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High Jokes

Gas prices are so high...

That even the coronavirus stopped traveling..

Inflation in the USA is so high at this point that...…

\- I recieved a predeclined credit card in the mail.
\- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
\- Exxon-Mobil fired 25 Congressmen.
\- McDonald's is selling the amazing 1/4 ouncer.
\- Angelina Jolie adopted a kid from the US.
\- Moms and Dad's in Beverly Hills let go of ...

How do you know you have a high sperm count?

She has to chew before she swallow.

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Pot head gets really high on some good shit and goes home

Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes

Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!!

Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room...

Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper.

my bad p...

Back in high school..

...I was a huge metal fan. In math class, I had an 8/10 girl next to me, she turns me on so much. I always try really hard to impress her, she's so hot. The teacher starts passing back last weeks test, and 8/10 looks at me, smiles, and starts playing with her hair. I can't handle it, I start spinnin...

How do you know if an American sold drugs in high school?

They know what grams are.

Twenty years ago, my friend made a website where you compare getting high from different drugs.

It was the original trip advisor.

It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right....

Alcohol IS a solution.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high

She seemed surprised.

We had a band in High School called 1023 Megabytes.

We never made it to a gig.

A high school senior visits a psychic...

"I've applied to 10 different colleges," the student said. "Which ones will accept me? Which one will I attend?"

"That is hard to say," said the psychic. "But you will spend an absurd sum of money."

"How do you know this?" the student asked.

The psychic replied,

"It's mo...

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Why didn't the Japanese guy get a high five?

Because Logan Paul left him hanging.

Cop asks a guy..how high are you?

Guy: no officer, it's hi, how are you.

A high-society debutant is engaged to a low-born Greek guy...

Before the wedding, her mother takes her aside and says, "I've tried to talk you out of marrying this man, but you seem determined to go through with it, so just promise me one thing"

"Greeks have unnatural desires in the bedroom that are perverse, nasty, and disgusting. Just promise me now, ...

Many years ago I went to my High School prom

It was a very involved process.

Leading up to the prom I had to stand in line to get fitted for my tuxedo.

I had to stand in line to reserve the limo for my date.

Then I had to stand in line again to pick my tux up once it was ready.

The day of the prom finally arrived, b...

Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?

It was a Big Mcsteak

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An old farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

It so happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. He decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic!
He really had a good time as the equipment provided him with much pleasure. When the f...

Why are there no highly credited esteemed flat-earthers?

Because flattery will get you nowhere.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high-school reunion...

And I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober sinc...

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began...

...One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walke...

Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high ranking position in the US Government?

Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so…

I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus...

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My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

I said, “Yes, but I was part of the control group.”

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I got voted "Least Likely To Succeed" by my high school class...

Fuck, I hate being a teacher.

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As I approach 50, my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers...

So I have.

She's 25 and her name is Candy.

The phone bill was exceptionally high...

.... so the husband called a family meeting to discuss the issue.

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too. I hardly use our home phone. I use my company's phone.

Son: I always use my office mobile, I never touch the home phone.
...

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base ...

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What do you call it when a man jerks off while high?

Weed whacking

My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”

I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”

When I was young I used to sniff gasoline to get high…

These days we switched to cocaine to save some money.

I installed a high-voltage fence around my property.

My neighbour is dead against it.

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch your...

After listening to me sing, my high school music teacher said that I should be tenor…

Ten or twelve feet away from all musical instruments at all times.

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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

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Told by my friend years ago in high school [long] [nsfw]

Okay so let me start out by saying when telling this joke, you insert the name of the person you are telling it too. For this joke I will use the name John Johnson as it is the most generic name I can think of. Now for the joke.


Three men were standing in a bar, making small talk. The fir...

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

Son: "Dad, how high is that building?"

Building: "Why am I called a building if I'm already built?"

Dad: "Pretty damn high."

A policeman pulled me over and asked: How high are you?

I responded: No officer, it's "Hi! How are you?!!"

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

If you turn the base up too high, you blow out your speaker

and then your party is in trouble.

Never give a Roman a high five.

Or he'll give you a HIV.

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The Mile High Club

Have I joined The Mile high club??

Listen. I can’t even get my wife to bang me in my own house let alone a fuckin airplane!!!

How do fish get high?

Seaweed

What happens when you hit someone at a high frequency

It hertz

I told my psychiatrist that I can only get high if I take THC gummies with my mom.

Apparently I have an edible complex.

What was the high-IQ sperm bank called?

Crème de la Crème

As the judge sentenced me to death, I tried to offer him a high five.

But he left me hanging.

Fly high...

After a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

"Ladies and Gentleman, this is your Captain welcome to flight 293 non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto the weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight, so sit back, relax and....

I think my cholesterol might be too high,

A mosquito bit me, grabbed it's little chest and keeled over.

Soccer is like a high school date…

It's 90 minutes of scoreless action and somehow everyone is proud of themselves.

A plane climbs too high and passes by heaven.

The pilot gets on the loudspeaker and tells the cabin that if they look to their right, they'll see the pearly gates and the shining city beyond.

The passengers marvel at the sight, but one man spots his daughter who died from cancer the previous month. He rushes to the emergency exit, where ...

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Inflation is so high that

women in LA are wearing last year’s breasts.

What do u give a dog that has high temperature?

Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog

How do ducks get high?

Quack Cocaine

From how high can you drop an egg onto a concrete floor without breaking it?

Higher than you would think, the structural integrity of a well laid concrete floor renders it virtually indestructible towards an incoming egg, even at terminal velocity.

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A woman got married not long after high school and her husband broke her heart when he ran off with another woman. She eventually got back into the dating scene, and fell in love again with another man. They married but he turned out to be an asshole who hit her when he was angry.

She divorced him as well. Over time she met a third man who seemed perfect for her in every way but one- he was terrible in bed. She married him anyway, reasoning that sex would improve the more they knew eachother but it didn’t, and after a year she finally divorced him.

Having now been div...

2020 Olympic high jump results

Gold - Mexico

Silver - Mexico

Bronze - Mexico

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

Ran into an old high school friend last night.

She said I used to tease her about her weight all the time, and although I personally don't remeber, she must be right; elephants never forget.

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A highly successful manager was going home in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass...

Astonished by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man
"Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you...

What do you call a cow in high heels and tiara?

Dairy Queen

Why are divorce rates so high in the jungle?

There are too many cheetahs.

I was disappointed in high school when I couldn’t even jump one hurdle.

But I got over it.

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There once was a man with an extremely high-pitched voice

(For retelling, ^(superscript) is high-pitched/falsetto voice)

He had since long passed puberty, but while his friends got deep, manly voices, his remained so high that he ^(spoke like this). Ever since then, it had been a tremendous source of insecurity. Now, he was in his thirties, and he r...

With medical costs being so high, instead of sending “paramedics” to an accident…

…Maybe they should just send one.

New local fusion restaurant opened. The chef decided to leave classical music for high food.

His most delicious dish yet was the ciabatta and fugu in a meuniere.

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High School Virgin

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

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A Chinese family moved into my neighborhood when I was in high school...

They had a pair of twins, named Ving and Ling, who were my age. I liked Ving, but his sister Ling was kind of a bitch. Eventually, Ling told me that he hated his name, and he wanted to change it. I asked him, "What do you want to change your name to?" and he said "Lee. You know, like Bruce Lee?" Lin...

"I'm sorry, Your Highness, but we can't put Humpty Dumpty back together again!" said the King's man.

The King, who was drunk, replied, "Let the horses try."

Me: Did you know talking to yourself indicates high intelligence?

Me: Yes, I did know that.

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I've decided to surround my property with 4ft high concrete dildos.

My neighbour hates it, but his wife is on the fence.

Why do lions have such high moral standards?

Because they live in a PRIDE! >:3

I'm so high on God

I can't feel my faith

Round of applause for high jump officials

They keep raising the bar

Here's a joke I made up in high school, around 1981, or thereabouts

What do you call a cattle-rancher that's lost all his land?

Deranged!

I let some of my friends use my high quality printer from Spain.

When I told them where it was from, they all gasped in shock. Because no-one expects the Spanish ink precision!

Who serves you when you're high and visit a restaurant in Tibet?

The Deli Llama

Frank Sinatra was dining out one night when a young high school lad came up to his table.

“Mr. Sinatra," said the teen-age boy, “my name is Bernie Rosenberg. Would you please do me a favor?”
“What kind of favor?” Sinatra asked.
Well, I’m here with my girl and I want to make a good impression on her. I certainly would appreciate it if you would drop by my table and say ‘Hi, Be...

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My gynecologist told me my ph-level is too high

Would that make me a basic bitch?

This high school guys was born without one of his eyes.

He was given a wooden eye as a prosthetic. His whole life he has been self concious about his wooden eye.

Eventually senior prom rolls around and he want to take someone out.

He sees a girls with a hair-lip. Thinking that she may also be self concious about her malformity, he thinks h...

Why didn't blacks in 1850 give high-fives?

Because everyone always left them hanging!

In high school I was best friends with a pair of Chinese twins, Ving and Ling.

Ving truly hated his name and wanted to change it to Lee, as in Bruce Lee, but Ling kept trying to convince him not to do it since it was a big part of their heritage.
One day he decided it was finally time to go through with it, so me and Ling accompanied him to the courthouse, while Ling kept...

What's the difference between a highly paid lawyer doing meth in a penthouse and a cheap hooker doing meth in a motel?

About 6 months.

Sylvester Stallone has launched a new range of cakes. I would highly recommend them.

They are the best thing since Sly's bread.

A high school band teacher…

…was trying to teach a new orchestral piece for their upcoming concert. Knowing that the head of the school board was going to be in attendance, the band teacher was under a significant amount of pressure to make a good impression, lest he risk having the funding for the arts and music programs cut....

A high schooler walks into an SAT,

a college student walks into a final,

and a law student walks into a bar.

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People ask me why I never joined the Mile High Club

I just don't give a flying fuck.

Four guys meet at their 25 year high school reunion…

They sit at a table and begin catching up. They hadn’t spoken to each other since graduation. One guy gets up and excuses himself to use the restroom.

In his absence, the other begin talking about how rich and successful they’ve become and as a result how rich and successful their sons are. ...

Inflation is so high…

My favorite rapper changed his name to 75 Cent

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A well-renown, high-powered lawyer was just in a horrific car accident.

He was side-swiped, ripping the driver's side door completely off.

A police officer, who happened to be there, ran straight to the man. He found the him sitting on the ground against the wreck angrily swearing and yelling.

Officer: (Relieved the man is well enough to be yelling): "You...

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I was a big metal fan back in high school.

Back in high school I was a big metal fan.

At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party.

It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Mai...

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Puns are the only form of humor where a groan is high praise and a laugh is a fair attempt.

Well, that and sex.

My landlord wants to talk to me about why my heating bill is so high.

I told him my door is always open.

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High School Bully

The guy who picked on me all through high school and then became a millionaire just placed a delivery order at KFC.

Now I get the last laugh. I gave him original recipe and he ordered extra crispy. Checkmate Justin, you fucking loser

I've got a high tech toilet that's connected to the Wi-Fi and I just received a notification.

There was an unexpected log in...

Why couldn’t Anakin Skywalker be promoted to a high Jedi rank?

He would have been a Master Vader.

I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers.

What are the odds?

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According to the old testament, homosexuality is fine as long as you're high.

Because it states that a man who lays with another man should be stoned.

When I was in high school I wrote a love letter to my teacher, and she shot me down.

But she also corrected the spelling and wrote “See me” in red marker at the bottom. Very mixed signals.

Where should you live in NYC if you have high cholesterol?

Staten Island

I took a Microsoft Office class in high school.

I Excelled in it

My proctologist is so high tech...

He said my exam would be digital.

The sky was blue, the moon was high, we were together, just her and I...

The sky was blue, the moon was high, we were together, just her and I.

Her hair was brown, her eyes baby blue, I knew exactly what she wanted to do.

And so, with courage, I did my best and laid my hand upon her breast.

Her face was light, her body fine, I ran my finger down her ...

Highly quaified

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How's the new job going?" the bartender asks. "Great! Although, I've heard we're going to have a drug test next week," the guy replies. "Good thing I know a lot about drugs."

An old high school friend of ours was arrested for helping out in a bank robbery.

We always knew..he would accomplice something some day.

I now weigh a fraction of what I did in high school.

An improper fraction, but still, a fraction.

Why can't T-Rex's High Five?

Because they're all dead

Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.

Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.

My high school crush came to my work today and I fingered her. (NSFW)

Sometimes being a mortician is awesome.

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Doctors that specialize in premature ejaculation are in high demand.

So you need to come early.

High Quality Poem

Error 404

Your Haiku could not be found

Try again later

Why did the Dragonborn go to high hrothgar?

To see what all the fus was about.

A high school music instructor walks into a bar

A high school music instructor walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I lost my job today. The superintendent said that I was too controversial," he tells the bartender. "He heard I was making the students read band books."

The last time I did any public speaking was the valedictorian speech in high school.

I was the one yelling “You suck!” from the back.

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