UPJOKE
hospitalphysiciannurseoutpatientmedicalclinicaldoctorsurgeongynecologistobstetricianveterinarianmedicinedentistinternistpharmacy

Clinic Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Sperm Clinic nurse asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup.

I said I wasn’t ready for competitive wanking.

What is the best name for an abortion clinic?

Don’t Kid Yourself.

An unemployed engineer opens a clinic..

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic:
"A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doc...

When cops arrest a clinically insane person...

...are they busting a nut?

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walked into a blood donation clinic.

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walked into a blood donation clinic. The nurse asked the rabbit, “What is your blood type?” The rabbit responded, “I’m probably a type O.”

An older woman, well past child-bearing years went to a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.
After hearing her out, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to where the first doctor was and demanded, “what is the matter with you? That lady is over 60 years old, has four grown...

One morning at a doctor's clinic a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him:

"Tell me what happened to your back...?"



The patient replies: "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning I went to my apartment early and heard some noise in my bed room.

On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and th...

A very heavy blond went to the clinic to lose weight.

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"

Blonde: "I a...

I locked my keys in my car outside an abortion clinic

They get really angry if you go in and ask for a coat hanger

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

An engineer quit his job and decided to open a clinic...

He hung a sign saying," I will cure your illness for $500 otherwise, if I fail to cure it, I will pay you $1500."

A doctor was curious and assumed that he could easily exploit this, so he walked into the clinic and told the engineer,“ I have lost my taste."

Upon hearing this, the engin...

A man goes running into a clinic shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor! You’ve got to help me! I’ve been stung by a bee!” The doctor says reassuringly, "Don’t worry, I’ll put some cream on it.”

“You’ll never find that bee. It must be miles away by now.”

“No, you don’t understand.” answers the doctor. “I’ll put some cream on the place you were stung.”

“Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house.”

“No, no, no!” says the doctor getting frustrated. “I mean, where on...

My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain

He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.

Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician

I just found out there's a clinical diagnosis for when you can't sleep and so you spend the whole night eating.

It's called insomnomnomnomnia.

An unemployed engineer opens a clinic...

He soon goes out of business, since the field is over saturated due to all the unemployed engineers opening clinics recently.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new medical student was seeing a patient in a clinic for a physical

As the student was inefficient and slow, the patient became furious and gave him a hard time. The student then said, “let me bring my preceptor so we can do your physical examination together.” The student steps out and returns with the preceptor.

Towards the end of the physical, the precepto...

The Chinese medic , opens a private clinic.

At the front dor , there was a huge banner saying : " The treatment costs $20 , if you don't get cured , we will give you $100 back"

A lawyer walking by saw the sign and thought it's a good opportunity for him to make an easy $100 , so he walks into the clinic .

- I have lost my tas...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave at the Clinic.

Doctor: Congratulations Dave Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Dave: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Dave: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me ...

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

A Saudi woman in a doctor's clinic.

Doctor: Mrs Saud there's a good news for you.
Woman: Excuse me, it's Miss Saud not Mrs Saud.
Doctor: Miss Saud there's a bad news for you.

2 kids outside a clinic

Two children, Johnny and Alex were sitting outside a clinic.



Alex was crying very loudly.



Johnny: Why are you crying?



Alex: I came here for a blood test.



Johnny: So? Are you afraid?



Alex: No. For the blood test, they cut my f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man visits an Ejaculation clinic [NSFW]

A man visits an ejaculation clinic depressed that when he cums, all he can manage is a poor dribble at the end of his cock.

‘When I watch porn’ he tells the receptionist ‘they shoot it all over the poor girls face... some from like a metre away.’

‘Don’t worry’ replies the receptionist...

Why do the nurses at the blood donation clinic have autocorrect disabled?

Because they always want more type-o’s.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The perfect clinic

A man is driving down a road an sees a sign for a clinic that says " we cure all diseases for $500, and if we can't we give you $500" the man is Interested and goes in. When he's with the doctor he tells him " doctor I can't taste anything" the doctor responds by saying "nurse give this man 2 cups o...

I went to the haemorrhoid clinic yesterday

It was really busy, standing room only.

What brand of mint do they have at Mental Health Clinics?

Dementos

Pedro reaches the doctor's clinic

Pedro reaches the doctor's clinic looking very despondent.

Doc: What're you here for?

Pedro: The vasectomy camp.

Dr: Oh ok. How many kids do you have?

Pedro: None. I am not even married !!

Dr (shocked): Then why do you want a vasectomy?

Pedro: Every man in t...

I love volunteering at the AIDS clinic.

Everybody is so positive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl meets a guy at the donation clinic.

He asks her, "So what are you donating today?". She replies, "I'm giving blood, I get $25 for it! What are you here for?". He smiles and says "Oh I'm donating semen. I get $150 for it." The girl is shocked and outraged. The next month, the same guy sees the same girl and asks, "Oh you here giving bl...

I thought of a great name for an abortion clinic...

How about 'Birth Ctrl+Z' ?

Callum’s Seafood Restaurant and Circumcision Clinic

Where yesterday’s cut is today’s calamari!

The Doctor and the Rich Man

An immigrant doctor decided to start his own clinic one day.
He put a sign in front of it that says if he can't cure your illness, he'll give you 100 dollars. If he can, you have to pay 20 dollars.
A young rich man passes by, sees the sign, and thinks it's a good opportunity to earn 100 bu...

Guy says to a receptionist at the clinic.

Guy: When I donate blood, I don't extract it myself, the nurse does it for me.

Receptionist: I understand sir, but this is the sperm bank, it doesn't work that way here....

I finally found out what they call the vacuum at the abortion clinic

Woomba

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pharmaceutical company began clinical trials for a new sedative.

The goal was to develop a non-prescription drug that provided perfectly smooth, calming relaxation with just one pill. On the first day of trials, the lab assistant realized they had forgotten to pick up the sugar pills that were needed for the placebo. The lead researcher was furious! Most stores i...

I locked my keys in my car outside an abortion clinic

They gave me the dirtiest look when I went in and asked to borrow a coathanger.

I applied for a job at the gynaecology clinic today.

I’d heard there was a lot of openings there.

I'm going to start an abortion clinic...

...called "Don't Kid Yourself."

My friend is quitting his job at the erectile dysfunction clinic...

He hasn't gotten a raise in years.

A patient broke out of an amputation clinic!

Don't worry, hes unarmed

Which movie villain works at the abortion clinic?

The Terminator.

A guy walks into a clinic with a bruised eye

Doctor : How did this happen?

Guy : I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" I should have probably ran.

Shakespeare goes into a clinic with a fever and asks

Flu B or not Flu B?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s metal and has a dozen tits?

The bin out the back of the breast cancer clinic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to my clinic to have my Depo shot injected, when the nurse asked if I'd like it in the glutes or arm

I responded with

I get in the arm so I don't have to take it up the butt

A woman takes her kid to the walk-in clinic.

They're in the waiting room, and the kid gets bored. He starts to flip the pages of a magazine.

A friendly stranger notices, and says to the woman, "Looks like you've got a little bookworm."

"No," she replies, "pinworms."

Abortion clinics should be banned

Those doctors demonstrate a complete lack of humanity. Spawn killing is a filthy tactic.

What do you call a gamer who works at a abortion clinic?

Spawn camper

(NSFW) A woman goes to the clinic to get her "lips" done

We live in a day and age where everything is possible at the plastic surgeon. And this woman had thought to have something done about her "lips" (down there) so scheduled a meeting with the surgeon.

The surgeon evaluated her and said that it would not be a problem and she could have her oper...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a premature ejaculation clinic...

... but there was no one there. Guess I came too early.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A unemployed guy once thought to start the clinic

The clinic rules were:
1) The price of the treatment is 300$
2) If I am unable to treat you, I payback 1000$

A doctor, passing by through the clinic read the rules and thought it was a great opportunity to make money. He went in and said the guy: "I can't feel the taste".
...

Welcome to the Plastic Surgery Addiction Clinic

I can see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I've gotta say, I'm pretty dissapointed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had an interview at a Disability Clinic...

After having a fantastic interview, the interviewer handed me a paper and told me to wait outside his office.

So, I’m pacing and reading this paper—because impulse—and I accidentally bumped into some random guy. He fell pretty hard to the ground. I said “Oh my gosh, I was so focused on readin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day at a small town STI clinic....

An 18 y/o boy who goes to his small town doctor for an STI check. After determining that the lad does not have an STI, the doctor asks him why he thought he might.

The boy tells him that he'd slept with a girl that had a reputation for being easy and thought he may have gotten something.
<...

In a clinic

There's a woman in a room with the doctor.
While doctor is writing, the woman starts speaking:
"Well doc, I believe I've became invisible..."
The doctor instantly get up off his chair and reply:
"OMFG, WHO SAID THAT?!"

Heard that from my English teacher, sorry if it's a repost.

A Texan woman walks into an animal clinic...

...and says to the receptionist, a young woman named Yvette, that she’d like to see how her cat Urias is doing.

The young woman is visibly confused, and says, in a noticeable accent, that she absolutely cannot. The older woman is also confused, and asks “This is the Stonybrook Animal Clinic, ...

A patient went to a clinic

Patient: “Hey doc, I think I need help, I keep having thoughts about suicide lately.”

The doctor paused and was deep in thought

“I have come to a conclusion.”

“What is it? Can it stop my negative thoughts?”

“No, I have come to the conclusion that you should probably pay m...

I'm not sure how every clinic knows I'm a cynic

But they always leave a note at the top of my paperwork telling me to be positive

Breast reduction surgery clinic motto:

When life gives you melons, make life take the melons back!

I wanted to open a Sperm Donor Clinic

But the name Jack in the Box was already in use

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the clinic the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, and drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.”

I said, “I think my penis tastes funny…”

Not only is my wife really funny, but she's a world class clinical oncologist too.

She has a great sense of tumour.

A furious lady marches into the eye clinic's reception area and shouts at the receptionist, "Who stole my wig during my eye surgery yesterday?"

The doctor immediately rushes out to pacify her. "I assure you, no one on my team would do such a thing. What makes you think it was stolen?"

The woman replies, "Well, before the procedure, my wig was perfect, but when I woke up, it was a tangled mess, and made me look ugly and cheap."
<...

I'm starting a discount amputation clinic.

I'm calling it Half Off For Half Off.

What did Velma say to Scooby at the haunted methadone clinic?

"Junkies!"

A patient walks into a clinic feeling feverish

Doctor: So good news, your temperature matches your favorite radio station!

Patient: My favorite radio station is 106.1...

Doctor: That's the bad news.

My wife got a new job at a vet clinic, and almost killed a dog her first day. (Oc)

But she’s getting better at euthanasia.

I checked into the hokey pokey clinic

And turned myself around.

I know 3 people who are clinically insane:

Me.

The Testicular Cancer Clinic called me and said, “Did you get our email?” I said “No”.

They said, “Maybe you should check your junk.”

Why did the bird go to the clinic?

To get a tweetment

Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression.

What a sad state of affairs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bartender who just went broke decides to open a medical clinic.

He puts a sign outside the clinic-" I will cure anything for the price of $20, and I'll pay you back $50 if I fail."

A medic thinks that he can outsmart the bartender wants the $50, so he goes to the clinic.

The medic tells the bartender he had lost his sense of taste, to which the bar...

I wanted to run a DnD game where the party would be setting up a gynecology clinic, but my gaming group started spreading a false rumor that it was a kink thing?

It was just a smear campaign...

Doctor sets up a clinic

A doctor sets up a clinic and advertises that he can fix whatever problem you have for $500; but if he can't fix the problem he will pay you $1000. A man sees his ad and thinks that this is ridiculous, so he tries to exploit the doctor. He goes into the office and says "I can't taste anything". The ...

Why did the doctor angrily shut down his clinic?

He ran out of patients

A man walks into a veterinary clinic

"My dog's head keeps drooping, so I would like to make an appointment," he says.

"Neck's weak?" asks the receptionist.

"Tomorrow would be better," he replies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor and a patient at a plastic surgery clinic.

Patient: "I heard doctors put up random stuff to make their work seem more complicated."

Doctor: "That's true to a degree. Some of the stuff in this room are just for show."

Patient looks around the room pointing at a thermometer: "Do you use that?"

Doctor: "Not really."

...

I was at the blood clinic...

I said "I keep typing letters out of order"
The nurse said "I'm not surprised, we've checked your blood, you're typo positive"

The memory clinic

1st man: how is that memory clinic you’ve been going to?

2nd man: they said when you can’t remember something, describe it and whoever you’re talking to will help you recall.

1st man: what’s the name of this clinic?

2nd man: what do you call that flower that has thorns and is re...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An attractive blonde walks into a gynaecologist’s clinic.

The doctor takes one look at her, and all his professionalism goes out the window. He quickly invites the blonde to undress and lay back on the examination table.

He starts by placing his hands on her ample tits and begins vigorously squeezing them. He then asks, “Do you know what I’m doing?”...

Two thieves walk into an amputee clinic.

"Everybody put your hand up!"

Why is working at the abortion clinic so much fun?

They bring out the kid in you.

A doctor once got rich when he realized he could run a lucrative circumcising clinic by

keeping all the tips

Best way to answer a call: Mario's Pizzeria and Abortion Clinic: Your Loss is Our Sauce

self.Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what do you call it when a circumsision clinic gets new technology

Cutting edge technology

what do the elderly least want to hear at the covid vaccination clinic ?

“Dr shipman will see you now”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl walks into a "no questions asked" abortion clinic.

The nurse says, "How can I help you?"

Girl says, "LYING BASTARDS!" and leaves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A well meaning doctor opened an orgasm clinic for people struggling with sex. nsfw

Nobody came.

What do get when you cross an Imperial cruiser with an abortion clinic?

A Stork Destroyer

A sign at the fertility clinic.

Please wait to be seeded.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A New Zealander fell asleep during his appointment at the clinic.

He was asked to count his sexual partners.






>!baaaaaaa!<

There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs.

The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a sign that says "If you catch me, you can screw me." An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter. A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs again, but this time ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother takes her daughter to a clinic

She tells the doctor that her daughter has been having terrible nausea in the morning, lost her appetite, and even missed a period.

The doctor examines her, orders a bloodwork, and tells them to come back later in the evening.

The mom and girl come back. The doctor announces that the g...

They recently opened a gynecologist clinic near my house.

I'm fine with it, but they really shouldn't have put up a sign that said "GRAND OPENING"

Two elderly couples have their weekly meet up at a table in their local park.

They take a seat, the ladies chat with one another across the table, as do the gents.

Fred asks Harold "Are you still going to that memory clinic?"

Harold says "Yes, it's been helping my memory a lot, I recommend you come along to our next session"

"What do they do there?" asks ...

I'm at the ear clinic.

My name might've been called out. I have no idea.

PSA: The joke is originally in Swedish, tried my best translating it.

Why don't you tell rumors in a Botox Clinic?

Nobody raises an eyebrow

The sign on a plastic surgery clinic reads...

“If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can turn them into melons.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a clinic...

A man walks into a clinic and says to the doctor:

– Doc, you see, I have this problem of excess of gases all they long. One million farts a day. They don't have any smell and they are totally silent but it is very inconvenient having to fart all they long.

The doctor says: – OK, take t...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.