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Criminals Jokes

Why did Australia get all the criminals while America got all the puritans?

>!Because Australia won the coin toss!<

Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced.

One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, ...

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

The FBI, the CIA, and the KGB are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The FBI receive 1000 tips about the rabbit's location but refuses to investigate.

The CIA burns down the whole forest and said there's no rabbit.

The KGB drags a man out of the forest and beats him as he screams "OK I'm a rabbit!"

The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations ...

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Two criminals break into a drugstore and steal all the Viagra. The store owners call the police and they put out an alert.

An officer in the vicinity turns to his partner and says “Alright, we’re looking for two hardened criminals”

Where do criminals go when they're arrested for possession of 32 ounces?

The quart room

Hi, I'm black, and I can't stand it when people assume we're all criminals

-Sent from your iPhone.

I wrote a book about criminals who just drone on and on about things.

It's called "prose and cons"

There are a few criminals in my town that keep stealing wheels from parked police cars.

The cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.

Dyslexic criminals love weed.

It's the ultimate getaway drug.

A criminals best asset

his liability.

How do detained criminals contact their families?

They face time

Shoplifters are the most introspective criminals.

They are always taking stock.

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

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Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.

The authorities put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

Did you know that the vast majority of convicted criminals are married men?

It's the only way they get to finish a sentence.

What do Saudi Arabian criminals fear?

The Long Arm Abdullah

400 years ago, England sent their criminals to Australia and puritans to America

Sounds like Australia got the better deal

When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them

In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back

Why do most orphans become criminals?

Because they just want to feel wanted...

Why don't criminals hang out in front of pubs?

Because they usually end up behind bars.

Two sharp criminals just vandalized your home!

Luckily, the damage looks to B Minor

Why are colds bad criminals?

Because they’re easy to catch.

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

What's the difference between Smart Criminals and Dumb Criminals?

Dumb Criminals break laws



Smart Criminals make laws

Three criminals are on the run from the law...

when they stumble onto a farm just before nightfall and decide to lay low in the barn until the heat is off. Just when they decide to leave, the farmer (after hearing reports on the radio of thieves on the loose) comes outside and sits down at the main entrance to guard the property with his shotgun...

A man has the opportunity to win a million dollars if he can cross lake Superior in a 16 foot sailboat...

The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running the competition get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are.

The man realizes the...

My Palestinian Cousin's favorite Arabic joke

Two criminals are given the death sentence. Before theyre executed, the warden asks the first man "What is your last request?". The man says "Please, sir, could I see my mother one last time before I go?". The warden turns to an officer and asks him to fetch the man's mother. In the meantime, he ask...

Two criminals stole a calendar

They got six months each

Criminals are called criminals because...

if they can commit a crime without being caught most of the time, they would be called Politicians.

After spending twenty two years surrounded by criminals, I finally saw the light of day again.

I'm so glad I left my job at the sporting organisation.

Honest Criminals

A man was pulled over by the police on the highway for speeding. The cop instructed the man to roll down his window.

"Were you aware of how fast you were just driving!?" the cop said.

"Yes, I was trying to escape the scene of a robbery I was involved in." the man replied.

"What!...

Why is it so hard to talk to rich criminals?

Because they never finish their sentences.

When two criminals get surgically attached

They are con fused

Smart criminals

Dumb criminals commit violent crimes that don’t pay too well.

Smart criminals commit white collar crimes.

Really smart criminals become politicians.

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Punishing Criminals

Two men are caught trying to hold up a bank. One of them admits to and apologises for his crime, the other doesn't.

The town they're from has a new justice system based on physical punishment. The judge sentences the man who did not repent to be kicked in the balls for a day, and the other ma...

Why don’t dangerous criminals ever take photos of themselves?

Because they pose a threat

I told my wife I feel bad for criminals because they have to work holidays.

She said they deserve time and a half.

What do hookers and criminals have in common

They’ve both been in hand cuffs

Criminals are getting sneakier these days.

Last night I was woken up by my wife, who said "there's someone downstairs". So I went down to check, and five minutes later it hit me... I haven't got a wife. So I ran back upstairs and it was too late, the bed had gone.

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Three criminals rob a bank and make their getaway,

They are pursued by the police all the way to the countryside. The three criminals speed into a farm where they split up to hide. The police are close behind them.

The first criminal hides in the pigpen. The police go inside the pen where they hear the sound of something moving. "Oink Oink." ...

Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

Two criminals are walking in the woods late at night.

It’s especially dark tonight, and the wind is howling.
After a while, one of the criminals leans over and says “Its pretty scary out, huh?”
His partner tells him “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”

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What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security?

Ass crack

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Three hardened criminals were arrested last night.

They were all on Viagra.

Why does organized crime have that common criminals don't?

A con-census.

Cops have a hard time catching fat criminals

They are always at large and on top of that its impossible to narrow down on them

So a cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway near my house...

Police advised citizens to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals.

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Why do innie belly buttons make such bad criminals?

Because they can't stop attracting the fuzz

What do computer criminals like to eat?

Cheese and Hackers.

(My 7-year old son came up with that one, so go easy :)

What does Canada do with all their hardened and dangerous criminals?

They give them hockey jerseys and call them our National Hockey Team

How does Italy execute its criminals?

Guidotine

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What do porn-stars and criminals have in common?

They very rarely come quietly

A joke I thought up while dreaming last night: Why do criminals hate coins?

Because half of them are coppers.

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I made a list of all the prostitutes and criminals in my area

It’s my pros and cons list

What do infantile criminals fear the most?

The Hanging Gardens of Babylon.

Who stopped The criminals in The dinosaur age?

The triceracops

I got arrested for giving criminals glasses of ice cubes.

Apparently you're considered to be a vigilante if you hand out just ice on the streets.

Criminals who work in groups should be proud of themselves.

They’ve accompliced a lot.

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The Britain had just colonized Malaysia, three local criminals were caught and brought to the British Commander...

"They committed such deadly crimes, they should be beheaded!" The Lieutenant suggested the Commander.

Hearing that, the three criminals pleaded for their lives to the Commander.

The Commander agreed to let them live under one condition, which was to collect 10 fruits of same type.
<...

3 criminals are about to be executed by a firing squad...

The first criminal is brought out. The captain yells "Arm!" then "Aim!" The criminal thinks quickly and shouts "Tsunami!" Being near a tsunami-prone area, the captain and his men look around. The criminal escapes.

The second criminal is then brought out. The captain orders his men the same as...

I've heard of a lot of dumb criminals...

but bakery robbers take the cake

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A shipment of Viagra was hijacked on its way to the depot.

The police are warning citizens to be on the look out for a gang of hardened criminals.

Samsung should focus their marketing toward criminals

They could completely monopolize the burner phone industry.

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Three men are captured by criminals

The criminal's leader says that if the men can go into the jungle and find 10 of the same fruit they would be freed.

So they go into the jungle. The first man comes back with apples and was told by the leader that if he could shove all his fruits up his butt without wincing or making faces th...

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