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Bikini Jokes

Stastistics are like bikinis.

What they reveal is interesting; what they hide is critical

When wearing a bikini, women reveals 96% of their body.

But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

Statistics are like bikinis.

What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Edit- This is a famous quote by Aaron Levenstein. A Professor told this to a friend.

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What do a thong bikini and Donald's Trump's hair have in common.

They both barely cover the asshole.
(gota give Seth Myer credit for this one).

Woman gets a tattoo

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She
also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instruc...

A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman's body is exposed.

The amazing fact is that men are so decent, they only look at the 10% that isn't.

Statistics are like bikinis....

What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.

I watched a documentary about the bikini.

It was a two-part series and it was very revealing.

Pro-Tip: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto

Ignore him.

My wife and I were walking along the beach the other day...

"It's interesting, isn't it." I said. "A woman can walk down the beach in her bra and panties and people would stare and go, 'oh my, that's a bit wrong, that!' and yet, if she walked along the beach in a two piece bikini people wouldn't even bat an eyelid. And, when you think about it, a two piece b...

There was a bus with 4 seats.

(Sorry for the poor construction of the joke. English is not my first language)

The conductor came in and began checking the tickets of the passengers.

He approached the lady sitting in the first seat. She didn't have a ticket. The conductor fined her 20$ even though the ticket cost 4...

Statistics is like a bikini on a beautiful woman...

... what it reveals is exciting; what it hides is vital.

What's South of Bikini Bottom?

Thigh-land

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If SpongeBob is absorbent and lives in bikini bottom

then I'm pretty sure that makes him a tampon

The vacation in Thailand

Two Priests decided to go to Thailand on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests.

For once, they’d enjoy a vacation as regular people.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought ...

Why wouldn't a nun walk around in a bikini?

Because it's a bad habit

Why is a bad government like a bikini?

Because people marvel at what's holding it up,and they wish it would fall.

My dad once told me that essays are like bikinis ...

Big enough to cover the subject, but small enough to keep it interesting.

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This morning, I slipped on a bikini,

I guess I fell into a BOOBY TRAP!

Bikini Waxing

What a rip off.

I was once in an art gallery once looking at a painting of Margaret Thatcher in a bikini ...

a security guard wandered over to me and said “sir you can’t wear that in here”

Which flight ends in Bikini Bottom?

Malaysian Airlines Flight 370

TINY BIKINI

A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini. She went home and put it on, then showed her mother how she looked in it. "What do you think mom?" Her mother replied, "I think that if I had worn that when I was your age, you'd be five years older!"

An unemployed guy sees an ad in the paper that says "Photographer wanted for Miami-based luxury bikini line". Thinking it to be a joke, the guy calls the number in the ad.

"Hello," he says. "Is that photographer ad a joke?"

"No," says the voice on the other line. "One of our photographers died suddenly last week, and we're looking for a new one."

"Cool! I've been looking for a new job for a while, and this seems like it could be a very fine job for me."<...

Statistics are like Bikini Atoll

Their essence utterly obliterated for the purpose of proving a political point.

I just read an article on the bikini...

it's two parts and pretty revealing.

I don't get why girls wear bikinis at the beach.

They've got nothing to hide.

What did the hot girl say when she was overcharged for her bikini wax?

That was a rip off!

If McDonald's opened up in Bikini Bottom

They'd have the perfect sandwich to rival Krusty Krabs's sandwich and put the Chum Bucket out of business: The Krappy Patty

Wife was mowing the yard in her bikini. Neighbor says "you should be hung!"

"I am; that's why she mows."

The number of Firefox users in Bikini Bottom is dwindling...

In the future everything will be Chrome.

The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…

Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!"

Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!"

Summer rays, "Yes, but I am und...

Trump is beginning to be like a bikini wax...

all of a sudden, having Bush wasn’t so bad...

Why does Ariel wear seashells for a bikini top?

Because the B-shells were too small.

When I see Donald Trump I get the same thought in my head as I get after a particularly painful bikini wax.

Bush wasn’t that bad.

A well endowed woman was swimming at the beach when she lost her bikini top.

The woman awkwardly covered her chest and ran back towards the shore.

A little boy saw the woman and said, "If you're going to drown those puppies, can I at least keep the one with the cute little pink nose?"

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Three attractive women are on a plane together: an Scottish woman named Nessa, a Latina named Rosita, and a black woman named Ladonna.

The plane is flying over the ocean when it suddenly crashes and falls into the ocean. The three women climb onto a floatation device.

Nessa takes off her clothes and puts on a green bikini from her carry-on bag. "I'm wearing my green bikini because it contrasts with the red of my hair, and we...

A disturbing but true story about me

When I was born, my mother died and my father abandoned me. So I spent my entire childhood with my aunt and uncle.

When I was in my late teens, I stumbled upon a video that my sister had made of herself. It was then that I realized that she was really, really hot. I watched the video twice, a...

Girl Lost a bikini bottom at the pool.

A girl in the bikini walked into the pool. After a few minutes she lost her bikini bottom. Horrified, she grabbed the pool's warning sign post to cover her bottom. Everyone turned to her and laugh. She realized that post said "slippery when wet". She quickly threw that post and grabbed another. Ever...

Two good old boys are out fishing, when a cruise boat with beautiful women appears.

Seeing the beautiful women, all in bikinis, one of them asks, “what should we do?” The others thinks upon it for a bit until he has an idea.

“Hey,” he says, “show them gals your nuts”

“Really?” asks his freind.

“Really” his freind responds.

At which point the buddy g...

The bikini barrista I ordered from today spit in my coffee.

Only cost me a $1 extra.

My wife changed into her bikini at the beach, and stood posing in front of me. "Well," she said, "I've lost a stone. Can you see a difference?"

I picked up a pebble and tossed it in the ocean. "The beach has lost a stone," I said. "Can you see a difference?"

A pony walks into a bar

Says to the bartender “Let me get one Apple martini”

bartender leans in closer and says “what?”

Pony says “one. Apple martini, please”.

Bartender asks, “something about a Bikini?”

Pony starts to get a little frustrated but manages to say a little louder now “ONE APPLE...

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Logic 101

Mitch sees Nick, an old friend, and walks up to him: "Where have you been? Haven't seen you for a while at the pub. Wanna join us on the card game tonight?"

"I can't. I have a lecture in an hour."

"A lecture? Aren't you too old to study?"

"You're never too old to study the logic...

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CPR

I popped my head over my sexy neighbour's fence today to see her lying in her bikini.

"Wow, you're gorgeous!" I burst out, "I hope you know how to do CPR."

"Why?" she asked with a giggle, "Because I've taken your breath away?"

"No," I replied. "I've just run your son over out fr...

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The other day I saw a big-breasted bikini barista working in a coffee stand

So I pull into the drive through and order a small coffee, just as an excuse to get a closer look at her 36DD boobs. She hands me the coffee & says "That'll be $9!"



Shocked I asked her why it costs so much. She shrugged & responded "All drink prices are based on cup size."...

While shopping for vacation clothes, my wife and I passed a display of bathing suits...

It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since she had even considered buying a bathing suit, so she sought my my advice and asked me what I thought. She asked if she should get an all in one or a bikini.

'Better get a bikini,' I replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

What’s the difference between an old bus stop and a crab in a bikini?

One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.

What do you call a bikini clad conspiracy theorist?

An illumi-hotty!

Have you seen the new clear plastic bikinis?

They're worth looking into.

I just sports car being driven by a sheep wearing a swimsuit.

I think it was a lamb bikini

Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won't be identified as clergy.

They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon head for the beach.
They notice a gorgeous blond in a tiny bikini. "Good afternoon, Fathers" she says as she strolls by.
The men are stunned. How does she know they are clergy? Later that day, they buy even wilder attire consisting of surfer short...

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Three supermodels are on a plane that’s going down over the Atlantic Ocean

While they’re putting on their life preservers, they start talking about what they’re going to wear.

The white woman says “I’m going to wear my hot pink bikini, because when they rescue us they’ll easily be able to see it and hot pink really accentuates my features.”

The Hispanic woman...

Urgent message to all older men...

There has been a terrible spate of robberies by a gang of young women. Their MO is to pull you over on the road and hitch a ride. They always wear skimpy bikinis, then start to rub themselves on you while you're driving in order to distract you. One of them then sneakily steals your wallet. I have a...

I was sat on the beach with my girlfriend the other day.

After a while, I turned to her and said, "If you were to see someone in a bra and knickers at the beach, you would think they are crazy. But somehow it's perfectly acceptable to wear a bikini, which is stupid as it's basically the same thing."

She said, "I don't care. Please, just take them o...

*A man comes into the psychiatrists office wearing a bikini

Psychiatrist: well I can see your nuts

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- Tell me, Rabbi, can a Jew look at women in bikinis?

I'm leaving for a vacation tomorrow, and surely there will be lots of girls in bikinis on the shore...

\- Oh, nothing wrong with that.

\- I'm a bit worried about looking at women other than my wife. And if they'll be topless? Can I look at them?

\- Yes, you can.

\- But wh...

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A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.

As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved.


As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, ...

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One thing I really enjoy doing is wearing nothing but a colorful tight bikini bottom that shows off my cock, and then going and strutting around in front of other men and letting them ogle me.

Or as it's also known, "Bodybuilding"

An old man goes to confession.

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I'm 80 years old and have been happily married to the love of my life for 60 years, but last night i cheated on her. With twins. 21 year old bikini model twins."

The priest asks how long it's been since his last confession.

"I've never been to con...

Damn girl are you David Hasselhoff?

Because I wanna ride you like Spongebob and Patrick getting the crown to Bikini Bottom from Shell City to save the day and Mr. Krabs

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Fuck and Weight loss

A fat man saw an ad in a newspaper
"Lose 5kg in a week".

He called the company & lady said
"be ready tomorrow at 6am."
The next morning he opened the door &
found a beautiful girl with shoes & skirt saying "you catch me, you fuck me" & the girl started running....

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A priest wanted to test the sanity of his monks.

He tied to his 4 monk's dicks a rope connected to a bell.
He showed all of them a picture of a woman in a bikini.
Ding!
The priest slapped the first monk and said:"You are no saint! Get out of here!"
And the first monk left.
Next he showed all of them a picture of a fully naked woman....

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3 nuns have dedicated their lives to God since they were 16.

25 years later they started talking about everything in life they missed out on. Never getting a drivers license, to their first drink at 21, or even having sex.

So they all decided they would go to their priest and ask if they can have 1 day off from being a nun. As this is a weird request t...

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Two months ago, while I was leaving Wal-Mart, I got totally scammed.

These two gorgeous college girls, wearing nothing but bikini tops and mini-shorts, started washing my car just as I was about to leave the parking lot. When they were finished, I asked them, "How much should I pay you?" One of the two girls said, "We don't accept payment in money. We accept payment ...

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A guy entered the "Can He Do It" show on Belgiums national TV.

He claims he can tell women's zipcodes by feeling their breasts. The host leads him to some women in bikini and tells him to do his magic.

He feels the first woman's breasts and within 20 seconds he states "8670".

Second girl he feels her up and states "9010".

He goes down the l...

Three men end up in hell

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell h...

Why did Robert Oppenheimer's wife go to the beach naked?

There was no bikini atoll

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A cowboy gets into a brothel

He goes to the owner, hands her $10000 and asks her:

"I want the ugliest, nastiest girl you have here. I also want scrambled eggs."

The owner is baffled at such a weird requests, and tries to argue:

"For this much money, you can have the triplets who were bikini models for the ...

3 women board a plane for the 1st time an Asian a Caucasian and a african american.

3 women board a plane for the 1st time an Asian a Caucasian and a african american.
The Asian annouces "im scared but i wore fluro underwear so if we crash they can see me" the Caucasian says "i wore my stars and stripes bikini as underwear so i can be noticed and picked up 1st". The African Ame...

A very Fat woman comes into a store and tells the clerk,

'i would like to see a bikini that fits me'

Clerk...'me too'

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WOMEN eh!

Boob-jobs,

nose-jobs,

teeth bleaching,

tummy tucks,

liposuction,

colonic irrigation,

botox,

pierced ears,

pierced nipples,

pierced bellies,

pierced clits,

eyebrows plucked,

bikini wax,

armpits shaved,

l...

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A fat man is watching television

He is desperate about his weight situation, all of the sudden he sees an advertisement about losing weight on a tv channel, the woman on the tv shows 3 lose weight secrets that can be deliver to your house but without knowing what the actual product is, she also mentions to be aware of the third on...

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Birthday at the old-age home

So it's Phil's 90th birthday. All of the residents of the old-age home are there. Suddenly, two people come in with a huge "Happy Birthday" cake. The top of the cake opens up, and out pops a gorgeous busty blonde in a skimpy bikini. She goes over to Phil, sits on his lap, and says "It's your 90t...

A young couple were on their honeymoon . . .

. . . and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool. They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased. As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was to large, and the top and bottom kept coming off. As t...

An old joke I learned in third grade...

So, this french guy - he wants to learn English. So boards a plane to the US and he hears the Pilot say "take off". The first stop he makes in the US is the San Diego Zoo, where he learns "zebra". While he's looking at the Zebras, a couple walks up with a stroller and he learns the word "baby". So t...

An old couple sitting on the beach...

The old man looks on as a slim and pretty young lady in a bikini walks past. He nudges the old lady and says with a smile, “it truly is the thin twigs that get the fire going”.

The old lady looks at him with a very unimpressed expression and replies, “...and it’s the big fat logs that cook t...

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Bob wins the lottery.

Bob: Pack your bags Doris, I've won the lottery.

Doris: But where are we going? what shall I pack? T-shirts and bikinis for some place hot, or boots and woolies for some place cold?

Bob: Just pack 'em and fuck off.

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A man comes home visibly irritated.

His wife notices and asks if something is wrong.

He shakes his head.

"C'mon. Talk to me" she says.

He takes a moment to steady himself. "It's just that..." he pauses again, and takes a deep breathe. "Well, first of all, last night when you were telling me about your day?"
...

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