UPJOKE
tarmactarpavementasphalt concretemacadamla brea tar pitspetroleumroadwayblacktopconcreteviscositypavedgravelamerican englishsand

Asphalt Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving.

The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says :

"Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"

The drunk says "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

I'm starting an asphalt company on Abbey Road

It'll be called Ringo's Tar

I made an outfit from asphalt.

I'm going for the street look.

Globally over 99% of asphalt is recycled. It is the second most recycled material in the world, after jokes on reddit

Globally over 99% of asphalt is recycled. It is the second most recycled material in the world, after jokes on reddit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is speeding down the highway

while driving her convertible sports car. She flies past a billboard, behind which is parked a highway patrol officer. Startled by her outrageous velocity, the cop flicks on his lights and siren and pulls out from his hiding spot, tearing up asphalt to close the gap.

She notices his approach...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two lengths of tarmac (asphalt) walk into a pub

They strut up to the bar and order a couple of Guinness and after a few gulps each begin to tell the barman how hard they are.

Having heard it all before but happy for the company, the barman encourages them and pours another two pints of Guinness.

By their third pint, their tales are ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you need to do after burning your balls on the asphalt of a dead end street?

You need to cul de sac.

A man holding a large block of asphalt walks into a bar.

He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A black piece of asphalt walks into a bar

A black piece of asphalt walks into a bar and slams his fist down on the bar loudly proclaiming, "I demand a free drink because I'm the toughest motherfucker in here!" The barman, not wanting any trouble, hands the piece of asphalt a beer.

About 20 minutes pass when another piece of asphalt w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two blonde pilots...

On their first commercial flight together two blonde pilots, best friends for years, are finally flying together after years of being co-pilots for more experienced captains. The cockpit was finally *theirs*.

The flight goes very smoothly and they congratulate each other as they are coming in...

What do you call a gun made fully from concrete?

An asphalt rifle

Solid joke right?

Asphalt...

It's the word on the streets

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A six lane motorway and an autobahn are having a drink in a bar.

The door opens and a skinny useless looking single strip of asphalt walks in and sits near them. The motorway nudges and gestures the autobahn to move quietly to another part of the bar. When they are seated again the autobahn asks what the problem is. The motorway replies "You don't want to be near...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the man go to prison for humping a road?

Sexual Asphalt Charges.

My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall

But it was his dumb asphalt

Never blame someone else for the road you're on.

That's your own asphalt.

Flight attendant landed this one on us yesterday

We just landed on the runway and the flight attendant annouces a message over the speaker.

"Hey folks...um yea sorry about that rough landing...

...wasn't the captains fault,

...definitely wasn't my fault,

...it was the asphalt."

The result: a perfect mix of laughs...

I fell on my driveway but I can’t sue anyone

It was my own asphalt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the verbose chicken cross the road?

To transform into reality his long-anticipated dream of embarking on a risky voyage of strenuous bodily effort so that he can undergo physical displacement in three-dimensional space from one vantage point on the lengthy stretch of black asphalt to another one symmetrically adjacent to the first.

What do roads and farts have in common?

Asphalt.

My neighbor tried to blame me for messing up his drive way

But it was his own silly Asphalt

I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.

It's made of asphalt.

What did the road inspector tell the road builder...

When he built the roadway wrong?

It's not my asphalt, it's your asphalt.

A man walks into a bar while carrying a chunk of asphalt under his arm....

he says, "Hey! Bartender! Two beers please." The bartender looks at him with a confused look and asked, "Why two? Are you waiting on someone?" The man responds, "Nah, I need for me and one for the road."

I screwed up paving my private road

It's my own dumb asphalt.

I live near Hell, Michigan. Driving home today, we went past a sign pointing down a road that leads to Hell.

My dad pointed to it and said, “That road goes to Hell. Know how you can tell? This is asphalt and that’s good intentions.”

My donkey stumbled on the road, bucking me off. Who's fault was it?

It was the asphalt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a firm yet defective butt?

asphalt

Hell, Michigan

Roads in the state of Michigan were in terrible shape due to weather and wear, but no are suffered more than the little town of Hell- a tourist trap that depended on traffic for income.

The mayor of Hell began to research potential repairs for their roads. One interested party was a man name...

Did you know that there are multiple types of roads that can fart?

Though most people assume that it's asphalt.

It's so hot...

...asphalt has a liquid state.
...I saw bird pull a worm out of the ground using oven mitts.
...

If you fall outta your car in your driveway,

it's your own asphalt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Glaswegian joke that can be applied anywhere.

Three pieces of tarmac (asphalt for Americans) are in the pub at the end of the day.
One says, "I'm on the Great Western Road. You wouldn't believe what I have to go through every day! Cars, endless traffic, congestion, it'll make you pure mental!"
The next one says, "You think you're in a bad...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in a trench coat walks into a bar on the top floor of a tall building...

He sits at the bar and he orders a double, followed by another, and then another...

Across the bar he notices two gentlemen arguing back and forth about which one of them is the "bravest"...

The man in the trench coat finishes his third drink and sloshes his way over to the two argui...

What is big, black, and frequently walked all over?

Asphalt.

What's the road construction worker's equivalent of a plumbers crack?

An asphalt

Old man enters a bar and starts knocking back vodka shots, one after the other, until his lights slowly start to dim.

The bartender, who was also a friend, tells him to take it easy, go home, that he's had enough. Refusing, he goes on until eventually the friend convinced him.

'I'm going home!'

As expected, as soon as he leaves from the bartop, he falls flat on his face, eventually dragging himself hi...

A woman was killed after walking in front of a street paver.

It was her own dumb asphalt.

We just flew into Atlanta, and the landing was HORRIBLE.

After the overhead bins quit popping open and the bouncing stopped and the dust settled, the flight attendant got on the intercom and explained.

“I just want to apologize for that terrible landing, but keep in mind that it wasn’t the pilot’s fault. And it wasn’t the airplane’s fault. It was ...

The Church Bell

This church just lost there bell ringer and needed someone to ring the bell for them. They were holding auditions when a man with no arms came up to them and asked about the job. The priest asked the man " How are you going to ring the bell without any arms?" to which the man replied with " Like thi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A banker's son, an investor's son and a farmer's son were going to prom.

But the day before the prom, the principal made it a requirement for all students to arrive in limousines.

As the banker's son entered through the school gates in a Mercedes Maybach, the engine roared, and all the girls cheered.

"Nice limousine." Said the school security guard.

...

A donkey and his farmer were hauling some corn on an old road

when a wheel broke, cracking the road underneath. The township sued the farmer for road repairs, but a judge dismissed the case stating "it's not the ass's fault asphalt has faults"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While waiting for road construction to clear...

I decided to make a set of boobs with the tar and gravel. I thought I was going to be in trouble for vandalism. I got 2 years for sexual asphalt.

I believe I created this joke... but who knows nowadays! :)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Girls and The Back Door

A young man was curious as to what girls thought about sex in the "back-door". So, out of curiosity and a lack of shame, he decides to ask three different girls if they would like to try it in the "back door".

The first girl he asked was American, and when asked about her opinion she punched ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this guy named Dave is at a swanky bar...

So this guy named Dave is at a swanky bar. It's at the top of a 60 floor building. Dave's drinking alone at the bar when the elevator opens. This guy gets off the elevator, orders 6 beers, slams them, walks over to the ledge, and jumps off. Dave sits stock still in shock until he hears the elevator ...

Top 10 worst jokes!

The 20 Worst Jokes Ever!

1.Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


2.A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve You, but don't start anything."


3.Two peanuts walk into a ba...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Anybody who bothered to look could have seen the signs. Speed had done it's work on the road and it was starting to crack up - didn't know if it was coming or going. The chicken knew that. The chicken knew that road had always been a little slippery. Sure it started out with bright, clear lines and ...

Satan was severely depressed.

Fewer and fewer souls each new year were coming to hell and it was soon becoming quite empty. So Satan hired an analyst to find out what was going wrong. The analyst traveled all over hell, interviewed lesser demons, and surveyed the experiences of tortured souls, taking notes here and there. A week...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.