Get Laid Jokes - 58 Hilarious Get Laid Jokes

Why don't mitochondria ever get laid?

Cause they're incels

They say that the 10 types of people in this world are those that can read binary and those that get laid.

Can someone explain to me the other 8 types?

How to get laid for free.

Work at the cemetery like me.

One night Chun Li gets drunk and decides she wants to get laid. So, she asks her friend Cammy if she knows which of the male Street fighters can help her get off...

Cammy said, "Sure. Ryu can."

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I can only get laid by prostitutes.

I’m a buysexual

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Why did Popeye never get laid?

Because Olive Oil was extra virgin.

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I get laid almost every day of the week.

Almost got laid on Monday, almost got laid on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday, almost on Thursday, almost on Friday, almost on Saturday, and almost on Sunday.

A mathematician and an engineer play a game to get laid…

At the other end of this room,” the Game Master points out, “is a beautiful, young, naked, consenting woman. If you reach her, she will fulfill any and all of your fantasies.”

The mathematician and engineer both look at each other with excitement.

“The only rule is that each step you...

I can get laid any time I want.

Of course, that's one of the perks of being a coroner.

How to get laid??

1. Lay on bed.
2. Wait two hours.
3. Lay becomes past tense.

I have a 50% chance to get laid tonight.

I mean, if 1 out of 2 persons wants it, that's 50%, right?

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The only way you're gonna get laid.

Is if you crawl up a chickens ass and wait!!

I was told a joke that would help me get laid.

I still don't get it.

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I might become a physics teacher to get laid...

I always hear people going into Physics exams saying "I'm so fucked"

How to get laid in five easy steps!

1 - Denial

Where is the best place to get laid during Covid?

Super spreader events.

Be careful when you’re trying to get laid with a mermaid

She might have crabs.

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A guy wants to get laid

A guy is super horny and wants to get laid however he doesn't want to put much effort into it so he goes down to china town and looks for a hooker. He ends up finding this beautiful girl she said she would do anything oral, anal anything he wanted for just 5 Dollars. He takes her back to the hotel a...

What kind of fruit doesn’t get laid?

A can’t elope

You ever get laid in a sleeping bag?

It's awful. You can't even move, you're drenched in sweat and the scout master is covering your mouth.

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Hey Eugene, do you shower after sex?

Well yes Bob, I do.

Great, can you please get laid more often?

They said I wasn't gonna get laid this year...

...jokes on them. I got laid off today.

A guy walked into a bar and told the bartender, "Man I need to get laid in the worst way!"

The bartender replied, "Well the worst way I know of is standing up in a hammock."

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You're 18, it's time to get laid

A a boys 18th birthday his father gives him a $100 bill and tells him to go get a hooker. So young man leaves to go look for a hooker. After a few hours of driving around and finding nothing he likes he decides to visit his grandmother.
She asks what he is up too and he tells her. She says "I...

How do you get laid in Alabama?

Tell them you’re their long-lost brother.

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A farmer and his best friend go to the city trying to get laid...

They walk into a club and the farmer immediately finds a girl to chat. He takes his hat off and start sweet talking the girl.

Unimpressed, the girl tells him: "I'll only go out with you if you have a 2.000 acreage farm, 10 thousand cows and a 7 inch dick.

Her words make the farmer die ...

If you go to a mechanics shop to get laid but get caught

do you screw, nut, and bolt?

Why didn't people get laid during Communism?

The State seized the means of **re**production

In which nation do you get laid very easily?

Imagination.

The COVID-19 event has made me significantly more likely to get laid

Off

How to get laid for free without the trouble of dating...

..

Start working at the mortuary like me.

Why don't mediocre salesmen get laid?

Because they sell a bit.

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Why can't the guy from Dirty Jobs get laid?

He has a Mike Rowe penis.

Graveyards are great places to get laid

Especially if you have a shovel and a “can do” attitude!

How does a nun get laid?

She dresses up like an altar boy.

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So a father decides to give his so $1 to get laid...

So the old farmer decided his son was of age. The brothel in town had a tradition that a young man could have his first evening with a lady for only $1. So the farmer gives his boy $1 and sends him to town.

Well the boy makes it to the brothel. He gets welcomed by a talented older lady, pays ...

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This guy wants to get laid and is trying to figure out how to impress the woman he's with.

They walk past a shoe store and the woman says, "Wow. If you get me those shoes, I'll give you a hand job." So the guy sees a brick on the sidewalk, smashes the window and gets the shoes." A few minutes later, they pass a fur store and she says, "If you get me that mink stole, I'll blow you." So the...

If you were born in 2000 and get laid on New Year's day 2020

It'll be your first score.

Indian men are statistically the least likely to get laid

No wonder even their parents call them beta.

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What does Willy Wonka give his employees when they get laid off?

An everlasting jobstopper

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "

I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your ...

Two drunks are looking to get laid

After a hard night drinking so they make their way to a nearby brothel. The madam, noticing the extent of their intoxication, puts them up in two attic rooms with a couple of blow up dolls. When they meet again afterwards, one says to the other " I think my woman was dead beause she just did not mo...

Why doesn't the guy with OCD ever get laid?

Because when he turns his girlfriend on he has to turn her off again three times.

I’ll never get laid with this username because..

I’ll always scare the chicks away....

"Baby it's cold outside" is bad because it's about a guy is trying to get laid.

"Santa Baby" is ok because it's about a girl trying to screw Santa. Got it.

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An old woman wants to get laid one last time [NSFW]

So she calls a prostitute. He comes and they get to do it. And at first it's very unpleasent, it doest slide well.
They stop for a break and get to do it again. And this time it's wonderfull, everythings goes as needed and even better, even the prostitute is having the time of his life.
When...

Trying to play video games online is a lot like trying to get laid

If you can't get in, just gotta play with yourself

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I'm a 25 year old virgin and I'm hoping that this is the year I get laid. My dad said he'd buy me an escort...

It's nice of him, but to be honest I don't see how a crappy old Ford is gonna help.

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I only get laid because of who I am...

A rapist!

-Rodney Dangerfield, RIP

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Two cowboys decide to go to the town to get laid.

They go to the bar and pick up two sisters. Once they are in the hotel room the girls hand them a couple of condoms. The guys had never seen one, living on the mountain all the time, and they ask what those are supposed to do. The older sister explains to them that they should use these so they don'...

What's the best part of the library to hang out if you want to get laid?

Adult friction.

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A police captain moved to a small town, upon his arrival the locals warned him there were no women in town ...

He was told that whenever he wanted to get laid he should come near the river and wait for his turn.

He never spoke about the issue with people in town until couple of months in the new job, the captain realised he could no longer wait.

He rushed to the river and saw a long line of men...

What's the difference between a brick, an egg, and you?

One of you has gotten laid, one of you is going to get laid, and one of you will never get laid.

What do you call a TV reality show where a 50 year old white man is trying to get laid?

To catch a predator.

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Why do white girls walk around in groups of 3 and 5?
Because they can't even!

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Why do white people have so many pets?
Because owning people is not legal anymore

**EDIT** Would love to hear more white people-specific jokes :) Th...

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Desperate to get laid, so I'm going to my next Halloween party dressed as a giant anus

...I hear that hot girls love having sex with assholes

If a firefighter's business can go up in smoke, and a plumber's business can go down the drain...

...can a hooker get laid off?

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A Topological Loop Walks Into a Bar, and Asks the Bartender "What's the Quickest Way to get Laid?" [NSFW]

A Topological Loop walks into a bar, and asks the bartender "what's the quickest way to get laid?"

The bartender answers, "Keep this under wraps, but check the second stall in the men's restroom. There's a glory hole there, and someone is in there right now."

The loop enters the bathro...

I've been messing about with my ouija board and i asked it if i was gonna get laid tonight.

The pointer keeps gliding between the H and the A. It's been half an hour now....

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