Calculator Jokes

I can always count on it.

I needed someone I could count on

A woman went to the doctor.

He measured a waist of 69 inches (type into calculator).

He said that that was too, too, too, much (type 222).

And gave her 51 pills (type 51).

But she took 8 times that my (type x8)

Do you know what happened? She became...(Hit = and fli... read more

In fact, I was counting on it.

Detective 2: that adds up

A Calcu-now.

My 12-year-old daughter made this up.

She said she got a calculator app for her phone but it didn't give a plus key unless she paid additional fees.

A project manager.

I was really counting on that

Theyre plotting something, I can feel it.

The results will speak for themselves.

Some would say it functions perfectly.

it was graphic

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a s... read more

But Its What's On The Inside That Counts.

it would be more embarrassing than my browser history :P

But don't count on it.

You can count on me!

He would show it to people all the time, and tell them about the sentient calculator. He'd ask a question, and the calculator would give the answer, and every time it was the correct one. At first, people were excited, and they would demand to know what the trick was. A lot of theories, ranging from... read more

What do you call it when you mix a duck and a calculator?


A quackulator!

Its days are numbered

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin... read more

Times were tough

The only numbers that seem to work are 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. It's very odd.

2nd Man: Oh, only on special equations.....

Because bots don't count.

He was viewing graphic material

"Hmm... Now everything is starting to add up..."

For the calculator at least I can still count on it.

When they start counting but no matter the angle, protractors don't measure up.

...but then I realized I don't care how many pockets I have.

It was doing math.

Because they all add up!

It just doesn't add up.

But I suppose you have to remember, it’s what’s on the inside that counts.

everyone is counting on them.

You get a friend you can count on.

He was invited to thunday math.

What I need is a calcunow

Math teacher: why are you making noise

Girl: my calculator isn't working so I'm banging it to make it work

Math teacher: the calculator's gonna break, how would you like it if i banged you on the table

Whole class: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

Nobody knows how it really works and is just hoping for the best.

Who doesn’t know how many pockets they have?

Both are produced by Texas instruments.

Detective: Well that adds up.

Something fishy that doesn't quite add up.

The numbers just weren't adding up.

Casio royale

He had to work it out with a pencil...

... but has this habit of looking up whenever he does heavy calculation. He is a third-year student in a university, major in Computer Science. And he works part time in a convenient store near his uni. He doesn’t speak much on his part time job, but he is honest, hard working, and is well mannered ... read more

A: She couldn't find the 10 key.

a mess

He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.

So, in order to overcome the discrepancy, they often created a bogus account titled "Taste" to store the unbalanced amount and allow the books to balance.

Unfortunately, the government soon heard of this practice and declared a new law... there would, from this point on, be no accounting for ... read more

I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU