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Expert Jokes

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, ...

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He li...

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution….

“You don't want to try these techniques at home.”

“Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She would make lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at...

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop. "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like t...

Did you hear about Danny Welbeck's bomb disposal expert brother.

Stan Welbeck.

What do you call a person who's an expert in American culture and politics?

A European Redditor.

A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit...

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man looks good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue sui...

What do you call a Klingon who is best friends with an expert in spacetime cracks?

A fissure-man's Worf.

I’m an expert on quantum mechanics.

Until you ask me why I’ve murdered so many cats.

A banker, a blacksmith, and a demolitions expert are all on a small plane.

The engine on the plane starts to fail and the pilot says to the three passengers on board
“Throw your least important belongings over the plane so that we can lighten the load on the engine”

The banker decides that his pennies weigh the most and have the least value so he throws all of th...

I'm an expert in ice cream...

I went to sundae school.

My work has just hired an Australian IT expert

He comes from a LAN down under

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.

The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.

I finally graduated as an expert in female biology

I studied abroad or two

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A wife was cleaning their 12-year-old son’s bedroom. When she found a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags, she asked her husband, “what do we do?”

The husband said, “I’m no expert, but I wouldn’t fucking spank him.”

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

Just because you sleep with someone named Stormy doesn't make you an expert on the weather...

Mr. President.

In the hands of an expert..

A tourist takes a taxi in a foreign town. The taxi driver speeds through a red light. The tourist, frightened, asks

"What are you doing?"

The driver answers:

"Dont worry, I am an expert."

He speeds through more red lights, and the tourist, on the verge of hysteria, co...

An SEO expert walks into a bar, pub, inn, tavern, cafe, beer parlour

Please disable adblocker to view joke.

What do you call an expert fisherman?

A Master Baiter.

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A wood expert.

A drunk man in a bar began bragging that he could identify any type of wood by its smell only.

The bartender and patrons decided to test him. The man was blindfolded and presented with several pieces of wood.

First they put a pencil infront of his nose. He smelled it and said, "That's...

The world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make is walking down the street.

He passes a record store that's advertising a sale. The sign says "45 RPM Vinyl First Editions, European Wasps and The Sounds They Make." Naturally, he's intrigued. So he stops on in and says to the record man, "excuse me, but I am the worlds leading expert on European Wasps and the sounds they make...

I became such an expert in how to park a car

I'm now known as Parking

What do you call an expert at auto body repair and espionage?

Bondo. James Bondo.

I'm a Expert at sleeping

I can do it with my eyes closed

An expert in Greek mythology walks into a bar...

Then he suddenly sees stars spinning around to form shapes, and he feels as if he’s been struck by Zeus’s lightning. Then, while collapsed on the ground, he sees Zeus himself staring down at him. A day later, he wakes up in a hospital bed to see a doctor looking at him.

“Why did that happen...

Cybersecurity experts have found an easy way to spot North Korean hackers. They never use the shift key.

They hate capitalism.

My doctor is an expert in keyhole surgery

She studied at Yale

Me: I'm an expert at identifying birds

Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: Yup, they're all birds

I'm no expert on covid-19 but I do know the cure

They are an amazing band from the 80s.

Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve?

They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.

A martial arts expert is arrested for murder.

When the case is taken to court, he is asked by the judge why he doesn't have a lawyer with him.

'I don't need a lawyer', the martial arts expert replies.

'Why not? It could really help your case if you have a defense lawyer' the judge says.

'No, thank you', the martial arts exp...

My friend Adi is a world class shoe expert. If you asked me “what’s the best shoe brand,” I’m not sure I’d know the answer. But I’d guess...

Adi does.

My sister is an expert pastry-maker.

She has to be to stay employed, her job has a high turnover rate.

Husband and wife…………..

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery....

My brother is a Karate expert, a Chef and a Lawyer.

When he's not around, Dad now calls him "Chop Suey."

A wasp expert walks into a record shop

He goes to the owner and asks if they have the new edition of wasp sounds 2019.
The record shop owner says that they have it in stock and asks if the wasp expert would like to listen too it before he buys.

The wasp expert agrees and the record is placed on the record player.
The pin goe...

I got a friend who is a demolition expert. One day, I made a bet with him, a dollar that he couldnt raze the whole neighbourhood

No matter who wins, its still four quarters gone

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If the suffix -ist means expert of something

Then damn I must be a sadist

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What do you call a poop expert?

A ConnoisSEWER

... sorry

The world's greatest tongue-twister expert just got arrested.

I bet they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.

Have you heard of the expert cartographer?

His skills are pretty legendary.

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A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

Why does Bill Gates make for a terrible medical expert?

Because he can't get rid of viruses in Microsoft either.

My 6yo daughter said: Daddy I'm an expert sleeper...

I can do it with my eyes closed..

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Crocodile.

A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors... He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, ...

OC joke: How to differentiate if a person is a genetics expert or a BDSM enthusiast?

Ask them the opposite of 'dominant'

What are the Vatican’s expert hackers called?

A-nun-ymous

I am an expert on the Dunning-Krueger effect.

It’s the effect that states that anything that can go wrong will

The World Expert on Wasps

A man was walking down a quiet street, when something caught his eye in the window of a charity shop. He wandered over to take a closer look, then smiled to himself, nodded, and entered the shop.

He walked up to the counter and said to the man serving there, "Is that record in the window real...

What’s the difference between an expert marksman and an owl with diarrhea?

One hits whenever he shoots.

The thief was an expert, left no fingerprints behind.

It was a stainless steal.

Top Biblical experts have reached the conclusion that Adam and Eve were Soviet citizens

They had no clothes, one apple between the two of them and they thought they were in paradise.

A Machine Learning Expert at an interview

Interviewer: "What can you say is your biggest strength?"

ML Expert: "I'm an expert in machine learning."

Int.: What's 6 + 10?

ML E.: Zero.

Int.: That's not even close! it's 16!

ML E.: Okay, it's 16.

Int.: What's 10 + 20?

ML E.: It's 16.

Any glue experts who can help me?

I needed to attach a velvet Elvis painting to a pink flamingo lawn ornament, so I grabbed a bottle of contact cement. The instructions said to apply to both surfaces and wait until they’re no longer tacky before putting them together. That was 6 months ago, and they’re still tacky. How much longer d...

I’m an expert on the Dunning-Kruger effect

I’m also an expert at computers, music, math, biology, and chemistry.

I want to become an expert in BDSM

But I’m still working out all the kinks

Every Medical Expert : Gloves and masks would be enough to go anywhere such as Supermarket.

Liars!! Everyone else had their clothes on!

As an expert, I was going to write a self-help book on apathy, called "The A-Bs of Apathy".

But realized I couldn't care less.

SEO Expert walks into a bar...

An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, beer garden, hangout, lounge, night club, mini bar, tavern, pub, beer, wine, whiskey...

Crossword expert dies

He was buried 6 down, 3 across.

My girlfriend is a social media expert.

She sent me a long message last month on why Twitter and Instagram are hands down the best Social Media apps.

But I only reddit now.

I'm an expert in not finishing anything

I have a black belt in partial arts.

Mrs Smith & The Expert.

The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and they decide to get in some help, by way of a man who is supposed to be an expert in what is needed. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The expert should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell.

Mrs...

What do you call an amateur expert on fish?

A fishionado

What do you call a Muslim expert on Milk?

A Milk Sheikh

An explosives expert liked to blow up bombs beside the city's underground septic lines. One day, while planting a device, he made a fatal mistake...

The newspapers called him a sewer side bomber.

An animal prosthetics expert walks into a bar

"What's wrong buddy?" The bartender asked. "You seem down."

"Two whiskies, please. I made a lot of Faux Paws at work today."

Which dinosaur was the expert judge in matters of taste?

The Connoissaur

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What do a tropical bird expert and a pornstar have in common?

They both know how to handle a cockatoo.

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Despite an extensive knowledge of the inter workings of mathematics, the expert mathematician’s favorite equation was 1+2...

That horny bastard just couldn’t get enough of that three sum.

I'm an expert on the Dunning Kruger effect.

I don't know anything about it.

Did you hear about that geeky trigonometry expert?

The only angle lacking in his life was secs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between an expert in five line poems and an expert in eating anus?

One will give you a limerick

The other will give your rim a lick.

How does a SQL expert get a date?

getDate()


^(I really hope this doesn't do well, so cheap, so stupid, just had to write it when I thought of it)

I’m an expert in idioms

I know them like the front of my hand

What did the taekwondo expert say to the man with a foot fetish?

Get ready to taste defeat

What is a chinese pirate an expert at?

Flying a plane.

He was an expert on all types of atom splitting.

In fact you could say he is a fission-ado.

If you need expert advice in a home improvement store, find a man between 50 and 60 years old. he has been there and done that.

don't ask the 70 year old man.
he's been there, done that, and already forgotten what you asked him.

I'm selling a book entitled: "How To Be An Expert In Negotiations".

I'll accept any price for it.

A Search Engine Optimization expert walks into a bar...

pub, tavern, inn, taproom, drinkery, public house, beer garden, beer, alcohol.

What do you call an expert in psychedelics?

A trip advisor.

I shared a shuttle ride today with a linguist heading to Turkey to study Tuva throat singers. (No joke!) I was reminded of this joke: Two linguists were walking down the street. Which one was the expert in contextually-indicated deixis and anaphoric reference resolution strategies?

The other one.

Did you hear some expert thieves stole the toilets from the police station?

The police were left with nothing to go on.

A demolition expert goes on stage during open mic night...

He proceeds to bring the house down.

Have you heard about the expert farmer who has taken the role of scarecrow at his farm?

He's outstanding in his field.

Question about baby expert Dr. Spock

Given that Dr. Benjamin Spock was one of the leading experts in pregnancy and early childhood, having written a famous book (BABY & CHILD CARE) for expecting & new mothers on taking care of their babies...

Would it be correct to call Dr. Spock a Mother-FAQer?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Young liberal vs. Japanese industrial automation expert

Junji Tsuda, a futurologist, expert as well as advocate for industrial automation, is having an interview on live American TV. The host announced that Mr. Junji Tsuda will be accepting questions from the audience.

After several questions, a member of the audience stood up and started asking:<...

It's difficult to get anything specific out of a bedding expert...

...since they're always making blanket statements

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A nun is praying in her convent in rural Ireland when there is a sudden bang and a cloud of green smoke

When the smoke clears she sees two honest to goodness leprechauns standing in front of her, looking just like the legends said they looked. Fine green clothes, top hats, red mutton chops and standing about two feet tall. One stares at his feet sheepishly. The more confident one speaks

"Top ...

My house was haunted, so I got it exorcised by an expert.

Unfortunately, I couldn't afford the payment and it got repossessed.

How did the geologist develop a career as a sink-hole expert?

She just fell into it.

I'm an expert at dating

After all, I work in the calendar factory 12 hours a day

Dad: Level Expert

Two cupcakes were baking in the oven. One of them turns to the other and say 'Wow! Its hot in here, isn't it?', the second cupcakes screams 'AAAaaaaa! A talking cupcake!'

What do you call an expert that studies sign language?

A signtist!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does someone become a sex expert?

They learn the ins and outs

Tree joke

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree
begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son
of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a
woodpecker lands on the sapling.

Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scotch expert

A man walked into a bar and ordered a twelve-year old scotch. As the bartender was busy, he decided to serve the guy whatever he had under his hand.

The fellow took a sip, spat it out, and told the bartender, "I asked
for a twelve-year old scotch and not a three year-old one." When the bar...

What did both the bomb expert and the digital clock maker say to their mother?

Look, Ma! No hands!

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