburger.

Why is there never a happy medium?

You'd be bummed out to if you would have to deal with ghosts all day.

A blonde is on her way to Michigan...(Medium joke)

The flight attendant notices her sitting in first class sit, to which she doesn't belong. She asks the blonde to please move to her seat in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I deserve to sit where I want!"
The flight attendent goes to the co pilot and asks him to reloca...

I'm gonna start a company that makes medium sized pickles

Not to brag or anything but it's kind of a big dill.

[Medium Length]The Engineer and the Guillotine

On a beautiful Sunday afternoon in the midst of the French Revolution the revolting citizens led a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says he would like to face up so he will be looking towards h...

How rare is it for a cow to be struck by lightning?

Medium rare.

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When a girl asks you "Does my butt looks big in this?" That is her way of asking you to set the difficulty for the evening...

Easy mode: Of course not honey, you look wonderful.

Medium mode: Hmm, maybe try a different pair of pants.

Hard mode: Yes, but it looks big in anything.

Impossible mode: Yes, but on the bright side, it draws attention away from your face.

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My dick isn't a big or a small; it's a medium.

It gets much larger when a female ghost floats by.

Why did the former medium quit drinking liquor?

Because she didn’t like spirits

A Swiss man is in hospital, all sorts of bones broken

His neighbour asks him: "How did you do that?"

Swiss: "I'm a bear hunter!"

Neighbour: "And...what happened?"

Swiss: "I stood at a small cave and said: 'Hoi Bärli!' A small bear came out and I let it go! Then I went to a medium-sized cave: 'Hoi Bärli!' A medium-sized bear came ...

I have never managed to find a happy medium

All the one's I've ever met have a haunted look to them.

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A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."

The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK,...... so how many sales did you make today?" The Geordie said "Just the one like" The manager groaned an...

What happens to short people when they smoke weed , do they get high or medium?

Lemme tell you what happens to them
They get offended.

A middle aged man needs to buy condoms, but he doesn't know what size he needs...

So he asks the cashier at the checkout line. She reaches over the counter, grabs his crotch, and calls out over the intercom, "Medium condoms needed at register 3!"

An older gentleman has the same problem later that day, so the woman grabs his crotch and calls out, "Large condoms needed at r...

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Hitler could've been better with his paintings.

Too bad he didn't believe in mixing colours.

Why do rogues and thieves in RPGs usually wear medium armor?

Because it's literally made out of 'hide'.

Courtesy of /u/Courin at /r/Guildwars2 (with minor editing):
https://www.reddit.com/r/Guildwars2/comments/3b8p5o/why_thieves_are_a_medium_armor_class_in_gw2/

A farmer has three bulls, One small, one medium, and one large.

The large one looks over the herd of cows and says, "Half these cows are mine!" The medium-sized bull then says, "A third of these cows are mine!" And the small bull, looking crestfallen, says, "Well, the rest of these cows are mine!"

The farmer comes home one day with a simply enormous bul...

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An Irishman has been shipwrecked and stranded on an island for over 20 years. [MEDIUM]

One day, on his daily walk of the beach, he sees something way out in the ocean. At first he couldn’t make out what it was, as it got closer, he could see something red.

Finally, it was close enough to determine that the red was actually the hair of a woman. A very pretty dame in her 20s. ...

A software developer claims to have written a condition that detects items larger than medium size.

Big if true.

A man is at the checkout line of a supermarket when he realises he forgot to buy condoms

A man is at the checkout line of a supermarket when he realises he forgot to buy condoms.

When his turn arrives, he looks at the cashier and asks "I'm sorry, I forgot to buy condoms, can you ask someone to bring me a packet?"

"That's fine", she tells him, "what size do you need?". He'...

My opinion on mediums where ideas and views on a particular issue can be exchanged?

I'm forum.

What do you call a dwarf psychic who escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

A farmer accidentally overcooked his, one of a kind, psychic cow

He now has a rare medium well done

A man and a woman sat down at a table to eat

I go up to them, ask what they would like to drink, and inform them of the specials tonight, the specials being a T-bone steak, or tilapia.

I take their orders and get them their drinks. A few minutes later, the chef signals that the orders are done.

Sitting on the delivery tray are 3...

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Fat guy wants to contact the spirit world

Fat guy says to his friend "I really wish I could talk to my dead brother, maybe I should get medium"

Friend says to him "A medium? You're gonna need an extra large motherfucker."

A male frog calls a medium line and he is told he'll meet a beautiful lady frog.

"Will it happen at a ball?" he asks. "no , in a biology class"

A local movie theatre was robbed of $600 worth of merchandise

The suspects stole 3 medium popcorns, 1 bag of skittles and 4 small diet cokes.

A woman decides to go home with a guy she met at a club one night

He's tall, tanned, strikingly handsome, and seems different than most other guys she meets.

Upon arrival at his place they head straight to the bedroom where she can't help but notice a shelf full of teddy bears.

On the bottom are small teddy bears, on the middle shelf are medium-siz...

A velociraptor struts into a bar, and the bartender exclaims, "Hold up! We don't serve your kind here."

The velociraptor looks at him and asks, "What about humans?" The bartender, puzzled, replies, "Well, yes, we serve humans." The velociraptor grins, "Perfect! I'll have one of those, medium-rare, please"

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

What do you call it when two psychics reach a compromise?

A happy medium!


No idea if I was the first to ever tell this joke, but I was damn proud of myself when I put it together as a kid xD

I was browsing r/Jokes last night and my girlfriend told me that she doesn't know why I bother trying to make people laugh on the internet for useless virtual points and that the only joke I have is in my underwear. So here goes:

"Marks and Spencer, Medium 33-35 inch waist, 90% cotton, 10% elastene, Made in China, Part of a 2 part set"

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