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Feature Jokes

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Porn sites have a "sort by most viewed" feature!

What's the world coming to?

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Her best feature.... NSFW

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

I've just bought a house with period features.

The girlfriend hates that nickname..

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God summons Adam and Eve as he would like to offer them each a feature distinguishing men from women

God: "So guys, you have to choose now between being able to stand up and pee and m..."

Adam: "Me me memememe! I want to be able to stand up and pee! Thats gotta be the best feature out there.. I choose this one for men! I win, you lose Eve!!"

God: "Erm.. alright then.. Eve, I guess yo...

DC has announced an Arab superhero will be featured in their new film.

The world can look forward to seeing O-man.

There's an interesting feature on your car that you don't know about...

Just like there are brake lights for the brake pedal, there are also gaslights for the gas pedal. No, I didn't make that up, everyone has them. I swear. Have you ever read the owners manual? Everyone knows about them, I'm surprised that you don't. How do not know about the gaslighting?

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PornHub's working on a new feature.

It's currently in mastur-beta.

I got featured on r/woosh!

I still don't know why..

My bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool.

I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.

What's a female ghost's most attractive feature?

Her BOO-bies!




>!Oh come on, it's funny...!<

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Pravda, the Soviet state newspaper, was running a feature on former Soviet Olympians.

Their reporter began by interviewing three retired Soviet swimmers.
First, he asks the Russian swimmer "Which was your favorite stroke in the 400m freestyle?"
The Russian replies "The front crawl. Is fast, powerful, and gets me to the finish line."
Next, the reporter turns to the Byel...

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What's worse than waking up with a dick drawn on your face?

Someone telling you it was traced on.
[edits up: guys i gotta say something - HOLY SHIT MY PHONE EXPLODED FROM REPLIES]
[edits up again: have the credits
https://youtube.com/shorts/hSK1Vyoimps?feature=share this joke was too funny not to tell]

Did you hear about the new food delivery service that features people wearing really tight jeans that were popular in the 80's?

It's called Jor-Dash

There’s a new hotel in town that features glory holes but you’d never know from the name.

The Walnut Inn

My girlfriend said that if I keep pointing out features of our house to her, she'd leave me.

"Well," I said to her, "there's the door..."

A friend I met online has a spider as pet, and he named it Feature. Weird, right?

Until he told me he is a software programmer.

It’s really hot outside but fear not, my car has the deluxe 2fifty AC feature.

2 windows down, driving 50 miles per hour!

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All of the Apple fanboys are missing the main feature they can hold over android users

Their nude pictures are automatically synced to 4chan and reddit.

What’s a fireplace’s best feature?

Dat ash.

There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored?

The turn signals.

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My new watch has this feature on it..

Whereby if someone looks at you, they instantly think you're a dick.

There's a cool hidden feature on Tinder

Keep on swiping right and girls get fatter

Imagine Hollywood is making a feature film about creating the perfect meal

In the first act of the movie, they go through many trials and tribulations to decide on what bread they should use. Eventually they decide on tortilla

The second act, they’re now plotting on what should go IN the bread. Meat, veggies, maybe neither.

Finally, the third act. now they j...

I heard Samsung is making a feature film

They're calling it Total Recall.

My friend is confident that sleeping late would not affect your facial features in any way

but eyebag to differ

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Jesus Christ was featured on a recent episode of Hoarders

Apparently, his saving really got out of control!

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"This term," said the English teacher, "we will be studying 'The Canterbury Tales' "

"But," she added, "to anticipate a question I get every year -- this will not include *The Nun's Priest's Tale*"

"Why not?" asked one of the pupils. The teacher's features shaped themselves into an expression of sour disapproval.

"Because," she answered, "*The Nun's Priest's Tale* is l...

Yesterday my friend was showing off the features of his Huawei P10. Another friend stepped up with his P30 claiming it had 3 times the features.

Today they'll see what my P90 can do.

Which motor vehicle was prominently featured in the Bible?

Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Autocorrect is a great feature...

but it can also be your worst enema.

The Good News: I landed a job at Dreamworks thanks to the Bumblr app's networking feature

The Bad News: I'm working on the Bee Movie 2.

My teacher asked me what a main feature of a greek tragedy was....

Apparently Bankruptcy was the wrong answer.

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My wife and I were featured on Extreme Couponing last year.

Our episode of Hoarders airs next week!

Why wasn't Taco Bell featured at the White House's fast food feast?

Because Trump would have expected them to pay for the whole meal.

The Stanley Cup final will feature a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed, and deceit...

Against Las Vegas.

In a remote tribal village…

A baby is born with light skin and fair hair. The expectant father, whose features are quite dark, is outraged. He gathers his weapons and heads straight for the only fair-skinned man in the entire region: a missionary the next village over who bears a striking resemblance to this newborn child.
...

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I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

DJ Khaled was featured in a Weight Watchers commercial for losing weight...

...He must have stopped eating out...

Did you hear about the guy with the perfectly average facial features.

I hear it was a mean look.

Called up the movie theater to find out what the order was for the double feature horror films.

It follows It Follows.

As Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger had to attend many high society functions. One such function was a fund raiser which featured a symphony orchestra playing a medley of pieces by famous composers.

Arnie, as is well known, has only one preference when it comes to classical composers, but sat patiently during the performance.

There were selections by Bach, Beethoven, Mozart, Tchaikovsky and more.

The Governor began to get quite perturbed when, after over an hour and half, his favo...

A common feature of animals born through incest is skin that has been curled up and turned over on itself.

Rolled hide.

What instruments should be featured in a rogue AI's music band?

Just Harmonika

I was going to suggest that /r/jokes join the new OC tagging feature that Reddit is adding

But it would never be used on this subreddit

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There's a new exhibit at disneyworld that features statues of some disney favorite characters.

A tour guide is leading guests through the exhibit as they pass such favorites as Mickey and Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, Goofy, as well as Pluto. As they're going through they pass a statue that's in the shape of a giant turd. Puzzled, one of the guests pipes up and asks the tour guide, "what's the d...

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I watched the bonus features on a porn movie today.

It just showed a woman crying in the shower, washing all the cum out of her hair.

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How are boobs and martinis alike?

They’re both good shaken.

Also, I wanted to see whether this joke has been posted before. But I don’t see where the search feature is for r/jokes. Can somebody explain where I can find that?

Why won't I ever make a water feature on top of a mountain where a lot of baby horses are buried?

My mom taught me to never make fountains out of foal hills

Disney's latest movie features a giant bird crashing into a city

It's a big budgie block buster.

A cell phone rings in a locker room, A man answers the phone...

*He puts it on speaker*

Man: "Hello!"

Woman: "Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I'm at the mall and I just saw this beautiful leather coat and it's only $2,000, can i have it?

Man: "Sure!"

Woman: "Oh, and I just stopped by at the L...

There's a joke to be made about Niantic removing the step feature in Pokémon go instead of fixing the bug.

But I just can't seem to find it.

If I had a dollar every time a news story features the president in these 4 years...

News stories will start to feature me in the next 4 years.

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The hick shepherd

National TV decides to feature a rural shepherd who has spent his entire life on his mountain without ever leaving his small town.

The interview begins, "So, your life must be quite unique. Tell us, what was your happiest day?"

The shepherd replies, "Certainly, that day when my favor...

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